Would you want to know?

[BigAlsGal]

This really isn't about the girl right now; it's about your husband. It sounds like he's experiencing emotions related to his biological daughter and giving her up. Seeking to establish a relationship with her, and putting it in terms of "she deserves to know," makes it sound altruistic and is the obvious solution. However, the obvious solution is not always the best solution, especially when it involves turning someone else's life upside down, as this would most likely do. A previous poster's suggestion for him to talk with a social worker or therapist is an excellent one. Maybe it will result in deciding to reach out to her in the future, and maybe it won't. But the reality is that there is no reason for him NOT to talk with a professional before trying contact again, and it may help him see a side of this that he hasn't seen before.

It doesn't sound like you or your husband knows the specifics of what the girl's parents have told her, so from what you've written I don't think it's fair to assume they have lied to her. It is clear, though, that your husband's attempt to reach out via Facebook was not welcomed. Perhaps in the future that will change, and now that they know he has a FB account, they know how to contact him. As difficult as it may be, your husband needs to recognize that another attempt to contact them or her could end very badly. Seeking the perspective and advice of a professional could really be beneficial.

The attempted FB contact was probably 6 or 7 years ago.

 

[Mkrop]

That was taken very literally. I think all adopted kids should know they're adopted. That's just me though.

It was taken literally because of your other posts. And when you either give up a child for adoption or adopt a child then YOU get to decided that the child should know. That is your opinion, doesnt meant it is the right choice (for a child to know) for all adoptive situations.

The attempted FB contact was probably 6 or 7 years ago.

My goodness the girl was a child then, no wonder they shut it all down.

 

[MamaLema]

I am in this situation. I am 41 now but when I was 25, I found out everyone had been lying to me my whole life about who my biological dad is. I thought my dad, who I had a terrible relationship with, died when I was 17.

The only reason I ever found out was that my aunt was on a plane and thought she was going to die because the plane crashed but she survived. She told me she saw her whole life flash before her and called me and said she couldn't keep the secret any longer.

My mom admitted that my aunt was right but never gave up any other information. Mom is still alive and refuses to tell me anything about it.

If you want to contact your bio child, you should,but be prepared that they might not want it. You never really know how any child will react. Everyone is different.

 

[Soldier's*Sweeties]

Nobody is unhappy. I was just asking if people would want to know who their biological family was. Everyone is telling me what we should do and no one is answering the question. Everyone spends money on ancestry kits and DNA swabs yet they don't want to know who they share 50% of their DNA with. It's cool really. I know the Dis pretty well.

I kind of did. Even though I've always known that my "Dad" doesn't share my DNA, I did have a desire to meet to him. When given the opportunity to contact him I didn't feel the need anymore. I don't know how I would feel if I was told that I was adopted(now as an adult). I would be really hurt and angry and there would have to be a damn good reason why I didn't know AND why I kept from my father in the first place. Talk about alienation... I would feel betrayed by the people who raised me and the ones who didn't.

He's tried to contact the family through FB. They responded by deleting everything. You know if they would have said "Hey she knows nothing about you and she's happy and we'd like to keep it that way" it would have been nice. It all seems really twisted now.

They probably thought it best to just cut ties totally to avoid any drama.

He contacted the family. Not her. And wouldn't do it that way. But again thanks.

That was respectful of him to not throw that at the girl.

Here's to living the lie!!!!!!

I'm just wondering what took 20 years. If it were that important to him, why didn't your husband take action(even try the legal route) before now?

 

[BigAlsGal]

It was taken literally because of your other posts. And when you either give up a child for adoption or adopt a child then YOU get to decided that the child should know. That is your opinion, doesnt meant it is the right choice (for a child to know) for all adoptive situations.



My goodness the girl was a child then, no wonder they shut it all down.

He just asked how she was doing. He wasn't coming to crash her 13th birthday party.

 

[Allison]

That was taken very literally. I think all adopted kids should know they're adopted. That's just me though.

Which has nothing to do with the statement being discussed which is that you think the woman who adopted her is not her mom.

I understand that this is horribly difficult for your husband but he should find a way to deal with this without disrupting a person's life.

 

[BigAlsGal]

I kind of did. Even though I've always known that my "Dad" doesn't share my DNA, I did have a desire to meet to him. When given the opportunity to contact him I didn't feel the need anymore. I don't know how I would feel if I was told that I was adopted(now as an adult). I would be really hurt and angry and there would have to be a damn good reason why I didn't know AND why I kept from my father in the first place. Talk about alienation... I would feel betrayed by the people who raised me and the ones who didn't.


