Vacationing with the In-Laws (extended family)

[Gillyrose779]

When we went to Disney the first time with our kids we brought my mother. Our kids are 2 and 4 and we just worried we would need the help. We asked my mom b/c she is the laid back, go with the flow mentality.

Now that we have a feel for Disney we are doing it alone. DH and I discussed if we feel guilty that we are not inviting his mom this time. Honestly she is so negative and flighty it would annoy the crap out of us. Plus- we are movers and she just can't handle that with her knee. Thankfully DH and I are on the same page and have no problem speaking our mind and saying no.

Disney vacation are a lot of money so you do what's best for your family.

The one thing that helps us is that we try to be fully independent from the grandparents so not to feel like we "owe" the something. Ie. - daycare, constant babysitting, etc...

 

[TX Southern Belle]

I think they want to experience the magic with their grandkids & y'all. My In-Laws and I are extremely close & we do a lot of things together. We are going all together & actually staying in a room together. I couldn't imagine going without them. My daughters are so close them & when I was a kid I was really close to mind as well. I have so many wonderful memories with them & want that for my daughters. If y'all go to Disney World almost every other year I don't see why not going one year together. I would just tell them the kids can only go to their room for on evening & you & your husband go have a romantic dinner or something then go pick them up. If you don't want to go do anything one evening then just tell them that & not to ask when everyone is at Disney World. When something comes up with my In-Laws about them taking the girls for weekend & I don't want them to go I just tell them politely. They always tell me that they are happy I spoke up because they were thinking it would be nice for us the have some time alone. My daughters always come home with somthjng the grandparents got them after they stayed the night. I finally just told them the kids have enough stuff & ask them to cut back on the spending. The same rule applies at Disney World too. I think it would be a great experience for the whole family & it will be a wonderful memory for the kids with the grandparents. That's just me though, I know not everyone gets along with their In-Laws like us. I am blessed to have them and can honestly say I see them as my parents too. If you just really don't want them to go then you & your family go alone & have a great time.

 

[BraveLittleToaster2]

The one thing that helps us is that we try to be fully independent from the grandparents so not to feel like we "owe" the something. Ie. - daycare, constant babysitting, etc...

We are very independent. We never really use sitters at all. I would say maybe 3 times a year and we will sometimes ask my parents first. Depends on the need for babysitting.

Also, THEY didnt ask to go on vacation with us. My BIL mentioned all of us taking a trip together and so my inlaws said "well I heard they are planning to go in the fall" so then they started asking as if we could turn that into an everybody trip.

 

[Angel Ariel]

We have gone to WDW twice since DD was born, and both times we went with extended family. While I am looking forward to going there as a family on our own, it was very special for me to go with DD and her grandparents. Growing up, I only knew one grandparent (the others passed away before I was born, or when I was very young and I don't remember). DD has all 4 grandparents right now, and I want there to be many pictures and memories of experiencing things like Disney with them and her.

That said, I had concerns about traveling with extended family on both trips. Both trips ended up being absolutely wonderful, though. I think the biggest thing to do if you are going to travel with extended family is to sit down with everyone and talk about everyone's expectations, so that everyone is on the same page well before the trip.

For us, that meant asking the grandparents if they could watch DD for part of the time so that DH and I could have some alone time. We went to WDW for our honeymoon and anniversary, and it is a special place for us as a couple. Because of that, we wanted some alone time (not a lot, just things like BOG dinner by ourselves). Everyone was on board with that, so it worked out well. We talked about dining before we left ( would we do all meals together, just one/day, etc), whether or not we'd spend the whole day together, etc. We laid ground rules and expectations.

If you choose to travel with the ILs, I highly recommend setting those boundaries before the trip. Personally, I would at least have them join you at the parks after a few days...it may not be your favorite idea, but they may also be very special memories for your children that they will treasure.

 

[cjbcam]

I can see where you are coming from. My DH does not get much vacation time so the time he does get I want to be with him and my kids. That being said I wish my in laws would take our kids every now and then. They are not involved in our lives at all. I have asked them to come over for Dinner or visit or ask if they want us to visit and its always no. To the point I don't ask anymore and we see them less than ten times a year. Actually lucky if we see them five times.
I think if its just once and not every vacation then why not? It will not hurt you and I'm sure your DH would love to have those memories with his parents and children. Set some ground rules like they only get the kids once by themselves on the trip.
Good luck with your trip.

 

[TooExcitedCantSleep]

I know that. I'm a non confrontational person, and I have gotten better at not saying yes every weekend. Though I typically just tell my husband no and he will relay the message, because I'd rather it come from him. I am trying to get better at it. It is a fault of mine. Lately it has been more like every other weekend, though I'd still prefer even a little less then that because we just dont get enough time to ourselves.

I believe it's the husband's responsibility to communicate this to his parents.....not yours. I don't care for confrontation either and I don't recommend it but I know sometimes distancing yourself works. It's not the nicest or best way to do things but it avoids the confrontation and hurt feelings-----maybe.

