How to deal with a person who is constantly bringing up past transgressions and just will not "let it go?"

[Mackenzie Click-Mickelson]

Forgiveness does not mean you have to repair the relationship. You can forgive someone and never even speak to them again.

Sure you can and no one ever said you had to, I have done that exact thing..no contact with some family members and at peace with it. But if you have a relationship with someone don't act surprised if they continue to bring it up when you've stonewalled them. In this case it's someone who forgave someone without even discussing it with them but is annoyed when that person calls them out for not discussing it with them. Whether I agree with the sister-in-law or not I can see her side. YMMV.but it's time for moving on, OP has her viewpoint, and I'm not changin' it so that's that

 

[BayouQueen]

I don't engage with histrionic people. As a cancer survivor, I know that stress is bad for one's health. I wish I'd done more in my younger years to control stress levels.
My pat response is, "I'm sorry you feel that way," if someone insists on venting. If they keep on venting, they get a phone block.
Harsh? Maybe. But my health is as important as their petty grievances.

 

[DLgal]

Sure you can and no one ever said you had to, I have done that exact thing..no contact with some family members and at peace with it. But if you have a relationship with someone don't act surprised if they continue to bring it up when you've stonewalled them. In this case it's someone who forgave someone without even discussing it with them but is annoyed when that person calls them out for not discussing it with them. Whether I agree with the sister-in-law or not I can see her side. YMMV.but it's time for moving on, OP has her viewpoint, and I'm not changin' it so that's that

It's not my sister in law. It's my sister. I have been dealing with her crap for 41 years.

 

[Mackenzie Click-Mickelson]

It's not my sister in law. It's my sister. I have been dealing with her crap for 41 years.

...thanks for the clarification I guess...now leave me alone and stop quoting me..said tongue and cheek but you catch my drift (really said in a playful way so hopefully you get it) Enjoy your day

 

[bakerworld]

My son constantly brings up events that happened during his teen years. He's 38. Drives me crazy. Finally, last month I told him that I get he needs to vent but his venting is exhausting. He says he wants family members to claim culpability. OK. I still don't see how that helps him but I told him I claim culpability for everything. Maybe shutting him down wasn't the answer but I'm not a therapist. I told him he really should find a therapist and vent to that person. His sisters call him Prince and walk away. Makes for a good family time - not. LOL. I do feel sorry for him if his Dad dies before I because he will lose his enabler. And I feel sorry for the girls when we're both gone because no matter how we divide things he's going to feel he gets the bad end of the deal. Mostly, I feel sorry for my son because his behavior is costing him his family and wasting the potential to enjoy his life by concentrating on perceived wrongs that no amount of discussion will change.

Good luck to you. I'm betting your parents feel that same and us.

 

[DLgal]

I don't engage with histrionic people. As a cancer survivor, I know that stress is bad for one's health. I wish I'd done more in my younger years to control stress levels.
My pat response is, "I'm sorry you feel that way," if someone insists on venting. If they keep on venting, they get a phone block.
Harsh? Maybe. But my health is as important as their petty grievances.

OMG, this is totally her. I have never heard of this type of personality disorder, but it fits her to a t! Thank you for enlightening me. I was starting to think she may have inherited my dad's bipolar disorder.

 

[DLgal]

My son constantly brings up events that happened during his teen years. He's 38. Drives me crazy. Finally, last month I told him that I get he needs to vent but his venting is exhausting. He says he wants family members to claim culpability. OK. I still don't see how that helps him but I told him I claim culpability for everything. Maybe shutting him down wasn't the answer but I'm not a therapist. I told him he really should find a therapist and vent to that person. His sisters call him Prince and walk away. Makes for a good family time - not. LOL. I do feel sorry for him if his Dad dies before I because he will lose his enabler. And I feel sorry for the girls when we're both gone because no matter how we divide things he's going to feel he gets the bad end of the deal. Mostly, I feel sorry for my son because his behavior is costing him his family and wasting the potential to enjoy his life by concentrating on perceived wrongs that no amount of discussion will change.

