Long Vent: Parents visiting, new baby

[okeydokey]

A new baby entering the family can be a stressful time, especially with all the changes in hormones, routines and schedules.

If parents are anxious, children can feel it. An anxious house can lead to anxious children. The best gift a parent can give an anxious child is to learn techniques and methods to relax and let go of the day to day drama. Honestly, the little things are not worthy of the stress.

I have to say that the most uptight parents I know have no idea that they are uptight and are making the stress at home worse. If you don't know how to dial down your own anxiety, please learn how. Counseling, yoga, meditation, mindfulness, whatever. Your entire household will thank you for it.

 

[Sabeking]

OP you said your dad caused a lot of anxiety for you growing up because of his yelling. So I'm kind of curious why you asked your parents to come help during a stressful time in and of itself? Did you expect him to act differently after all these years? My dad was very similar growing up and there is no way I would have opened that can of worms not matter how helpful my parents are. Of course I have never done well with company/help in my space too long. My DD's were 15 months apart. My in laws helped the first day and then I told my husband we can handle it from here. Company is nice but after 3 days they are like fish....they start stinking up the joint! I'm sure things will blow over with a little time. Good luck!

 

[Bamagirl43]

OP, being a grandparent means spoiling your grandchildren and lavishing them with love and affection. It does not entail disciplining except in matters of safety or in the case of daily caregiving. That dirty work is for parents and that is the beauty of being a grandparent. If your child's actions are angering your father, he should go home. Your two year old is acting out because her world is upside down. Your father has no excuse. Being old does not excuse it and just because he's always acted that way doesn't excuse it. He overstepped and needs to learn some self control. I have been in a similar situation and it caused some very hard feelings.

 

[mrsbicewdw]

It seems that many children who have anxiety have parents who coddle them. Let your child take some bumps and bruises. He or she will be ok. Let them fend for themselves a bit. Not come running to mummy because some one yelled at them.

Wow. Obviously you have secret cameras in my home or something. You got me. I wrap my child in bubble wrap and never let him out of the house. I'm so glad you opened my eyes. Thank God I came across you on the DIS, I guess I can ask for a refund from the specialists we see and evaluations we have had..

 

[Maggie Lizer]

I yell when my kids are doing something dangerous - trying to scale the kitchen cabinets, stretching on tippy toes to reach things on the counter, pulling the tablecloth out from under the dinner plates - because I am trying to get their attention fast.

My parents dealt with tantrums differently that I do. I try calming techniques (counting, breathing, sitting and closing his eyes), they yelled at me and send me to my room when I was a kid. They did that once to my older DS, but after my son left the room I calmly explained that next time it happened, they needed to do what I do, for consistency. They are respecting that.

As far as lavishing attention on the newborn - when my second was born, and everyone wanted to hold and cuddle the baby, I used it as an opportunity to have some fun one-on-one time with my older DS. It snowed 3 days after my second was born, and other DS and I got to go outside and make a snowman and have a snowball fight while Grammy and Gramps cuddled the baby. Might be something for OP to consider next time family visits - let them tend to the baby while you spend time having fun with your older child.

 

[NewRVLady]

OP, being a grandparent means spoiling your grandchildren and lavishing them with love and affection. It does not entail disciplining except in matters of safety or in the case of daily caregiving. That dirty work is for parents and that is the beauty of being a grandparent.

If your child's actions are angering your father, he should go home.

Your two year old is acting out because her world is upside down.


Your father has no excuse. Being old does not excuse it and just because he's always acted that way doesn't excuse it. He overstepped and needs to learn some self control. I have been in a similar situation and it caused some very hard feelings.

My 19 month old would not LOOK at, sit next to or have ANYTHING to do with his new baby Brother.....it will pass. But your parents insisting a tiny child should behave a certain way is ridiculous!!!

 

[minkydog]

OP, being a grandparent means spoiling your grandchildren and lavishing them with love and affection. It does not entail disciplining except in matters of safety or in the case of daily caregiving. That dirty work is for parents and that is the beauty of being a grandparent. If your child's actions are angering your father, he should go home. Your two year old is acting out because her world is upside down. Your father has no excuse. Being old does not excuse it and just because he's always acted that way doesn't excuse it. He overstepped and needs to learn some self control. I have been in a similar situation and it caused some very hard feelings.

I agree 100%! I do not put up with people mistreating my kids, and that goes double when they're babies! It matters not whether its a grandparent, aunt, teacher, or friend.
We do not yell, curse, ridicule, or call names. I will never understand people who think those are good ways to discipline a toddler.

