Mother in Law.. Ugh!

[JodiR]

My dh is the oldest of 3 boys. The middle one lives 3 hours away. The youngest (her favorite) lives a short distance away, as do we.

My 2 dd's are the oldest grandkids (20 and 15). The others range between 14and 6. My MIL favors her youngest son's kids and it is so noticeable.

She will attend every activity of theirs no matter the distance. While my dd was in high school she was in honor dance team and they performed once a year (2 hours away). She didn't attend once.

I called her out on a few things last week and she didn't want to hear much of it. She was silent and just said I do not agree or disagree. I had to stand up for my 15 year old.

She was part of the reason for the youngest son's divorce. She will talk behind your back to whoever will listen. I think she has the one daughter in law convinced not to like me.

My dd's were in the one son's wedding (flower girl and junior bridesmaid) and the other grandkids handed out programs. The one girl wore a white dress so she could look like she was part of the wedding party. When it came time for the family picture, MIL would not let my girls hold their bouquets because the other 2 didn't have any.

My dh will not say anything. I just don't know what to do anymore... I just want to stay away.

 

[smitch425]

My dh is the oldest of 3 boys. The middle one lives 3 hours away. The youngest (her favorite) lives a short distance away, as do we.

My 2 dd's are the oldest grandkids (20 and 15). The others range between 14and 6. My MIL favors her youngest son's kids and it is so noticeable.

She will attend every activity of theirs no matter the distance. While my dd was in high school she was in honor dance team and they performed once a year (2 hours away). She didn't attend once.

I called her out on a few things last week and she didn't want to hear much of it. She was silent and just said I do not agree or disagree. I had to stand up for my 15 year old.

She was part of the reason for the youngest son's divorce. She will talk behind your back to whoever will listen. I think she has the one daughter in law convinced not to like me.

My dd's were in the one son's wedding (flower girl and junior bridesmaid) and the other grandkids handed out programs. The one girl wore a white dress so she could look like she was part of the wedding party. When it came time for the family picture, MIL would not let my girls hold their bouquets because the other 2 didn't have any.

My dh will not say anything. I just don't know what to do anymore... I just want to stay away.

Sorry, but the bolded made me laugh--out loud. Sorry you have issues with your MIL. There are almost always issues like this in a large family. You have to learn to let it go. There will come a time when she won't be here anymore and you'll ask yourself why you wasted time arguing and resenting petty things. While they don't seem petty NOW, they WILL later.

 

[happygirl]

My dh is the oldest of 3 boys. The middle one lives 3 hours away. The youngest (her favorite) lives a short distance away, as do we.

My 2 dd's are the oldest grandkids (20 and 15). The others range between 14and 6. My MIL favors her youngest son's kids and it is so noticeable.

She will attend every activity of theirs no matter the distance. While my dd was in high school she was in honor dance team and they performed once a year (2 hours away). She didn't attend once.

I called her out on a few things last week and she didn't want to hear much of it. She was silent and just said I do not agree or disagree. I had to stand up for my 15 year old.

She was part of the reason for the youngest son's divorce. She will talk behind your back to whoever will listen. I think she has the one daughter in law convinced not to like me.

My dd's were in the one son's wedding (flower girl and junior bridesmaid) and the other grandkids handed out programs. The one girl wore a white dress so she could look like she was part of the wedding party. When it came time for the family picture, MIL would not let my girls hold their bouquets because the other 2 didn't have any.

My dh will not say anything. I just don't know what to do anymore... I just want to stay away.

My MIL Is the same way favs my BIL kilds over ours. MY hubby won;t say anything to her. So I don't either. This is your hubby hill to climb

 

[JessicaR]

I know what you're saying and feeling. Let it go.

 

[RNMOM]

My MIL passed away in 2000. We are the middle son's family. My MIL actually told me she was glad her husband had passed as he wouldn't have been able to stand my boys. They were toddlers at the time. I used to watch her buy her older grandkids all kinds of stuff and mail it. She never came over to our house (same city) unless it was unavoidable. One of my boys spent the night at her house. Once. Yes, in an emergency she would come and she did make attempts at being nice to them. Both of them told me many times they wished their grandmother liked them. I just tried to keep my mouth shut but I struggled.