Good luck to you. I'm betting your parents feel that same and us.

My sister brought up something that *supposedly* my mom did when she was FOUR. She is 41. That's a LONG time to sit on a memory and allow it to affect your entire relationship. And this supposed event is absolutely not something that ACTUALLY happened. We all know that memories from when one is 4 years old are not exactly reliable.

 

[TwoMisfits]

OMG, this is totally her. I have never heard of this type of personality disorder, but it fits her to a t! Thank you for enlightening me. I was starting to think she may have inherited my dad's bipolar disorder.

She may have - it's also on point to this issues she and you are having (early phase of mania).

 

[DLgal]

She may have - it's also on point to this issues she and you are having (early phase of mania).

Yeah, sadly there is NOTHING I can do if that is the case.

 

[TwoMisfits]

Yeah, sadly there is NOTHING I can do if that is the case.

About all you can do is encourage her to talk to a professional if she still has issues with you...that may get her in front of people who will recognize the signs if she is starting to develop a mental disorder.

 

[The Mayor]

I find in these types of situations that you can’t be blunt enough with people like this so a good old **** might work.

 

[HopperFan]

See, she wanted to have a group phone call and "hash out any grievances so we can move on in a more respectful manner." But I know she doesn't mean that because she LITERALLY called up my mother on Saturday just to scream at her about what a horrible mother she is and went off on a tirade of berating and verbally abusing her. Meanwhile, my mom is dealing with a potentially devastating health issue...my mom called my hysterically crying after that phone call...

So, I am not too keen to speak on the phone with her.

This would have been the final straw for me.

My Dad had an aunt that it was all about her, the town she lived in even called her "The Queen of XXX" because of how she acted. When we went to tell her that her brother (my grandfather) died of a heart attack, you know we felt it best to go in person ... her response was "It couldn't have been as bad as mine." There are people who will never ever consider others feelings, will never treat them with respect, will blame them for everything taking no responsibility and sounds like no matter what is said or done, it will resolve nothing. She'll just feed off of it.

The issue is that it was ME who had the problem with her. She "heard" about it secondhand and is now DEMANDING that I discuss it with her, but *I* have already forgiven her behavior and moved on. She wants me to tell her why I came away from that gathering unhappy (she was the host) and I know it's so that when I try to point out that her behavior was rude and dismissive and mean, she will DENY IT UNTIL THE COWS COME HOME and find a way to blame ME (or anyone else) for it, rather than just say "Oh my gosh, I didn't mean to treat you like that. I'm so sorry."

She wants you to engage so she can attack you, don't give her the opportunity.

OMG, this is totally her. I have never heard of this type of personality disorder, but it fits her to a t! Thank you for enlightening me. I was starting to think she may have inherited my dad's bipolar disorder.

Yeah, sounds like histrionics in overdrive and you might be right about BD. At this point in her life, she & her family needs to address her own issues and you have no obligation to be drug down with her. Your Mom is your priority.

My sister brought up something that *supposedly* my mom did when she was FOUR. She is 41. That's a LONG time to sit on a memory and allow it to affect your entire relationship. And this supposed event is absolutely not something that ACTUALLY happened. We all know that memories from when one is 4 years old are not exactly reliable.

My concern here is not her, she is her own enemy, my concern would only be for my mother who she continues to attack. What can you and other sister do to protect her? What can you do to make sure you can make good decisions for Mom should they be needed - without the volatile one. Perhaps two sisters need to go visit Mom to make sure her affairs are in order, find out what she needs to help her through this health situation and what you can do to protect her.

I was in a situation where parents needed protection from a child. It was best to meet apart from them, make good solid plans with parents and if things came up ... it was already handled or a plan in place. When it's not handled in advance it only escalates when an issue arrives. That helps no one.

 

[ronandannette]

Well, she has dropped it for now with me, and also cancelled her family's planned trip to visit my parents next month, and lied about the reason, to boot, in our group text. She is unaware that my mom told me about their recent argument. So, hopefully this is the end of it. I have been sharing medical updates with my sisters and they have kept things civil by thanking me for sharing them.

