I'm so sick of feeling like I have to buy gifts for people I don't ever see..

[LoveBWVVBR]

For anyone wanting to read a little more about this issue, I throughly enjoyed the book "Scroogenomics". The author describes well the societal waste these "obligated" gifts create. Some possible solutions are reviewed (though frankly, the problem was not solved for me, either, but I enjoyed the book - is a fairly quick read, book is tinier that it looks in pictures!).

Thanks for recommending this. I am going to read it because this kind of stuff interests me.

OP, don't feel guilty. They are probably as over it as you are. If this is your DH's family, ask him to send an email saying that you'd all prefer to discontinue adult gift swaps. I'd just be forthright about it...adults can buy themselves whatever they want, and exchanging gift cards is inefficient at best.

 

[Tinkerbelllove]

You don't "have" to buy for anyone. If you don't want to, don't. We have similar situation with my sil and bil, they live about 20 minutes away with their kids and we see them once a year usually. Unless there's a graduation or baptism ( some special occasion ) they are great people too l, but busy and never make an effort to see us, -and it's likewise. It's. y husbands brother and I really wish he would make the effort, but he doesn't. So we have not much of a relationship with them. Really it's sad.

 

[vinotinto]

My DH had a nice conversation with his siblings a while back and it turned out that everyone was in agreement to not buy any presents for siblings/BIL/SIL. We all buy for the nieces and nephews though - they are kids after all and get excited for whatever you send them. Works out much better that way since really, everyone probably feels the same way. I suggest you have a chat with them and tell them you much rather do a Skype session to catch up and not engage in consumerism.

 

[brennicksmom]

If you are a scrooge, then so am I.

My husband's family:

We see my DH aunt and uncle maybe 2 times per year. They have 5 kids. We NEVER see the kids (all adults that are either engaged or married, one with kids of her own). A few years ago, after trying a few times I finally had them agree to a slight change. They buy for my 2 kids (now teens) and we buy for them. We no longer buy for any of their adult kids. We buy for the aunt and uncle only. I was buying for their grand kids, who live out of state and we have never met. But we never even received any type of thank you, so I quit that too.

My DH has another set of Aunt and uncle out of state that send us a check every year, even though we asked them to stop. Last year was the first time in 7 years they were in town for Christmas. We had been giving my inlaws their present every year as they said they were mailing it to them. Low and Behold, when they showed up my inlaws got out the last 7 years of presents they never sent to them, and chose not to tell us they never sent them. We all got a laugh out of it, but it made us feel bad. We feel obligated to get for them, and we will make sure to send the gifts ourselves, as my inlaws lied to us about it.

My family:

I have an aunt and uncle with two cousins. I see the aunt and uncle maybe every 2-3 years. The one cousin (with 3 kids) maybe 2 times each year, and I think it has been 10+ years since I have seen the other cousin(not married and has one kid). I pack up a big box every year for all 9 of them. I decided to stop this year. I don't know them. They don't know us. Trying to make this a bit easier and less stressful. Wish me luck!

 

[Hiitsme]

Feeling a bit grinchy, and wondering if this will be the year...

I am sick and tired of buying gifts for people I don't really have a relationship with: even if they are family.

Example one, BIL and SIL (x 2) live in the same town as me. I can't remember the last time we've visited, had lunch or gone to each other's house. WHY am I buying a GC that my husband will drop off and they'll probably send back a GC of the identical amount just to do it? I don't dislike them (BTW) just don't have a relationship with them.

Example two, sister who lives far away. We're not close. I rarely see her. The last time I flew up to the state where she lives ( my oldest daughter lives 30 minutes or so from her) she didn't even stop by. She doesn't show up at my daughter's parties for her children etc.

Example three, (this one is the hottest button for me) other sister.. We were close. Now, not at all. I actually called her last night, on my way from work, no answer, no call back, haven't heard from her in over a month. She's the one (of these examples) who is actually hurting my feelings.

I'm seriously thinking of not buying for any of them. Not exactly because of money but because it takes the joy out of buying for the people I want to buy for. I don't want to feel obliged.

Now, before you think I'm a total Grinch, if you are important to me, I LOVE to buy gifts for you. From my kids to my work secretary (who I love and totally has my back) I'll buy nice things because I want to. Last year, I told my husband that I knew it was extravagant, but I knew she'd been looking at them and couldn't afford one so I got her a Kindle and Amazon cards for it. Not because I *had* to or was obligated to but because I wanted to. My two best friends also get large gifts. So, I'm not "I only want to buy for immediate family". I just want to buy who I want to buy for.

What do you think?

How about a donation in their name to a charity? It would be a very meaningful gift and the recipient would really appreciate everything about it.