 

[chiefmickeymouse]

My sister could have written your entire post, btw ARE you my sister?
As some people grow older they seem to forget the challenges of parenting, and think everything is a discipline issue. Patience also tends to ebb. This leads to lots of judgmental comments and hurt feelings. I think it was fine to tell your dad not to yell at your kid. My only advice is that if you decide to talk to your parents about their treatment of your daughter to wait a little while until everyone has had a chance to cool off and think about the situation.

 

[JanaDee]

A new baby entering the family can be a stressful time, especially with all the changes in hormones, routines and schedules.

If parents are anxious, children can feel it. An anxious house can lead to anxious children. The best gift a parent can give an anxious child is to learn techniques and methods to relax and let go of the day to day drama. Honestly, the little things are not worthy of the stress.

I have to say that the most uptight parents I know have no idea that they are uptight and are making the stress at home worse. If you don't know how to dial down your own anxiety, please learn how. Counseling, yoga, meditation, mindfulness, whatever. Your entire household will thank you for it.

Well said.

 

[Minnesota!]

OP - I don't think what transpired is all that awful. However, I very vividly recall after-pregnancy hormones/sleep deprivation/schedules-out-the-window/everything is new and crazy and I just need a frickin minute to myself to gather my thoughts. I probably would have been upset, too, at the time.

My suggestion?

Take a deep breath, thank your parents for all their help over the last week, hug and kiss them good bye.

Big sigh of relief as they leave. When life calms down a bit and you feel more secure footing "in life" again...call and tell them you want to wipe the slate clean, but, for consistency, they need to respect your parenting style when in your house.

High emotions + lack of sleep + new environment = big mess.

One of the reasons that, when when I hear people say they are having so and so come for a bit of time after the birth of a child I recommend against it. Parenting = me + husband + kid(s). Adding in other, albeit "well-meaning" adults does not usually bode well. Stepping on toes, adjusting parenting styles/boundaries.

I always say find your way as a family and be secure in it before you let someone come in and try and adjust it, .

Good luck, good sleep, and CONGRATS!!

 

[anna08]

One of the reasons that, when when I hear people say they are having so and so come for a bit of time after the birth of a child I recommend against it. Parenting = me + husband + kid(s). Adding in other, albeit "well-meaning" adults does not usually bode well. Stepping on toes, adjusting parenting styles/boundaries.

I always say find your way as a family and be secure in it before you let someone come in and try and adjust it, .

Good luck, good sleep, and CONGRATS!!

Yes, for the future, and anyone else having babies, I told all my patients - have family come and stay/help while you are in the hospital, but when you get discharged and go home, family must go home too, unless you are the only adult in the house.

If you are breastfeeding, you don't need to be hiding from your dad or FIL, especially if you are just learning. Your DH/partner should be helping. Too often they are let out of this job and they lose their opportunity to bond with their newborn or older sib.

Many many postpartum issues are related to family overstaying their "welcome."

Your daughter will be fine and they'll be playing/fighting like normal siblings for many years to come.

 

[NHdisneylover]

Yes, for the future, and anyone else having babies, I told all my patients - have family come and stay/help while you are in the hospital, but when you get discharged and go home, family must go home too, unless you are the only adult in the house.

I think that really varies depending on the personalities involved.
I am super grateful that my mom was there for the first couple of das after each of my kids were born and my in laws came out for a week almost right after that (with my first it WAS right after, my in laws pulled into our driveway about 4 hours after DH dropped my mom at the airport--we didn't even know they were coming as they didn't want us to feel we ahd to wash the guest room sheets or prepare in any way. I can totally imagine that a lot of people would NOT like that, but for me it was so wonderful. DH could not get time off work (his boss made a huge fuss that he went in 2 hours late in the day that DD has been born at 2 a.m.) and my mother in law was truly helpful and cooked and cleaned and sent father in law to the store, etc. DD was not an easy infant and that first little bit was a thousand times better having my in laws there to help

 

[Waddler]

Yes, for the future, and anyone else having babies, I told all my patients - have family come and stay/help while you are in the hospital, but when you get discharged and go home, family must go home too, unless you are the only adult in the house.

I agree that this is great advice for most people, but it is tricky sometimes.

I had a c-section with my first and he was not an easy newborn. (He had some digestive issues that weren't immediately diagnosed and did not sleep well.) The hospital didn't have a nursery, and the nurses were realistically too busy to help us take care of the baby. I physically struggled to even get out of bed. After almost a week of sleep deprivation in the hospital, my exhausted husband was barely able to drive us home.

By the time we were home, we really needed help for a few days so my husband could sleep a little and I could start to regain function. I think it's good to have one extra adult on call for the immediate postpartum period, especially if older siblings are involved.

