Just curious - do you make sure to spend the same for each one of your children?

[Nancyg56]

I buy what I want to get them and don’t worry about if one gets more or less. And if either child ever questioned me, those would be the last presents they ever got from me.

That is how I raised my kids, you get what you get. Each one was an individual, and while I never set out to give more to one than another, there always seemed to be that one gift that one of them really wanted. One year Donny wanted a special gift that was more expensive than what I normally spent for each child, so I got it for him, and the next year Marisa the same, and Dan another year. In the end I figure it all evens out, and if it does not, I told them they could not haul my sorry self onto the Oprah show.

We aren't doing that either. We're helping each of the kids based on what they want/need, but I'm not handing huge sums of cash over to my 20yo son because he chose a cheaper educational path than his sister! He's at community college (<$4K/year) and DD is looking at private universities (>$70K/yr; financial aid will knock that down a lot, but not to CC prices). Our goal is to get all three kids through undergrad with no or very minimal debt, but with the kids on such different paths that's going to have vert different price tags for each kid. The equality comes in the fact that they will all have the credentials they need to launch their chosen career without student loan payments hanging over their heads, not in the dollar amount spent.

We still assist based on need. If one could use a hand and we can help we do. One time, many many years ago my youngest son's GF mentioned to me that it looked like we were giving preferential treatment to my DD> Really????? I told her that we chose to do what we wanted as we wanted, however if in fact were helping our DD more than we were helping our son at this particular time, that was because we get to decide how we do things. I added that if in the future we deemed it necessary to help our son, it would be because there was an issue he had encountered, just as my DD had, and he would be glad we were not "those" parents who gave them up at 18.

It's funny, my own children were never the ones who had concerns about even steven gifting and monetary assistance. They were not raised to compare, so they have never done so.

 

[Piglet]

Interesting responses. My kids are 10 years apart and the oldest understood that it sometimes looked like more presents for the little one and that theirs cost more. I guess that was my advantage of spacing them out. LOL There are times when one will get something when we are out shopping and the other doesn't. It doesn't seem to be a big deal to them, because we don't make it a big deal. It isn't always putting the focus on one child - each gets their turn. They get what they need (and sometimes want) at the time. I do try and keep the number of gifts fairly even at Christmas (a family gift (like tickets) one big and mostly clothes now that they are bigger). Where one might get a trampoline for their birthday, the other likes a day to shop for an outfit or some jewlery.

What I spend on my kids has no relation at all to how much I love them or the lengths I would go to for them and they know it.

My friend drags this into grandparents and is always complaining about when one goes shopping with them and buys for one cousin but not the others (which would be many grandchildren). I don't see an issue with it because with my kids and their cousins, whoever goes along picks something out. If they don't know, why should they care.

 

[jrmasm]

That is how I raised my kids, you get what you get. Each one was an individual, and while I never set out to give more to one than another, there always seemed to be that one gift that one of them really wanted. One year Donny wanted a special gift that was more expensive than what I normally spent for each child, so I got it for him, and the next year Marisa the same, and Dan another year. In the end I figure it all evens out, and if it does not, I told them they could not haul my sorry self onto the Oprah show.



We still assist based on need. If one could use a hand and we can help we do. One time, many many years ago my youngest son's GF mentioned to me that it looked like we were giving preferential treatment to my DD> Really????? I told her that we chose to do what we wanted as we wanted, however if in fact were helping our DD more than we were helping our son at this particular time, that was because we get to decide how we do things. I added that if in the future we deemed it necessary to help our son, it would be because there was an issue he had encountered, just as my DD had, and he would be glad we were not "those" parents who gave them up at 18.

It's funny, my own children were never the ones who had concerns about even steven gifting and monetary assistance. They were not raised to compare, so they have never done so.

Dang! The nerve! I hope he dumped her!!

 

[Nancyg56]

Dang! The nerve! I hope he dumped her!!

