What to do about a child who no longer wants to go!

[goofymama]

My DS (13) tends to get anxious about things. We've been on 3 cruises and he loved everyone of them. When we first started talking about going again in late October, he was so excited. Then he had a bad dream or something about the ship capsizing shortly after we booked. It's been 2 months since then and he is still quite anxious and says he's not going! I have not watched the news with him anywhere around for the last few days as I don't want him to even get wind of what happened with the Concordia! But I really don't know what to do....we're not going until May.

Any ideas about how to make him comfortable between now and then?

 

[justmestace]

I think you have a couple of choices. If you don't really care one way or the other, then don't make him go.

If you really don't want to cancel, you could just wait and hope he'll get over it in time.

Or you could....and probably should....take him to see the doctor. If he's that anxious at his age, then he most likely is anxious about other things too, and the doctor might have some ideas on how to help him, even if it has to be some kind of medication.

 

[PartofDisney'sWorld]

Maybe you could remind him of how much he loved the other cruises. Do you have any photos from those cruises? Pull those out and start going through them with him.

Also I would just tell him that his dream was just that: a dream. It's not going to come true, it was not a premonition. And it is extremely unlikely that the ship will capsize. He has a much higher chance of being in a car accident.

 

[kcashner]

Well, it isn't May and you can still cancel. I'd talk to him and lay it on the line--you can either drop him from the reservation and go without him or cancel the entire cruise. But I'd put it to him as a "last chance" discussion before doing anything.

I'm with the above--he needs to see someone for this anxiety, especially if it involves anything more than the ship.

 

[Candy Apple]

He may already know about the recent events from school. DS11 discussed this in Social Studies class during current events. If you don't discuss the rarity of such events with him, he may become even more anxious as to why you are not discussing the Concordia with him. Just like the birds and the bees, it is better to get the facts from a reliable source, so you can allay his fears.

 

[mellers]

My DS (13) tends to get anxious about things. We've been on 3 cruises and he loved everyone of them. When we first started talking about going again in late October, he was so excited. Then he had a bad dream or something about the ship capsizing shortly after we booked. It's been 2 months since then and he is still quite anxious and says he's not going! I have not watched the news with him anywhere around for the last few days as I don't want him to even get wind of what happened with the Concordia! But I really don't know what to do....we're not going until May.

Any ideas about how to make him comfortable between now and then?

I think the important thing is to make clear to him that cruising is safe, and that you would never, never take him someplace that was likely to be dangerous. He will be as safe on the ship as he would be at home.

 

[mousebrat]

You know your son best and need to trust yourself. Our children are younger, but DS6 has Asperger's and would fixate on the Concordia incident if he were exposed to it. At this point, he has no idea and I would like to keep it that way. We also do not want him to know about 9/11 until he is much older, particularly with a trip to NYC in a few months.

As far as dealing with the anxiety, there are several ways you can approach it - again, you know him best. You could go over statistics on cruise incidents to demonstrate how safe the industry is. You could discuss emergency preparedness so that he is comfortable that if something were to happen, he would be able to handle it. Dismissing his fear or being confrontational about it will not likely get you anywhere. He has a concern that recent events demonstrate to be valid. If you want to discuss the Concordia, you can talk about how it looks like the captain did a very foolish thing. If he can remember all the fun he has had, he should go and can meet the captain of the DCL ship to see that he is someone that can be trusted to keep your son safe.

 

[nancynymomof3]

want to go. She has seen the movie Titanic and keeps saying how she doesn't want to go on "Titanic". I've tried to explain to her how long ago that was and how ships have to carry enough lifeboats and have better navigational systems. She doesn't want to hear it. Well, when I saw what happened with the Concordia, I knew I couldn't let her see that. I have to say I kept it from all of my children. My 14 year old told me today that she saw the story about it. We talked about it but I told her not to tell her sister!

I'm eager to read the other responses.

 

[markuehl]

Wow worried about my son too just was talking to a friend about it today and i will ask the dr. about some meds he is anxious to begin with last year he was so worried about the heat playing baseball he is 11 i got him this natural remedy Bach flower essences and it did help but i am thinking he may need something a little stronger just to get on the ship!