 

[Angel Ariel]

We were planning on going for Halloween. So I'm leaning towards going down for 6 days with Halloween being one we get alone with the kids. Then having the In-laws meet us down there maybe the day after Halloween and they can spend 3 days with us before we leave. But I will prefer if they stay at a different hotel from us personally. It's just to close for comfort for me. I'd rather have them meet us places.

My DH i think understands my point, but he is much more laid back then I am.

My MIL is just too overly helpful to me. Even for my kids birthdays if I tell her the theme ahead of time she will pick up pinatas and plates and cups and tablecovers etc. I only have one childhood with my children and I want to go and pick those things out with them. But I don't like telling her because I don't want to offend her. I mean I get it....she always tells me she misses when her kids were little.

But she needs to let me be the mom and do those things for them. She has gotten better over the years, but I've never been upfront and one other reason I'm worried about going on vacation with them is I'm afraid if I get too stressed or annoyed about it that I'll snap and say something that will come across harsh, and I dont want to hurt our relationship.

I could have written this about my MIL. Not so much on the party stuff, because they live far enough away that she can't help with planning, but she takes it upon herself to try and make decisions for DD that are DH's and mine to make, so I get that.

That said - I think you are doing more to hurt your relationship with your MIL by not addressing these issues than you would by politely standing up for yourself and your family. DD is not yet 2, and yes we are still working through stuff with my MIL, but DH understands the importance of boundaries. We talk about this a lot when we're visiting MIL or she's visiting us, and he generally addresses any issues as they arise. It's not always fixing the situation/stopping the behavior, but it's also not giving MIL the idea from the beginning that what she's doing is OK. He's very non-confrontational, so nothing is rude or mean in how he addresses her, but he does make it clear that there are some things that are not negotiable.

I really think boundaries are very important when dealing with family. As you said about yours, my parents are very good at respecting boundaries without us really needing to say anything. MIL isn't, and so we say something..because if we don't, it'll never change.

 

[Lyndsey]

We have gone to Disney at least once a year for the last 14 years..Last spring break was the first time my husband and kids went without any other member of both families. But my oldest also did not attend he was at the beach with a friends family. We enjoy having extended family with us as both sides are very close. This spring break there are 23 of us going. But I am also very vocal in what I expect when I am on vacation. I would make it very clear that you do not mind them going to Disney at the same time but that there will have to be some ground rules. Tell them the kids do not need to buy every thing they see, so if the grandparents want to pitch in they can give the kids, say 100 before the trip starts and that is all. Also that you are taking a family trip because you want to spend the time with your kids and you do not want any alone time. If they cannot go along with your "rules" then simply tell them it would be better off if they planned their trip for a different time. I do not see anything wrong with you not wanting your family vacation to be anything but what YOU want it to be. I hope you have a good trip!

 

[Angel Ariel]

I believe it's the husband's responsibility to communicate this to his parents.....not yours. I don't care for confrontation either and I don't recommend it but I know sometimes distancing yourself works. It's not the nicest or best way to do things but it avoids the confrontation and hurt feelings-----maybe.

I also agree with this. DH deals with his family when there are issues, I deal with mine.

DH and I will talk about problems as/if they arise, and come to a place where we both agree on how to handle it. Then we handle our respective families as we've agreed.

 

[flutterby3744]

We travelled with my brother and his family on our last trip and i definatly agree with PP about carving out time! We had a great time together, but our families are very different, so we ended up missing a lot of what we wanted to do.

I would use the fact that Disney needs to be "uber" planned ahead of time. Set aside certain park days to do with them, maybe some ADRs, but stress that you would also like "just your family" days as well. Take them up on the babysitting offer one night. Let them have their night of fun with the kids, and take advantage of a little "freedom". Book an ADR at V&A or something make a romantic evening out of it.

As for the gifts, I COMPLETELY understand you here. My advice is that before hand tell the grandparents that you would like the souvenirs to be a great life learning exercise in budgeting. The grandparents can buy each child a gift card with a set amount, then the kids can buy whatever they want with them, but it isn't an ask and you shall receive moment every time. Win/win

Most importantly, all have fun together. I went to Disney with both sets of my grandparents as a child and as an adult, and now that they are no longer with us, I hold those memories VERY close to my heart!

 

[foodrocksluver]

We are very independent. We never really use sitters at all. I would say maybe 3 times a year and we will sometimes ask my parents first. Depends on the need for babysitting.

Also, THEY didnt ask to go on vacation with us. My BIL mentioned all of us taking a trip together and so my inlaws said "well I heard they are planning to go in the fall" so then they started asking as if we could turn that into an everybody trip.

Currently going through this EXACT situation. Except soon to be BIL has the children and my fiance and I don't have any.

I am internally combusting over the fact that BIL will most likely be staying off site and we will be staying on site. I want things to go smoothly for him and worry that staying off site his first time may create issues beyond our control.

But I'm realizing that that is his problem and not mine. And as for the in-laws: they don't give, they will stay wherever and do whatever as long as they are spending time with us.

