Mother in Law.. Ugh!

[tigercat]

My in laws started our marriage off right. I got told that I was way too young to get married. My FIL got drunk at our wedding. When I was pregnant with our first so was upset, now we were stuck in the marriage. They ended up getting divorced and remarried. The fil thought it was fun to smoke his cigar right in my face. I couldn't breath and one time thought I should have been taken to the hospital. I spent an hour in our car in the middle of the winter. That was the last straw. My kids never knew them and I would not force them to go when my dh went. My mil I really tried to keep things up but there was so many nasty snide remarks made to me. The final straw was her treatment of my son. He had grown up by then but after saying right to his face (after he had spent his own money to go see her and help her move) that he was fat and lazy. When she last came to our house she started in on my about him. She has not come to our house since. I also do not answer the phone when she call. If my dh isn't home it goes to voice mail. I think she is quite happy just talking to my dh and not me. My dh will not stand up to her but will not make me have anything to do with her. The kids don't either.
tigercat

 

[horseshowmom]

I put up with it for more years than I should have from an in law who from the outside, looks like the perfect loving hostess, cooking big family dinners and wanting everyone to be together in her home. She constantly harped about "family" to the point it was nauseating.
I believe in her mind, "family" was her justification.

You'll get to a point where they will either change their ways, or you'll have

When you have a toxic person in your life, someone who no matter how nicely you have asked them to stop and they continue on with their nastiness, it's okay to step away. Family or not.

I have to agree with this. My MiL always tried to manipulate with velvet gloves, but it was manipulation nonetheless. Hers was also in the name of "family", and after all, she certainly knew best.

I could see this being the situation for some grandparents out there.

If you have a grandchild that behaves badly and is difficult to control, it may be just too much for some grandparents.

Not that they don't love the child, but that the child(ren) are too hard to take care of.

I also agree with this. I've seen some children that I wouldn't want to spend much time with. Parents have a responsitility to rear their children in such a way that they aren't miserable to be around.

That said, that's probably not the reason for most "favorite" situations. I remember one Christmas where my MiL gave all of the grandchilren money for Christmas. Two of the grandchildren (siblings) got exactly twice what the others got. Since they all opened the envelopes together, it was very obvious.

 

[Hrhpd]

I totally understand how you feel. My dh has a sister who has made a lot of mistakes in life and at 36 lives at home rent free with their parents and her three year old son (no dad). We, on the other hand, live four hours away with jobs and have an amazing four year old son. bc IL's not only live with her but watch her son for free while she works (but contributes nothing to household), everything is about him and not our son. We only get called when they need something, usually money. They never see our son without nephew around and never come and visit although we ask and have space for them. when we visit, we have to stay at a hotel bc they have no room bc of SIL and nephew.

One time our DS stayed with them overnight bc we were doing a fundraiser FOR FIL (transplant costs) which ran really late into the night. When we picked up DS the next day, we got complaints about how he wouldn't go to sleep. Well, sorry, he was in a new place over night without parents with him for first time ever, what do you expect? DS still talks about how grandma yelled at him and it's been almost a year. And no, DS is a really good kid - we always get compliments with how good he is when people watch him.

So after IL's said they couldn't possibly come visit us for easter bc nephew NEEDS them, dh, the brave man he is, sent an email (I didn't even know about it until after he did it) explaining nicely how he felt and asking that they spent more time with our son and to come to his hip hop recital on June 30. Their response? Cutting us off completely and telling them what an awful person I am. DH completely protected me and we haven't talked to them since. Sad thing is that DS hasn't even asked about them but always talk about my parents. And you know what? I know for a fact that not showing favoritism can happen bc my parents do it flawlessly. My parents and sister with two kids live 12 hours away from us in my hometown; and never once have I felt that they like them more than my son even though they even used to watch my sister's kids. In fact, my parents come up here at least four times a year to see my kids, we spend a week together at the beach and my son will not let us go to a beach unless my parents were there. just yesterday, we told DS we were going to the beach for the day and he got upset bc he said we couldn't go without them! So guess what - we went to a pool instead. And guess who is coming to my son's recital? yep, you guessed it, my parents 12 hours away.

Your child dictates where you spend the day? And you make excuses for your child's behavior when he is at the inlaws? As a previous poster suggested, perhaps one should look at home first rather than the Inlaws.

A child who gets upset to get their way is sometimes too much to handle for elderly parents. Easy enough to handle by parents who are used to the behavior, but sometimes harder for an older generation who have different behavior expectations.

I am amazed how many rotten Inlaws there are on this board. Guess I was lucky!

 

[Disneybuckeye]

She usually has Sunday dinner once a month. My oldest has her own schedule also so she usually does not attend. My 15 year old will come along. But if my dh is working, then it is just me and her.

No she does not hang out with her cousins. The one closest in age to her
(14) thinks she is too good for my dd. She is the one my MIL can't get enough of.

