Parents of son's friend invitied him on a Disney trip for spring break next year

[Dadof3inNH]

I hope that when your kids get older, get married and have kids, they all get together and bring you on a great vacation with everyone, without you feeling the need that you owe them. I would hope that you take it with open arms and not do what you did here. Just take it!

I doubt that will ever happen. Siblings go their own ways and many people don't like taking their spouse's parents on vacations.

 

[LongLiveRafiki]

Frankly, I think some posters have been a little harsh. It's obvious that you have been through a lot and are trying your best for your kids. I can only imagine how difficult things have been and I'm sorry for your loss.

I think it is important for you to figure out exactly what your reservations are concerning your child going on this trip. Are you worried that you don't know the family well enough? Is it that you are uncomfortable knowing that you can't do something of equal value in return? Is it that you don't want his only vacation to be without you? Is it that he would be getting an experience that your other child wouldn't? Or perhaps is it hitting home that you will never have the opportunity for a family vacation with your wife gone?

It could be several of these reasons combined and that might be making it more difficult to sort through what the best decision is. I really recommend though that you think through each reservation you have and how strongly you feel about each one. Sometimes separating your concerns helps you to think about them clearer.

Personally, I don't think there's ever one clear way to raise kids. Everyone's experiences and circumstances are different and what may be right for one family is not the best choice for another. You have to decide what's best for you and your family. We can offer opinions and suggestions, but we are only outsiders. Whatever you decide, as long as you are making the decision you feel is best for your son and your family, don't let anyone let you feel bad about that decision.

Going back to what I would personally do... Well, it would depend heavily on how well I knew the other family and their son. I personally would not feel comfortable with sending my child on vacation with people that I didn't know extremely well. If my child wasn't really close friends with their child, I would question why the invitation was extended. I also wouldn't be thrilled if my child was personally asked before I was if they could go. If I knew the family well, I would strongly consider it, and would try to come up with some way of showing my thanks.

Is there anything that you are particularly good at that you could make for them as a gift, like painting them something or building them a picture frame or bird house out of wood? Invite the dad and the son out fishing or to play baseball or something at the local park. Invite the family out for a BBQ. If you're not comfortable doing it at your house, do you have a local park or lake that you could do something like that at? Depending on when the trip is, could your son pick up some work in the neighborhood mowing lawns or shovelling snow in the winter or something to earn a little spending money? My DD did extra chores around our house and other relatives' to earn her own spending money for our family trip, as well as asked for Disney gift cards in lieu of presents for Christmas and her birthday. I just thought I'd throw a few suggestions out since you asked about it in your first post and nobody really responded to that part.

 

[PrincessShmoo]

I already work overtime when it's offered. I said earlier in this thread that I'm saving money for my kids' future whether they go to college or trade/vocational school. I'm not going to risk using money for vacations when that money can go to my kids getting an education or a trade. I also do my best to not spend a lot of money for groceries and I don't even buy new clothes for myself. My wife never had expensive jewelry and we never had wedding rings either. I try to save money, but there's no way I can give my kids vacations plus educational expenses, food, insurance co-pays, clothes, and many other necessities.

Just my perspective. My dad died when I (the oldest) was in 8th grade. My mom (who was already working full time) started back to college (full-time at night) and raised me and my sisters. We had plenty of family vacations. Many of them were "simple" camping trips. As in "real" camping in a tent, cooking meals over a fire pit, and braving whatever the weather would throw at us. I don't recall ever feeling cheated out of a "real" vacation.

By the time my mom got her degree (10 years later), my sisters & I were mostly all in college. While my mom helped out on that, she didn't pay for it. We went to Community Colleges, and worked at the same time.

I don't think I had a bad childhood, or felt that I lacked for anything. Why? Because my mom was always there. And was always up front about what we could and could not do.

In fact, the best trip/vacation I remember was a month long bus trip (as in "take Greyhound and leave the driving to us") back to New York, stopping every couple of days to stay with friends or relatives along the way. We sent our sleeping bags on ahead from place to place and ate at the local five & dime store counters. I didn't feel then, or now, that that was a bad trip.

I remember another "trip" - we checked into the local Holiday Inn for one night. Had the use of a pool and ordered 2 hamburger dinners through room service to share.

 

[LongLiveRafiki]

I doubt that will ever happen. Siblings go their own ways and many people don't like taking their spouse's parents on vacations.

My mom couldn't afford a lot raising us 3 kids growing up and the only vacations we had with her was camping. And that was great.

When I joined the military, I was able to take advantage of the great military discounts that were offered at Disney and I paid for a trip for my mom and younger brother and I to go. I'm now married with kids and we went to Disney again last year with my mom and brother, as well as my husband and kids. Lots of families don't go on vacation until their kids are grown, but then all go together with their adult kids and sometimes grandkids and great-grandkids. Just saying, it does happen.

