Do you give a gift if you can't attend an event?

[KarenAylwood]

Back in the period of life where we were invited to wedding after wedding, I always sent a gift/check whether or not we could go. If I was invited to the bridal shower and I couldn't attend- I sent a gift. A FIRST baby shower- I always give a gift. Now everyone's kids are growing up and everyone is having second and third kids. Finances are getting tighter as our own little cherub gets older... etc etc.

We just went to a 4th bday party of a good friend's child. Her third child is turning 1 in early June- just got an invite for that. We were invited to a 2nd birthday party this weekend (can't go), and a "sprinkle" for a girl's second baby. I'm holding a baby shower at my house this weekend for a friend, and have two more pregnant with their second and third kids. AHHH. We have a good group of friends- 10 or so couples, and 7 of our kids were born in the same year! Plus we're in a neighborhood now with a bazillion kids and have gotten close with all the parents (have had a few parties in the few months we've lived here already)- more birthdays are coming, I can feel it. Talk about snowballing.

What do you do? Do you send a gift only if it's a relative? (we have a niece/nephew out of town who just had a bday party we missed and I got them presents of course) Only a relative/good friend's kids? Only if you go to the event? This is getting expensive. Thoughts??

 

[Shellyb84]

I only send a gift if I can't attend and it's a relative or close friend. It just gets too expensive.

 

[verleniahall]

^^^ Diddo - But you can always send a card - maybe put $5 inside? this gives them SOMETHING, but it also doesn't cost you an arm and a leg on a gift - kids gifts can get pretty pricey.

We got a birthday invite with a gift registry card in it - they literally registered their child at Target so people knew what to get them

 

[love4wdw]

^^^ Diddo - But you can always send a card - maybe put $5 inside? this gives them SOMETHING, but it also doesn't cost you an arm and a leg on a gift

This. I had the pleasure of having 5 girl cousins and 3 college friends get married within 15 months, so I understand the lovely nature that is gift giving. While I did give gifts to each lady whether or not I could attend for each event, I feel that birthday parties and "sprinkles" are not of the same magnitude as a wedding-- just my opinion. If I were you I would buy some small gift cards to Target/BB&B/Buy Buy Baby and give a nice card. It says that you're thinking of them. Also, I usually bring something to a newborn for anything after the first pregnancy. You can find some cute/cheap baby clothes at Marshall's/TJ Max or at Target on clearance (plus 5% off Red Card whoo!).

Either way, you're very lucky to find yourself surround with great friends and neighbors!

 

[disneychrista]

Nope. I am not a gift giver though. I attended my friends birthday and didn't even think to buy a gift. Same for when we went out for her daughters birthday.

 

[crisi]

Showers for second babies are a no-no - I send a note, no gift, and don't attend. Unless there are extenuating circumstances.

Going to friend's kids birthday parties? Depends on the party. If the kid is little (like one or two) something practical and not too expensive, like clothes. If they are preschool age, a book. If they are older than that, invite their friends, not yours. I skip those once they hit school. I don't send my nephew's birthday gifts - they do get something for Christmas.

Weddings I only go to if I'm close to the person getting married or their parents. I'll send a note otherwise. If I'm close enough to go, and can't, I send a gift.

 

[ajwolfe]

We typically only get a gift if we attend unless it's a close relative or friend. The $5 in a card isn't a bad idea but depending on how many neighbor kids and such you have that could add up quickly too!!

 

[hoffman1]

I don't go to showers for second or third babies. If I am close to the family, I might take a gift when I go to visit after the baby is born.
If I can't attend a birthday party/wedding, I don't usually send a gift unless it is a close relative.

 

[DisneyMandC]

I've never even heard of showers for second or third babies... my (very large) family always throws a baby showers, but only for the first child.

I always send a gift for a wedding. Not sure about a kid's birthday, but maybe a very small toy? Kids' birthday parties these days have gotten out of hand though. I just saw on facebook where I couple I know how are mired in debt (they discuss it openly on facebook) just had a huuuuuuge party with plenty of decorations and food for the child's first birthday. No. When I was one, my grandparents came over for dinner and perhaps a cousin or two. Parents seem to be throwing these parties as an excuse for themselves to have a party now. I saw another couple who had an OPEN BAR at their child's first birthday. Ridiculous.

 

[KarenAylwood]

I've never even heard of showers for second or third babies... my (very large) family always throws a baby showers, but only for the first child.

I always send a gift for a wedding. Not sure about a kid's birthday, but maybe a very small toy? Kids' birthday parties these days have gotten out of hand though. I just saw on facebook where I couple I know how are mired in debt (they discuss it openly on facebook) just had a huuuuuuge party with plenty of decorations and food for the child's first birthday. No. When I was one, my grandparents came over for dinner and perhaps a cousin or two. Parents seem to be throwing these parties as an excuse for themselves to have a party now. I saw another couple who had an OPEN BAR at their child's first birthday. Ridiculous.