My problems are like you originally stated, you like for your vacations to be about you. And I've only known WDW vacations with my parents and so a whole group of people freaks me out

The good thing about my in-laws is they know how crazy I am when it comes to planning WDW vacations and don't care if we don't spend every waking moment together.

I know it would be a different kind of WDW vacation than I'm used to but I know it will be special in it's own way even if things don't go 100% as planned.

Maybe give your in laws a chance to join you on your vacation but set ground rules (they need to do their own thing sometimes, they take the kids sometimes so you a hubby can have date night, they limit their spending on the kids). I think that if you go about it in a certain manner you may end up having one of the most memorable vacation experiences at WDW

 

[myjourney]

I would give almost anything to have my parents or my husbands parents shower my children with love, but they are all gone now. I think if you wanted to, you can be mature enough to find a way to have your family time and still let them love their grandchildren.

Why don't you suggest they take the kids for a week in the summer, without you and your husband. Then you can have your family vacation and the kids get to go twice.

 

[2009CAN]

I haven’t read any of the responses yet, but here’s what I would suggest. This is ONE “extended family” trip, so I’d try to make it happen. Your kids and their cousins will have wonderful memories of this trip for a lifetime and will view the time together differently than you.

With that being said, before the true planning phase starts, I’d have your HUSBAND have a very polite conversation with his parents and basically say, “we are excited about this family vacation. But since we only vacation every/other year, it’s really important for us to spend time with our little family as well as the overall family. I just want to make sure that we’re all on the same page. Also, you always generously watch our kids for us on weekends and I’m sure you’ll offer to take them for us. But it’s really important to me to spend time with the kids/wife as much as I can because this is our every/other vacation and I work long hours. Let’s plan one evening where we let you take the kids and so something fun and wife and I will plan something just as a couple.”

I think that’s very reasonable. But overall, be kind, but set FIRM boundaries and expectations before the planning even begins, and then stick to it.

 

[wordwitt]

Your in-laws are obviously very loving people, and that is good. You can work with that. But you need to work on setting and enforcing some boundaries. Because what's going to happen is that you are going to let the resentment build up and blow, and the fault for the ensuing drama will not be your in-laws-- because they didn't know they were doing anything wrong-- but yours-- because you never set the boundaries to begin with. No, it is not easy, but it is a kind, gracious, and mature approach to dealing with family. What you think of as "nice" and "non-confrontational" is not helpful, nor is it a good example to set for your kids. I agree that you and your husband need to have a united front, but that he is is not your protector and mouthpiece.

Compromise is indicated here. I like the split stay approach, and after communicating your feelings in a pleasant and firm manner, if your in-laws are offended, that's on them.

 

[BuckeyeBama]

It sounds to me like you have a MiL who loves you and your children. You are very lucky. Everything that she does that presents a problem seems to flow from that love.

We can never love someone too deeply. Find a way to cherish her and her love instead of seeking to limit it. Embrace everything that she has to offer.

Life is too short and love too precious to waste even the tiniest amount of either.

 

[Angel Ariel]

It sounds to me like you have a MiL who loves you and your children. You are very lucky. Everything that she does that presents a problem seems to flow from that love.

We can never love someone too deeply. Find a way to cherish her and her love instead of seeking to limit it. Embrace everything that she has to offer.

Life is too short and love too precious to waste even the tiniest amount of either.

While I agree that love is important, so is respect. It does not sound as though the OP's MIL respects the boundaries the OP and her DH have attempted to set. Boundaries are not the same as limits on love.

 

[ArwenMarie]

Parents really need to understand that this is not right. Your adult children do not owe you anything other than love and respect. I believe it's so cruel to guilt the adult kids into taking them on vacation. OP- it's YOUR decision to make and it is a tough one. I know if I said "no".......I would feel like crap and my trip would be ruined anyway because I would be burdened with guilt. Which is why parents should not ask to go. I know I will not ask to go on vacation with my adult children and grandkids....I won't. I can see myself planning my own vacation and inviting my kids and grand kids in the future...that's different-----but their vacation it their vacation. I believe the three day suggestion is the best solution. Good luck.

I agree.

Boundaries are important.

 

[BuckeyeBama]

While I agree that love is important, so is respect. It does not sound as though the OP's MIL respects the boundaries the OP and her DH have attempted to set. Boundaries are not the same as limits on love.

Sorry, the OP has made it clear that she has not attempted to set boundaries. All we have here is love. We have seen no signs of disrespect.

Love is amazing, and unconditional.

 

[Angel Ariel]

Sorry, the OP has made it clear that she has not attempted to set boundaries. All we have here is love. We have seen no signs of disrespect.

Love is amazing, and unconditional.

Your post came across as saying she shouldnt try to set boundaries ( or "limits on love"). She may not have done so yet, but choosing to do so in the future is not.limiting love. That's the point I was trying to make.

 

[bigbabyblues]

We don't vacation with anyone ever. The ILs have taken several trips with all their kids, and DH always declines. We are close to them, we love them, but our vacations are ours and that is not negotiable.