Nanny / Caregiver Issue

[mommysaurus]

And to add - I know I'll be judged for the baby nurse, but she saved my life.

I had horrible PPD. I was terrified to be alone with the baby. Terrified.

The only way I could get through the day was to know at 7pm Mary Poppins was going to ring my doorbell, give me a hug and help me care for the most important thing in my world.

I would count down the minutes - it was like having a mix of a mom and security blanket here at night. Instead of staying up and staring at DD all night to make sure she was breathing, I could close my eyes and rest for a couple hours.

She helped me get organized, confidant and well. We did the bath together every night so I could learn. She showed me how to more effectively breastfeed (I breastfed for a month). I had been afraid I was going to drop her in the middle of the night because I kept nodding off during feedings and felt so much better knowing there was an experienced set of eyes and hands there to help.

She was worth every penny.

I am a better mom now because I had that help and guidance.

Being a mom is hard. No doubt about it. When you learn to be confident with your baby and trust your instincts it will be so much easier. Its been said a lot of times here, but if you don't feel your nanny is the right fit, get another...but realize it will never be a perfect fit. You need to figure out what is most and what you can let slide and go from there. It will get easier.

 

[morgan98]

I am glad she was able to help you, and make you a better mom...BUT once again that is NOT the norm and most people can not afford this type of service.

I agree that this is not the norm. In my experience, it is not even normal among people who can afford it. I know MANY households with incomes greater than $350k/year that still do not have baby nurses, etc. The men come to work looking like heck in the morning and everyone admits how hard the first several months are. This must be more of a NYC or cultural social-circle thing.

OP, I am glad that the baby nurse was able to help. However, I don't think that outside of your "circle" many have any experience with many of these issues.

 

[Miskey]

My DH drives for a living as well so I understand that part, I took on all the overnight duties until the weekend and then he did it. I still have never heard of ANYONE hiring a baby nurse unless the mom was incredibly ill after birth.

She has stated that she was

 

[sookie]

In the midwest, very cheap cost of living, I paid a daycare something close to $900 a month for a school aged child!!! Is this for real? Of course you need to expect to pay more for a nanny for an infant!

 

[NewRVLady]

I agree that this is not the norm.

In my experience, it is not even normal among people who can afford it. I know MANY households with incomes greater than $350k/year that still do not have baby nurses, etc. The men come to work looking like heck in the morning and everyone admits how hard the first several months are. This must be more of a NYC or cultural social-circle thing.

OP, I am glad that the baby nurse was able to help. However, I don't think that outside of your "circle" many have any experience with many of these issues.

Its the norm in Britain....we have Downton Abbey to thank for that-to see how another circle of society works
I think it unfair to be so judgmental about the nurse

 

[Jennunc]

I agree with everyone else that you should find a new nanny. The reasons don't matter expect that you are uncomfortable. A mom-baby relationship is a new thing for your DH to get used to. I hope he is supportive of the change. Loyalty shouldn't play in so much at this short amount of time.

Just to weigh in on the baby nurse- I know families in NYC & Boston that have them. I've heard them referred to as a night nurse. The Boston families also have live-ins (a nanny who lives in the home). All this while mom has 8months maternity leave AND dad gets 6months. I don't think it's the norm or anything and definitely not where I live, but amongst our very fortunate friends, it's very common. I'm sorry people are judging you for it. You had one, they helped- good for you! No explanation needed.

 

[RainbowBrite]

When I hired the nanny, we discussed the hours. 8:30 - 7pm is a normal workday. The other nannies I've interview all stated those were their typical working hours.

Maybe in New York, but those are generally seen as long hours in the nanny world. 8-5 is more the norm. No nanny I know works until 7.

 

[frndshpcptn]

I agree that this is not the norm. In my experience, it is not even normal among people who can afford it. I know MANY households with incomes greater than $350k/year that still do not have baby nurses, etc. The men come to work looking like heck in the morning and everyone admits how hard the first several months are. This must be more of a NYC or cultural social-circle thing.

OP, I am glad that the baby nurse was able to help. However, I don't think that outside of your "circle" many have any experience with many of these issues.

Full disclosure - we make way less than that!!

 

[frndshpcptn]

I agree with everyone else that you should find a new nanny. The reasons don't matter expect that you are uncomfortable. A mom-baby relationship is a new thing for your DH to get used to. I hope he is supportive of the change. Loyalty shouldn't play in so much at this short amount of time.

Just to weigh in on the baby nurse- I know families in NYC & Boston that have them. I've heard them referred to as a night nurse. The Boston families also have live-ins (a nanny who lives in the home). All this while mom has 8months maternity leave AND dad gets 6months. I don't think it's the norm or anything and definitely not where I live, but amongst our very fortunate friends, it's very common. I'm sorry people are judging you for it. You had one, they helped- good for you! No explanation needed.

Thank you

 

[frndshpcptn]

Maybe in New York, but those are generally seen as long hours in the nanny world. 8-5 is more the norm. No nanny I know works until 7.

But I work until at least 6pm (and pre-baby I routinely was at the office til 7:30). If the nanny left at 5, I'd have to leave work at 4?

 

[Jennunc]

But I work until at least 6pm (and pre-baby I routinely was at the office til 7:30). If the nanny left at 5, I'd have to leave work at 4?

