Any parents of only child with autism?

[Booknut]

We are parents to an amazing little girl named Matilda who just turned 4. She has high functionin autism and is the best thing that ever happened to us

But as all of you with ASD kids knows, its been a long road to get to where we are now and we have a long road ahead of us. We would love to give her a brother or sister (she does have an older half-sister who is 26 but she only sees her a few time a year as she lives in another part of England) but are afraid of having another child with the possibility of autism, especially if its more severe to what Matilda has at the moment.

She has mentioned a few times about having a baby sister and sharing her room and so we're thinking about it again (i'm 38 and DH is 46 so the clock is ticking pretty rapidly!). But the thought of having a child with more complicated needs scares us and would mean even less time to spend with Maitlda.

So we're in a bit of a quandry. Would love to hear from those of you who had a first child on the spectrum and then took the plunge again or decided to just devote all your time and energy and love to parenting your special child.

Thanks for reading,
Eloise

 

[kirstenb1]

I wasn't going to answer, because we don't have your situation, but I felt bad, like I was ignoring you!!

We have a 13 yr old and a 6 yr old. OUr six yr old has the same condition as your dd. I was 39 when she was born, and she was different from the beginning. We knew we weren't going to have any more children.

One thing I will say, her sister has made a huge difference in Zoe's progress. They act like typical siblings, and her older sister doesn't sugarcoat anything. She calls Zoe out when she's being inappropriate, and loves on her when she's being sweet.

I guess if I were in your shoes, I'd look at both sides of the family and see how strong if any, a genetic link to autism there is. It sounds like you've given this a lot of thought. Anyway, best wishes whatever your choice.

 

[GraceLuvsWDW]

I have an only with as. I think a sibling would be good for her but that is not in the cards as I am too old now. I think two kids with autism would be difficult but I would not let that deter me. Any child would be a gift.

 

[Nik's Mom]

Booknut, I have 2 children, but thought I'd still share.
We suspected that our oldest had something wrong when he was very young. Unfortunately, specialists didn't agree with that. When I was pregnant with my 2nd son, it was confirmed that my 1st son had high functioning autism.

I'm so glad that we had 2 children. Although, I have to be honest and say that my 2nd son was also diagnosed with autism, and he has more challenges. But, the relationship that my boys have is truly amazing. They are incredibly close and have learned so much from each other.

You do need to do what is best for your family. I know it's a hard decision.

 

[Nik's Mom]

I have an only with as. I think a sibling would be good for her but that is not in the cards as I am too old now. I think two kids with autism would be difficult but I would not let that deter me. Any child would be a gift.

I just saw this. Yes, having 2 on the spectrum is a challenge. But they do bring so much joy. I love my boys dearly. I really do feel blessed. I know that probably sounds so crazy. Only a special needs parent would understand, right?

 

[Booknut]

thank you all for your responses, I really appreciate hearing from all of you

We're going to give ourselves 6 months to get into shape (well as much as youc an in 6 months without going to the biggest loser camp ) and try to do everything different from last time. But I think we're going to try...at least that bit is fun

Nik's mom: you don't sound crazy at all, my daughter is the BEST thing that's every happened to me, she is so funny and sweet and gentle and I wish I had 3 of her

 

[Canadamomof3]

My oldest is autistic, as is my brother. We decided to have a second before we knew that our oldest was autistic (pregnant before his first birthday - there were some red flags looking back but we didn't connect the dots at the time). Our second was a boy and isn't autistic. My oldest was in the process of being diagnosed when we decided to have our third - we tried the shettles method to try and increase the odds of a girl - partially because I really wanted a girl and partially because our odds of the child being autistic were a lot lower. Our third was a girl and is also neuro-typical. I guess at the end of the day every person's situation is different as are the needs of their family - for us, we knew we could handle more children on top of the needs of our oldest, even if one of them turned out to be autistic. My oldest is quite high functioning and gets along quite well with his siblings - him and his brother act like twins much of the time because they are the same developmental age (that good old love/hate issue . With the higher odds I guess the question you (general "you") need to ask is how you would feel about/handle having another autistic child - if two autistic children is too much, then playing the odds may not be the best choice. I pulled some of the relevant stats below in case anyone is interested:

"Younger male siblings were three times more likely to have autism than girls: 26.2% versus 9.1%."