My DH was the only one in town and did all her heavy work. Once she moved into the condo he had less to do and that helped. The worst was after her funeral when on of her close lady friends actually told me "you are not as bad as Peg said" to me. What is the reply to that?

Oh well. The best thing you can do is keep some distance. Encourage your husband to do what he feels he needs to for his mother and your kids to be involved with her. The most important thing is that when all is said and done, you did your best. The rest is up to her and believe me, the kids will remember that.

 

[Sgt Mickey]

My MIL passed away in 2000. We are the middle son's family. My MIL actually told me she was glad her husband had passed as he wouldn't have been able to stand my boys. They were toddlers at the time. I used to watch her buy her older grandkids all kinds of stuff and mail it. She never came over to our house (same city) unless it was unavoidable. One of my boys spent the night at her house. Once. Yes, in an emergency she would come and she did make attempts at being nice to them. Both of them told me many times they wished their grandmother liked them. I just tried to keep my mouth shut but I struggled.

My DH was the only one in town and did all her heavy work. Once she moved into the condo he had less to do and that helped. The worst was after her funeral when on of her close lady friends actually told me "you are not as bad as Peg said" to me. What is the reply to that?

Oh well. The best thing you can do is keep some distance. Encourage your husband to do what he feels he needs to for his mother and your kids to be involved with her. The most important thing is that when all is said and done, you did your best. The rest is up to her and believe me, the kids will remember that.

 

[JodiR]

I don't mind staying away but I am torn about 15 year old dd. Do I let her continue to go over or not. Maybe I should let her decide. I am torn on that.
She becomes invisible once the other grandkids arrive.

 

[minkydog]

I get your ugh-ness. In our family is *my* mother. We live about 8 hours away. DBRo lives about 17 hours away. One Dsis lives 40 min away and another lives 2 hours away. Although I know my mother loves my kids, she definitely favors the two who live the closest. Even when we visit(which is about 3-4 times/year) all she can talk about is those two kids. The older my kids get, the less she talks about them. Especially DS25--he's always been a handful, but she has been real negative toward him since he was in his admittedly unlovely teens. He has grown into a nice adult who cares deeply for his siblings. He writes music and short stories and has even won some story-telling contests.He lives in a house with his guy friends and he has a full-time job. Still, all she talks about is that he plays too much video games.

I realize that it is naturally easier to feel closer to those children who live nearby. But it makes me angry when she calls me or I call her and she goes on about what these kids do. Frankly, it makes me jealous. I have said something to mother about it, but she just says, "well, of course I'm closer to them." It makes me mad that my sister expects mother to hop do it when she needs free childcare...and mother starts hopping! We used to live nearby and she NEVER kept my kids.

Bleah. Rant over. Thanks for letting me get that off my chest. I can't let it get me down. It's her loss. The more she ignores my kids, the less they are inclined to go see her. You reap what you sow

 

[minkydog]

My MIL passed away in 2000. We are the middle son's family. My MIL actually told me she was glad her husband had passed as he wouldn't have been able to stand my boys. They were toddlers at the time. I used to watch her buy her older grandkids all kinds of stuff and mail it. She never came over to our house (same city) unless it was unavoidable. One of my boys spent the night at her house. Once. Yes, in an emergency she would come and she did make attempts at being nice to them. Both of them told me many times they wished their grandmother liked them. I just tried to keep my mouth shut but I struggled.

My DH was the only one in town and did all her heavy work. Once she moved into the condo he had less to do and that helped. The worst was after her funeral when on of her close lady friends actually told me "you are not as bad as Peg said" to me. What is the reply to that?

Oh well. The best thing you can do is keep some distance. Encourage your husband to do what he feels he needs to for his mother and your kids to be involved with her. The most important thing is that when all is said and done, you did your best. The rest is up to her and believe me, the kids will remember that.

Wow. I think you won the prize.

 

[maryliz]

... I feel for you. I loved my MIL but sadly she passed away when my oldest was only a year old. My DD was the only grandchild she ever got to hold in her arms, so when DD feels that her grandfather doesnt really care about her, I remind her of that. Love my FIL, but my issues are with HIM!