It is just awkward but I take my dd so she doesn't feel left out.. but once there she gets left out.

My children are 23, 22, and 20. They can count on their fingers the number of times my MIL has seen them and she lives twenty minutes away. She is now dying of cancer and I figure it is her loss that she did not wish to be part of their lives.

My parents live two hours to sixteen hours away (multiple homes). They are very involved in my kids lives. I consider my children to be blessed as they have grandparents who love them very much and are interested in them. Many children do not.

You are an adult. If you do not enjoy dinner at your MIL's do not go. If you do not like how she treats your child then do not take the child there. Do not make you DH get in the middle of this. He can go if he wants and let him explain why you are not there.

 

[kelis]

OP, there are some good comments here....
If you are beginning to feel that this is a toxic situation for your daughter and yourself, but your husband is not listening or stepping-up. Then, as is the case in many situations, this is not an inlaw issue, it is a marriage issue.

OP - I was/am the grandchild in this scenario. I am 33 years old and I still get upset by the unfair treatment received by my father's parents. It still happens, though I choose not to acknowledge it to them. There are 11 grandkids in total - me, my brother and 9 cousins from 3 of my dad's siblings. My grandparents are multi millionaires with loads of cash to burn. 9 of the grandkids have been on multiple vacations with them, 9 of the grandkids have had college educations paid for, among many other things. It's not about the money, it's about the blatant "I am going to do for them and rub it in your face and never do for you" treatment that they have always shown to me and my brother. 2 of the grandkids have been called "damaged", "worthless", you name it. They believe, and have always been very vocal about the fact that my brother and I are outsiders in their family because of the fact that my mother chose to leave my father. My brother passed away 4 years ago at the age of 27 and my grandmother's comment was "I didn't really know him so it doesn't really affect me." She CHOSE to not really know him (us). I haven't seen or spoken to her in years.

My own father (apple didn't fall far from the tree) calls my brother's kids, sends them birthday gifts, flies them out to see him and just generally makes an effort for them. I refuse to put my kids into the same hurtful position that my father put me and my brother into so I made the decision that, as far as my kids are concerned, their only grandfather is my husband's father. Period.

 

[RadioFanatic]

Your child dictates where you spend the day? And you make excuses for your child's behavior when he is at the inlaws? As a previous poster suggested, perhaps one should look at home first rather than the Inlaws.

A child who gets upset to get their way is sometimes too much to handle for elderly parents. Easy enough to handle by parents who are used to the behavior, but sometimes harder for an older generation who have different behavior expectations.

I am amazed how many rotten Inlaws there are on this board. Guess I was lucky!

Here we go, DIS posters overreacting. I was just trying to show what I thought was a sweet story about how much he loves my parents; and instead it has turned into me spoiling him. Thanks for giving me the laugh. My DS did not have a meltdown, freak out or anything else. He just was sad and said he wanted his grandparents to be there. He was not entitled, demanding or otherwise a PITA. We just decided, why not wait for our beach week and go to the pool instead? Like I said in my post, he is a good kid who gets complimented for being good.

 

[cm8]

OP, since your husband won't confront her on the issue, you should let her know that you will no longer allow your children to be treated like second class citizens. I am all for you handle yours and I'll handle mines, but somethings require a different approach and this seems to be one.

Since she hasn't changed in all the years you've known her, a Cut-off may be in order as a Time-out wouldn't change a thing. The old adage "You teach people how to treat you" comes to mind. She needs to know her behavior is not acceptable and you intend on changing things to benefit your daughters needs and not anyone else

Good luck

 

[kelis]

OP, since your husband won't confront her on the issue, you should let her know that you will no longer allow your children to be treated like second class citizens. I am all for you handle yours and I'll handle mines, but somethings require a different approach and this seems to be one.

Since she hasn't changed in all the years you've known her, a Cut-off may be in order as a Time-out wouldn't change a thing. The old adage "You teach people how to treat you" comes to mind. She needs to know her behavior is not acceptable and you intend on changing things to benefit your daughters needs and not anyone else

Good luck

Any chance you have spent time on DWIL on babycenter? This is classic.

 

[Hrhpd]

Here we go, DIS posters overreacting. I was just trying to show what I thought was a sweet story about how much he loves my parents; and instead it has turned into me spoiling him. Thanks for giving me the laugh. My DS did not have a meltdown, freak out or anything else. He just was sad and said he wanted his grandparents to be there. He was not entitled, demanding or otherwise a PITA. We just decided, why not wait for our beach week and go to the pool instead? Like I said in my post, he is a good kid who gets complimented for being good.

Well then I apologize for misreading. I am sitting in the hospital postop and they just turned off my morphine epidural. Makes me a cranky witch!

It does sound like your son adores his grandparents. Please accept my apologies.

 

[jen0610]

DD15 just had it out with her grandma this weekend on the favoritism. DD's 13th dance recital is this coming weekend. Ever since she started doing more than one class, she has asked her grandma (DH's mom) to come see her dance. She will be doing 6 dances - one of each style she takes, plus a large production group. Yet again, grandma made an excuess to not come.