 

[angierae]

I'm sure your sibs probably feel a lot like you do. I would suggest to them dropping gifts between adults. My siblings and I haven't bought gifts for each other in I don't know how long - in our family, kids under 18 get gifts, and that's it.

 

[v.t.]

We still buy for the whole family, but my cousin's wife is impossible to buy for (and she thinks I am too). So we have a girls' days out instead.
For DH's family who never bought our kids gifts nor sent thank you notes or acknowledged receiving gifts, we finally stopped giving. Since their wasn't that much of a relationship anyway it didn't affect it.

 

[SC Minnie]

We stopped giving gifts several years ago. I finally told everyone that we would just buy for the kids-- no adults. Everyone was sooo relieved! The last couple of years I've only bought for my nieces 2 girls and may not do anything for them this year. They get so much from both sets of grandparents and great grandparents its ridiculous.

 

[mi*vida*loca]

I only buy for my kids, SO, mother, grandmothers, brother/SIL (dual gift) and nephew. I stopped buying for everyone else. It's out of hand.

We used to do a pollyanna for the cousins and for the aunts/uncles but most of my mother's side of the family have stopped celebrating Christmas so that's a no go now.

 

[marthachick]

I guess I'm a Scrooge. I buy for DH, DS & my parents. MIL & FIL are deceased. I don't buy for my brothers or sister or their kids. The kids all have way more than they can ever play with. Items go unused and/or are sold at the next yard sale. So, I'm done doing that.

 

[runwad]

OP just have your DH buy for his family. My DH and his sister hardly talk, I got tired of doing all the gift buying so told him it was on him. I think he did it one year and then that was it. Now we no longer have to send gifts to her nor does she send them to us. Good riddance!

 

[fifthdimensiondweller]

Ugh. I identify with this so much. I come from a big family with lots of children. I used to see my cousins more often, but in the last four years or so we have become more distant. I don't even feel like I see them enough to know what they'd want to Christmas, let alone feel close enough to want to spend money on them- especially considering most years I got obviously regifted gifts from their parents when I was growing up. If they aren't putting in the effort why should I? On the other hand... I'd feel guilty if I stopped buying for my cousins. I think this year might be the year, though. My husband and I want to have a baby of our own in the next few years, and I can't justify spending money we could be saving on Disney trips for ourselves and/or our own future child on people who can't even so much as text me a thank you! I'm glad others feel the same way. I really would like to just get it down to sending my mom her favorite chocolates, gifts exchanged between my husband and I, and gifts for my godchildren.

 

[Pixiedustaway]

No I get it. We buy for the kids. We get each a little something from the kids but we don't go nuts. I would just stop. It sucks and it will probably cause drama but you have completely valid reasons to stop. Good luck.

 

[disneylovinmom3]

I know what you mean. We don't have a relationship of any kind with my DSIL and her DH yet every year we buy them and their kids something because it's just what you're supposed to do. I'm so tired of buying gifts for people that frankly I just don't like but it's hard because I would feel guilty if I didn't.

 

[kymom99]

We have really scaled back. I have 4 nieces and nephews on my side. I give them each a little token because we are all close. A $10 chipotle card or a little bag of goodies. Also my niece now has 2 little ones so I get them a little something. We buy for our 3 kids and the grandkids, obviously. And we buy modestly for ourselves. There is also a neighbor who send us things and I usually get them a bottle of wine or something like that. I am retired so there is no more nonsense at work. My Husband might buy something for his boss. That's it. It's very liberating.

 

[Gr8t Fan]

I know what you mean. We don't have a relationship of any kind with my DSIL and her DH yet every year we buy them and their kids something because it's just what you're supposed to do. I'm so tired of buying gifts for people that frankly I just don't like but it's hard because I would feel guilty if I didn't.

The guilt will lessen over time but you have to take the first step to stop buying gifts. Several years ago we stopped buying for adults in the family. We used to buy for all of the kids (DH is one of 8 and I am one of 3) but that quickly got out of hand too. We tried doing a grab bag and other things, but that didn't work. We asked over and over again that the gift giving stop altogether but it didn't go over too well. What finally worked for us is that we've been on vacation over Christmas for the past 3 years so we don't really see anyone other than Mickey Mouse . We won't be there this Christmas, but we're not letting anyone know that ahead of time so they don't have time to get gifts for our kids. We don't want to start the crazy cycle again.

 

[Shelly F - Ohio]

In our family we only buy gifts for the kids under 18 and use elfter.com to draw names for adults. Folks can add Christmas wish items they want to their elfster list and whomever gets that person can shop from their list of items. 99% of the time its an item that can be ordered online and delivered. The kids can post what they want too but their names are not included in the name draw system. This way you know what you can buy for the kids too. Very easy and no hassle. We have been doing this for 6 years.