They probably thought it best to just cut ties totally to avoid any drama.

That was respectful of him to not throw that at the girl.


I'm just wondering what took 20 years. If it were that important to him, why didn't your husband take action(even try the legal route) before now?

I believe he legally couldn't contact her until she was 18. I feel the window to contact her is closing.

 

[kamik86]

I'm currently 29.

My siblings are much older then me. So much so that they could in fact be siblings. There were even a few jokes that I am so much like one sister that maybe she is my mom and my parents just raised me. (BTW I 100% believe these to just be jokes and not be true for several reasons but just bringing this up to say that technically it could be true)

If someone contacted me now and told me that was the case, that my 16 year old sister was really my mother this is what would happen:

I would hate the person that told me and ruined the relationship with my family.
I would hate my "parents" for the lie.
I would hate my "siblings" or who I thought were my siblings for the lie.

Basically I think I would end up losing contact an hating every member of my family older then me. I honestly don't see me feeling any other way then honestly cutting off most of my current family moving away with my husband and starting over without any of them becuase I would be so upset about letting me live all my life as a lie.

So as much as I generally like truth in this instance I would have prefered that no one brought it up and feel like by telling me they ruined everything. So it would make me go from having a loving family to no family at all, all because some selfish person couldn't keep his mouth shut and just let me keep happily living the lie.



However I also wonder who they could possibly have kept it a lie if it was in fact one. Unless the grandparents adopted her and by doing so were able to get a new birth certificate issued as if they were the parents (do they do that for adopted kids) by the time I was 16 I had seen my birth certificate at least a few times. Many times by 20. I would be really surprised if someone could keep that from someone. So maybe they do know and they just know she doesn't want to know who her father is. Maybe they deleted there entire facebook to make sure that he didn't decide to just jump over the family and contact her.

Or maybe like my parents (who are older as her "parents" would have to be if they are her grandparents) they are older and not good with tech so there children help them with tech sometimes and might see there facebook (I see my moms facebook prettty often because if something is wrong with her computer she calls me).

 

[BigAlsGal]

Which has nothing to do with the statement being discussed which is that you think the woman who adopted her is not her mom.

I meant her biological mother. The woman who adopted her is not her biological mom.

 

[Soldier's*Sweeties]

I believe he legally couldn't contact her until she was 18. I feel the window to contact her is closing.

I would just really think long and hard about how something this life changing could be for her.

I understand the sour feelings toward her family. It is what it is whether it was right or wrong. Her feelings have to be front and center because her WHOLE LIFE and who she thinks she is will change. It sucks for your husband, it really does. Maybe he could speak to a counselor or something?

 

[kamik86]

I meant her biological mother. The woman who adopted her is not her biological mom.

One other thing... How would your husband feel if what I think would happen is exactly what happens. How would he feel if not only does he NOT get a relationship with the girl that he now made it so his daughter has no one? Is he REALLY willing to risk that.

 

[BigAlsGal]

I am in this situation. I am 41 now but when I was 25, I found out everyone had been lying to me my whole life about who my biological dad is. I thought my dad, who I had a terrible relationship with, died when I was 17.

The only reason I ever found out was that my aunt was on a plane and thought she was going to die because the plane crashed but she survived. She told me she saw her whole life flash before her and called me and said she couldn't keep the secret any longer.

My mom admitted that my aunt was right but never gave up any other information. Mom is still alive and refuses to tell me anything about it.

If you want to contact your bio child, you should,but be prepared that they might not want it. You never really know how any child will react. Everyone is different.

Thank you. I was hoping to hear some first hand experiences.

 

[Mkrop]

He just asked how she was doing. He wasn't coming to crash her 13th birthday party.

Ok take a step back and pretend that you dont know the man you think is a wonderful husband and father...put yourself in their shoes for a second, here is a man who agreed (whether he knew what he was truly doing or not) to give up his rights. You know nothing about him, he could be a jerk or a great guy. And maybe they did think he was going to show on on the doorstep. That is a lot to deal with and they want to keep her safe. I did say that maybe they overreacted but I think you are blinded by the love of your husband (and I get that) to look at this with logic and reasonability.

 

[Hrhpd]

Hope to gain? A relationship with a biological child. Also this isn't my child. It's my husbands.

