Girl Scout Conflict: Help me approach this tactfully

[Happyinwonerland]

DD 5 is in a mixed-age troop. We have 20 girls, daisies all the way up to cadettes. This is our first year in girl scouts.

As you are probably aware, it is cookie season. We have done a few booths, and the troop leader's 9 year old daughter is at them all, because only the leader and her husband run the booths. Which is fine, except DD feels very unwelcome. This 9 year old is very controlling and seems to think that she is the end all be all cookie authority. If DD tries to put, say, the thin mints next to the smores, she'll push DD aside and say "No, the thin mints go by the peanut butter patties!" Or she tells DD she faced the box the wrong way. Or if a customer tells us what they want, and DD goes to get it for them, she'll push her aside and grab it .

She has made a few comments in front of us like "I wish I could do the booths alone" and "I should get all the credit for the boxes sold since the little kids aren't helping much". It really hurts DDs feeling, and she has cried over it.

I'd like to say something to the troop leader, because the bullying isn't fair, but I don't want to cause conflict. I want girl scouts to be a positive experience for DD and everyone involved.

So, how would you all handle this? If they were the same age I would probably be more hand off, but this is a 9 year old pushing a 5 year old around, and I don't think its a fair match.

Edited to add: Normally this kid is well behaved and plays nicely with dd and the other younger kids, so I think the competition to win the cookie sales prizes is what is driving this behavior.

 

[luvsJack]

So it’s always the leader and her dd and one other kid? That doesn’t sound fair at all! There should be an opportunity for others to sell at booths without the leader. Is there any nice way to volunteer to set up another booth somewhere? And maybe get some other of the younger kids to help sell?

 

[Happyinwonerland]

So it’s always the leader and her dd and one other kid? That doesn’t sound fair at all! There should be an opportunity for others to sell at booths without the leader. Is there any nice way to volunteer to set up another booth somewhere? And maybe get some other of the younger kids to help sell?

I asked about that, they said I would have to register as a girl scout myself and go through a background check. Cookie season will be over by the time the background check comes through, but I plan to get it in place for next year.

 

[sonnyjane]

I asked about that, they said I would have to register as a girl scout myself and go through a background check. Cookie season will be over by the time the background check comes through, but I plan to get it in place for next year.

I’ll be the downer in that I’m not sure what you can do. The plus here is that I work with many people like that in the real world. You can use it as a teachable moment about dealing with controlling, attention-hungry colleagues.

 

[Happyinwonerland]

I’ll be the downer in that I’m not sure what you can do. The plus here is that I work with many people like that in the real world. You can use it as a teachable moment about dealing with controlling, attention-hungry colleagues.

If this were me and another adult I had this issue with, I would have zero problem telling her exactly how I feel about her behavior. But with other peoples' kids, you can't just say "Hey, stop being mean". I'd like to teach DD that she doesn't have to tolerate that behavior, and I think if this girl were also 5, she'd say "Hey, that's not nice!" But since she's older and bigger DD just keeps quiet.

I would really like to let the leader know that her daughter's behavior has been making DD cry. I just don't know her well enough to know how she'd react to that.

 

[PrincessShmoo]

DD 5 is in a mixed-age troop. We have 20 girls, daisies all the way up to cadettes. This is our first year in girl scouts.

As you are probably aware, it is cookie season. We have done a few booths, and the troop leader's 9 year old daughter is at them all, because only the leader and her husband run the booths. Which is fine, except DD feels very unwelcome. This 9 year old is very controlling and seems to think that she is the end all be all cookie authority. If DD tries to put, say, the thin mints next to the smores, she'll push DD aside and say "No, the thin mints go by the peanut butter patties!" Or she tells DD she faced the box the wrong way. Or if a customer tells us what they want, and DD goes to get it for them, she'll push her aside and grab it .

She has made a few comments in front of us like "I wish I could do the booths alone" and "I should get all the credit for the boxes sold since the little kids aren't helping much". It really hurts DDs feeling, and she has cried over it.

I'd like to say something to the troop leader, because the bullying isn't fair, but I don't want to cause conflict. I want girl scouts to be a positive experience for DD and everyone involved.

So, how would you all handle this? If they were the same age I would probably be more hand off, but this is a 9 year old pushing a 5 year old around, and I don't think its a fair match.

Edited to add: Normally this kid is well behaved and plays nicely with dd and the other younger kids, so I think the competition to win the cookie sales prizes is what is driving this behavior.

I'm certainly no expert in this, but I was a Girl Scout all the way through high school, and my daughter was a Girl Scout.

Seems to me that "leader" is really running the troop for only her daughter. I've never (yes, NEVER) been in a troop where parents are not encouraged, if not directly asked, to help staff cookie sales booths. AND, there's always had to be two adults (preferably a leader and one other parent - not necessarily the leader's husband) regardless of how many girls are working the booth. Most of the time there were at least 3-5 girls working the booths.

Just based on what you describe with the mother/daughter combo in that troop, I'm not sure having a talk with the leader regarding the fact that all girls (and parents) should be helping out would do any good, but you should give it a try. Depending on what response you get, I'd probably pursue it to the council level next and ask what the requirements/policies are about the girls selling at the booths is.

 

[Calee]

What does the girls mother do or say when she makes these comments?? What would happen if you said to mom at the time, "Sally has said a couple times that she wishes she could do these booths alone. Have I misunderstood? Is this her booth?" Or" Would it be better for us to step aside? DD is young and does not understand these comments, so if you all would prefer to do this alone please just let me know" Or some variation thereof. Put the ball in moms court and see what happens.

 

[Southernmiss]

Also, it's not too early to teach your daughter some skills to stand up for herself, even with bigger kids.

