mother problems - advice needed HELP!

[harperwi]

Here's the deal. I will be going to WDW with my partner and his two boys, 7 & 10. The boys have never been before, and they've never been away from their mother for more than a few days at a time. We told her about a month ago that we were going to take them, and she said at the time that it was something she never got to do as a kid, and she was glad they would be able to experience it.

Now, however, things have changed somewhat.

Last night I arrived home to find the 7 year old on the verge of tears. He did not want to go to WDW any more, and this is the reason why:

His mother, over the past five days, had convinced him that if he went to Disney World, one or more of the following would happen:
* We would drive off the road and would all die
* He would get kidnapped by a stranger
* He would get kidnapped by his own FATHER
* He would be forced to ride things he was afraid of
* He would be left outside a ride he was afraid of, by himself, while the rest of us rode without him
* He would be sucked into the ocean and swept out to sea
* He would be attacked by sharks and would die

After calmly reassuring him that none of the above would happen, and after telling him that if he really doesn't want to go he doesn't have to (but that his brother would still go, because it wasn't fair to him to cancel outright), he decided he did want to go.

My partner talked to the boys' mother and calmed her (for now) on each of her own fears, knocking them down with the truth of the matter in each case (e.g. we'll use Baby Swap, so he won't ever be left alone, etc.)

So for now she's fine..... But we have 30 days to go.

They are going through a divorce that will not be final until much later this year. So technically he is married to her still, and has every right to take the boys to Florida by law, as long as he notifies her first.

I am wondering if any of you have gone through anything like this. If so, what did you do? What was the result?

Also, do any of you have any advice for me on how to get through the next 30 days and still pull off this trip for the boys? (their dad and I have been already, so this trip is really for them).

Thanks in advance!
Jon

 

[vicb]

Divorces can be highly charged emotionally and it might be possible that the boys mother is a bit jelous that they will be experiencing the magic without her (I know it would kill me to think of my kids going there without me).

It sounds like you have planned a wonderful trip with the boys' needs in mind. Just keep reassuring them that they won't have to do anything that makes them feel uncomfortable (I was surprised how unadventurous my son is at WDW, I think it can be overwhelming to some kids).

Definitely have your partner keep communicating with the mother and make sure she doesn't feel threatened by this trip (i.e. don't use it as a weapon against her with the boy's affections).

Good luck and keep us posted. I hope the trip turns out wonderfully!!

 

[jultomzach]

I have worked for 20 years counseling parents about these types of concerns. Can the mother and father sit together and address the children's concerns? While there are certainly "adult" issues that should not be addressed with children, some issues should be talked about with both parents present ( if parents have the capacity to do this) Read some books about blended/step families,especially loyalty to biological parents, attachment, and "splitting". Your role as a partner is to support their father but do not take on any of the "fathering" roles. So the "job" of taking care of this is with the biological parents. As you do not identify your gender, if you are a male, the mother may have some concerns about sexual identity development and homosexuality as this involves two boys. Sometimes these concerns surface as "safety" concerns instead of addressing the "real" concerns. BUT just to empasize this point, this belongs between the biological parents as well. SO good luck, what a great opportunity for the children. I hope that every thing works and you all have a memorable trip.

 

[motaei]

I have experienced something similar when I was newly married. DH got 2 weeks of vacation with his daughter a year, so we planned a nice trip to Seattle with family & then onto Victoria & Vancouver - & then a few days at home to have father-daughter time (I had to be back to work). Well DH's ex was all upset that he was taking the whole 2 weeks at once & that he should do it one week at a time. Then since the ex was going to be visiting family in Washington the very next week, she wanted us to drop DD off with grandma, instead of bring her back home with us for some down time (our original plan) so that the change in weather environments would not make her sick. (so this took the 2 weeks to 1.5) Then, since the ex's mom lived on one of the islands, she wanted us to drop her off on our way from Victoria to Vancouver (this would have succesfully made our 2 week vacation into 1). However, at this point my husband put his foot down. DD still had to miss one day of Vancouver & missed the father-daughter time at home, but we did have a wonderful time all the same. DD still remembers our vacation 14 years later, so even with the ex, it worked out OK. (we never tried 2 weeks again though)

Hopefully your partner & the mom can talk things out without any more panicing about sharks & kidnapping. I can only imagine the emotions involved with going through a divorce with children. I am sure that in the end, your vacation with the kids will be wonderful and great memories will be created.

