WWYD...Sister's Wedding

[gina2000]

You need to grow up. It's one day and it's not your day. You're not paying for it, you're invited to it. If you choose not to go, you will damage your already shaky relationship with your sister. She may not be the smartest, most mature, or least spoiled person you know, but she IS your sister. And as the eldest, you need to act like the eldest, put your big girl panties on, smile, and go to the wedding without your daughter. If you don't, your sister may never move past this and I wouldn't blame her.

Your daughter will move past this when you do. So for your daughter's sake buck up, accept what you cannot and should not try to change, and do the right thing. Your daughter needs the stability of a normal family relationship, not the drama of a day's disappointment to cloud her closest relationships.

This isn't rocket science, this isn't the life or death brigade, it's a wedding. It's a day that will be put to rest like the 20,000 or so you have already witnessed. So stop the dramatics and move on. Your family will thank you for it.

 

[woodkins]

You need to grow up. It's one day and it's not your day. You're not paying for it, you're invited to it. If you choose not to go, you will damage your already shaky relationship with your sister. She may not be the smartest, most mature, or least spoiled person you know, but she IS your sister. And as the eldest, you need to act like the eldest, put your big girl panties on, smile, and go to the wedding without your daughter. If you don't, your sister may never move past this and I wouldn't blame her. Your daughter will move past this when you do. So for your daughter's sake buck up, accept what you cannot and should not try to change, and do the right thing. Your daughter needs the stability of a normal family relationship, not the drama of a day's disappointment to cloud her closest relationships.

This isn't rocket science, this isn't the life or death brigade, it's a wedding. It's a day that will be put to rest like the 20,000 or so you have already witnessed. So stop the dramatics and move on. Your family will thank you for it.

So let me get this straight...my daughter will get past this, but my sister may not?
I don't HAVE to do anything. My sister has not treated me so "closely" in the past, so I'm certainly not going to put her feelings over those of my daughter and myself.
When my daughter found out she was not invited she cried asking me why her aunt doesn't love her enought for her to be invited, she said she is a part of the family and loves her aunt. She was in the bridal party and invited to my brother's wedding a few months ago so she cannot understand the difference: to her a family wedding is a family wedding (she's definitely my kid ). When we tried to explain the "no kids allowed" rule she cannot understand why one wedding had them and one not. She is devastated to say the least. She is hurt by her only aunt and godmother and doesn't understand why she doesn't want her there just because of how old she is.

 

[OwlDisneyGirl]

Why does everyone keep saying how terrible this is to do to the bride? It's her day she can have it her way etc. Well, she can have it any way that she would like that is true- however- an invitation is just that- an invite. Not a command performance. I totally side with the OP but even if I didn't I still think she can decide if she wants to go or not. Why is it okay if the OP's feelings are hurt bit God forbid little miss bride gets upset! The horror! Just because she wants her wedding a certain way and other people don't want to jump on that bandwagon doesn't make their feelings any less valid. What if the sister planned a destination wedding and the OP couldn't afford to go and her sister was mad? Same thing. You can plan what you want but that doesn't mean everyone has to do cartwheels over your decision.

And I think this is where those of us who disagree on what the bride should or shouldn't do can agree. It's up to OP whether or not she attends. If she has such strong feelings about this, then she should do what feels right for her and her family (DH, herself and DD) and move on.

As we can see, whatever decision OP makes, we could have another 10 pages on I'm sure!

 

[brymolmom]

So let me get this straight...my daughter will get past this, but my sister may not?
I don't HAVE to do anything. My sister has not treated me so "closely" in the past, so I'm certainly not going to put her feelings over those of my daughter and myself.
When my daughter found out she was not invited she cried asking me why her aunt doesn't love her enought for her to be invited, she said she is a part of the family and loves her aunt. She was in the bridal party and invited to my brother's wedding a few months ago so she cannot understand the difference: to her a family wedding is a family wedding (she's definitely my kid ). When we tried to explain the "no kids allowed" rule she cannot understand why one wedding had them and one not. She is devastated to say the least. She is hurt by her only aunt and godmother and doesn't understand why she doesn't want her there just because of how old she is.