 

[princesscinderella]

We are cruising next week on the dream and my DS 7 was watching the news and looked a little panicked by the sight of the Concordia. I opened up a really good conversation with him about consequences. I told him how the captain of the ship was showing off and not following the directions and the path he was supposed to and because of this he caused the accident. That in life we always have consequences for our choices good or bad, but when you choose to do what you are not supposed to there can be really bad consequences. I think because he could see that it was a really bad thing that killed people it really sunk in.

Then I explained to him that because it happened so close to our sailing, that our captain is going to make sure he follow the rules because he can now see what can happen if he doesn't, so there is nothing to worry. We are smart people and we learn from our mistakes and seeing what happens when others make mistakes.

 

[ruadisneyfan2]

He may already know about the recent events from school. DS11 discussed this in Social Studies class during current events. If you don't discuss the rarity of such events with him, he may become even more anxious as to why you are not discussing the Concordia with him. Just like the birds and the bees, it is better to get the facts from a reliable source, so you can allay his fears.

I agree. By that age, current events are discussed in school. It's easy to shield them from the world when they're very little but it gets harder as they get older. On 9/11/01, my boys were 4.75 & 1.5. We kept the TV off while they were awake so they wouldn't know what was happening.

OP, perhaps your not discussing it with him is leading him to wonder if you even know about it.
I considered trying to hide the Concordia accident from my kids, now 15 & 11.5 but figured they have friends who cruise & it will be talked about eventually. They are experienced cruisers and can grasp how rare this accident was.

 

[Camping Griswalds]

I am going to give a slightly different opinion. My 7 year old no longer wants to go on a cruise. She does not know we have it booked for her birthday in August. For now I am going to wait and see, but I would not give her medication to go on a vacation. There are so many things to see and do, we can wait to cruise until she is comfortable, or never cruise. We take vacations for family time and enjoyment. I would not force her or medicate her to go on a ride she was afraid of, so I certainly wouldn't do it to cruise. As always though, this is only my opinion, so many others may disagree. I do think there is no harm in talking about his anxiety with a physician if you feel it is outside "the norm."

 

[disneymagicgirl]

My dd12 doesn't want to cruise either. She is also concerned about shipwreck. Maybe it is the age??

 

[Silverfox97]

We are cruising next week on the dream and my DS 7 was watching the news and looked a little panicked by the sight of the Concordia. I opened up a really good conversation with him about consequences. I told him how the captain of the ship was showing off and not following the directions and the path he was supposed to and because of this he caused the accident. That in life we always have consequences for our choices good or bad, but when you choose to do what you are not supposed to there can be really bad consequences. I think because he could see that it was a really bad thing that killed people it really sunk in.

Then I explained to him that because it happened so close to our sailing, that our captain is going to make sure he follow the rules because he can now see what can happen if he doesn't, so there is nothing to worry. We are smart people and we learn from our mistakes and seeing what happens when others make mistakes.

Our DD will be 5 in March and we are sch to go on our 5th (her 4th) DCL cruise Feb 9th. At first, I thought about not telling her about the Concordia because I don't want to scare her. Then I read a little on another thread about how it's important to discuss what to do in case of an emergency, so today, I brought her in front of the computer and explained the whole thing to her. I explained to her to her that in the unlikely event of an emergency, if she were not with us, that it was imperative that she listen to the CMs, even though she would be scared. I told her it was like having a fire plan at our house. Since she has been on 4 cruises, she knows about DCL safety - she noticed when we didn't have to wear our life jackets in October (and didn't like it), and sees the crew doing life boat drills. I agree with PP

 

[justmestace]

I am going to give a slightly different opinion. My 7 year old no longer wants to go on a cruise. She does not know we have it booked for her birthday in August. For now I am going to wait and see, but I would not give her medication to go on a vacation. There are so many things to see and do, we can wait to cruise until she is comfortable, or never cruise. We take vacations for family time and enjoyment. I would not force her or medicate her to go on a ride she was afraid of, so I certainly wouldn't do it to cruise. As always though, this is only my opinion, so many others may disagree. I do think there is no harm in talking about his anxiety with a physician if you feel it is outside "the norm."

I wasn't suggesting, and I don't think anyone else meant to either, that the child be medicated just to go on the cruise. After consulting with his doctor, it may turn out that he might need medication...cruise or no cruise....as he might be anxious about other things also.