I am not unwilling to hash things out with her, but I am not willing to allow her to make things about her RIGHT NOW, when we need to be focused on helping my mom and dad through this situation. Now is simply not the time.

It was your mother that told her what you said about her too, correct? She’s performing like a real dog-in-the-manger here; do none of you recognize it? She’s clearly not an appropriate confidante for either of you and if you’re both actually “tattling to Mom” about one another, well, maybe think through that dynamic too.

 

[DLgal]

It was your mother that told her what you said about her too, correct? She’s performing like a real dog-in-the-manger here; do none of you recognize it? She’s clearly not an appropriate confidante for either of you and if you’re both actually “tattling to Mom” about one another, well, maybe think through that dynamic too.

Oh, believe me, I am aware of that dynamic. As my husband says, "at this point both your mom and sister are unreliable narrators."

I get it. My mom does have a tendency to sometimes be a victim as well and I have called her out on this. This time was different, though. She has never been so upset. She was very, very hurt. Most of the time, she comes away from these arguments with my sister aggravated but she knows how she is at this point. My dad was also there and he heard some of the things my sister said and when I spoke to him yesterday, he expressed that he was quite disappointed with my sister. So, I am willing to give my mom the benefit of the doubt, although I recognize this is her interpretation of events.

 

[StephMK]

With my students who fixate like this, I've found the only way is to calmly and firmly shut them down. Repeat and don't give in when they want to vent about the past. Eventually they stop bringing up past issues and we can all move on.

 

[Skywalker]

See, she wanted to have a group phone call and "hash out any grievances so we can move on in a more respectful manner." But I know she doesn't mean that because she LITERALLY called up my mother on Saturday just to scream at her about what a horrible mother she is and went off on a tirade of berating and verbally abusing her. Meanwhile, my mom is dealing with a potentially devastating health issue...my mom called my hysterically crying after that phone call...

So, I am not too keen to speak on the phone with her.

Speaking of histrionics, I can't help but notice your mother calling and "hysterically crying" after a phone call.

It was your mother that told her what you said about her too, correct? She’s performing like a real dog-in-the-manger here; do none of you recognize it? She’s clearly not an appropriate confidante for either of you and if you’re both actually “tattling to Mom” about one another, well, maybe think through that dynamic too.

Starting to think there is much more to the family dynamic than just the sister. Maybe try to show your sister some grace.

 

[DLgal]

Speaking of histrionics, I can't help but notice your mother calling and "hysterically crying" after a phone call.



Starting to think there is much more to the family dynamic than just the sister. Maybe try to show your sister some grace.

Why? Because my mother was crying after hearing her daughter say awful things to her in the midst of a medical crisis? She was upset and hurt. Maybe hysterically crying isn't the right description. Crying so hard she couldn't get words out for a minute. Maybe inconsolable is a better word. I have never heard her like that except when her father died. This was not some act. She would gain nothing by doing something like that.

 

[CdnCarrie]

My son constantly brings up events that happened during his teen years. He's 38. Drives me crazy. Finally, last month I told him that I get he needs to vent but his venting is exhausting. He says he wants family members to claim culpability. OK. I still don't see how that helps him but I told him I claim culpability for everything. Maybe shutting him down wasn't the answer but I'm not a therapist. I told him he really should find a therapist and vent to that person. His sisters call him Prince and walk away. Makes for a good family time - not. LOL. I do feel sorry for him if his Dad dies before I because he will lose his enabler. And I feel sorry for the girls when we're both gone because no matter how we divide things he's going to feel he gets the bad end of the deal. Mostly, I feel sorry for my son because his behavior is costing him his family and wasting the potential to enjoy his life by concentrating on perceived wrongs that no amount of discussion will change.

Good luck to you. I'm betting your parents feel that same and us.

I think this is different. If my child had misgivings about things that happened in childhood I would be to a family therapist ASAP. I would be mortified if they were hurt by something that happened and would want to fix it immediately.