Tell her it's okay to tell Suzy 'But I want the thin mints here.' Or 'Lets take turns getting the cookies out for customers. You can have first turn and I'l have the second.' But wait, I said 'I Would have the second turn. You already had a turn.'

A talk with the leader is not out of line, either.

 

[clori]

I have two girl scouts but don't do that many booth sales. It may be specific to council but I thought there was a rule that each booth needed to have two unrelated adults. For us to volunteer we do need to be an adult member and have had a CORI check through girl scouts. In order to volunteer at our booths at subway stations we need to submit info to the local public transportation company by x date before booth sales start per their policy. If your not comfortable talking to the leader can you talk to a coleader or the Daisy leader?

 

[Jimmy Mouse]

I would take a box of tagalongs and shove them right up her ..... Just kidding My 6 year old just went through something similar at school in the after school program. She went to the swings, an older girl told her she wasn't old enough to swing on them so every time she got swinging this girl would grab the chain and stop her and told her to go to the little kids swing. She was on the see saw and the girl got her friend off and got on to bring my DD all the way up and just sat there and wouldn't let her down. My DD started getting sick every morning before school and would throw up because she was so worried. Before it got worse, I requested a teacher conference and it all stopped just as fast as it started.

 

[Happyinwonerland]

I have two girl scouts but don't do that many booth sales. It may be specific to council but I thought there was a rule that each booth needed to have two unrelated adults. For us to volunteer we do need to be an adult member and have had a CORI check through girl scouts. In order to volunteer at our booths at subway stations we need to submit info to the local public transportation company by x date before booth sales start per their policy. If your not comfortable talking to the leader can you talk to a coleader or the Daisy leader?

She is all of these things.

 

[VandVsmama]

This is yet another reason why my kids aren't in girl scouts. Speak up to the cookie warden/mom or give up on cookie sales or find another troop to join or quit. Those are the options I can think of off the top of my head. This could be a growth opportunity for your DD and you have an opportunity to model/demonstrate assertive, yet respectful, behavior in how to confront someone on something you disagree with them on.

 

[Jennasis]

I assume you have witnessed these things happening at the booth? If so I would speak up right then (sally is the 9 year old, your daughter can be Jane).."Sally, it's fine if Jane wants to put the Samoas there/put the boxes like that/help that customer. You can have your turn next/later/when hell freezes over." you get the idea.

 

[Wishing on a star]

Speaking as a parent of an Eagle Scout.....

You do not need to be in that troop.

This does not seem to be worth the 'battle', or the 'drama'.

And, at five years of age, how many boxes of cookies sold should be quickly forgotten minutia.... a non-issue.
Your child does not need this drama or pressure.

My son was pulled out of one Cub Scout Troop and one Boy Scout Troop, where this kind of thing was common... before we found the RIGHT troop.

The leader of the first Cub Scout Troop embezzled all of the kids fund-raiser money, and was later actually convicted of major embezzlement from his job position.
The leader of the second troop was all about his ideas and his three boys... and he was also getting older, and was simply unable to lead the physical activities that are required to advance.

Neither of these 'leaders' ever saw one single boy advance thru the system thru their efforts.
As the second leader I mentioned became older... his sons actually ended up joining the troop that my son was in, that helped him to become an Eagle Scout.
My son became an Eagle Scout at 16... Last I heard, these other boys were approaching the 18th birthday cut-off date, and I am not sure if they actually attained Eagle.

Keep all of this in perspective!!!!!

 

[Wishing on a star]

She is all of these things.

Of course, she would be.... not surprising to me at all.

 

[penn19]

Wasn’t this an episode of everybody loves Raymond?

 

[mummabear]

Sooo many thoughts.
In NZ we have Girl Guides as be equivolent to Girl Scouts.
I was a Pippins leader for 3 years (girls aged 5-7), in fact I just resigned along with 3 other leaders including a leader of 30 years over mismanagement.

Here with biscuit season we are assigned our load of biscuits. National Office receives all of the profit from it.
We are required to man 4 hours worth of stalls, plus unit night selling, plus what is sent home for us to go door to door in our own neighbourhoods.
There are no prizes for the most sold.

As far as your situation:What is the prize? Is it that good that you can’t say let’s just flag slinging cookies and go buy it?

While you should be able to raise the issue with the leader, from what you have said I honestly think it will just get you offside for no improvement.

I would try the tactic of saying something directly to the 9 year old on the stall, friendly as you can it’s DD5s turn now etc If she says “I wish I could do the booth alone” say something like “We all need to work together to sell the cookies”
Lastly I would be working with your DD on standing up for herself and speaking up, teach her that when miss bossy pants says the tin mints don’t go there she can say “actually there is no right or wrong place for them to be and it is my stall too”

 

[Grumpy's Gal]

You may like to find a different troop.

Our Girl Scout leader was also a Mary Kay consultant. So most of activities planned for the scouts were skincare classes etc. then all the moms were invited to a “mom/daughter scout day” and it was also a skin care class. This woman was THE leader and come hell or high water SHE was the one in charge of everything. It was awful, a new troop solved it.

 

[Happyinwonerland]

It would be difficult to switch troops, as our troop is linked to our homeschool cooperative, so most of our school friends are in this troop.


I have been at the booths with her, and I usually say something along the lines of "It doesn't matter if she does it differently, everyone's ideas are important." but it seems to fall on deaf ears.

I do plan to ask if I can take over the daisies. The leader's daughter is a brownie so it would at least give them some separation.

 

[PollyannaMom]

I think it's great that you're willing to do Daisies next year!

For now, role-play with your DD some "short and sweet" phrases to use with the 9-year-old:
"Why are you being so bossy, Suzy?" (With the order of boxes.)
"That is NOT a Girl Scout thing to say." (With wanting to do it alone.)