 

[Disney_Alli]

They might have secretly felt bad and I don't like being beholden to other people. It's bad enough when I had to take help from assistant offices and my church when my wife was dying. I don't think you have ever been in the situation in which you have to take shamefully take help from other people.

Well since you know my life sooooo well I'm officially out. I hope you find peace.

 

[MrsJackSparrow4Life]

Not sure you are for real but....

My parents couldn’t afford anything other than camping and trips to the grandparent’s house until I was in High school and even then it was just an extended camping trip down the Oregon coast.

If someone had offered to take me to Disney and my parents said no, I probably would have been extremely upset and been a total brat for weeks. Eventually I would have got over it though. If you say no this is something you need to be prepared for and deal with until he works through his disappointment. Him being disappointed is not a mark against your parenting, it is him being human.

As I got older I realized my parents gave me the truly important things in life. We were never hungry, always had food and clothing and never went without health insurance. Once I had my own money I planned a trip to Disneyland for my mom, daughter and myself as a thank you. I would have taken my dad as well but he didn’t want to go at the time. Since then I have gone on many trips with them, my family and my brother’s family so I think you may be surprised by your kids in the future still wanting to do things with you, even if they have families of their own. Especially with all the sacrifices you made for them.

 

[Dadof3inNH]

Frankly, I think some posters have been a little harsh. It's obvious that you have been through a lot and are trying your best for your kids. I can only imagine how difficult things have been and I'm sorry for your loss.

I think it is important for you to figure out exactly what your reservations are concerning your child going on this trip. Are you worried that you don't know the family well enough? Is it that you are uncomfortable knowing that you can't do something of equal value in return? Is it that you don't want his only vacation to be without you? Is it that he would be getting an experience that your other child wouldn't? Or perhaps is it hitting home that you will never have the opportunity for a family vacation with your wife gone?

It could be several of these reasons combined and that might be making it more difficult to sort through what the best decision is. I really recommend though that you think through each reservation you have and how strongly you feel about each one. Sometimes separating your concerns helps you to think about them clearer.

Personally, I don't think there's ever one clear way to raise kids. Everyone's experiences and circumstances are different and what may be right for one family is not the best choice for another. You have to decide what's best for you and your family. We can offer opinions and suggestions, but we are only outsiders. Whatever you decide, as long as you are making the decision you feel is best for your son and your family, don't let anyone let you feel bad about that decision.

Going back to what I would personally do... Well, it would depend heavily on how well I knew the other family and their son. I personally would not feel comfortable with sending my child on vacation with people that I didn't know extremely well. If my child wasn't really close friends with their child, I would question why the invitation was extended. I also wouldn't be thrilled if my child was personally asked before I was if they could go. If I knew the family well, I would strongly consider it, and would try to come up with some way of showing my thanks.

Is there anything that you are particularly good at that you could make for them as a gift, like painting them something or building them a picture frame or bird house out of wood? Invite the dad and the son out fishing or to play baseball or something at the local park. Invite the family out for a BBQ. If you're not comfortable doing it at your house, do you have a local park or lake that you could do something like that at? Depending on when the trip is, could your son pick up some work in the neighborhood mowing lawns or shovelling snow in the winter or something to earn a little spending money? My DD did extra chores around our house and other relatives' to earn her own spending money for our family trip, as well as asked for Disney gift cards in lieu of presents for Christmas and her birthday. I just thought I'd throw a few suggestions out since you asked about it in your first post and nobody really responded to that part.

Giving or making gift or doing a BBQ still wouldn't be adequate in my opinion. I would be ok with my son doing small jobs to earn spending money, but even that still wouldn't make me feel bad about him possibly going on a trip on someone else's dime.

 

[disykat]

I'm sorry you're not getting much support here.

I would not let my child vacation with another family either. My parents wouldn't have allowed me to do so either. While we did have the opportunity to vacation, I know many kids who didn't and you know what? They were fine. If they had families who loved them, they were fine. Many people here invite other children on their family trips, so that is their perspective. Mine is more like yours. The idea of sending my child with another family simply is not comfortable. My kids survived my parenting choices, yours will too.

You are the parent and you have the right to say no, whatever your reasons. If it doesn't feel right to you, don't do it. Trust your gut as a father. Other people might make other choices, that doesn't mean your feelings or choices are wrong.

There are people here who think if you've never been to WDW you've simply never lived. It's not true. I took my first trip there at 26. Guess who my chosen traveling companions were? My parents! (They paid their way, I paid mine.) My parents said no to me a lot. (A school trip to Mexico came to mind when I tried to think of anything similar they didn't support.) I also said no to my kids. (There were trips offered through school that would have been no dice from me.) It didn't ruin our lives.

