Blended family issue, advice needed

[ncneighbor]

They can run that high if you are booking very very last minute (which we had to do waiting for DSSs mom to cover her end and then having to purchase flex tickets and additional insurance after the fact since she's changing her mind so much). They also fly out of a small remote airport and have to change planes at a more major one. Drivng DSS to the larger airport has not ever been "an option" to DSSs mom so theres an extra expense too.

Just another 2 cents, as my brother had a similar situation (although not as bad) while he was in the Navy.

Since the major issue seems to be the high expense of transportation and extras, NOT the actual child support payment and I agree with some of the PP's that you could lose any goodwill remaining and spent a lot of money on a court visit here are my thoughts ...:


I definitely recommend seeing an attorney, at least for consultation. Could you go through an attorney to get an agreement with DH's ex that you will agree to pay full transportation (you already are anyway apparently) IF she will agree to drive SS to a major airport and give x days notice? In other words, in exchange for you paying all transportation costs SHE bears the responsibility to minimize the cost. Then you have it in writing if a court visit is necessary later. It might not have to be court or nothing at this point.

IMO, I would have tranportation issue be totally separate from any other extras. Maybe you could let DSS know you will send him gift cards home for new school clothes, and then that should be all you need to send for clothes over and above child support.

Any major others, like braces or other examples given by pp's could be paid directly to the provider upon receipt of a total bill. That way, Ex could not inflate cost and say you were paying half when in reality you were paying the whole thing and you may be able to make payments instead of paying one lump sum.

The minors, like sports equipment, either have her pay upfront and send you the receipts for reimbursement, or have him send you the info on where the equipment can be bought. Most retailers have an online presence where you can order and pay online but pick up at your local store. This might be an option that could work for the same half/whole cost scenario.

For the cs issue while ss is with you, what my brother did for his son and daughter was have the court determine that he did not need to pay support for the 2 months the kids were with him. He then had allotments made, with the courts agreement, that divided the 10 months of support into 12 equal payments. That allowed ex to have a consistent amount all year, and my brother was able to set some aside for special events during their visit. But that would require going to court to amend the order and only you can decide if its worth it.

(Just as an interesting aside, my brothers ex was counting on his money as lifestyle sustainment, and it really aggravated him, so when his daughter turned 18 and went to college, he continued to pay support but to directly to HER and not his Ex ) Very hard for ex to justify why SHE should have the money for daughter when the child in question in living in a dorm on a college campus.

As for the Disney trip, from one of your earlier posts said he knew you were going and was more excited for his own trip than yours, that lets you "off the hook" in my book. If any other family member has issues with fairness, just remind them that only you and your DH know everything that goes on with your relationship with your DSS, and all of you are fine with how things are.

Or, as I would do, the next time DH's parents say "I see you bought DD a rocking horse, did you send an equal amount to SS?" I would have DH say, "Not this time, but I didnt go out and buy DD a new wardrobe last time I sent DS money for (insert any extra that is not clothes or plane ticket here) either"


I agree with the pp that said Fair is not equal, and equal is not fair. You do what you can do, the best way you can do it, and hope for the best. My DH and are together, and have 2 young teen sons at home. Sometimes one gets something extra, sometimes the other, and sometimes both. But we all have to believe that it balances out in the end.

Sorry this was so long, but I hope you can get some ideas out of it.
Beth.

 

[TinkerBelle920]

Well this is a long crazy thread as so many dealing with stepparenting issues tend to be. I myself am a stepmother and I also have a child of my own so I know where you are coming from. I always said my child would not be held back because of his brother's situation. However we believe family vacations include the entire family so if we cannot afford to take my stepson then we cannot afford the vacation. I do think if you can afford to take your own child you should save until you have enough to take the step child as well. Is the Mom a complete lowlife for not paying for her child to go it should like she is but I would feel bad for the little guy if he could not join in the vacation because of his mom and her financial decisions. There are cases however where I feel that I would travel without my stepson which is if his Mom was just not allowing him to go for selfish reasons (this happens a lot with us she's a real piece of work and often doesn't allow him to do things because of her own spite). But that is something we cannot control. In that situation my husband and I both agree we do not want our own kids to miss out because their brothers Mom is crazy. But I do think it's different when it's a financial issue I think you should be willing to pay for him even if the Mom is not covering because that is something you can plan for and control. Stepparenting is very hard so I completely get where you are coming from not wanting your child to be held back but I think if you could just wait a little longer and save a little more then you could all go together. This would be best for the whole family! Screw the birth mom for not doing her part as a parent. If you do the right thing the child will know that. Just think of the amazing memories he will have from a Disney trip as a family