 

[PizzieDuster]

To original poster.

After booking all I heard from my DD13 is, "I don't want to go, you can't make me." Blah blah blah. We sail 1/29. After going shopping, after her friends say you are so lucky...and seeing the luggage out and all the DIS Fish Exchanger stuff around --- she is so excited now. I'm sure the IPAD she got for Christmas helps....but nonetheless, she is just NOW getting excited.

Wow, how time goes on. Our first Disney cruise she was 5, in the Oceaneer Club. My DS1 was 11 and loved the lab (he cried when we left the ship). My DS2 was 13 and enjoyed the teen club. She's 13 now, DS19, DS22 (at college now) now tell her how lucky she is. I think that got her excited too.

Who am I kidding, she's probably just happy to miss 5 days of school

 

[gichicdoc]

Who needs to be a kid to be anxious about cruising?! Even I'm a little worried after seeing the Concordia pictures and I've been on more than 10 cruises!!

 

[kitnrose99]

It may be partly the age, as mentioned - that's about the age my friend's and I became interested in disasters. You know your kid best but I'd err on the side of information delivered calmly. Or look at cruise disasters on Wikipedia. That worked for me. But that obviously could backfire so use your judgment.

The best descriptor of anxiety I've seen said something about it being a combination of lack of knowledge, a feeling of helplessness, and the ability to imagine the bad. A ship sinking is easy enough to envision without the Concordia helping! So not much to be done about that. You can tackle the other two, though. get stats about wrecks and what causes them and the likelihood of that. Work out a plan for a disaster. Or, better, have him work out the plan. That was always the best way to get me calmed - give me some control. HTH and once he's on onboard he should be fine.

 

[Disney On A Dime!]

Anxiety is a huge issue in my house! I think that what needs to be evaluated about the entire situation is whether or not your son gets anxious on a regular basis about things that others do not worry about. My oldest son would worry about going to the doctor two months ahead of time...and this would be while we were on vacation at Disney! He worried about school starting, what time baseball practice was, if he even had a practice, simple school assignments, the ending of a vacation, the number of assignments he had (Whether short or long), and many more. Now some of these appear to be items that would cause anxiety in some of us, however; my son would allow these items to take over his entire thought process...even his fun...say like at Disney.


My point...I would see a doctor if the anxiety about anything is taking over the normal life activities...and especially activities that would be fun for most people. My son started medication in the fifth grade, and it made a world of difference! He was no longer "Hung Up" on things that really should be normal life activities.


Lastly...if your son is just displaying anxiety about getting on the cruise-ship...then the talks about preparedness and how safe the ships really are should be beneficial. If it is truly anxiety...then that will just give him more items to think about.


(This is all just my experience...I am by no means an expert...Just a mom who has a kid with anxiety.)


Crystal

 

[lark]

I think there are some pretty good resources on the net about what to do about nervous flyers, including children. I think maybe it's the same principle.

At early teenage years, I think some children would take well to being shown how many cruise ships there are on the seas at any one time and how many go off week after week, year after year without incident. Maybe also an explanation that after an incident like this, if anything, travel is safer.

The reality is that going on a cruise is safer than riding a bicycle, statistically, I would guess. While this would not be much solace for a 7-year old, I think it might be one approach for a pre-teen, depending on the child. By that age, the child knows that there are risks in life and can be educated about the difference between taking careless risks and taking calculated risks, like flying in an airplane, or going on a cruise.

Most every child has anxieties. Some are fleeting -- like those caused by seeing a scary movie, or news of a shipping disaster, or monster-in-the-closet fantasies. Some people, though, really do have anxiety disorders (including, of course, children). If anxieties are more than one-off random things and actually interfere with life, or are accompanied by other anxiety symptoms or OCD symptoms, consulting with your pediatrician to see whether a visit to a professional who is versed in these issues is something to consider. People with anxiety disorders are really suffering, and the tough part of it is that they don't even know, because they don't have a baseline to compare it to. We all know what it feels like when our finger isn't broken, so when it's broken, we know to go the doctor.

Then, of course, there is the matter that sometimes kids just don't want what their parents want, irrespective of anxiety. I find disney vacations require careful analysis and honesty about whether I'm doing it for me or for them.