She looked at her and told her that she is sick of the excuesses. In the last 10 years, she personally knows that grandma has attended and sat thru much longer events and in unair conditioned venues for the other GD's. As of today, you've sat through 3 high school graduations, 2 college graduations, 5 graduation parties, a couple dozen tennis games - in the high heat on unshaded bleachers, 5 years of multipule football games - one in a pouring down rain storm, 10 rodeos to watch a GD ride for all of about 1 minute (barrel racer), 8 years of volleyball games....would you like me to go on, because I can.

She told her grandma, if she can't bother to come, don't ask for any pictures of her in her costumes and don't ask to see the DVD. You want to see the dances and costumes, go to the recital. You have been told, it won't cost you a dime and you would be picked up and dropped off, so getting there isn't an issue.

Grandma had kinda hit a nerve with DD. She asked her grandma about coming as we were sitting eating a late dinner Saturday night, after having gone to the rodeo to watch the one GD perform. What DD and I didn't know until we got there, was that my niece wasn't actually performing, just the group that she coaches. But even though the GD wasn't performing, grandma sure had to be there to see the group perform the routine that she coached them to do. Just after she sat on hard bleachers for 3 hours, in an un a/c horse arena, saying no that she can't sit in a cushion chair, in an air condition auditorium for 2 hours, just kinda pushed DD to her limit.

DH wouldn't talk to his mom when she tried to call and boo-hoo on his shoulder. He told her the first time she called, that she really didn't want to talk to him right now, because she really wouldn't like to hear what he had to say. Needless to say, he's not happy with his mom right now.

 

[RadioFanatic]

Well then I apologize for misreading. I am sitting in the hospital postop and they just turned off my morphine epidural. Makes me a cranky witch!

It does sound like your son adores his grandparents. Please accept my apologies.

Thank you for your apology; and I hope you feel better soon!

 

[Nancyg56]

I totally understand how you feel. My dh has a sister who has made a lot of mistakes in life and at 36 lives at home rent free with their parents and her three year old son (no dad). We, on the other hand, live four hours away with jobs and have an amazing four year old son. bc IL's not only live with her but watch her son for free while she works (but contributes nothing to household), everything is about him and not our son. We only get called when they need something, usually money. They never see our son without nephew around and never come and visit although we ask and have space for them. when we visit, we have to stay at a hotel bc they have no room bc of SIL and nephew.

One time our DS stayed with them overnight bc we were doing a fundraiser FOR FIL (transplant costs) which ran really late into the night. When we picked up DS the next day, we got complaints about how he wouldn't go to sleep. Well, sorry, he was in a new place over night without parents with him for first time ever, what do you expect? DS still talks about how grandma yelled at him and it's been almost a year. And no, DS is a really good kid - we always get compliments with how good he is when people watch him.

So after IL's said they couldn't possibly come visit us for easter bc nephew NEEDS them, dh, the brave man he is, sent an email (I didn't even know about it until after he did it) explaining nicely how he felt and asking that they spent more time with our son and to come to his hip hop recital on June 30. Their response? Cutting us off completely and telling them what an awful person I am. DH completely protected me and we haven't talked to them since. Sad thing is that DS hasn't even asked about them but always talk about my parents. And you know what? I know for a fact that not showing favoritism can happen bc my parents do it flawlessly. My parents and sister with two kids live 12 hours away from us in my hometown; and never once have I felt that they like them more than my son even though they even used to watch my sister's kids. In fact, my parents come up here at least four times a year to see my kids, we spend a week together at the beach and my son will not let us go to a beach unless my parents were there. just yesterday, we told DS we were going to the beach for the day and he got upset bc he said we couldn't go without them! So guess what - we went to a pool instead. And guess who is coming to my son's recital? yep, you guessed it, my parents 12 hours away.

Good for your parents! My Mom did that too. She had 12 Grands and loved every one of them. She did talk to the rest of us about the ones she was not with so if you did not spend a lot of time with her it was easy to think she had favorites. Not the case, she just loved talking about the kids so whoever was with her got regaled about a game, recital or concert that she had attended.

My kids would have walked through fire for her. She had very little money but she had plenty of time so she went to everything she could and for each one, she was their biggest fan.


I don't understand your IL's. years from now one or the other will be whining that your children spend more time visiting your parents.

 

[JodiR]

Thanks everyone for your replies. It gives me comfort that I am not alone

DD15 is shy and would never say anything to MIL. When it is just us at her house, everything is fine. Add in the other grandkids and we don't exist.

FIL does not like confrontation. He is the one the other SIL calls when there is a problem. FIL will say something if he knows there is an issue. I don't think he knows yet. MIL definitely won't say anything to him.

The SIL that lives 3 hours away has it made.. she doesn't have to deal with the daily or weekly issues. There will never be a relationship problem there.