A great teaching moment for a classic mom line 'Life's not fair.'

No, but seriously, it shouldn't really be difficult for a 9 year old to get it - some parties are adult and some parties are family. This one happens to be adult. I can see her being a sad...but I can't see her not getting it.

And yes, I'm betting that months or years from now (or perhaps even hours if you offer a more fun-filled alternative like her bff's house for a sleepover), your dd will get over it - as she will grow into an adult and understand even more that adult time is different than family time. She might still not agree with the decision and she might want to invite kids to her own wedding - but I would guess she will grow to understand it.

Having my sister intentionally skip my wedding because I'm not having exactly the party she feels is proper and right - nope, I don't think anyone would get over that.

 

[wed100105]

So let me get this straight...my daughter will get past this, but my sister may not?
I don't HAVE to do anything. My sister has not treated me so "closely" in the past, so I'm certainly not going to put her feelings over those of my daughter and myself.
When my daughter found out she was not invited she cried asking me why her aunt doesn't love her enought for her to be invited, she said she is a part of the family and loves her aunt. She was in the bridal party and invited to my brother's wedding a few months ago so she cannot understand the difference: to her a family wedding is a family wedding (she's definitely my kid ). When we tried to explain the "no kids allowed" rule she cannot understand why one wedding had them and one not. She is devastated to say the least. She is hurt by her only aunt and godmother and doesn't understand why she doesn't want her there just because of how old she is.

(((HUGS)))

When I read your first post I thought how rude of your sister to not invite your DD. Then I read all the other posts and can truly see why some people feel the same as your sister. Kudos to your sister for sticking to what she wants. All too often we don't do that and end up unhappy with our decisions. Kudos to you, too, for sticking to what you believe especially because some of the posts here are rather bashing you.

Personally, I think maybe your sister asked DD to be a part of the ceremony to include her. It's a way for her to feel special and a part of her aunt's day. I'd take it as a peace offering, let DD participate, and then honor your sister's wish and get a babysitter. Then I'd go have a great dinner--on your mom and dad!

Seriously though, I do know how you feel about younger siblings. I'm the oldest and my parents had much higher and tougher expectations for me.

 

[woodkins]

(((HUGS)))

When I read your first post I thought how rude of your sister to not invite your DD. Then I read all the other posts and can truly see why some people feel the same as your sister. Kudos to your sister for sticking to what she wants. All too often we don't do that and end up unhappy with our decisions. Kudos to you, too, for sticking to what you believe especially because some of the posts here are rather bashing you.

Personally, I think maybe your sister asked DD to be a part of the ceremony to include her. It's a way for her to feel special and a part of her aunt's day. I'd take it as a peace offering, let DD participate, and then honor your sister's wish and get a babysitter. Then I'd go have a great dinner--on your mom and dad!

Seriously though, I do know how you feel about younger siblings. I'm the oldest and my parents had much higher and tougher expectations for me.

DSis told me she was "willing" to have her pass out the booklets or bubbles "since I wanted her to be a part of the wedding" me not her...meaning to me she couldn't care less if dd is included or not.

Having dd attend the church but not the reception is logistically impossible. The church and reception location are about an hour away from my home. None of our babysitters we use drive and the one that does is 18 and I am not letting an 18yr old drive my daughter on the Long Island Expressway in rush hour. It is literally an all or nothing situation for me. As others have stated I "need to suck it up"...and as the oldest I always suck it up and do the right thing so to speak. Dsis chose not to come to my dd's first communion and party afterwards (communions are like weddings here) because she was asked to babysit a neighbors toddler. She knew about the communion date 5 mos in advance so there was no excuse in my book. DD & I were both hurt over her choice but "sucked it up" as others have said. She obviously to me doesn't care too much about my dd or me so I am fine with her being unhappy with my decision as well.