 

[North of Mouse]

Well this is a long crazy thread as so many dealing with stepparenting issues tend to be. I myself am a stepmother and I also have a child of my own so I know where you are coming from. I always said my child would not be held back because of his brother's situation. However we believe family vacations include the entire family so if we cannot afford to take my stepson then we cannot afford the vacation. I do think if you can afford to take your own child you should save until you have enough to take the step child as well. Is the Mom a complete lowlife for not paying for her child to go it should like she is but I would feel bad for the little guy if he could not join in the vacation because of his mom and her financial decisions. There are cases however where I feel that I would travel without my stepson which is if his Mom was just not allowing him to go for selfish reasons (this happens a lot with us she's a real piece of work and often doesn't allow him to do things because of her own spite). But that is something we cannot control. In that situation my husband and I both agree we do not want our own kids to miss out because their brothers Mom is crazy. But I do think it's different when it's a financial issue I think you should be willing to pay for him even if the Mom is not covering because that is something you can plan for and control. Stepparenting is very hard so I completely get where you are coming from not wanting your child to be held back but I think if you could just wait a little longer and save a little more then you could all go together. This would be best for the whole family! Screw the birth mom for not doing her part as a parent. If you do the right thing the child will know that. Just think of the amazing memories he will have from a Disney trip as a family

Here, we go again. No, the OP & DH should not have to postpone any trips they want to take with their daughter ( and by the way her dss is NOT a little guy, but 13 years old) He is not going to forget her kindness to him just because he isn't around to go on every trip they take sheesh, y'all, please give her a break

 

[disykat]

Here, we go again. No, the OP & DH should not have to postpone any trips they want to take with their daughter ( and by the way her dss is NOT a little guy, but 13 years old) He is not going to forget her kindness to him just because he isn't around to go on every trip they take sheesh, y'all, please give her a break

I don't think anyone has said they can't go on ANY trips without dss. The point many of us are making is that choosing to plan her more expensive trips when dss isn't with them simply to save money could be hurtful to dss.

Surely you can see how "I want to take dd to WDW, but don't want to pay for a ticket for dss so it's only feasible to go when we don't have him" could be hurtful IF (and it sounds like a big if, but they won't know if they don't ask) that is somewhere dss would like to go.

 

[cheermom1]

I don't think anyone has said they can't go on ANY trips without dss. The point many of us are making is that choosing to plan her more expensive trips when dss isn't with them simply to save money could be hurtful to dss.

Surely you can see how "I want to take dd to WDW, but don't want to pay for a ticket for dss" could be hurtful IF (and it sounds like a big if, but they won't know if they don't ask) that is somewhere dss would like to go.

Again it 'sI not about not wanting to take him. She said it was about ss's mom and her family that is showing a fit about them not taking him on this past to while ss was on a ski trip. There was no reason they can't take their DD to Disney at the same time ss is on a trip himself. That is what most if this is about. She is not saying I want toke DD but not ss. She just simply said she has to save the money for that which will take longer and explained why.

 

[DisneyMomma81]

Ok so you wanted her dh to become unemployed and therefore unable to support the child?? What sense does that make??

OP, please than your dh for his service.

Nope ~ employed someplace else, close to his son. My kids dad now has an awesome civilian job thanks to his time spent in the military.

 

[Angel Ariel]

Nope ~ employed someplace else, close to his son. My kids dad now has an awesome civilian job thanks to his time spent in the military.

