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[Frozen72]

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[aprilchem]

I feel for you. Do you think he can't, or won't do it? If he won't, then maybe you could motivate him somehow, maybe get him some therapy or tell him he'll have to go to a nursing home if he won't start trying. If he can't, then maybe I'd try to ask for the "manager" somehow? Either way, that's an awful problem to have

 

[BostonJP]

What a truly difficult situation to be in. I would be lying if I said I know anything at all about the situation you're in, but is there a family physician who can attest that he needs the help and should remain in the rehabilitation program?

 

[ronandannette]

Has his condition affected his cognitive abilities too? Why is he not advocating for himself and demanding that the rehab people and his own doctors recognize his limitations? Did he want to be released from rehab and perhaps over-state his abilities just so he could come home? Or perhaps, strictly physically speaking, he is capable of performing certain functions but fails due to pain, fatigue, frustration, etc.? Rehab is a long, hard process and often depends on the patient's own willingness to "gut it out" and force themselves past plateaus in their progress. You have my sympathy - I know how easy it is to panic when an acute condition begins to verge on becoming chronic and threatens to change your whole life. Perhaps talking to your insurer to get a clearer picture of the criteria of your coverage would be the place to start and then go from there.

 

[eliza61]

Couple questions? is this a recent development? if so your dh maybe suffering from depression. has he been seen by a mental health professional. He WILL need to do some things himself. Also as previous poster said if he is depressed it maybe the reason he is not advocating for himself.

Next contact your health insurance company, they may have resources and or benefits that you are eligible for to assist you with daily living

 

[Teresa Pitman]

Is there no community home care program where you live? Nurses, etc., who would come to your home and assist with the lifts, transfers, bathroom care, etc.?

 

[Frozen72]

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[Frozen72]

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[Frozen72]

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[3Gsandme]

I'm going to lay this out straight and please don't read harshness into my words. There's none intended.

1) Is he capable of caring for himself in the way the person at his therapy program said he was? Is he REFUSING to care or himself or is he INCAPABLE of caring or himself.

2) If he is incapable, I'd be on a three way call between the rehab program and the insurance company and lay it out. He cannot do any of the things they said he could do upon release. He cannot transfer. He cannot care for himself. He needs to be back in rehab so he CAN do those things upon his return. He didn't lie to the people at rehab. They know what he can do.

3) If he WILL NOT, you need to get serious with him. I don't know your family situation. I don't about your health or your job or your kids or anything. If he refuses to care for himself, his care will become a full time job for someone and, frankly, if I were you I wouldn't do it. I know this sounds harsh, but please hear me out. If your husband cannot help himself, that's a different thing entirely from someone who will not help himself and expect you to do it all. It's not fair or reasonable. If he WILL NOT care for himself, he has two choices; he must either enter a nursing home where they will care for him or you will call social services and tell them he will not care for himself and you will not.

IT's time for tough love, hon. I'm sorry.

 

[OceanAnnie]

It sounds like maybe he's so depressed he won't participate in his hygiene/daily living needs. Between that and the lack of mobility that's a very tough spot you are in! You got some great advice. I hope something comes through for you. I also hope you can get some time to regroup and refresh. It's so hard to be a full time care giver. Very stressful. Sorry for what you are going through.

 

[Mizzoufan]

Sounds like he put on a good show at the rehab center in order to come home. It sounds like you need to have a tough love talk with him.

It's never easy be a caregiver. Best of luck to both of you

 

[mom2rtk]

OP, I believe you've struggled with this for a long time. I'm so sorry. There are no magic words.

I'm curious how you see this progressing?

 

[cabanafrau]

From the "tone" of your comments and the description of the case manager's attitude I had guessed depression and other mental health obstacles. Since your DH has a diagnosis I assume he has professionals for that treatment as well. I suggest contacting them to advise them of the current situation and see if they can give some assistance to adjusting his mindset. It may well be that you have to set very defined boundaries with him of what you will and won't assist with, and stick to it.

 

[marlynnp]

If you are who comes to my mind, there's a long history of him 'not helping himself' -- I think he is capable and this is just another form of his manipulation.
I wish you would have gotten therapy for yourself and left him long ago....

 

[DawnM]

Is there possibly a home health care option?

For getting out of a chair, I would see if you can find a lift type chair/recliner. I even wonder if you could get insurance to pay for it, or get one from CL. I see them often on CL.

This must really be taking its toll on you and I am sorry.

 

[mnrose]

I really think this is "won't" vs a "can't" issue. It is unlikely that a rehab facility would blatantly lie about his abilities. This is very much like my father. He REFUSED to try to do things for himself, and guess what? If you won't even try, then your physical abilities deteriorate by the day, and pretty soon a "won't" turns into a "can't." It is very sad. And, perhaps caused by depression, which can be treated if the person is willing to try. My father wasn't. He clung stubbornly to his belief that there was some "reason" he "couldn't" do things for himself. There was not. He was tested in every conceivable manner, and there was NO physical reason he couldn't do things for himself. He simply chose not to.

As his wife, you need to decide whether you can live with his "won't." You can't make him want to try. You can either live with it, or not. I wish you strength as you deal with this.

 

[Wishing on a star]

I have seen a couple of cases where a person just simply won't, for reasons other than possible physical ability, cooperate and make the effort, etc.

OP, these facilities see this EVERY DAY.
As hard as it is, yes, they will forcibly release these patients. They really have no choice. A hospital or rehab center is not a long term care facility.
You should be aware that this is an option that is just not available and will no longer work for you.

If your spouse truly is a person who cannot even get off the couch, who will not or can not use assistive measures, such as a motorized chair, etc, in order to help with day to day needs, then I am thinking that this may be the situation.

We have all heard cases of those who refuse care, which is basically mandating that their loved one be solely responsible for them. Whether their loved one is capable or not, or this would be realistic at all. This does happen. It is an excruciating and sad and painful situation.

This actually almost became the case with my MIL. Her condition was deteriorating daily, and she did not want further and more invasive tests and treatments. All she would do is 'want to go home'. My husband had to sit down with the person at the hospital and tell them, very simply, "My mother lives in a more remote area, by herself, and this would just NOT work, even with a daily nurse visit." And, that he simply could not quit his job and leave his family and go down to her home to be any kind of a care provider.

It came down to DH finding an opening at a long term care facility. My MIL being told, point blank, she was being discharged in 24-48 hours, no question...

My heart goes out to you.
I do hope you are able to find some resolution and respite.

 

[slo]

My thoughts and prayers are with you - I understand the stress of being a caregiver.
My mom had to take care of my dad for several years before he went to a nursing home.
He couldn't take care of himself due to Alzheimers - so everything you mentioned she had to do too.

I don't know how old you are, but I would talk to an elder attorney to start moving your assets around to start preparing yourself financially for putting him in a nursing home. He needs to get on Medicaid quickly and you'll need advice on how to do that. My mom used an elder attorney for this and it's something I would and have recommended others to do.

Please keep us posted on how you are doing and please voice your frustrations with your situation to us and others - don't keep it inside. Remember YOU are important and YOU have to think of yourself too. Take care and God Bless!!!

 

[Wishing on a star]

Remember YOU are important and YOU have to think of yourself too. Take care and God Bless!!!

Amen... I am sending these sentiments as well.