Your husband made that decision years ago. He made a loving decision to place the child for adoption. He has no place in her life anymore unless she decides she wants to reach out.

If she does not know she is adopted, that is not your husband's place to change that. That is between her PARENTS and herself.

Changing a person's life is not a loving decision, it is a very selfish decision. He needs to seek a therapist if he is truly considering this.

 

[Mkrop]

He just asked how she was doing. He wasn't coming to crash her 13th birthday party.

Ok take a step back and pretend that you dont know the man you think is a wonderful husband and father...put yourself in their shoes for a second, here is a man who agreed (whether he knew what he was truly doing or not) to give up his rights. You know nothing about him, he could be a jerk or a great guy. And maybe they did think he was going to show on on the doorstep. That is a lot to deal with and they want to keep her safe. I did say that maybe they overreacted but I think you are blinded by the love of your husband (and I get that) to look at this with logic and reasonability.

 

[Coonhound]

Tough situation. I don't believe they should have separated this boy from his baby to begin with. That's a permanent decision that he could not possibly make understanding everything, his parents should have stepped in and urged him to keep the baby and help strengthen the bond between him and his baby. But that did not happen. At this point, after all that has happened, he should be thinking about what will cause the least amount of stress or burden to his child. I do not think it is wrong for him to reach out to his child, and if the "child" were older I'd say it is one thing to find them but since the child is so young- being in your 20s is still very young, and many people in their 20s are still living with parents or relying on them in some way- so I think the reaching out should be to the people who have actually raised the child (even though the child is not underage any longer). He could reach out to THEM, not the child, and explain that he really wants the opportunity to get to know his biological child, perhaps cushion it with a statement such as I'm not trying to take away the mom and dad she has, or to take their place? All of my opinion of this changes if it is another family member that raised the child. If it was a family member of his, then, no, he should be able to be more upfront about it and not feel like he is the keeper of some guarded family secret. Best wishes, OP, it's going to be tough however it goes.

 

[jdb in AZ]

I'm currently 29.

However I also wonder who they could possibly have kept it a lie if it was in fact one. Unless the grandparents adopted her and by doing so were able to get a new birth certificate issued as if they were the parents (do they do that for adopted kids) by the time I was 16 I had seen my birth certificate at least a few times. Many times by 20. I would be really surprised if someone could keep that from someone. So maybe they do know and they just know she doesn't want to know who her father is. Maybe they deleted there entire facebook to make sure that he didn't decide to just jump over the family and contact her.

Or maybe like my parents (who are older as her "parents" would have to be if they are her grandparents) they are older and not good with tech so there children help them with tech sometimes and might see there facebook (I see my moms facebook prettty often because if something is wrong with her computer she calls me).

When we adopted our kids, the state automatically issued a new birth certificate with our names as the parents. Both kids know they were adopted. When DH and I went through pre-adoption parenting classes, we were advised not to keep the adoptions secret. Our son has had no desire to seek out his birth parents. When DD was 20 she contacted the adoption agency and tried to make contact with her biological mom, who rejected the whole idea of making any contact with DD and broke her heart.

 

[Hrhpd]

He is. He's a great dad and a great husband. He's a great person which is why I wish she could know him. I feel like she would benefit from having him in her life.

That is not your choice. That is her parent's choice. Does your husband feel as strongly as you do that he should destroy someone's life for selfish reasons?

 

[kamik86]

When we adopted our kids, the state automatically issued a new birth certificate with our names as the parents. Both kids know they were adopted. When DH and I went through pre-adoption parenting classes, we were advised not to keep the adoptions secret. Our son has had no desire to seek out his birth parents. When DD was 20 she contacted the adoption agency and tried to make contact with her biological mom, who rejected the whole idea of meeting DD and broke her heart.

Oh ok I really thought the birth certificates still always said the biological parents. Cool info to know.

 

[Soldier's*Sweeties]

When we adopted our kids, the state automatically issued a new birth certificate with our names as the parents. Both kids know they were adopted. When DH and I went through pre-adoption parenting classes, we were advised not to keep the adoptions secret. Our son has had no desire to seek out his birth parents. When DD was 20 she contacted the adoption agency and tried to make contact with her biological mom, who rejected the whole idea of meeting DD and broke her heart.

Yeah even I, who still had my bio mother have a birth certificate with my adoptive father's name on it. All of my legal paper work was changed too. When I moved out I was given the originals, but I had never seen them until them, just the new ones with my new last name on them.