I am in 100% disagreement with her decision to exclude her neice & I do feel strongly enough that if my family chooses to disown me over it I am fine with that decision.

 

[Mkrop]

I completely understand when my children aren't invited to weddings, however, if my sister didn't invite my kids, I wouldn't go. I think that close of a family member should include her only niece (and groom's nephew.) I would be very upset if my kids were excluded from an immediate family event.

I agree with this my kids dont go to all weddings but if my siblings were getting married I would be incerdibly hurt if they did not invite my children.

I think familiy dynamics are very different. Some families are very tight and some are just not as close.

Why does everyone keep saying how terrible this is to do to the bride? It's her day she can have it her way etc. Well, she can have it any way that she would like that is true- however- an invitation is just that- an invite. Not a command performance. I totally side with the OP but even if I didn't I still think she can decide if she wants to go or not. Why is it okay if the OP's feelings are hurt bit God forbid little miss bride gets upset! The horror! Just because she wants her wedding a certain way and other people don't want to jump on that bandwagon doesn't make their feelings any less valid. What if the sister planned a destination wedding and the OP couldn't afford to go and her sister was mad? Same thing. You can plan what you want but that doesn't mean everyone has to do cartwheels over your decision.

I agree with this as well. OP can make any decision she chooses

And as far as kids being bored at weddings, my kids are the only kids in our family right now, but they recently had a blast at my brother's wedding. DS12 and DS7 were the only kids there. I brought their video games thinking they might be bored. They played them for a little while but they spent more time on the dance floor, dancing the night away.

 

[DisneyMomx7]

So let me get this straight...my daughter will get past this, but my sister may not?
I don't HAVE to do anything. My sister has not treated me so "closely" in the past, so I'm certainly not going to put her feelings over those of my daughter and myself.
When my daughter found out she was not invited she cried asking me why her aunt doesn't love her enought for her to be invited, she said she is a part of the family and loves her aunt. She was in the bridal party and invited to my brother's wedding a few months ago so she cannot understand the difference: to her a family wedding is a family wedding (she's definitely my kid ). When we tried to explain the "no kids allowed" rule she cannot understand why one wedding had them and one not. She is devastated to say the least. She is hurt by her only aunt and godmother and doesn't understand why she doesn't want her there just because of how old she is.

For goodness sake - either just attend the wedding with your dd and both of you skip the reception or take the time to explain to your dd that there are lots of times when wedding receptions are for adults only. Explain to her that every bride makes her own decisions about HER wedding and just because she was invited to one reception doesn't mean that all wedding receptions have children attending. I'm sure she's picking up on your feelings, I can't imagine a 9 year old crying over not being able to attend a wedding receptions when there won't be any other children there anyway.

 

[pixiewings71]

OP go to the wedding, but don't be IN the wedding, just be a guest. After the ceremony tell your sister she was beautiful and take your DD and go to a nice dinner the 2 of you. That way your sister can't say you slighted her and you and DD can both see her on her big day.

FWIW I do NOT believe AT ALL that weddings are "adult parties". Weddings are family affairs and as such I absolutely think the OP's DD should be included. If they want an "adult party" they can do that at the reception. Which it sounds like they want to do.

 

[krcit]

Looking for outside opinions. I am the oldest of 4 siblings. My youngest sister will be getting married next Aug ('11). My brother was married this past Feb and my 7 yr old dd was a jr. bridesmaid in the wedding, attended the reception etc. My dd is the only niece/nephew on our side of the family & the groom has one nephew who will be 12 at the time of the wedding.

We are from Long Island, NY and weddings are big affairs here. My mother informed me that my daughter will not be invited to the reception for my sister's wedding. She stated there would be "no children". My dd will be 9 yrs old at the time of the wedding. She will be "allowed" at the church, but not to the reception.