 

[Dadof3inNH]

My mom couldn't afford a lot raising us 3 kids growing up and the only vacations we had with her was camping. And that was great.

When I joined the military, I was able to take advantage of the great military discounts that were offered at Disney and I paid for a trip for my mom and younger brother and I to go. I'm now married with kids and we went to Disney again last year with my mom and brother, as well as my husband and kids. Lots of families don't go on vacation until their kids are grown, but then all go together with their adult kids and sometimes grandkids and great-grandkids. Just saying, it does happen.

I wouldn't want my kids when they are grown to spend money on a vacation for me when their focus should be their spouses and kids. The guilt of not being able to give them a decent vacation will always be with me. I don't think my younger two are happy with camping just like the older one.

 

[Dadof3inNH]

Just my perspective. My dad died when I (the oldest) was in 8th grade. My mom (who was already working full time) started back to college (full-time at night) and raised me and my sisters. We had plenty of family vacations. Many of them were "simple" camping trips. As in "real" camping in a tent, cooking meals over a fire pit, and braving whatever the weather would throw at us. I don't recall ever feeling cheated out of a "real" vacation.

By the time my mom got her degree (10 years later), my sisters & I were mostly all in college. While my mom helped out on that, she didn't pay for it. We went to Community Colleges, and worked at the same time.

I don't think I had a bad childhood, or felt that I lacked for anything. Why? Because my mom was always there. And was always up front about what we could and could not do.

In fact, the best trip/vacation I remember was a month long bus trip (as in "take Greyhound and leave the driving to us") back to New York, stopping every couple of days to stay with friends or relatives along the way. We sent our sleeping bags on ahead from place to place and ate at the local five & dime store counters. I didn't feel then, or now, that that was a bad trip.

I remember another "trip" - we checked into the local Holiday Inn for one night. Had the use of a pool and ordered 2 hamburger dinners through room service to share.

I'm glad that you enjoyed those trips. But, for me it's disappointing that my kids have never stayed in a very nice hotel, they have never been to amusement parks, major sporting events, and other things. I get very sad seeing friends my own age being able to take their kids to all those trips and then posting tons of pictures on Facebook and Instagram.

 

[disykat]

Forget about "facebook envy" (we all get it at times) and remember that the best things are usually things that money can't buy. Sounds goody two shoes, but it's true.

 

[NHdisneylover]

I'll be blunt in hopes it jars you into seeing how you are harming your children, which I do not think you intend to do.

I don't like the idea of other parents giving my child experiences and memories that I can't give him.

And that's the crux if it. Back up and read what you wrote You're essentially saying that you are too selfish to allow your child to have good expierences that come from others---any sherd of good in his life you want to be owed to you, even just the joy of having a friend over is denied him.

Wow. You suffered great tragedy in losing your wife. I am truly sorry. However, you seem to have chosen to wallow in that and act the martyr which is bad/harmful not only for you but also for your kids. You owe it to them to get help coping.

Also every single time you tell one of your children they cannot have a friend over because the house is small, worn out, or that they cannot accept an invitation (to a movie or Disney) because you cannot reciprocate in kind, you give your children the message that they are worthless. You tell them that their friendship and companionship is of no value. That they are only worth the material things they have.
Money would not be wasted on therapy if the results included an emotionally supportive father.

 

[disykat]

Removing post so it won't be seen as mean as the post that I responded to.

Words have power.

 

[GTBB]

I don’t agree this is charity - our DD is an only child and from the age of 8 we had friend of DD join us on vacations - from the age of 10 it was the same child who joined us each year - this was something that we were very happy about and it never occurred to us to look on this as charity we loved having her friend with us on trips (from the age of 10 until the girls were in university this happened at least twice a year) she also spent a lot of time at our home and was (and is) part of our “family”.

What is your sons relationship with this family? Does he spend time with them generally?

Maybe you could arrange to go see the family to discuss this - we did this with DD friends mom (single parent) - although we were very different she became a close friend and over the years helped us enormously on several occasions (one that always stands out was when my father was very sick and lived three hours away - she was always there with the offer to have DD stay with her which was such a help).

Don’t judge people by the money they have/don’t have - meet them you might be surprised... and don’t think you need to repay or offer them anything - I’m sure they are not expecting it.

Have you discussed this with your son - maybe he has some thoughts you should be listening to.

 

[EveDallas]

They might have secretly felt bad and I don't like being beholden to other people. It's bad enough when I had to take help from assistant offices and my church when my wife was dying. I don't think you have ever been in the situation in which you have to take shamefully take help from other people.