No, he married her. I have to say she is one of the most loving and caring young women I know, and she and my son live for each other. I admit I was a bit put off that day, however I have gotten over it 10 years later! LOL! She was an only child, so I cut her some slack, but I also think this kind of observation might have been made by anyone who came from a family where there was also that effort to be sure each child was exactly the same. My first husbands family did this and I detested the resulting behavior from all of the siblings (my husband included) and wanted to be sure my own knew it was not acceptable to me.

 

[jrmasm]

No, he married her. I have to say she is one of the most loving and caring young women I know, and she and my son live for each other. I admit I was a bit put off that day, however I have gotten over it 10 years later! LOL! She was an only child, so I cut her some slack, but I also think this kind of observation might have been made by anyone who came from a family where there was also that effort to be sure each child was exactly the same. My first husbands family did this and I detested the resulting behavior from all of the siblings (my husband included) and wanted to be sure my own knew it was not acceptable to me.

Glad it worked out!

 

[mumto3girls]

Yes and no. We definitely try to keep Christmas close to even as far as money spent. They are 17, 14 and 11 now. When they were littler I tried to keep the number of gifts about the same. Birthdays are about the same, but otherwise, no. My girls have all played different sports at different times. Club fees, travel costs and equipment can be costly. My oldest has been done with sports for a few years so we have very little expense for her in that regard. We did purchase a 3rd vehicle once she got her license though and although we intend for her to leave it at home when she goes to college and for her sister to then drive it, for right now I view that as a lot of money we have spent on her. Her senior year is also coming up and there will be expenses with that and then the big expense—college.

My youngest plays 3 sports right now. Two of them are just rec, but I expect in the next year or two she will drop soccer and continue with volleyball and lacrosse. She already does club volleyball and I think she will probably do whatever is comparable in lacrosse. That will add up fast. She also plays the saxophone which isn’t terribly expensive but there is a cost. Her sisters played instruments early on but have been done for years.

As I type this it seems like the middle one is getting shortchanged—no car and only volleyball for sports. If she wanted to play another sport we would encourage that, she just hasn’t had any interest. I do think it evens out over time though and we will try to help them all out as best as we can.

 

[pigletto]

I have a friend that makes sure she does exactly the same for each of her kids. She spends exactly the same amount on each for birthday's, Christmas etc., extended family birthday parties stop at the same age etc, they get to do things (date, summer job) at the same age.

I just found it a little obsessive and exhausting, I never really worry about it too much. I kind of have a budget for stuff like that but sometimes one gets more than the others. I just figure it all evens out in the end anyways and my kids don't care at all.

Is that a thing that is common?

Christmas , birthdays , Easter presents.. that kind of thing is in the same ballpark. They are seven years apart and different people so the rest is on a case by case basis,
I have a friend who wouldn’t let her daughter go anywhere without her younger brother. Not play dates, trips to the park , birthday parties. The younger brother had some big behaivour issues and threw a screeching fit any time his sister got to do something without him so mom’s answer was to send him along. It was awkward and hard on the daughter. Kids aren’t meant to be treated like a matching set .. they are individuals.

 

[Kitty 34]

Birthdays.....exact amount in a check. Christmas I would go crazy trying to keep it to the penny or dollar. This past Christmas, tho we did get a room at the casino for my son and wife that have no kids. We "wined and dined" them because as we told them; we spent a bunch on the grandkids from the other two sons and wives.

 

[DisneyOma]

How do you handle this with your mom? My sister forgets my eldest daughter for birthdays and Christmas, but buys for my twins. They are all still children. It infuriates me, but I’m not sure what to do about it. Any advice would be appreciated.

We don’t monitor dollars spent, but gift giving is relatively fair.

I don't say anything to my mom - she'd just turn it around on me, ask me why I was trying to make her feel bad, etc. Sometimes she's a *****, and I've learned to go around her as much as possible. I just always plan to sprinkle an extra bit of loving on my younger one whenever my mom is involved.

 

[goofyernmost]

I did and still do, 43 years later. I spend the same on my two girls and their husbands as well. A lesser amount for the grandkids, but, again each one gets the same value. It has been a chore to do it, but, it has worked, as far as I know, and that is all that is important. After I'm gone they can fight over what is left behind, but, my will says.. both get equal shares.