 

[Lisa96]

This mother is just using her kids to express anger at her (ex)husband. Some of the things she has told this boy are just so ludicrious that it's obvious they aren't things she's truly afraid of, they're meant to make a small child very frightened. It's great that your partner relieved those "fears" but don't believe for a minute that she won't still try to spoil the trip by playing with the kids' heads. I agree with the other poster that she is using these concerns to cover up her real concerns, but she shouldn't be placing her own children at risk doing that.
Anyway, enough about the crazy lady...

I would suggest you and your partner should talk to his children about their fears with concrete examples of how things will be handled. Ex: "When we go on rides, if you decide you don't want to go on, one of us will stay with you." Or "If you got lost, you would find the nearest Cast Member and ask for help. They will find me immediately and I will come to you." Give them details about each aspect of the trip; as adults there's alot about traveling we take for granted that kids like to know. Just go over the airport procedure, rental car pickup, what a hotel is like, etc. All through this reiterate that they will be with you and not in danger.
I just took my 6 yo niece and her mother made her so nervous about being taken by strangers. We got her (DN, not mom!) a lanyard with her name, my cell #, our resort name, home address and mom's phone # on it which she wore each day. Even if she was too shy to talk she could just show the info to a Cast Member. We went over what CM's were, how they would shut the park so she couldn't get stolen, and how to recognize them (names over their hearts!) Once there we had a contest to point out CM's in each park, so I knew the kids would recognize a CM. By the end of the first day DN was comfortable that if we were separated she would know what to do and she stopped worrying.

I would then concentrate on the fun. Let them look through guidebooks and pick out what rides they'd like to try. Read through the descriptions - this can help them understand what to expect. I'd also play up many of the other things we all love: parades, fireworks, the pool, meeting Mickey. And plan a time each day that they can call their mom and make sure they know about it. I would just suggest that you make it during the day rather than at bedtime, because if they're both tired AND homesick then tears will probably occur! And you'll never get them settled in then (plus who wants to end a magical day in tears!)

Just be prepared and flexible - you want to make it magical for their first visit but that first time away from mom can be hard. Don't try to show them too much, let them set the pace for the first day or two. It does seem though, that you have their trust so I'm sure you and your partner can work it out. Have a wonderful time!

 

[eek40]

Jon,

I am in a similar situation as you are and I am not sure if I can help or not but here it goes.

I am taking my nephew to WDW and on a Disney Cruise after that. His Mother, my step-sister is showing mixed emotions about me taking him, she wants me to but then she wishes it was her. Things that I am doing to help are.
1. Keeping her as informed as possible to times / dates ect that he will be gone
2. Keeping a video journal/written journal of our trip so she can feel like she was right there with us
3. Lots of pictures
4. Asking what she wants us to bring back for her as gifts.
5. And reminding her how special this trip is for him, and since she wont be able to take him for a long time, that I am proud of her for letting him go with me.

btw..I am not sure if you are gay/straight/bi but I myself am a lesbian and sometimes people tend to think safety before they realize that it has no bearing on this trip whatsoever!
Over all the big thing is communicating. As far as the boys. Just reassure them that they dont have to do anything they dont want to do, and let them take the lead. I am doing the same with O'neill....this trip really isnt for me its for him. So if we dont do somethings then thats fine by me, just as long as he has a magical vacation and something he never forgets!
Aimee

 

[disneyvoice]

I am a stepmom and I have also dealt with similar issues. Their mom is probably feeling jealous that the kids will be doing something fun with their dad instead of her. She's trying to take the fun out of it for the kids so that dad won't score any "points." Not being a divorced mother myself I have never understood why any mother would want to puposely scare her children or rob them of a fun time, but I see this ALL time with the mother I deal with. She would rather ruin their fun then have to deal with the fact that her children are capable of enjoying themselves when they are away from her.

