Went to Family Day yesterday for an update concerned and confused

[Mickeyistheman]

Hello Everyone,

My brother is a Marine and is in Iraq right now, its been 6 days since we have heard from him and well its been tough.

Yesterday at his base they had another Family Day for us all to come and get the correct address to send him packages and letters since his Unit is now split up in 2 and just to let us know what our Marines are going through.

They talked alot about how he is going to change when he gets back etc. Also the Chaplain spoke about suicide and that bothered me a lot.

Reality has definately set in at this point. We have all come to conclusion that even if one of the Grandmas do pass on (which could happen) we are not going to tell him. We know he has a mission to complete and do not want him to feel that he is too far away and can't do anything.

No matter what happens to us here, we are not going to tell him about it, if its bad of course. I don't know how the other Wives, Moms, Sisters, Dad, brothers who have servicemen over there feel about it.

I am just worried about how high the rate of suicide is. And that it mostly happens over there, also when they return home as well.

Trying to stay upbeat today, I did start writing in a Journal to help me deal with things better.

 

[lovemygoofy]

My husband is on his 3rd year long rotation to Iraq. In December he will have served almost 40 months since 2003.

They change and they grow. It is going to happen. Your brother will see alot of things he never dreamed of but that doesn't necessarily mean he can't handle it. You have to have faith in your brother and support him when he is home.

I am going to tell you that I don't agree with the decision to not tell him should something happen to his grandparents or anything else in the family. I know that some families are like this but we aren't one of them. My husband is still my family and he NEEDS to feel part of the family. He mentally NEEDS to know he is missed and wanted and loved and to know what is going on in the family. My life doesn't stop while he is away and he knows things happen. I couldn't imagine not telling him that my Gran(who he loved as much as I did) passed on or that I totaled my car in August. Life does not stop during a deployment and I think making the servicemember still feel part of the family helps them through. On the flip side, I know people that once the soldier is gone they have no communication about life's struggles. He lives in a bubble but was devastated when the man that raised him died(his grandfather) and no one told him until he was home.

I know you aren't going to like hearing this but you(as in your family) cannot constantly be worrying about something you have no control over. Whatever is happening in Iraq is happening. You are going to have to come to the mentality that unless someone is knocking on your door, then it's a good day. That's the harsh bottom line.

The phones right now are all kinds of messed up at least where my husband is. Something to do with the main hub in Kuwait from what I understand. Also, if your brother is traveling, I imagine it's busy and difficult to get the time to call or email(although we all know it takes 3 seconds to say hi, I'm okay and I love you), I've certainly nagged about that enough myself lol.

If you(again you or your family) cannot watch the news, then don't. It could only make your fears worse. Also, if need be maybe something to help keep your family calm isn't out of the question. I know many people that need something to help during the deployment and there is no shame in that.

I understand your fears and worries and they are completely valid. The chaplain's brief about suicide is standard because your family knows your brother the best and would notice any changes in his personality or demeanor that could cause alarm. That is the only reason for the briefing. It's not to try to prepare you for the worst.

 

[Mickeyistheman]

Thank you Lovemygoofy.

We do support my brother 1000% and we do want him to know that. He told us the last time we spoke to only send him what he asks for and nothing extra (he says he is very limited with room) He has always been that way too, if he got something he didnt' ask for his birthday or Christmas he would just take it back haha. He was very simple in his belongings lol.

However things change (Marines Mantra) we are learning that slowly but surely.

We haven't sent him the letters we have written b/c he wasn't sure if he was going to point A or B. We now know he will be in B ( we aren't thrilled about it but at least we know where to send everything)

We do have a box that we have gotten ready. Some others told us yesterday that it takes about 3 weeks to send something there.

We don't watch the news really, I mean we do but if it has ANYTHING to do with Iraq or the like we change the channel. We do watch the news for local things but CNN will really not be watched at all unless it has to do with the election.

My brother is young, he just turned 21 and has become a better man since he became a Marine. However we do worry about him b/c he is sensative. They also told us that Marines don't ask for help, that is just how they are programmed. They told us of things to watch for and that when he returns there is help should he need it.

We just want them all to be safe and come home together. A challenge I have noticed is with my Dad, he keeps calling my brothers cell phone and leaves a message or just listens to his voice, he does it at least once a day and that is fine. I worry come the holidays. My mother really didn't want to celebrate but I told her that we have to live too and he would want us to celebrate even though he isn't with us.

I told her that we should start thinking about sending him a little tree with lights a few decorations for him. Along with some cute presents.

Sorry so long but this has been on my mind since yesterday.

I again thank you for your kind words and honesty, sometimes you need that too even if you don't want to hear it.