It's pretty obvious you aren't going to let the kid go and are just letting for ways to justify your decision. That's your right as a father. Just don't be surprised when your kid resents you for denying him an opportunity like this.

 

[EveDallas]

I'm getting a whiff of troll. Or maybe a bored teenager with a keyboard.

 

[NHdisneylover]

I'm getting a whiff of troll. Or maybe a bored teenager with a keyboard.

I honestly hope that's what it is

 

[Poohforyou]

Hello everyone, I'm new here. I'm a single father of three kids and my middle child who is 13 got invited on a trip with friends. I'm undecided on whether to let him go as I don't want to accept such an extravagant gift from non-relatives that we can't pay back in any equal way. My wife passed away two years ago and it's been hard and I don't like taking help all the time unless for necessities. This past year I've done well financially as I've had a raise and a promotion. But, I can't afford to take my kids on trips and when my wife was alive we couldn't afford it as she was disabled due to a stroke that she suffered after our youngest was born. Growing up myself my family never did any trips and the first time I ever rode in plane was when I was 35 and that was the only time since then.

I've looked at Disney hotel sites and various blogs and see that Disney parks are very expensive and I'm now hesitant to allow my son to go. Like I said before, we can't pay this family back in any way. I feel like a failure that I can't give my kids extra. I'm looking for any advice on how I can pay the family back in some way or if my son can work for the trip. But, I also might not allow my son to go because it's too expensive for another family to pay for him. I'm very torn on this.

I'm so sorry for your loss. I lost my dad as a child and have a special place in my heart for children who lose a parent.

I also understand your hesitation. We live in a very affluent area but are at the lower end of the spectrum. Here kids get invited on trips to Europe. We took one of our daughter's friends to the beach - that's our speed.

That being said, our daughter is an only child so bringing a friend along is a benefit to my husband and me as well. We can go do things on our own while our daughter has fun with her friend.

I know it's hard to let people help you. I'm a much better giver than receiver. However, perhaps if you look at how your accepting this gift will make the parents feel it'll be easier. When I'm able to do something for someone it makes me so happy. It isn't a "look at me I'm so great" feeling it's more a "I'm so blessed for all people have done for me in my life that I want to pay it forward".

You may never be able to financially repay this family and that's ok. There will be a point in the future where you can do something for someone and that's your opportunity.

 

[Julylady]

My Dad died when I was young. He was injured in a horrible truck accident which left him disabled for two years before he passed. My Mom was left to raise 4 of us. Money was always tight. Our church, family, and friends helped us out a lot. My younger brother was invited by a friend on a summer trip to California when he was 12. He went and it was fine. We always camped at state parks in a camper my Mom “borrowed” from a friend. I have nothing but good memories of those trips. As adults we are all still very close. We often take family trips together including my Mom.

If you don’t think you are hurting your kids with your beliefs, you are wrong. I was raised in an environment very similar to your kids’ situation, with one big difference. My Mom put us kids first, and her pride second. Excuse me....I feel the need to call her and thank her after reading this thread.

 

[LovesTimone]

First off... here's a hug.

Your a amazing Dad, wanting to give and teach your kids values, as well teaching them about money and hard work. As well you have been through a horrible ordeal losing your wife, and the kids their mom. Congratulations on the promotion and raise. You are moving in the right direction. Being a single mom for several years, I understand the amount of pressure that you are under, with kids to take care of, the house, and work... how to balance it all... is over whelming. Please don't take this the wrong way, I do not mean any disrespect. When I was a single parent I belonged to a group like parents without partners which was truly a blessing to have that outlet, having someone to listen and learn, get ideas, and talk about things. Perhaps have you thought about maybe talking to someone at church or a grief group to help with the adult emotions that you have been through. I say this as our good friend lost his wife and close to the same situation as yourself. He just focused on his kids and never gave himself a moment to grieve, he was at work and had chest pains, they thought it was a heart attack at first then they realized it was an anxiety attack. Once he started talking to other people it gave him other adults to talk to, along with support and outlet for his emotions, and sounding board.


Possibly the family offering is letting each child take a friend so that they have someone to hang out with and will not argue with each other. That's what my parents did when we were kids. It's probably as simple as that. Could you be making more out of the offer, than what it really is and offer to take your kid to Disney?

For me I would let him go... As long as you are okay with them, and know that they will not let him run wild. Look at from his point, this is a chance to hangout with my friends, and more than likely not understand why you won't let him go. If another child goes and they talk about in front of your child how will he feel, left out more than likely. Which might cause problems at home and school.

The shame of things is not asking or accepting help, when you need it. Because you let pride stand in the way. If you knew someone was having a hard time and needed help would you offer and give it? It's the same thing.

Offering prayers and pixie dust.