DH's youngest sibling (the only girl) was always "the Princess" ... 2 1/2 years ago, the Princess had a little Princess of her own ... believe me, my DD15 and DS12 both notice that fact that Grandpa is all about this little one and doesn't seem interested in them or their lives, as do my BIL's 2 boys. All I can do is tell them that he does love them ... I had to stop fighting with DH about it because he refused to tell his Dad how he makes our kids feel. When DD graduated public school last year, she was valedictorian, and received 4 major awards ... FIL refused to come. 2 months later, DH kind of forced him to look at DD's awards and speech ... I handed FIL a stack of pics from the night, had removed the many silly shots she had taken with her friends because I knew he wouldn't want to see all those, so only pics from the ceremony and the family, and I got "I don't have time to look at all THESE ... I have to go to xxxx's house to babysit so they can go out to dinner."

Bottom line, I can't let the anger get to me anymore ... nothing is going to change, and he is the only grandpa my kids have left on this earth. It is what it is. When my kids finish a soccer game, they grab a phone and call my Mom to tell her about it ... it never occurs to them to call my FIL, and I just tell DH that it's karma. My kids are loved by both, but when the time comes, they will notice a bigger emptiness over the loss of the grandparent that cared and maintained constant contact with them over the years.

Continue to stress to your kids that they ARE loved by their grandparents, even though it seems lopsided at times.

 

[canopynut66]

whatever is done it is his Mother and HE has to handle it or you will get no where....

 

[Kitzka]

Some people don't know what they have. My dd is the oldest grandchild and was the only grandchild for 7 years. They were not there for us or her and may have cared but never showed it. They never could spent time with her without wondering how long before they could go and actually only saw her on holidays but demanded that we spend all our holidays with them.

When my niece was born they both retired and bought a 2nd home 20 mins from her. This would be 20 mins from my dd. they never see dd unless my niece (a second new and a nephew) has no plans and it's clear that they are her favorites. The last straw for me was when my 10 yo was waiting for 3 hours to be picked up for ice cream. After 3 hours mil called. My 3 yo niece was napping and mil wanted to watch her sleep. She couldn't come to take dd for ice cream since niece was now awake but if we would keep dd home from school the next day she would try to come by, if my niece didn't need her.

I decided to distance myself and not let my child get hurt. We still see them but on our terms.

It helps that my mil does not like conflict.

L

 

[Southernmiss]

She will attend every activity of theirs no matter the distance. While my dd was in high school she was in honor dance team and they performed once a year (2 hours away). She didn't attend once.

I called her out on a few things last week and she didn't want to hear much of it. She was silent and just said I do not agree or disagree. I had to stand up for my 15 year old.

She was part of the reason for the youngest son's divorce. She will talk behind your back to whoever will listen. I think she has the one daughter in law convinced not to like me.

My dd's were in the one son's wedding (flower girl and junior bridesmaid) and the other grandkids handed out programs. The one girl wore a white dress so she could look like she was part of the wedding party. When it came time for the family picture, MIL would not let my girls hold their bouquets because the other 2 didn't have any.

My dh will not say anything. I just don't know what to do anymore... I just want to stay away. [/QUOTE]

My response is bolded.
These sorts of threads come up pretty often on the Dis. I guess I just don't see the need to "call people out" on what we don't like about their parenting/grandparenting.

My kids have 3 sets of grandparents. I don't think they are the favorites anywhere. DHs step mom and dad see more of his step sister's kids activities than our kids activities, but that doesn't bother me. When we visit they are cordial and kind to my kids and give them equal Xmas and BDay gifts and all the snacks they want to eat--just like the other grands.

When my kids were the 1st grand kids, they were my mom's favorites. Now my sister's kids are the babies and they are her favorites. My kids have even said so. She does try to come to as much of our kids activities as we invite her to, but frankly, I don't see the need for her to attend everything and don't notify her about every little thing.

DHs mom lives 8 hours away and seems to treat all grands and great grands as equal as she can.

I would never call any of them out on their grandparenting skills. They are who they are, as are we.

My kids know each set of grands loves them and is kind to them. If no one is abusing my kids, I don't see the need to say anything about unequal treatment. And if one of my husband's parents said something, it would be his responsibility to say something to his parents and my responsibility to say something to my mom.

And perhaps they all talk about me behind my back, but if it doesn't get back to me, I have other things to worry about. I can quietly visit for a couple of hours once in a while out of respect for my husband, my kids and the role the grands have in my kid's lives.

