Parenting an 17/18yo Question

[mjkacmom]

Hi
I'm currently 21 and I completely understand where both sides are coming from. When I go away to college my parents can't stop me because they're not there and I'm living "independently." When I'm at home, they are strict and would never allow me to sleep with a man let alone be alone in a room with him. Looking back the past 2 years I really didn't feel like I was missing out on anything and even now I don't. By the time I'm out of the house I will be responsible/mature enough to engage myself in a serious relationship with a man and know I won't regret any decisions. With that said, I have slept (literally just sleeping) in a room with my previous boyfriends. However, the big catch is that parents were always around. Will her boyfriend's parents be present? Will they sleep in the same room? I asked my parents to let me sleep at my high school's boyfriend's house because we were coming back late from his prom. Both of our parents discussed it and sleeping arrangements were made for me in a separate part of their home. It worked out fine. Either way, it is YOUR decision so long as your daughter remains a dependent. I would just consider compromising by having both sets of parents on board and ensuring they sleep in separate rooms. I hope this helps and feel free to PM me.

The OP said they wouldn’t be sleeping in the same room.

 

[Melissa Perez]

Hi OP! I'm 28 and about to be married in a month (woo). I've lived with my fiance now for 3 years in our apartment in the city and when we visit my parents out in the suburbs.... we sleep in separate bedrooms. I don't think we mind the break (a whole bed to myself... yes please) but when I've asked my almost husband what he thinks he says "it's your father's house and his rules are his rules".

 

[Arielfan98]

The OP said they wouldn’t be sleeping in the same room.

My response still stands either way.

 

[NYCgrrl]

Hi OP! I'm 28 and about to be married in a month (woo). I've lived with my fiance now for 3 years in our apartment in the city and when we visit my parents out in the suburbs.... we sleep in separate bedrooms. I don't think we mind the break (a whole bed to myself... yes please) but when I've asked my almost husband what he thinks he says "it's your father's house and his rules are his rules".

Exactly. It's about respect for your surroundings, yourself, and other people.

 

[KenHutch]

I would say no but when my daughter got serious with a boy I took a slightly different approach. Gwen has had the same boyfriend for 3 years of high school. When it was apparent that they were serious I hung up pictures of me on the wall in particular the ones of me graduating sniper school. Just seemed fair to let the boy now.

 

[NYCgrrl]

^^^^^
Bwahahahaha!

 

[PollyannaMom]

So my question is ..... at 18yo would you allow your daughter or son spend the night at their significant others house?

So what if they are 20 or 22 living at home when they come home from college? Just trying to figure out what age and when do we have no say.

Once she hits 18, I don't think you have a say on whether she goes there, but if she's living with you (at whatever age) you do have a say on whether she can have him over at your house.

Honestly, though, if this is about sex, it doesn't have to happen at night. If they're going to take that step, they're likely going to find a way independent of this scenario.

I did forget to add that they would not be sleeping in the same bed/room and parents are home also.

Then it's really about whether you trust the other parents to set things up appropriately.

My parents let my boyfriend stay the night every once in a while while I was in high school. My bedroom was downstairs in the basement and he stayed in the guest room upstairs.

And did you try to put one over on your parents? I think I would give my kid the same trust I had as a kid - as long as I deserved it.

(And I agree that the fact that she's asking at all is a good sign!)

 

[kreckl]

Do you know the boy, and his family, well? Did they just meet or have they been going out for awhile?
I would say if you trust your daughter to make good decisions ( like asking to do this), and you are confident that he/his family are safe, then yes.

 

[brockash]

Scenario:

dd is 17yo and lives with my mom for the school district and is in high school (technically although is not going to HS she is going to college under the dual enrollment program).

she just called me and asked me if she could spend the night at her boyfriends house tonight because they are going to be out late.

DH says absolutely not. I don't disagree. Our debate is when she turns 18 I believe that we don't have control over whether or not she spends the night at his house. DH says that at 18 we can still tell her no.

So my question is ..... at 18yo would you allow your daughter or son spend the night at their significant others house?

I have a 16 year old son now and thankfully it hasn't come up. I'm not sure what I'd do. I'll say when I was 17 and 18 I spent weekends at my boyfriend's apartment who was 2 years older. The first cpl. times I lied to my mom about it, but then I told her and it was like almost every weekend after that. She didnt like it but knew there wasn't really anything she could do without making the situation way worse. Had she said no, honestly I probably would have anyways and just lied about it. - This is coming from someone who was not a 'bad" kid, never did drugs, never had issues at school, didnt get pregnant in high school etc. and have now been married to that boyfriend for the last almost 18 years, but at that age I just think it's really hard to deal with the balance of that power/control.

Looking back, I know it wasn't the responsible thing for my mom to allow or me to do (all worked out fine but just hindsight), but honestly I dont think there was anything she really could've done to prevent it. ...without having a pretty negative impact on my life etc.

 

[siestakeys04]

I would still say no. My ds is 18 and goes to see his girlfriend almost every day when I get home from work because he doesn't have a car. He has a curfew to leave her house by 12. Her mom allows them to sit in her room with the door open but I would still say no he is still living at home. If he was away at college I would not know who would be spending the night in his dorm. While at home you can still say no.

 

[MudQueen22]

When my husband and I were engaged in our 30s, we went on a vacation with his parents. I stayed in the room with his mother, and he shared a room with his dad. lol

We both have very conservative families of origin, and his are more than mine. I often tease him that his parents make my Pentecostal parents look rather "Woodstock".

 

[mi*vida*loca]

I have an 18 year old son that just graduated. He still gives me a heads up when he goes to the courts to play basketball or goes to the movies with friends. He's very courteous in that matter. I can honestly say I usually always know where he is.

If he had a gf and he wanted to stay at her house at this stage I would let him. But she couldn't stay in my home. I would not allow him to sleep at a gf's home while in high school but at 18, already graduated but still living at home I could "technically" use my mom card and say no but I don't think that's wise at this point. I don't want to be a dictator.

I never allowed sleepovers (except at family houses) while my kids were growing up. DD12 has still never slept at a friends house but I allow sleepovers at my home. My son never stayed at a friends house until he was 17.

The other day my son asked me something and I gave my answer. DD12 says "well technically he's 18 and can do what he wants." I told her "technically he's 18 and not my responsibility anymore so if he doesn't want to listen to me I can technically make him leave and I wouldn't be charged with a crime." LOL It was all in fun but the honest truth.

My son has told me numerous times that he likes his "arrangement" and wants to live here for a while. He says he likes not paying bills and having a home cooked meal every night. Smart kid. His plan is to move out at 23 which is a year after graduation.