 

[Stephanie218]

I am going to tell you that I don't agree with the decision to not tell him should something happen to his grandparents or anything else in the family. I know that some families are like this but we aren't one of them. My husband is still my family and he NEEDS to feel part of the family. He mentally NEEDS to know he is missed and wanted and loved and to know what is going on in the family. My life doesn't stop while he is away and he knows things happen.

I totally agree with this. My husband called today, and I had to tell him that his grandmother was just diagnosed with terminal cancer. There is a chance that she'll pass before he returns. But, even with bad news, he was still happier that I told him rather than being left in the dark. He still feels like a part of the family, even if he is gone.

Everyone is different with the phone calls as well. Some people try to call as often as possible, and some guys honestly don't like talking on the phone over there. My husband just called his parents last week, and he's been over there 2 months already. For whatever reason, he just didn't want to talk to them. So I wouldn't get worried, although it is hard not to sometimes.

Mail is a difficult thing to even try to understand. I have packages that have been mailed out over a month ago that have not yet arrived, but his aunt's package sent last week got there already. Depends on shipments, mail delays, etc...

Glad to hear he's doing well so far in the deployment.

 

[Mickeyistheman]

Well, update everyone!!

Good news he called his girlfriend today and she was so thrilled to hear from him. He reached where he was suppposed to be and he said he was scared but I can't even fathom what he is seeing.

He still says not to send anything unless he tells us too, but we are going to send him some mail so he has some letters at least

We are going to really discuss again about what to tell him and what NOT to tell him.

We are relieved because we know he is where he is supposed to be thank goodness

We are going to start our countdown and be positive and send him lots of love and prayers.

I again thank you all for YOUR support for myself and my family. This is why I love the Dis!!!!!!

 

[ClarabelleCowFan]

Well, update everyone!!

Good news he called his girlfriend today and she was so thrilled to hear from him. He reached where he was suppposed to be and he said he was scared but I can't even fathom what he is seeing.

He still says not to send anything unless he tells us too, but we are going to send him some mail so he has some letters at least

We are going to really discuss again about what to tell him and what NOT to tell him.

We are relieved because we know he is where he is supposed to be thank goodness

We are going to start our countdown and be positive and send him lots of love and prayers.

I again thank you all for YOUR support for myself and my family. This is why I love the Dis!!!!!!

Glad you heard from him!

Has the family asked HIM what he wants to be told? He may resent it if things are kept from him. I can't imagine keeping something as serious as the death of a relative from DH if he deployed.

 

[Mickeyistheman]

The reason we did originally decide not to tell him anything really bad was because while he was away in bootcamp and when he was in 29 Palms as well, his girlfriend got very sick and had to have surgery and he freaked out because he wasn't there. He is very protective and he is very caring, so since he wasn't there he got very upset about it.

That was why we decided to watch what we tell him for that reason. However he knows that life happens and if either Grandma passes, when that time comes we will tell him. A good friend of mine, who is also a Marine but has done his service 4 tours in Iraq. His family didnt' tell him about his Aunts passing he at first was upset but understood why they didn't tell him.

So we are going to play it by ear. 209 days till he comes home.

 

[dbarker]

Just realize that Boot Camp is so much different than being in the Fleet.

While in Boot Camp, they have virtually NO contact w/ the outside world and they know it. They are scared and feel helpless and they know there is nothing they can do about anything. It is a very difficult time for them.

While in the Fleet, even overseas, they are not as helpless and they are not cut off from the world and home like they were in Boot Camp. If one of his Grandmothers passes, he can possibly get an Emergency Leave through the Red Cross to come home. The USMC is all about Family. They understand that family is very important.

Please do not keep your brother in the dark about family matters, especially if someone passes away. It is very important to keep him included in things, especially the important things.

BTW, have you had a chance to join MarineParents.com yet? You will find an awesome support group there w/ lots of info. There is a discussion board and you may find some people you have a lot in common with.

This is a very trying time for your family and your brother. Good luck.

Semper Fi.

 

[Mickeyistheman]

UPDATE!!

My brother had emailed us and said he is doing good. Its weird to him but he feels okay.

He sent us 2 lists one is food haha

The other is supplies. He said to surprise him and send a few things per box because he doesn't have alot of room.

He is going to be able to email more, but he does want Letters etc so I am going to send him some letters. I would think he will get excited over that than just an email.

My mother felt guilty this morning b/c she didn't go to church. I told her that she now has a new job, she works 9-5 and she needs her rest. If you can't go every morning its okay. God will understand and still watch over him.

That was something they had also said at family day that the guilt will come over us like if he calls and we miss his call or if he is online and we aren't but we can't feel guilty. We have to live our lives as well.

207 days to go!