Bewitch324
DIS Veteran
- Joined
- May 12, 2009
Ok, please bear with me because this is a bit long winded, but I'm seriously having a freak out and I need words of wisdom from all you experts out there...
We've been together 6 years (and 2 weeks!). Living together for 5 years. We're older--he's 56, I'm 42. He's been married before, I haven't. No kids, we're both too old. We've been talking about the marriage thing for a couple of years, and in November, we designed a ring together and a deposit was put down. (He had decided that he wanted me heavily involved in the ring and diamond choice since I would be wearing it forever and he wanted to be sure I would love it--he tends to second guess himself a lot, even though he's got great taste!) Once the design was finalized and the ring was going to be made, I got out of the loop because he wanted the final part--ring, proposal--to be in his control. Which I thought was sweet and kind of romantic.
Well...we've passed Valentine's Day, we've passed the anniversary of moving in together, we've passed our regular anniversary...it's been months since the ring was "done"....and I'm starting to get really frustrated and upset. I'm wondering if he's not really ready, if he just started down the design road because he thought knowing the ring was coming would make me happy (which it did) and buy him some time (which I guess it did).
We've discussed that Disney is where we want to be married, but beyond that he doesn't want to discuss the wedding at all until we're engaged, but I have no idea when we are getting engaged and he says he wants it to be a total surprise...which how can it be a total surprise when I think about it every day (and really...I've tried not to but I know it's out there!!) not that I've pointed that out to him.
And I know that I'm practically an old lady and I guess I'm not supposed to want or need the proposal and the ring and the wedding...but I do!! It doesn't have to be big and dramatic, but it's something that is important to me and he knows it's important to me and I feel like he's blowing it off or worse, that it's not at all important to him. And he is so NOT a romantic guy, and I get that and I'm assuming when he's ready he'll probably just hand me the box and say something charming like "here you go" and while that idea disappoints me, I understand who he is and that he just doesn't get all sentimental. But at this point, I'm getting aggravated that I haven't even gotten THAT.
And the grown up me says, well you are going to be married for the rest of your lives, what's a few more months before he proposes? And my inner 5 year old stomps her foot and sobs why doesn't he want me NOW???? And I keep having these circular arguments with myself about what I want and what I should want and why I shouldn't be a brat about it...But I'm starting to get resentful.
This is not helped by the fact that we've both been working a ton of hours and not getting enough QUALITY time together and he's been stressed and tense and I'm stressed and tense...but seriously, I feel like I'm walking on eggshells not to bring up this major topic because I don't want to push him if he's not ready, but my feelings are getting hurt because it's not happening and I don't want him to do it because I want it, I want him to do it because it is what he wants...and maybe I need to just accept that this isn't what he wants? but that really sends me over the edge. And I feel like all this angst and emotion is spilling over into other areas and he doesn't know that he's walking through a mine field every day...and I don't know what to do. And I SO never wanted to be one of THOSE women. I am making myself crazy.
The intelligent adult response is calm down, let it go, don't have any expectations, it will happen when it happens and when it's meant to happen. And there are WAY more important things to worry about, like the homeless and Afganistan and starving and sick children. And, intellectually, I get all that, I really do. But emotionally? I cannot get my heart on board with that plan at all.
So in a nutshell: all you lovely engaged people happily planning your weddings, and all you experienced married people that look back on the dating/engaged/wedding planning years with fondness (or despair!)...any advice for the crazy lady waiting (perhaps hopelessly) for the ring (and more importantly for her man to be READY for what it all means????).
Thank you for reading (if you've stayed awake this long....)
Brooke
We've been together 6 years (and 2 weeks!). Living together for 5 years. We're older--he's 56, I'm 42. He's been married before, I haven't. No kids, we're both too old. We've been talking about the marriage thing for a couple of years, and in November, we designed a ring together and a deposit was put down. (He had decided that he wanted me heavily involved in the ring and diamond choice since I would be wearing it forever and he wanted to be sure I would love it--he tends to second guess himself a lot, even though he's got great taste!) Once the design was finalized and the ring was going to be made, I got out of the loop because he wanted the final part--ring, proposal--to be in his control. Which I thought was sweet and kind of romantic.
Well...we've passed Valentine's Day, we've passed the anniversary of moving in together, we've passed our regular anniversary...it's been months since the ring was "done"....and I'm starting to get really frustrated and upset. I'm wondering if he's not really ready, if he just started down the design road because he thought knowing the ring was coming would make me happy (which it did) and buy him some time (which I guess it did).
We've discussed that Disney is where we want to be married, but beyond that he doesn't want to discuss the wedding at all until we're engaged, but I have no idea when we are getting engaged and he says he wants it to be a total surprise...which how can it be a total surprise when I think about it every day (and really...I've tried not to but I know it's out there!!) not that I've pointed that out to him.
And I know that I'm practically an old lady and I guess I'm not supposed to want or need the proposal and the ring and the wedding...but I do!! It doesn't have to be big and dramatic, but it's something that is important to me and he knows it's important to me and I feel like he's blowing it off or worse, that it's not at all important to him. And he is so NOT a romantic guy, and I get that and I'm assuming when he's ready he'll probably just hand me the box and say something charming like "here you go" and while that idea disappoints me, I understand who he is and that he just doesn't get all sentimental. But at this point, I'm getting aggravated that I haven't even gotten THAT.
And the grown up me says, well you are going to be married for the rest of your lives, what's a few more months before he proposes? And my inner 5 year old stomps her foot and sobs why doesn't he want me NOW???? And I keep having these circular arguments with myself about what I want and what I should want and why I shouldn't be a brat about it...But I'm starting to get resentful.
This is not helped by the fact that we've both been working a ton of hours and not getting enough QUALITY time together and he's been stressed and tense and I'm stressed and tense...but seriously, I feel like I'm walking on eggshells not to bring up this major topic because I don't want to push him if he's not ready, but my feelings are getting hurt because it's not happening and I don't want him to do it because I want it, I want him to do it because it is what he wants...and maybe I need to just accept that this isn't what he wants? but that really sends me over the edge. And I feel like all this angst and emotion is spilling over into other areas and he doesn't know that he's walking through a mine field every day...and I don't know what to do. And I SO never wanted to be one of THOSE women. I am making myself crazy.
The intelligent adult response is calm down, let it go, don't have any expectations, it will happen when it happens and when it's meant to happen. And there are WAY more important things to worry about, like the homeless and Afganistan and starving and sick children. And, intellectually, I get all that, I really do. But emotionally? I cannot get my heart on board with that plan at all.
So in a nutshell: all you lovely engaged people happily planning your weddings, and all you experienced married people that look back on the dating/engaged/wedding planning years with fondness (or despair!)...any advice for the crazy lady waiting (perhaps hopelessly) for the ring (and more importantly for her man to be READY for what it all means????).
Thank you for reading (if you've stayed awake this long....)
Brooke
i dreamed that planning a wedding would be like a fairytale... and it's turned into a nightmare 
enjoy the suspense. sit back quietly, have your wedding planned in your head (or on an excel spreadsheet-whatever, lol), have your money saved and when he proposes, call DFTW the next day 