Life is too short!

 

[LORI522]

It hurts when we feel like our kids are being hurt.

 

[worm761]

My response is bolded.[/B]
These sorts of threads come up pretty often on the Dis. I guess I just don't see the need to "call people out" on what we don't like about their parenting/grandparenting.

You don't understand because your kids are being treated equally. My DH's mother hasn't acknowledged that we are married, only acknowledges my son (DH's step son) when he forces her to (which he does), and has made the statement that our DD must choose between loving her and loving the my side of the family and DH's father and step mother.

As for how she treats her other grandkids, I don't have to see it. We live in Florida and they live in New York. But if it was in my face at every holiday and family get together then I would say something. You don't get to mistreat my kids and have me be OK with it. Thankfully DH takes care of it. I took the stance of the wise wives of the Dis and let DH deal with her. MUCH less stressful.

 

[The Mystery Machine]

I don't mind staying away but I am torn about 15 year old dd. Do I let her continue to go over or not. Maybe I should let her decide. I am torn on that.
She becomes invisible once the other grandkids arrive.

Why are you going over there in the first place? You make it sound like you are there a lot.

Does your MIL expect you to attend everything at her home? Or are we talking "special occasions" like Christmas?

Is your dd hanging with her cousins?

My dd's are 21 and 15 and we do not expect them to go over there or even to my sister's which they enjoy all the time. Well the 21yodd has her own schedule.

Now if it is Christmas then we do expect them to attend then.

 

[luvmy3]

My dh is the oldest of 3 boys. The middle one lives 3 hours away. The youngest (her favorite) lives a short distance away, as do we.

My 2 dd's are the oldest grandkids (20 and 15). The others range between 14and 6. My MIL favors her youngest son's kids and it is so noticeable.

She will attend every activity of theirs no matter the distance. While my dd was in high school she was in honor dance team and they performed once a year (2 hours away). She didn't attend once.

I called her out on a few things last week and she didn't want to hear much of it. She was silent and just said I do not agree or disagree. I had to stand up for my 15 year old.

She was part of the reason for the youngest son's divorce. She will talk behind your back to whoever will listen. I think she has the one daughter in law convinced not to like me.

My dd's were in the one son's wedding (flower girl and junior bridesmaid) and the other grandkids handed out programs. The one girl wore a white dress so she could look like she was part of the wedding party. When it came time for the family picture, MIL would not let my girls hold their bouquets because the other 2 didn't have any.

My dh will not say anything. I just don't know what to do anymore... I just want to stay away.

Then stay away Your kids are old enough to make the decision to also stay away

 

[JodiR]

Why are you going over there in the first place? You make it sound like you are there a lot.

Does your MIL expect you to attend everything at her home? Or are we talking "special occasions" like Christmas?

Is your dd hanging with her cousins?

My dd's are 21 and 15 and we do not expect them to go over there or even to my sister's which they enjoy all the time. Well the 21yodd has her own schedule.

Now if it is Christmas then we do expect them to attend then.

She usually has Sunday dinner once a month. My oldest has her own schedule also so she usually does not attend. My 15 year old will come along. But if my dh is working, then it is just me and her.

No she does not hang out with her cousins. The one closest in age to her
(14) thinks she is too good for my dd. She is the one my MIL can't get enough of.

It is just awkward but I take my dd so she doesn't feel left out.. but once there she gets left out.

 

[Teresa Pitman]

I do not understand why grandparents behave this way. I have a good friend who is a grandfather and he openly talks about how he prefers his daughter's children (especially the oldest) over his son's kids. I've told him how wrong I think that is but he says it's just how he feels. Well, if that's how you feel, you need to work extra hard to make sure you don't act on those feelings.

TP

 

[luvmy3]

She usually has Sunday dinner once a month. My oldest has her own schedule also so she usually does not attend. My 15 year old will come along. But if my dh is working, then it is just me and her.

No she does not hang out with her cousins. The one closest in age to her
(14) thinks she is too good for my dd. She is the one my MIL can't get enough of.

It is just awkward but I take my dd so she doesn't feel left out.. but once there she gets left out.

I would come up with some other plans on that particular Sunday, even if I had to make them up