The board won't let me post the link, but you can google "For Siblings of Autistic Kids, Risk Is Far Higher Than Thought" by Time magazine - a lot of the current stats are coming out of a project called the Babysibs progam, which tests younger siblings starting as babies - my daughter was actually one of study participants.

 

[bookwormde]

We knew before our first child that having an aspie was a high probability since we have generations of Aspies. I would have been disappointed not to have a child who had the gifts that go along with it. Yes there are challenges but if you were to have a second that child would have benefits that a first child does not due to your knowledge and understanding whether the child has ASG or is neurotypical genetically. We had a 90% typical child as our second, and having siblings makes a big difference. (and it own set of challenges)

 

[NotUrsula]

My older child is an Aspie and the younger is NT. I actually know quite a few families who have this pattern; based on what I have heard around AS discussions, I suspect it is at least as common as having a spectrum situation repeat.

What that means, essentially, is that it is simple luck of the draw. I don't think that there is much that you could do differently that would assure you of a different outcome.

 

[Luv Bunnies]

I was far along in my pregnancy with our second child before it was determined that our son might be on the spectrum (he was 3 at the time). Our second boy does not have autism, and ended up being just what the older one needed. Having another child, especially a boy, gave him a playmate, someone to share his interests, and someone to challenge him. I love having two boys who are so different. They've given me two totally different experiences and viewpoints on raising kids.

 

[toodycat]

My son has PDD-NOS. He is high functioning and about to graduate high school and go on to college. At the time that he was diagnosed, it was not at all certain that those types of accomplishments would be in the cards. Neither DH nor I had been keen on having a second child to begin with and DS's diagnosis at age 3 just confirmed it for us. We didn't want to risk having a second child with a greater disability or neglecting a neurotypical child in order to care for our first child. DS has done very well, but I think part of the reason is that I was able to devote a lot of time and resources exclusively to his treatment when he was very young. He never mentioned wanting a brother and the one time I did ask him about it, he told me that if he had a brother, he would be willing to sometimes share his things. Beyond that, he never seemed to miss having a sibling and we never missed caring for one. I wouldn't trade how everything's worked out at all.

 

[kehlyrsmom]

We also have two childern and both on the spectrum. Our kids are now 12 and 10 1/2 our daughter who is the oldest was not diagnosed with Aspbergers until she was 6 she had delayed speach and had started speach thearpy at the age of two. Our son who is now age 10 1/2 was diagnosed with moderate autism and apraxia of speach at the age of 2 1/2 so he was diagnosed on the spectrum before his sister, he was not talking at the time and we were told that it was very likely that he would never talk.

But with early intervention and several years of various OT, Speach and feeding thearpies both attend school in a regular classroom setting but are pulled out into a resource room for certain subjects. Our son started talking when he was 4 though he can be hard to understand at times. Also both are on medication to control their anger as both can become very aggressive when upset.

We have certainly had our challenges over the years and I suspect as they get older we will go through several more challenges as the teen years hit. But I can't imagine life any other way.

 

[Dancind]

We have an only, she is 21 now and self diagnosed Aspie. Official diagnosis in school were ADD and CAPD. I don't know how we would have had another, but it may have been a good idea. She has a 2 years younger NT cousin that she is very close to, but that cousin is going to art school now, on the other side of the country.

One thing we have recently learned, diet makes a difference for her. When she sticks to a gluten free, low sugar, higher Omega 3 fat diet, she is a different person. Her brain works, she can focus, she is more social.

Might be something to try for the pregnancy and breast feeding phase. Check out the Primal Blueprint.

 

[ratlenhum]

My son is 10. I planned on trying to get pregnant again when he turned 2. He was diagnosed at 22 months. I decided he needed my full time and attention. At 4 we thought about another, then again at 5 and 6 and somehow always talked ourselves out of it. Now my biggest regret ever in my whole life is not having another child.

You won't regret having another child, but you may end up regretting NOT having another.

 

[sturdypeasantstock]

DS1 has autism; his younger brother and sister have been a blessing to him, IMHO. They are all very close.

I grew up an only child and I have autism. I begged for a sibling, but my parents said they "couldn't have" any more and weren't willing to consider adoption. I think they felt overwhelmed and thought just raising me was hard enough.

It's such a difficult decision and I wish you the best whatever you do. Personally I would have another child and would consider adoption. Every family is different, but I look at my lifelong loneliness and then look at how happy my son has been hanging out with his siblings over the years.