 

[jdb in AZ]

This isn't a one-size-fits-all issue. Different families = different dynamics. My sis-in-law welcomed her mom's help, but the dad (grandpa) was as demanding as a newborn, so next time the new momma really didn't want their "assistance."

When my DD had her first baby, her DH was deployed to Iraq three days later. I stayed for two weeks and the other grandma was scheduled to help out after that, but she flaked out (long story) so I stayed an extra week til DD's best friend got there to relieve me.

When DD had her 2nd kiddo it was very natural for me to be there to help babysit the older kid so dad could spend more time at the hospital. The other grandma did put in an appearance that time and was helpful, but neither parent was overly excited to have her there.

 

[pigletgirl]

Oh I think it definitely depends on the people visiting. DH's parents came after mine did and all his dad did was complain about how we didn't have food in the house and he kept questioning me why I didn't prep for guests.

They were forewarned that if they needed anything that we weren't going to supply it. He didn't like our coffee so he went to starbucks every morning.

He also didn't like eating the food our friends brought over so he went and got himself take out. Finally by the third day I had enough. He and I don't have the best of relationship but we have reconciled since then and DD loves her "Pop-pop"....

When we bring home our second child, no one will be here until he/she is 2 or more weeks old. I want the first few weeks to be just our nuclear family.

 

[anna08]

It's lovely when it works out. It just really doesn't for many, and often leads to significant stress in the new mom. And that is what I got to deal with frequently. Some of us are blessed with great souls around us, but some of us are not.

I always found it interesting at how often husbands were reluctant to stick up for their wives. Not all, but enough that it is notable.

 

[Art 1]

It's lovely when it works out. It just really doesn't for many, and often leads to significant stress in the new mom. And that is what I got to deal with frequently. Some of us are blessed with great souls around us, but some of us are not.

I always found it interesting at how often husbands were reluctant to stick up for their wives. Not all, but enough that it is notable.

It could be, not sure but many times what the wife wants the husband to stick up for the husband finds ridiculous.

 

[Minnesota!]

I agree that this is great advice for most people, but it is tricky sometimes.

I had a c-section with my first and he was not an easy newborn. (He had some digestive issues that weren't immediately diagnosed and did not sleep well.) The hospital didn't have a nursery, and the nurses were realistically too busy to help us take care of the baby. I physically struggled to even get out of bed. After almost a week of sleep deprivation in the hospital, my exhausted husband was barely able to drive us home.

By the time we were home, we really needed help for a few days so my husband could sleep a little and I could start to regain function. I think it's good to have one extra adult on call for the immediate postpartum period, especially if older siblings are involved.

I had a similar situation - emergency c-section (vertical incision), kid in NICU, no sleep for 2 weeks, 2 year old son at home who was having major issues with me being gone, husband working 2 jobs, etc.

Still would not have liked having someone there to help. If anyone had offered, I probably would have slammed the door in their face, . The last thing I wanted in the midst of that chaos was someone else coming in and sorting stuff out.

But, I know I am stubborn like that in my life even 10 years later. My mess = I clean it up. Nobody better lay a hand on it,

I will fully admit I might be a control freak, though!

 

[Christine]

I had a similar situation - emergency c-section (vertical incision), kid in NICU, no sleep for 2 weeks, 2 year old son at home who was having major issues with me being gone, husband working 2 jobs, etc.

Still would not have liked having someone there to help. If anyone had offered, I probably would have slammed the door in their face, . The last thing I wanted in the midst of that chaos was someone else coming in and sorting stuff out.

But, I know I am stubborn like that in my life even 10 years later. My mess = I clean it up. Nobody better lay a hand on it,

I will fully admit I might be a control freak, though!

I was lucky in that my mom was very sensitive to how people feel in their homes. She came and helped me for 2 weeks. My husband could not get time off. The first week was definitely wonderful as I was quite sore. She was never pushy. She was very quiet and let me relax and bond with the baby while she ran to the grocery store, fixed meals, or let me nap when I got really tired. If I didn't want my laundry touched, she didn't touch it. Very respectful.

 

[Waddler]

I had a similar situation - emergency c-section (vertical incision), kid in NICU, no sleep for 2 weeks, 2 year old son at home who was having major issues with me being gone, husband working 2 jobs, etc.

Still would not have liked having someone there to help. If anyone had offered, I probably would have slammed the door in their face, . The last thing I wanted in the midst of that chaos was someone else coming in and sorting stuff out.

But, I know I am stubborn like that in my life even 10 years later. My mess = I clean it up. Nobody better lay a hand on it,

I will fully admit I might be a control freak, though!

To each his own. It became a safety issue for us. It was hard to ask for help because I'm a bit of a control freak myself.