It doesn't matter. You discussed the hours with your nanny & they agreed. Everyone's situation is different- it doesn't matter where you live. You work til 6 & need someone there til 7. The nanny agreed to the hours.

 

[littleblackegg]

You can't unring a bell.

You made a statement that was pretty offensive to a lot of people. You are now trying to back track on it, but you said you have the right to expect more and do less because you live in NYC, and your life is more expensive, so your time is more valuable.

The OP was warned by several people, including me, not to get involved in the "mommy wars" and you threw the opening salvo.

Really? Don't we all say things that, upon reflection, could have been said more gently or eloquently? The differences in cultures between a huge metropolis and a smaller city are obvious to many of us, and it can be difficult to describe them. This poster has already apologized to anyone who was offended.

 

[NewRVLady]

Maybe in New York, but those are generally seen as long hours in the nanny world. 8-5 is more the norm. No nanny I know works until 7.

Just because something is "the norm" -there ARE exceptions

My brother had his first child "W" late in life (it was his wife's 5th)..she always had childcare as a divorced Mom of 4 with 2 biznesses
They had a nanny for W...mostly 8-6pm ( she was 40ish married-no kids)
when he got older-like 2, the 4 oldest went to their Dad's on Wednesday night....so Nanny took "W" home to her house to "his room " at her house-so Mom and dad had one night "child free"

My sis & I thought it was the WEIRDEST thing ever...and she became MUCH closer to him than was normal-IMO. It was VERY hard when they no longer needed her-like he was 7....she didn't want to "let go"...she was ALWAYS invited to his Birthday parties for years

 

[littleblackegg]

she did all the above.

From a RN's perspective, it is totally appropriate to have a nurse providing care postpartum for a parent with postpartum depression, especially at night.

 

[roseaster]

Really? Don't we all say things that, upon reflection, could have been said more gently or eloquently? The differences in cultures between a huge metropolis and a smaller city are obvious to many of us, and it can be difficult to describe them. This poster has already apologized to anyone who was offended.

Yes, really. What she said and what she backtracked and said she meant were two different things.

I don't believe she "worded things badly" I think she initially said what she meant and then when she was confronted about it she changed her tune.

Parenting is a touchy situation. To even suggest that one mother's time was more valuable than another's is offensive, and from what I'm reading, not only to me.

 

[littleblackegg]

And to add - I know I'll be judged for the baby nurse, but she saved my life.

I had horrible PPD. I was terrified to be alone with the baby. Terrified.

The only way I could get through the day was to know at 7pm Mary Poppins was going to ring my doorbell, give me a hug and help me care for the most important thing in my world.

I would count down the minutes - it was like having a mix of a mom and security blanket here at night. Instead of staying up and staring at DD all night to make sure she was breathing, I could close my eyes and rest for a couple hours.

She helped me get organized, confidant and well. We did the bath together every night so I could learn. She showed me how to more effectively breastfeed (I breastfed for a month). I had been afraid I was going to drop her in the middle of the night because I kept nodding off during feedings and felt so much better knowing there was an experienced set of eyes and hands there to help.

She was worth every penny.

I am a better mom now because I had that help and guidance.

It was an excellent plan for you to have the nurse help care for your new baby (and you). There is nothing shameful about having a serious medical condition and needing help.

 

[littleblackegg]

Yes, really. What she said and what she backtracked and said she meant were two different things.

I don't believe she "worded things badly" I think she initially said what she meant and then when she was confronted about it she changed her tune.

Parenting is a touchy situation. To even suggest that one mother's time was more valuable than another's is offensive, and from what I'm reading, not only to me.

I think it's always best to give someone the benefit of the doubt. We all say things that come out more rude and offensive than we intended. So, if she changed her mind and apologized, isn't that the goal? Do you really think she meant to upset people? I think it's one of those "do unto others" situations.

 

[roseaster]

I think it's always best to give someone the benefit of the doubt. We all say things that come out more rude and offensive than we intended. So, if she changed her mind and apologized, isn't that the goal? Do you really think she meant to upset people? I think it's one of those "do unto others" situations.

I don't need a morality lecture. I have my opinion, you have yours. I thought what she said was offensive. I don't think she meant to offend, but I think she meant exactly what she said. I don't believe the back track explanation, provided by someone else, at all.

I am entitled to my opinion, as you are to yours.

 

[morgan98]

I think it's always best to give someone the benefit of the doubt. We all say things that come out more rude and offensive than we intended. So, if she changed her mind and apologized, isn't that the goal? Do you really think she meant to upset people? I think it's one of those "do unto others" situations.

I can't speak for others, but I do not think people have a problem with the OP having the baby nurse while she was suffering from PPD. Numerous posts had been made about both baby nurses and nannies in her social circle, etc. that is where people took offense or were trying to tell her that while her issues with her help are normal in her circles, they are not normal is a good part of other's circles.

 

[ronandannette]

Full disclosure - we make way less than that!!

But I work until at least 6pm (and pre-baby I routinely was at the office til 7:30). If the nanny left at 5, I'd have to leave work at 4?

I can't be the only person on this thread that's been wondering about this, and between the baby nurse, nanny and car services, wondering how much of your income must have to go directly towards these expenses. As Moms** each of us reaches a point where we have to make decisions balancing the value of our salary (minus expenses for childcare and domestic help) against the overall well-being of our family and ourselves. Many find the math makes the decisions for them.

ETA: **and increasingly more often, Dads.