In my experince all will be forgotten as soon as you get to WDW and they will have a great time. Do you have the WDW Vacation Planning video? If so show it to the kids and get them involved in choosing the restaurants you will eat out and the rides you will get on. Get a Disney travel book and show them all the pictures. Help them look through the WDW web pages. This will help them focus on the fun that is ahead instead of everything that could happen.

I know that the mom I deal with had all the confidence in the world in my husband's ability to safely take care of their kids on a vaction until they divorced. Then he suddenly became incapable of even taking care of the kids for a weekend at our house.

I agree that your partner should sit down with his ex and the kids together to talk about their concerns. That way if she brings up some ridiculous he can address it right away before the kids get all worked up. We did this once with my DH's ex and it worked miracles. Whenever their mom would raise some concern my DH would turn the tables and ask his ex why she didn't have the same concerns when SHE had the kids, and what did she do to ensure that she didn't lose the kids when they were at a crowded event. Then he assured both the kids and his ex that those are the very same things that he ALWAYS does as well, and that it shouldn't be a concern strictly because mom won't be there.

 

[southernwingz]

I have a unique situation....

My ex husband and I have one of those rare amicable divorces. We still spend a lot of time with our son together. Whatever my feelings are about him now, at one time I did choose him as my husband and my child's father, and I believe that my child still deserves to enjoy his childhood and both of his parents. As parents, we also decided that anyone that would want to be with us, would have to accept that we are friends, we are his parents, and we will always do things with our child. I'm very lucky that I have a super man in my life that is accepting of all of this. My ex is getting married soon, and it has been hard on her, but I believe she is coming around. She also has a son from a previous relationship, but is not friendly with his father, and I guess it's hard to imagine that an ex-wife isn't an evil ogre. The 6 of us do a lot of things together....movies, dinners out, sporting events, and we invite them for dinner at our home occasionally too. While I'm glad to have my ex in my life still as a friend, more importantly, my son has his father.

This being said, our upcoming Christmas trip to DW will be with the 6 of us. It will be our first vacation together as a group, but I think it will go well.

On another note, as a mom, I would be very uncomfortable not having my son with me for two weeks at a time. I'm glad that his father lives in the same area as we do, and I'm glad that we don't have rigid visitation schedules. Instead of every other weekend for the whole weekend, my son stays with his father every weekend, for one night, plus he generally sees him several times during the week for short visits, AND they talk on the phone a couple times a week. Also, when my son is away from home, we always talk at 9 pm and say our prayers together.

In a perfect world, my son wouldn't have had to deal with his parents divorcing, but I think he's got a great situation as it is. He's adjusted well, and probably doesn't realize that most parents can't stand each other when they divorce.

Best of luck to all of us with 'broken' families, and let's stay focused on what's really important.....the children!

 

[Memaw2Wm]

Hmmmm ... what kind of relationship does your partner have with his ex? Is she just jealous or is she truly upset about being separated from the kids for more than a few days? What about the boys ... are they worried about being separated from their mom?

If the relationship between Mom and Dad is okay, I suggest that you have the boys called her every night or every other night before they go to bed ... annoying but should calm her fears and they'd probably enjoy sharing their day with Mom.

Also I would buy the Birnbaum Disney for Kids by Kids book so that the boys can see what "real" kids say about the attractions.

Have them each pick out a nice souvenier to bring back to Mom ... take photos and give to Mom in a inexpensive album ... mail a couple of postcards from the boys.

As a divorced mom (my kids are now 30 and 28) I understand a mom's concerns when her kids are out of sight ... however she's wrong to try and scare the kids out of wanting to go to Disney, but your vacation will go smoother if you allay as many of her concerns as you can.