That's not always possible. There are thousands of military members being forced out right now because of budget cutbacks and manning restraints. Out of many many applications for civilian jobs that my DH sent out after being force out last year, he only got 2 interviews. Thankfully he ended up getting the second job. We waited for months to hear whether the job was finally his. In all that time he was still applying for other jobs, and he never heard back from any of them.

The decline in the economy combined with the huge number of MMs entering the civilian system, jobs aren't easy to come by anymore.

 

[North of Mouse]

This is your opinion you speak it as if it is fact. The OP came on here to ask advise about the situation. Are you a stepparent yourself? I never in my comment said anything rude to her at all in fact I said I completely understood what she was going through. No one said that she has to take her stepchild on every trip with her this was asked in regards to a specific Disney trip and I gave my honest response. I am not sure who you think you are jumping all over people acting as if your opinion is the only opinion to be had. And in regards to him not being a little guy I was aware that he is 13 my SS is 11 and they are still children. I still think he would enjoy being able to take the trip as part of their family to Disney. And no one said he will forget her kindness for other things because of this one trip. What is sad to me is that people like you have nothing better to do than troll the boards all day and post rude replies to others opinions. Get a life!

Trolling the boards all day is new one to me - maybe you should get a life . I was and am supportive of the OP as this was her feelings also, that she was already going far and beyond what a lot of step parents do for their SC. Having a SC that lives across the country and is treated as nicely as this one is treated should not run their lives or have a say in when, or how they vacation. They treat him very nicely when he is there and lest you have forgotten, he has his own vacations with his mom also. And how is your opinion any better than anyone else? So, if you think it is sad that we have differing opinions, sorry, but that is the way life is - get used to it. Go back and read some of my posts and the OP's replies. Is she upset with me? Don't think so, so why are you so bent out of shape? Now, that's whats By the way, you said in your post, "I believe" it should be such & such. I also "believe" and stand by the OP.

 

[zippnzena]

Everyone should read this.....This is from another site that she posts on and this is what she really thinks about her step-son. I am not related to her or her step-son however, I was selling her a horse here in Florida, she did not finish paying for it, took it to Arizona and sold it, I hired an attorney is Arizona to find her and the horse to no avail but now know that she is back in Florida so Sylvia, legal papers will be coming your way.
Here is her Post........................
SS help needed! Might DD later
I have some serious issues with SS and would like some advice. I might DD this later, as I suspect I have some family members that frequent the site.
My SS is about to be 13 and things are a bit out of control as of recently. He's always been kind of rough with the animals but in the past 6 months or so it has turned into downright abuse, he's very very cruel, especially to the kitten. He will pick him up by the tail/leg/ears, smack him around, kick him, put him under a pillow and sit on him, lock him in the fridge, etc. and think all of this is funny.
We are constantly reprimanding him and I feel like I repeat myself about 300 times a day telling him to leave the cat alone.
He's ok with my dogs (pit mixes) but I suspect that being more out of "oh that dog could hurt me if he wanted to" than anything else.
DH told he he used to catch him kicking his dogs frequently when he was younger. Up until recently I thought the animal abuse was a new thing but apparently it has been going on for a while.

What is really scary to me is that he has no remorse for what he does. The kitten will be screeching in pain and he still won't let go of him until we say so. He's got scratches and bite marks all over his arms and hands, from a pretty docile kitten (me and DH never get scratched by him, ever).
Multiple of DHs friends have witnessed him abusing the kitten and have said something to him and to us about it. DH knows there is any issue and he corrects the behaviour when it happens but alot of times DH doesn't see it or is at work when it happens. This seems to be intentional by SS.

