Would you want to know?

[PollyannaMom]

Nobody is unhappy. I was just asking if people would want to know who their biological family was. Everyone is telling me what we should do and no one is answering the question. Everyone spends money on ancestry kits and DNA swabs yet they don't want to know who they share 50% of their DNA with. It's cool really. I know the Dis pretty well.

I'll answer the question. - No, I would not have wanted to find out at 20 years old that my sister was really my mother. I would have been devastated, lost all trust in the family I had grown up with, and been unbelievably angry at my father for letting me go in the first place. For me, personally, it would not have ended well.

I know it's not the way things are done today (and I think that's a good thing) but back them, everyone involved believed they were protecting this child by giving her (or him? - I don't remember if you said) a "normal life". To take away that sense of normalcy now would mean everyone's sacrifices were for nothing.

 

[Allison]

A lie is lack of truth and if she thinks grandma is mom that's not the truth.

But it is the truth and it has been since the day they began caring for her and raising her. To say otherwise is a real slap in the face to adoptive families.

It might not be an easy truth for you and your husband. That I understand. Have you discussed counseling with your husband?

 

[Miskey]

Listen. I get it. You guys don't have to beat the horse. If I really wanted to be selfish I would tell my husband to quit bringing her up every time someone asks about how many kids we have or I would just worry about my own brood. The fact is that even though I've never met this beautiful girl I would love and accept her. I would be there for her if she needed me. But we can't know her. That's hard. A lie is lack of truth and if she thinks grandma is mom that's not the truth. It's just hard.

I really don't want to beat a dead horse either, or keep piling on you, but let's just clear this up. The lady that adopted and raised her is most definitely her MOM.

 

[Westcoastwild]

Here's to living the lie!!!!!!

That! Also, ya'know, I'm not saying it would be fair, but if they deleted their fb profile (which sends a pretty strong message) I think they might be inclined to pursue some kind of legal action if your husband persisted. (I'd be very creeped out if something out of my past tried to contact me over Facebook).

If you want to think of it another way- best case scenario is that girl has no idea your husband exists. Worst case scenario- I grew up in a conservative town and it would play out like this- they told her and your husband is the villain in the story. I understand regrets, but I just don't think you and your husband have tried to see this from the POV of the girl and her family...

 

[HarleenQ]

Is this really necessary?

Was your "here's to living a lie" post?

He's tried to contact the family through FB. They responded by deleting everything. You know if they would have said "Hey she knows nothing about you and she's happy and we'd like to keep it that way" it would have been nice. It all seems really twisted now.

They don't owe him anything. They don't owe you an explanation. He may be a biological father to this girl but that doesn't make him her dad, or even her family.

Now that she's 20 and the hard work is over he wants in - I'd be a bit miffed at his FB message too.

 

[BigAlsGal]

All is understood. You would all choose to not know. Ignorance is bliss and all that jazz. It is clear.

 

[jevs]

Was your "here's to living a lie" post?



They don't owe him anything. They don't owe you an explanation. He may be a biological father to this girl but that doesn't make him her dad, or even her family.

Now that she's 20 and the hard work is over he wants in - I'd be a bit miffed at his FB message too.

That wasn't my post. Suggest you go back through and have a reread

 

[BigAlsGal]

Thanks everyone for the advice. No hard feelings.

 

[pfalcioni]

I would say the only legitimate reason to create the kind of drama you'd be stirring up if you told her would be if there is some hereditary health concern that you are aware of that this girl should know about. Barring that, there is absolutely no possible kind and honest reason to force yourselves on this girl.

If her real parents (the ones who raised her) chose not to tell her she's adopted, I think it is a poor choice, but it's their choice to make. Parents are allowed to make those kinds of decisions for their children.

At a very young age your husband made a sacrifice and did the right thing for this baby when she was born, I hope that as an adult he can continue to make kind and altruistic choices for his birth child and live by the decisions her adoptive parents have made for her.

 

[Mkrop]

He's tried to contact the family through FB. They responded by deleting everything. You know if they would have said "Hey she knows nothing about you and she's happy and we'd like to keep it that way" it would have been nice. It all seems really twisted now.

And maybe they overreacted, can you blame them? If they suddenly had all of this come up and they want to protect her, then yes they may have jumped the gun and deleted everything.

Listen. I get it. You guys don't have to beat the horse. If I really wanted to be selfish I would tell my husband to quit bringing her up every time someone asks about how many kids we have or I would just worry about my own brood. The fact is that even though I've never met this beautiful girl I would love and accept her. I would be there for her if she needed me. But we can't know her. That's hard. A lie is lack of truth and if she thinks grandma is mom that's not the truth. It's just hard.

