My daughter's Relationship with her Boyfriend

[juligrl]

I'm with the end it now people. Or at least end the exclusivity of the relationship.

 

[Skywalker]

He probably figured it would be over after he said that and is probably wondering why she is still sticking around.

 

[moon]

He probably figured it would be over after he said that and is probably wondering why she is still sticking around.

I may be in the minority, but It'd just feel wrong for me to still consider a guy my boyfriend after he told me something like that.

 

[Buckalew11]

I'd let her decide (of course) but if I were her, I'd end it now.

I strung a guy on for quite awhile knowing I did not wantt o marry him. He asked a few times and was a super nice guy who I LOVED, truly, I did. I just did not want to marry him. I should have eneded it before I finally did--it is a regret I have for HIS sake, not mine. BTW, we're still friendly (dated 4 years so it was not a fling)

 

[MrsPete]

People get into relationships with different expectations. A student teacher I had years ago shocked me when she told me that she was living with a guy (as in a boyfriend/romantic attraction -- we're not talking roommate here), but she didn't really see it as a permanant situation. She was fine with that -- I certainly wouldn't have been! By living with him, she was keeping herself "off the market" for guys who could've been "the one". It was none of my business, of course, but I thought she had strange prioritities and values!

Getting back to the OP's question, I'd ask, "What does your daughter want from this relationship?"

If she wants someone to pal around with during college, a sure date for every Friday night, someone to take to semi-formal . . . stick with him.

On the other hand, if she's looking for someone to build a life with, it's time to say goodbye to this fellow. It might be a wake-up call that causes him to realize that she's worth keeping, or it might allow her the freedom to meet someone else special.

 

[Disney Doll]

(PS: I still do not believe how many people are assuming that a 21 year old adult is not old enough to considering their future...

And I do not believe how many people think a 21 year old should be looking at every relationship as a potential mate.

 

[Buckalew11]

And I do not believe how many people think a 21 year old should be looking at every relationship as a potential mate.

Interesting, I was always told not to date anyone who wasn't a potential mate.
Of course, that didn't mean you were marrying them--just meant if it was the type person you would not marry, don't date'em.

 

[Tuffcookie]

Okay, now that I'm older I look at things Alot differently than I did when I was younger.

It all depends what the OP's daughter wants from this relationship. If she just wants someone to go out with, no strings attached, there is nothing wrong with continuing the relationship.

The young gentleman has been honest and upfront with his intentions.

I do hope that if there is a intimate relationship that the OP's daughter is wise enough to take precautions.

TC

 

[bicker]

Not true but if it makes you happy to believe that then okay.

No, please try to convince me: Please present the objective evidence that there only one person for everyone. I truly believe you're wrong about that, and have seen no reason to even assume the alternative could practically be possible.

 

[GoldieSaysMeep]

And I do not believe how many people think a 21 year old should be looking at every relationship as a potential mate.

I know. I find that really strange.

 

[GoldieSaysMeep]

No, please try to convince me: Please present the objective evidence that there only one person for everyone. I truly believe you're wrong about that, and have seen no reason to even assume the alternative could practically be possible.

I'm with you on that one Bicker. It would sure be depressing if there was only one person for you and then that person got like, hit by a bus when they were a kid or something and you never met them...

Or what if you met them and then they got hit by a bus the day after you married them? Would you be alone for the rest of your life? Would you marry again but make it clear to your new spouse that they were your "second choice"?

That there is only one person for everyone just makes no logical sense.

 

[CraftyMouse]

Interesting, I was always told not to date anyone who wasn't a potential mate.
Of course, that didn't mean you were marrying them--just meant if it was the type person you would not marry, don't date'em.

That's they way I always went about things as well. Like you said, it didn't mean I was going to marry him, or was even looking at that option...just that he should be the type of person I would consider marrying. Of course as you get deeper into a relationship you learn more and more about someone so feelings can, and do, often change. It wasn't like I was setting myself up to find a husband, just someone who had the qualities that I valued.

 

[bicker]

...just that he should be the type of person I would consider marrying.

And to be clear, AFAWK, the OP's daughter's boyfriend didn't say, "You're not the type of person I would consider marrying."

 

[Disney Doll]

Interesting, I was always told not to date anyone who wasn't a potential mate.
Of course, that didn't mean you were marrying them--just meant if it was the type person you would not marry, don't date'em.

Short of something really obvious (like the homeless drunk lying in the gutter who asks you on a date as you walk by) how would you know whether someone was or wasn't a potential mate until you dated them?

I never really excluded anyone based on looks or social position, which can be the only 2 really obvious things that I can think of...and even social position is "iffy" as far as being obvious.

Truthfully, I dated some very nice guys who, on first glance, might not have been what one would have considered "mate" material. I enjoyed my time with them, learned new things, learned things about myself, was sometimes exposed to experiences I might not have had otherwise because they were different. I do not consider any of them a waste of time because they were not necessarily "potential mates".