We had another cat get really sick a few months ago and he deteriorated pretty quickly and we tried everything to save him but couldn't. SSs only comment was that the weekend sucked because we had to "deal with the stupid cat dying"...this was a cat we had for a while and SS supposedly loved. No sadness, no nothing.
He is allowed a BB gun at his grandparents house and constantly comes him with graphic stories of him shooting birds and rabbits (his grandfather is ok with this apparently, which makes me sick in itself) and tells us in detail how the animal bled, flopped around and that he had to "stomp on its head" to finally kill it. All that without any apparent feeling, he seems to think these things are funny. Pretty sickening.
We just had DD a little over 4 months ago and I'm not sure if that has anything to do with him lashing out more. We do A LOT with him on the weekends, he's always included in everything that has to do with DD and we make sure DH has a good amount of alone time with him also.

 

[chloelovesdisney]

 

[cheermom1]

Everyone should read this.....This is from another site that she posts on and this is what she really thinks about her step-son. I am not related to her or her step-son however, I was selling her a horse here in Florida, she did not finish paying for it, took it to Arizona and sold it, I hired an attorney is Arizona to find her and the horse to no avail but now know that she is back in Florida so Sylvia, legal papers will be coming your way.
Here is her Post........................
SS help needed! Might DD later
I have some serious issues with SS and would like some advice. I might DD this later, as I suspect I have some family members that frequent the site.
My SS is about to be 13 and things are a bit out of control as of recently. He's always been kind of rough with the animals but in the past 6 months or so it has turned into downright abuse, he's very very cruel, especially to the kitten. He will pick him up by the tail/leg/ears, smack him around, kick him, put him under a pillow and sit on him, lock him in the fridge, etc. and think all of this is funny.
We are constantly reprimanding him and I feel like I repeat myself about 300 times a day telling him to leave the cat alone.
He's ok with my dogs (pit mixes) but I suspect that being more out of "oh that dog could hurt me if he wanted to" than anything else.
DH told he he used to catch him kicking his dogs frequently when he was younger. Up until recently I thought the animal abuse was a new thing but apparently it has been going on for a while.

What is really scary to me is that he has no remorse for what he does. The kitten will be screeching in pain and he still won't let go of him until we say so. He's got scratches and bite marks all over his arms and hands, from a pretty docile kitten (me and DH never get scratched by him, ever).
Multiple of DHs friends have witnessed him abusing the kitten and have said something to him and to us about it. DH knows there is any issue and he corrects the behaviour when it happens but alot of times DH doesn't see it or is at work when it happens. This seems to be intentional by SS.

We had another cat get really sick a few months ago and he deteriorated pretty quickly and we tried everything to save him but couldn't. SSs only comment was that the weekend sucked because we had to "deal with the stupid cat dying"...this was a cat we had for a while and SS supposedly loved. No sadness, no nothing.
He is allowed a BB gun at his grandparents house and constantly comes him with graphic stories of him shooting birds and rabbits (his grandfather is ok with this apparently, which makes me sick in itself) and tells us in detail how the animal bled, flopped around and that he had to "stomp on its head" to finally kill it. All that without any apparent feeling, he seems to think these things are funny. Pretty sickening.
We just had DD a little over 4 months ago and I'm not sure if that has anything to do with him lashing out more. We do A LOT with him on the weekends, he's always included in everything that has to do with DD and we make sure DH has a good amount of alone time with him also.

Ok first how do we really know this is the same person?? Second she never said anything on her feels about the boy she only stated what he has done. That was it. So why are you stirring this up? And I know that if there was a kid that I know that did the things she is saying I would not be happy either? I sure hope you wouldn't either. Those things are cruel.

 

[Skywalker]

If both had a child of your own that was 13 and also had a 1 year old, would you leave the 13 year old and take the one year old to Disney? It should be veiwed the same way. I'm sure it hurt his feelings that his dad took his new family to Disney but not him.

I agree with Megs on this. If you had 2 children you wouldn't just tell one "sorry can't afford you" and leave them behind.

And the rest of what you say is pretty much that you and your husband work hard and are noble and loving, while the mom is a lazy, money-grubbing manipulator (stop me if you've heard this one before) and you consider the son part of your family...but not REALLY.

I know you said he didn't mind you going to Disney without him, but not everyone is upfront with their feelings of hurt and sadness, grown adults never mind 13 year old boys can't always express themselves in that kind of way.

