My DD was invited to a Slumber Party and.....

[Fridye]

I don't know the parents. My DD9 was invited by a classmate that she is friends with. I hardly know the girl. She says the invitees are one girl in their class and the others she doesn't know. My husband met the mom at a town event but only talked for ~3 minutes. He had no certain impression.

I'm uncomfortable with her staying overnight with people I don't know but my DD really wants to go. In the past I've always known the parents and the girls invited. I don't even know how many girls will come or who they are. I'd prefer she only stayed until late that night and not stay over. I'm afraid my DD would cause a scene if I tried this.

What do I do?

 

[The Mystery Machine]

How many slumber parties has she been to?

 

[My sister's princess]

Could you invite the family over for dinner before the slumber party, get to know the family?

 

[OceanAnnie]

Big Edit: It seems your DD is friends with the girl. I misread. Sorry. How many friends of your DD will be there? If it were me I would say no. There will be other sleepovers with parents you do know.

I'd do something special with her. I would be very uneasy. Is your DD friends with just the one girl?

 

[Fridye]

She's been to 2 slumber parties with girls she knew and parents I knew. The party is tommorow night and I haven't RSVP'd yet. DD says she's very good friends with the girl who invited her. I've met the girl at school and she seems nice. She's also in the running club with my daughter. I have no idea what the parents are like. I don't know how many other girls were invited or who they are (except for one in her class and I don't really know her.)

 

[Breezy_Carol]

I was in a situation when DD was in kindergarten that she was invited to a party of a little boy I didn't know. (Not a sleepover.) I asked the teacher about the family. She knew them from this child and an older child and said it would be fine. Made me feel better. And we still see this boy and talk to him 18 years later.

I would let her go. Go in with her when you drop her off and talk to the parents. Leave DD a cell phone to call you anytime if she needs to. Or if you get bad vibes, tell her you'll be back at midnight to pick her up with some excuse about having to be somewhere early the next morning.

 

[allison443]

I'd prefer she only stayed until late that night and not stay over. I'm afraid my DD would cause a scene if I tried this.

What do I do?

I think your solution is a good one, maybe you can call to rsvp and talk to the mom then, and when you drop off your dd you can also check things out.
And if my dd "caused a scene" when I suggested this, she wouldn't be going to the party at all.

(My dds have had quite a few parties where they couldn't stay overnight for the sleepover due to early morning commitments the next day. Their choice was go without staying over, or don't go at all. Guess what, they always went to the party!)

 

[Tantor]

I was in a situation when DD was in kindergarten that she was invited to a party of a little boy I didn't know. (Not a sleepover.) I asked the teacher about the family. She knew them from this child and an older child and said it would be fine. Made me feel better. And we still see this boy and talk to him 18 years later.

I would let her go. Go in with her when you drop her off and talk to the parents. Leave DD a cell phone to call you anytime if she needs to. Or if you get bad vibes, tell her you'll be back at midnight to pick her up with some excuse about having to be somewhere early the next morning.

I would talk to the teacher, this is a great idea and maybe phone and talk to the parent of the child also

 

[OceanAnnie]

She's been to 2 slumber parties with girls she knew and parents I knew. The party is tommorow night and I haven't RSVP'd yet. DD says she's very good friends with the girl who invited her. I've met the girl at school and she seems nice. She's also in the running club with my daughter. I have no idea what the parents are like. I don't know how many other girls were invited or who they are (except for one in her class and I don't really know her.)

That's a hard call. My coffee hasn't kicked in yet, so forgive me in advance. How many kids will your DD actually know? If she only knows the one child (invitee) well, I would imagine she might be uncomfortable. That's not something you can foresee at 9. Not knowing the parents is also a toughie. You don't have time to get to know them. I'm sure they are probably very nice. But there are a number of unknowns, to me in my non-caffeinated state.

 

[golfgal]

So call the mom, ask if you can meet her, offer to bring coffee over later today and see what you think.

If everything seems ok then send your DD with a cell phone and a code-we always told our kids that if they were somewhere and didn't feel comfortable to call us and tell us they didn't feel good and we would come get them. That way if someone overheard them it was an easy out if they wanted to come home.

 

[Fridye]

I asked my daughter this morning if she knew any more about the sleepover. She said just her and another classmate were invited. I thought there would be more. Uneasy feeling.... How do I handle this without offending the family, disappointing the invitee friend and upsetting my daughter?

 

[OceanAnnie]

I asked my daughter this morning if she knew any more about the sleepover. She said just her and another classmate were invited. I thought there would be more. Uneasy feeling.... How do I handle this without offending the family, disappointing the invitee friend and upsetting my daughter?

I liked Breezy_Carol's suggestion. Let your DD go for the party but not stay for the sleepover. The commitment in the morning excuse is a good one. Tell your DD in advance, give her the choice of going to the party or not going at all. She might not like it, but it's a good compromise.

ETA: I would have plans for the morning. Treat your DD for breakfast, something. And I wouldn't talk much around your DD about not knowing anyone or the parents. Sometimes children like to vent to their friends and you don't want it getting back to the parents.

 

[Fridye]

Is there some way I could just have my DD stay until, say 11pm and then pick her up? I'm afraid my daughter will cause a scene when I get there. What can I come up with so she is willing to leave?

 

[DVC~OKW~96]

You simply say no. You don't know enough information to make a good and safe decision and since that's your job; to make good and safe decisions regarding your family, you have to say no this time.

Your daughter may choose not to like it, or not to "understand" but as her Mother you've dealt with that before (and will, time and time again).

Take care now and good luck to you.

 

[amid chaos]

I would let her go for a few hours then pick her up...no sleepover.

 

[Fridye]

What great excuse can I use so she doesn't go at all?

 

[OceanAnnie]

What great excuse can I use so she doesn't go at all?

You had plans to take her to a movie that night. Girls night. You wanted it to be a surprise.
Make it one she really wants to see.

 

[Fridye]

Thanks for the advice and the suggestions. I really needed them!

 

[OceanAnnie]

Hope it helps!

 

[kristilew]

Does your daughter regularly manipulate you by "causing scenes?" This is something you need to get a handle on before all the real drama starts in middle school. You are the mama, she is the child. You get to make the rules in whatever way you see fit.

Making excuses that aren't true for why she can't do something is teaching your kid it is ok to lie to avoid scenes. Guess how this lesson will play out in a few years? "In order to avoid a scene with mom over the party I'm not supposed to go to, I will lie and tell her I'm somewhere else."

I'm stricter than most parents in DD12's group. We have a standing rule that she may not stay over at slumber parties, and a lot of other rules that other moms and kids think are way too strict. I tell her just to explain to her friends that her mom is insanely overprotective and that there's nothing she can do about it. This is true, and buys her a lot of slack and sympathy. Plus, whenever someone suggests something that is a little out of line, everyone believes DD when she says "you know my mom will never let me do that, count me out."