This bothers me...you dont understand adoptive families at all, whoever raised her, took her to school, stayed up with her when she had a fever etc is her MOM and her DAD. Biology means nothing ultimately.

If I were bio dad I would register with one of those sites that try to connect adoptive kids and parents. I might make one last effort to reach out to the parents, but we do so VERY quietly so that the daughter would have no clue. I would say I would like to meet "Jane", does Jane know about me? Then he needs to follow their wishes.

 

[BigAlsGal]

And maybe they overreacted, can you blame them? If they suddenly had all of this come up and they want to protect her, then yes they may have jumped the gun and deleted everything.



This bothers me...you dont understand adoptive families at all, whoever raised her, took her to school, stayed up with her when she had a fever etc is her MOM and her DAD. Biology means nothing ultimately.

If I were bio dad I would register with one of those sites that try to connect adoptive kids and parents. I might make one last effort to reach out to the parents, but we do so VERY quietly so that the daughter would have no clue. I would say I would like to meet "Jane", does Jane know about me? Then he needs to follow their wishes.

That was taken very literally. I think all adopted kids should know they're adopted. That's just me though.

 

[HarleenQ]

That wasn't my post. Suggest you go back through and have a reread

My fault.

 

[aejammers]

Where were your husband's parents in all this at the time of termination of parental rights?

 

[BigAlsGal]

Where were your husband's parents in all this at the time of termination of parental rights?

They had no idea about anything. They hid the pregnancy and everything from them.

My husband was very scared. Poor guy. Had no one to talk to about anything for fear.

 

[King Schultz]

And maybe they overreacted, can you blame them? If they suddenly had all of this come up and they want to protect her, then yes they may have jumped the gun and deleted everything.



This bothers me...you dont understand adoptive families at all, whoever raised her, took her to school, stayed up with her when she had a fever etc is her MOM and her DAD. Biology means nothing ultimately.

If I were bio dad I would register with one of those sites that try to connect adoptive kids and parents. I might make one last effort to reach out to the parents, but we do so VERY quietly so that the daughter would have no clue. I would say I would like to meet "Jane", does Jane know about me? Then he needs to follow their wishes.

I think the sentence I bolded is very good advice.

 

[King Schultz]

They had no idea about anything. They hid the pregnancy and everything from them.

My husband was very scared. Poor guy. Had no one to talk to about anything for fear.

I just want to add I feel for both you and your husband; I'm sure it's a heart-wrenching situation for you both.

(((hugs)))

 

[aejammers]

They had no idea about anything. They hid the pregnancy and everything from them.

My husband was very scared. Poor guy. Had no one to talk to about anything for fear.

Do they know now that they have a granddaughter? What do they think about your husband springing the news on her?

I do feel for you. I think maybe your husband should write a very heartfelt letter to the parents/grandparents and explain how he feels. Send it registered mail to make sure they get it. Ask them to call and give an update on the girl. Maybe that will settle his mind a bit, at least for now, and maybe be an opening for more.

 

[BigAlsGal]

Do they know now that they have a granddaughter? What do they think about your husband springing the news on her?

I do feel for you. I think maybe your husband should write a very heartfelt letter to the parents/grandparents and explain how he feels. Send it registered mail to make sure they get it. Ask them to call and give an update on the girl. Maybe that will settle his mind a bit, at least for now, and maybe be an opening for more.

They knew after he signed away his rights. They tried to reach out. Send gifts. They were shut out as well.

 

[jevs]

I just want to add I feel for both you and your husband; I'm sure it's a heart-wrenching situation for you both.

(((hugs)))

They don't need to be torn apart, that's for sure

 

[CarolAnn856]

All is understood. You would all choose to not know. Ignorance is bliss and all that jazz. It is clear.

This really isn't about the girl right now; it's about your husband. It sounds like he's experiencing emotions related to his biological daughter and giving her up. Seeking to establish a relationship with her, and putting it in terms of "she deserves to know," makes it sound altruistic and is the obvious solution. However, the obvious solution is not always the best solution, especially when it involves turning someone else's life upside down, as this would most likely do. A previous poster's suggestion for him to talk with a social worker or therapist is an excellent one. Maybe it will result in deciding to reach out to her in the future, and maybe it won't. But the reality is that there is no reason for him NOT to talk with a professional before trying contact again, and it may help him see a side of this that he hasn't seen before.

It doesn't sound like you or your husband knows the specifics of what the girl's parents have told her, so from what you've written I don't think it's fair to assume they have lied to her. It is clear, though, that your husband's attempt to reach out via Facebook was not welcomed. Perhaps in the future that will change, and now that they know he has a FB account, they know how to contact him. As difficult as it may be, your husband needs to recognize that another attempt to contact them or her could end very badly. Seeking the perspective and advice of a professional could really be beneficial.