Cripes!! An open bar?? We had a "big" first birthday party but we did snacks and cupcakes and a cake smash for my son. Had it outside- I got some baby pools and filled one with plastic balls and another with water and had a slide out. All of his "friends" (or ours I guess) were local and had little ones too. Then both sets of parents came. I spent maybe $250 on the whole thing, but ended up with things we'd have bought anyway (a coleman shelter, the pools, etc). We also hadn't had a get together at our place in I don't know how long. Big first birthdays are a thing around here- people even rent out places and such. Too much IMO. The "sprinkles" are getting more and more common and really bug me- it's usually for diapers/wipes/etc and usually a surprise to the mom. The issue was when someone decided to hold one for the first girl to have a second kid and both DH and I were like "ohhhhh no. Bad precedent!!!!"

Yes we are very lucky to have good friends and neighbors close by especially since both of our families are far away. I'm trying to make myself feel less guilty for not sending something for a sprinkle or kids bday we can't make. I just feel guilty I guess because I've always been a "good gift giver" but at some point it gets to be too much! I like the $5 idea- I may do that for the kids bday parties we don't end up making.

 

[kymom99]

I had a big party for my son's first 2 birthdays. After that I reduced it to my family, my husband's parents, and one close friend and her kids. Still a big party but not nearly as big as the first couple, because my husbands family is very big. Eventually we got smaller and smaller until it was just pizza and cake with whoever was free when we called to invite them. I had friend parties for him with 3 or 4 of his friends a couple years once he got in school.

It may be that you need to go out on a limb and tell your friends you won't be inviting them to your kids' parties after, say, age 6 or something like that. That way you wont feel bad for declining all those invitations.

 

[Thing 1]

Another option that I try to do is to have a stash of super good sale items to gift from when the person is not a really close friend, but I would just feel the need for whatever reason to give a little something. I purchased things when they are on final clearance or black fridays sales. One year when DS was a preschooler, Black Friday sales had preschool games for like 3.00 each. I bought a ton and gave those for birthday party gifts for a few years. I have also purchased art supplies at the almost give away back to school sales prices and create art kits. I watch clearance sales at department sales for baby clothes....... bought some little me and carter for 2.88 recently, and places like Marshals or Tuesday Morning for picture frames. I try to stay consistent with in families....if I buy for one kid...I make sure to buy for all the kids in that family.

 

[Vijoge]

LOL I have 17 grandchildren-just getting through Christmas requires an enormous effort. Then there are birthdays and graduations, eventually weddings. . .

 

[DisneyHardin]

I would always send a gift if it was a wedding, but most anything else, I wouldn't send a gift if I wasn't able to go. Showers do seem to be getting out of hand. We are having a bridal shower at work next week for someone's third wedding!!!!

 

[MandiC]

Only for close friends/family.
If the kids are invited to a birthday party for a friend from school and they can't go, no gift.
If we are invited to a birthday party for a niece/nephew/cousin/close friend and can't go, we give a gift the next time we see them.
Invited to a wedding for a couple we are acquaintances of/work with/extended family and we can't go, no gift.
Invited to a wedding for a cousin we spend a lot of time with or close friend and can't go (though there has not yet been a case where we haven't been able to for someone we are close with), we'd get a gift.
Wedding showers- if I can't go unless I am standing up in the wedding or it is very close family, no gift. Especially if I am attending the wedding and giving a gift there. I am not a fan of wedding showers now anyways for couples who have lived together and have all the basics. Wedding showers are supposed to help a couple set up their household together. I lived with my husband prior to marriage and did not have a wedding shower...and we were far from having our household completely set up. It just completely went against proper etiquette, so we didn't.
Same with baby showers, though I will usually give a gift for first babies no matter what. Second, third, fourth...not unless it is my niece/nephew/godchild or a child of a very close friend/neighbor/relative.

 

[Vernie822]

I know what you mean.. It's a huge expense! Can you do something cute for little ones like a $5-10 Dairy Queen or Target gift card? The parents will hopefully understand that with so many parties and such that this stuff gets out of hand, but would hopefully appreciate the small gesture.

Another thing you can do that my friend does is stock up on stuff like kids clothes, toys, etc when Target/Kohls/places like that have sales. Like really inexpensive onesies, outfits, stuff like that. She keeps it all on reserve, along with a ton of bath and body stuff, candles, etc. so that when she has a party to go to she has a lot of gifts handy and its not $20-25 out of her wallet.

 

[HM]

I do not send a gift if I am not able to attend. Except niece/nephew graduations, birthdays.

 

[shoney]

For kids b-day parties, my kids brought a gift if they attended, but no gift if they did not.

Honestly, I am not in your situation...I don't get invited to that many parties...LOL
The way I look at it when it comes to kids birthdays, if it were a close person that I would have given a gift to regardless if they had a party or not, I would send a gift or give it to them the next time I saw them. If they aren't in my normal gift giving circle, then I would just decline and not send a gift.
I would also not give a $5 gift card to anyone. If I give a gift card, $20 would be my min. If I wanted a token gift, I'd pick something up on sale.

 

[ellie05]

In case of birthday parties, showers or any other event that is not a wedding I will not send a gift if I don't go. If it is a wedding I will send a card with a gc or send a gift from registry.

 

[NinaBella]

It would depend on how close you are to the person. My husband has a several God children. One of his God daughter's quince invitation was sent. The tricky part was she is also a blood relative to his ex-wife and for various reasons he decided not to attend. We went to Tiffany & Co. and purchased her a nice necklace and Tiffany & Co. sent it to her all nicely packaged. It would have been what an airline ticket would have cost anyways. If it was not his God daughter we probably would have sent a card with a small amount of cash or gift card.