If you were me: the oldest sister & mother of a 9yr old niece of the bride...how would you feel, what would you do?

I guess I just don't understand why you are looking for outside opinions You feel how you feel and you are obviously not going to rethink things so what was the point? The wedding is over a year away. I hope you don't spend that year harboring this resentment.

 

[Scurvy]

I am in 100% disagreement with her decision to exclude her neice & I do feel strongly enough that if my family chooses to disown me over it I am fine with that decision.

Then you definitely shouldn't go to her wedding or her wedding reception.

No, but seriously, it shouldn't really be difficult for a 9 year old to get it - some parties are adult and some parties are family. This one happens to be adult. I can see her being a sad...but I can't see her not getting it.

I agree. I don't think there's a normal 9 year old out there who couldn't grasp the concept that not all parties are for kids. They may not like that fact, but they can understand it. But in this case, it sounds like the OP is just as upset as her daughter, if not more upset, and that it's based not only on this wedding but also on all sorts of family history. And that's fine, OP - you have a right to your feelings. But obviously not everyone would feel the same, as evidenced by all the different responses to your original question of "WWYD". And I agree with krcit - it doesn't really sound like you were interested in considering outside opinions at all, unless they agreed with you. And since I can't, I think it's time for me to bow out.

 

[gina2000]

So let me get this straight...my daughter will get past this, but my sister may not?
I don't HAVE to do anything. My sister has not treated me so "closely" in the past, so I'm certainly not going to put her feelings over those of my daughter and myself.
When my daughter found out she was not invited she cried asking me why her aunt doesn't love her enought for her to be invited, she said she is a part of the family and loves her aunt. She was in the bridal party and invited to my brother's wedding a few months ago so she cannot understand the difference: to her a family wedding is a family wedding (she's definitely my kid ). When we tried to explain the "no kids allowed" rule she cannot understand why one wedding had them and one not. She is devastated to say the least. She is hurt by her only aunt and godmother and doesn't understand why she doesn't want her there just because of how old she is.

Yes, your daughter will get past this and you want to know why? Because you are a classy lady who will behave with decorum and explain to her that while this is not a decision you understand and believe is correct, you will keep family harmony and be the better person because you know that this is the right thing to do. You can follow that up with when she grows up and can make decisions about her life, she should remember those around her and make decisions based on others' expectations, not just her own. That will be a future, personal decision on her part. Your daughter will follow your lead. That's why she will get over this....and learn...and grow up to be the person you would like your sister to be but obviously is not.

It's not about who gets over it....it's about what YOU teach YOUR daughter about expectations, disapointment, and handling oneself when you have no control over a situation.

 

[woodkins]

For goodness sake - either just attend the wedding with your dd and both of you skip the reception or take the time to explain to your dd that there are lots of times when wedding receptions are for adults only. Explain to her that every bride makes her own decisions about HER wedding and just because she was invited to one reception doesn't mean that all wedding receptions have children attending. I'm sure she's picking up on your feelings, I can't imagine a 9 year old crying over not being able to attend a wedding receptions when there won't be any other children there anyway.

She did cry over it, she still asks if her aunt is going to change her mind about it. She wants to go because she wants to be a part of the family celebration and she just WAS a part of my brother's wedding 4 months ago. Lots of 9 yr old girls would jump at the chance to wear a pretty dress and go to a "fancy" wedding and reception, not because there would be other kids there but because it is something different, exciting an obviously important to the other people in her family.

 

[sk!mom]

I'd go and enjoy a wonderful relaxing kid free night! I wouldn't be offended. Nine is plenty old enough to understand that some parties are for adults only. I think that your DD is likely upset because you are. It's fine for her to be disappointed. We often are in life and it's our job as parents to help our children handle life's disappointments. To my mind this is a pretty small one.

I would likely try to plan a fun evening for my DD while DH and I attended the reception. Maybe arrange a sleepover at a friends.