On the flip side, I dated a few guys who most people would consider "dream mates" who turned out to be flaming...idiots (gotta keep it DIS-friendly). One fella in particular stands out...good-looking, good job, well-to-do family...every girl's dream right? Except for that "pesky" cocaine habit, which I found out about on date #3, so there wasn't a date #4. Amazingly enough, he was shocked that "that one little thing" bothered me so much because he was such a "catch".

To the OP, I still think I'd drop this guy down to the "non-exclusive" level, and look around a bit for other dates. But if he is a nice guy who company I enjoyed, I wouldn't drop him completely. Clearly I am in the minority, since the majority seems to think that a 21 year old should be choosing a life mate.

 

[Disney Doll]

No, please try to convince me: Please present the objective evidence that there only one person for everyone. I truly believe you're wrong about that, and have seen no reason to even assume the alternative could practically be possible.

I would agree with you bicker.

When someone is in a happy relationship, it is difficult to believe that there could be someone else you could love.

However, that being said, there are many widowed folks who do find happiness a 2nd time, after their first beloved spouse dies, so that says to me that there can be more than one person that you could love in your lifetime.

 

[lillygator]

kick him to the curb - yes, you can be friends and hang out maybe, but some guy ever told me I wasn't the type he was going to marry, he'd be gone.

 

[Camicar]

I would probably kick him to the curb so he can find another girl to visit for fun and booty calls. At the very least, we would no longer be dating exclusively and our relationship would become much less intense.

 

[CraftyMouse]

Short of something really obvious (like the homeless drunk lying in the gutter who asks you on a date as you walk by) how would you know whether someone was or wasn't a potential mate until you dated them?

I never really excluded anyone based on looks or social position, which can be the only 2 really obvious things that I can think of...and even social position is "iffy" as far as being obvious.

Truthfully, I dated some very nice guys who, on first glance, might not have been what one would have considered "mate" material. I enjoyed my time with them, learned new things, learned things about myself, was sometimes exposed to experiences I might not have had otherwise because they were different. I do not consider any of them a waste of time because they were not necessarily "potential mates".

On the flip side, I dated a few guys who most people would consider "dream mates" who turned out to be flaming...idiots (gotta keep it DIS-friendly). One fella in particular stands out...good-looking, good job, well-to-do family...every girl's dream right? Except for that "pesky" cocaine habit, which I found out about on date #3, so there wasn't a date #4. Amazingly enough, he was shocked that "that one little thing" bothered me so much because he was such a "catch".

To the OP, I still think I'd drop this guy down to the "non-exclusive" level, and look around a bit for other dates. But if he is a nice guy who company I enjoyed, I wouldn't drop him completely. Clearly I am in the minority, since the majority seems to think that a 21 year old should be choosing a life mate.

I guess that I look at the statement from a different perspective. For me it's about knowing what key qualities you want in a person and not accepting anything less. Physical appearance (within reason) and social standing mean nothing to me. For me it was always about personality and sense of humor and any guy I would even think of dating would have to have them. Those factors are also things that had to be there in a person I would even consider marrying. That leaves a fairly deep dating pool from which to choose. The guys I dated were all very different, yet they had those key elements. They were also respectful, kind and (for the more part) open-minded. All of these factors are things I would look for in someone I would want to spend my life with.

As for the OP's daughter's situation, I would end the relationship. The BF is clearly indicating that he doesn't see a future in the relationship. Ending it now will do one of two things...it will either cause him to see that he really can't live without her or it will allow her to start getting over him now while she has less time invested. In any event, she needs to listen to his words and decide what she is willing to accept. Personally, I just couldn't to be with someone who had an end-date to the relationship in mind. That's not because I was set on marrying him and spending my life with him, it's just that it shows that he isn't truly committed.

 

[EthansMom]

I'm weird, too, Tina. Then again, I grew up with a mother who told me, "You don't have to want to marry every man you date. Go, have dinner, have fun."

This young man seems like he has been very honest with the OP's dd and to me, that is a huge point in his favor. If she were my dd, I'd tell her "Stay friends, go out, enjoy his company--but don't start planning your wedding." Who knows what will happen over the next year? They're both very young and have plenty of time.

I haven't read all of the responses, but I'm going to agree with lovemygoofy and NMAmy.

Young women tend to be too concerned about looking for "the one" when they should be enjoying their youth.

If DD enjoys being with this guy and they have fun, then she should continue dating him, though I'd recommend keeping things "light and fun". The BF sounds like he's a person who's honest about his intentions, which says a lot, IMO.

If things are no longer fun with this guy, then she should move on. But you never know how the relationship will progress and where it will be in another 6 months, KWIM?