Then you say you are bothered that your family thinks things have to be even between them, but you sure are mentioning a lot what he gets to do with his other family and you seem to think it should be even for your daughter.

Sorry, I just feel bad for him.

 

[Wadecool]

Wow, this thread was getting pretty juicy already and now alleged horse thievery....

 

[robinb]

Wow, this thread was getting pretty juicy already and now alleged horse thievery....

I know, right? (To quote my 12-year old .)

I do have to say that if the OP is the OP on The Bump thread (and it looks like it might be from the similar background and the writing style) she has a lot more on her plate than how much money she's paying to the ex.

ETA: The post shared by our new "friend" zippnzena was originally on a website called "The Bump" which is a pregnancy related forum. It wasn't on one of the fun "bump" threads here on the DIS. Sorry that wasn't clear!

 

[DisneyMomma81]

That's not always possible. There are thousands of military members being forced out right now because of budget cutbacks and manning restraints. Out of many many applications for civilian jobs that my DH sent out after being force out last year, he only got 2 interviews. Thankfully he ended up getting the second job. We waited for months to hear whether the job was finally his. In all that time he was still applying for other jobs, and he never heard back from any of them.

The decline in the economy combined with the huge number of MMs entering the civilian system, jobs aren't easy to come by anymore.

IMO he should of done so years ago, when he learned of his son, he is 13.

 

[Angel Ariel]

IMO he should of done so years ago, when he learned of his son, he is 13.

Hindsight is 20/20. You're taking the opinion that it would have been easy for him to get a job after getting out of the military - even 10 years ago that may not have been the case. It's great that it worked out that way for your children's father, but that doesn't mean it's a given that this woman's husband would have been able to do the same.

The man chose to keep a steady, dependable job so that he could provide for his son that the mother didn't see fit to tell him existed for 3 years. It sucks that it keeps them on opposite sides of the country right now, but - quite frankly - the OP's DH isn't the only military father in that situation (even where the mother and father are still married). By your line of thinking, is seems as though all of those parents are "in the wrong." I disagree. It's not ideal, obviously, but it doesn't make someone a horrible parent.

 

[usarmywife84]

I've deleted my posts based on how ridiculous and attacking this thread has gotten thus far.
I appreciate everyones opinions but I do not think it had to get out of hand like this. I probably won't be posting here much after this.

As far as the person claiming I took a horse out of her possession, not quite sure who she is mistaking me with and I have no idea how this relates to the issue at hand lol

 

[Wadecool]

I've deleted my posts based on how ridiculous and attacking this thread has gotten thus far.
I appreciate everyones opinions but I do not think it had to get out of hand like this. I probably won't be posting here much after this.

As far as the person claiming I took a horse out of her possession, not quite sure who she is mistaking me with and I have no idea how this relates to the issue at hand lol

Actually, most of your previous posts are still here. When someone quotes you, it cannot be deleted. Since you asked for advice and didn't like the responses you received, nevermind the DIS, the Internet in general may not be the best place for you to bring issues.

It's good to know you aren't Sylvia, the alleged horse thief. I have a feeling that lady whoever she is has a world of hurt coming down on her.

 

[North of Mouse]

Me thinketh now I might be smelling a rat!! After the post about the horse issue all of a sudden she wants to be far, far away from this. Hope I'm not right, but the posts are not "just getting out of hand" as she puts it until "the post" about her alleged past. Let it not be true, I was really feeling so bad for her

 

[arihillfarm]

Me thinketh now I might be smelling a rat!! After the post about the horse issue all of a sudden she wants to be far, far away from this. Hope I'm not right, but the posts are not "just getting out of hand" as she puts it until "the post" about her alleged past. Let it not be true, I was really feeling so bad for her

I wouldn't be so quick to assume that she is the horse thief. That post about the 13 year old stepson that abuses the animals makes it sound like that stepson is with the father and stepmother quite frequently. Weekends were even mentioned. I was under the impression that the OP's stepson lived far enough away that he had to fly to visit them, which I'm sure means he isn't visiting just for a weekend.

-Astrid