I, also, have to agree with those who told stories of kids ruining weddings and receptions. I've been to several where the dance floor was taken over by rowdy kids whose parents didn't seem to notice.

 

[sk!mom]

Also forgot to add this info...she is more than welcome to attend the church/mass (where she is free $$ to attend)...in fact my sister told my mom she wants dd to hand out the booklets or bubbles. So it isn't an issue of behavior, disruptions etc. She is more than welcome to attend the hour long serious, quiet Roman Catholic mass, just not the party that follows.

As an interesting side note: every person who I have discussed the wedding with first asks what role in the bridal party dd has, then when I tell them none, that she is not being invited they are all SHOCKED! It is interesting to see others points of view on it.

Sorry, but I think you're just trying to stir up trouble. You're telling people that she's not invited- when she is. It seems like you're offended about a couple of things, DD not included in wedding party, a no kids reception.

Are you and your sister close? It seems that maybe there are other issues.

 

[declansdad]

It is your sister and future BIL's wedding; if they don't want kids at the wedding, respect their decision and hire a baby-sitter.

 

[declansdad]

I think weddings are family affairs and that includes kids. At mine, one of my oldest friends little ones "chattered" all the way through the ceremony and it was a completely happy sound I loved it!! At the reception, all of the kids danced and played and had a wonderful time. I can't imagine the day without them. My DSIL and DB had a "no kids" wedding- too disruptive, too expensive for food uneaten, etc. Now they have a kid and he's been in two weddings that I know of and they drag him to every one they go to- It just kills me how things change once you have your own Your sister is being a jerk but I imagine unless you totally want to skip it- you will have to put up with it. Hang in there girl

Not your wedding, the sister is asking for no kids and that is her prerogative. That is far from being a jerk.

 

[Luvchefmic]

DSis told me she was "willing" to have her pass out the booklets or bubbles "since I wanted her to be a part of the wedding" me not her...meaning to me she couldn't care less if dd is included or not.

Having dd attend the church but not the reception is logistically impossible. The church and reception location are about an hour away from my home. None of our babysitters we use drive and the one that does is 18 and I am not letting an 18yr old drive my daughter on the Long Island Expressway in rush hour. It is literally an all or nothing situation for me. As others have stated I "need to suck it up"...and as the oldest I always suck it up and do the right thing so to speak. Dsis chose not to come to my dd's first communion and party afterwards (communions are like weddings here) because she was asked to babysit a neighbors toddler. She knew about the communion date 5 mos in advance so there was no excuse in my book. DD & I were both hurt over her choice but "sucked it up" as others have said. She obviously to me doesn't care too much about my dd or me so I am fine with her being unhappy with my decision as well.

I am in 100% disagreement with her decision to exclude her neice & I do feel strongly enough that if my family chooses to disown me over it I am fine with that decision.

Seems like you made your decision so all I have to add is this.....(formerly being from LI and knowing all too well the LIE) either you DH & DD go to the church & then home or continue traveling and go for dinner in NYC or further out east depending on where the church is...whatever....because the other option of DD staying home for everything no longer seems to be an option

JMHO

 

[mickeywho?]

Has your sister talked to you about this at all...or is it just messages passed through your mother. I think that would bother me foremost!

 

[declansdad]

The OP stated her daughter is going to be hurt by being excluded from the reception. She is 9 and not some toddler who would be oblivious that she was not invited. OP's sister is likely going to be hurt that the OP would miss her wedding. OP has to choose who she is willing to hurt.

If *I* am weighing the hurt feelings of my daughter and my sister -- my daughter will win. I am "choosing" her. She is my child vs. my sibling. She is a child vs. an adult.

She's nine, she is going to hurt when her favourite cartoon character falls down and hurts themselves. It is the couple's wedding and their wishes should be paramount. It isn't going to damage the child to spend a few hours with a baby-sitter while the adults attend the reception.