College Sororities - Sad and Confused......kinda of long sorry

[chrismiss56]

Hi

Sorry this is kinda of long

My DD is attending a Big Ten School. She has dreamt of being in the Greek System since junior high.

When she started college she made some bad choices about grades and couldn't rush. Since then she has worked SO HARD to pull up her GPA so she could rush.

DD is a pretty girl, receives many compliments, works hard yet struggles with self confidence (don't most of us).

Rush has been tough on her - the houses she thought she really liked didn't want her from the start. It came down to three houses - two of them she didn't feel comfortable with and the third one she decided that she liked because they seemed "real" not as interested in how deep your tan was or if you were a Barbie Doll.....

Well today was the final choices for the "formal" interview and she wasn't asked back to any of them. She is DEVASTATED to say the least.....I'm hundreds of miles away and my heart is breaking for her.

What is most frustrating no one will explain the process? Her Rho Gamma (mentor) couldn't explain how the recruitment is run because each house has their own rules. And you can't ask a member of the house about it because it is against policy Some secret society

DD tells me that the boys have it much easier - they attend an informal get together for an afternoon or evening and then are told if it is a good fit or not. The girls have to jump through hoops socially as well as appearance. They were given guidelines as to what they were allowed to wear to each interview- we had to go shopping over winter break for appropriate clothing

MY HEART IS BREAKING FOR HER

Yes I know she will get over this but it is a major blow to her and of course I the mom am hurting 10 times worse. She doesn't want to talk to anyone right now - feeling like a loser.

Help me understand if you can.

Thanks
Have a Magical Disney Day

 

[allison443]

I'm sorry

 

[binny]

Im sorry. That stinks.

 

[chrismiss56]

Im sorry. That stinks.

Big Time STINK!!

 

[momrek06]

Ohhh...I am so sorry.

 

[The Mystery Machine]

I did "rush" for one day when I went to college. It wasn't for me.

It is her first dose of reality of rejection, right?

Of course us adults can say a whole bunch of stuff however it is probably not going to sink in for awhile. Give her lots of reassurance.

My dd is going to college in the Fall and has no interest in Greek life, although I think she would do well in it to be honest.

All we can do is be positive.

 

[chrismiss56]

I did "rush" for one day when I went to college. It wasn't for me.

It is her first dose of reality of rejection, right?

Of course us adults can say a whole bunch of stuff however it is probably not going to sink in for awhile. Give her lots of reassure.

My dd is going to college in the Fall and has no interest in Greek life, although I think she would do well in it to be honest.

All we can do is be positive.

Actually no - she has tried out for a two dance programs at school and been rejected - that was a life learning lesson and made her realize that performing arts wasn't the best fit for her

Thanks for the words of encouragement

Have a Magical Disney Day

 

[dogluva]

Hi

Sorry this is kinda of long

My DD is attending a Big Ten School. She has dreamt of being in the Greek System since junior high.

When she started college she made some bad choices about grades and couldn't rush. Since then she has worked SO HARD to pull up her GPA so she could rush.

DD is a pretty girl, receives many compliments, works hard yet struggles with self confidence (don't most of us).

Rush has been tough on her - the houses she thought she really liked didn't want her from the start. It came down to three houses - two of them she didn't feel comfortable with and the third one she decided that she liked because they seemed "real" not as interested in how deep your tan was or if you were a Barbie Doll.....

Well today was the final choices for the "formal" interview and she wasn't asked back to any of them. She is DEVASTATED to say the least.....I'm hundreds of miles away and my heart is breaking for her.

What is most frustrating no one will explain the process? Her Rho Gamma (mentor) couldn't explain how the recruitment is run because each house has their own rules. And you can't ask a member of the house about it because it is against policy Some secret society

DD tells me that the boys have it much easier - they attend an informal get together for an afternoon or evening and then are told if it is a good fit or not. The girls have to jump through hoops socially as well as appearance. They were given guidelines as to what they were allowed to wear to each interview- we had to go shopping over winter break for appropriate clothing

MY HEART IS BREAKING FOR HER

Yes I know she will get over this but it is a major blow to her and of course I the mom am hurting 10 times worse. She doesn't want to talk to anyone right now - feeling like a loser.

Help me understand if you can.

Thanks
Have a Magical Disney Day

I think that really stinks. I am so sorry for your daughter.

I was in a sorority and it is not all that great. THe pledging was brutal and demeaning. The so called "sisters" would stab you in the back the minute you turned around.

I have nightmares about these girls still. Funny, I had one last night. One of the girls who pledged with me ended up leaving school because of the trauma. I am telling you it was awful. This was in 1987 when I was twenty. I relive the horror in my mind all the time. I was not worth it for me and I found that they were people I didn't want to hang out with after all they had put me through. This was 22 years ago, a lot of things have changed. The groups like this no longer exist on the campus (for a reason).

I don't know what to say to make you feel better. I guess time may help her. Take care. Girls can be mean.

 

[JB111107]

check your pms

 

[rascalmom]

I was in a sorority and am actively involved as an alum. There are definitely sides to it that aren't pretty - this is a big one....I don't like to see anyone get hurt & I am so sorry that your daughter is disappointed.

I can give a little insight - but each school operates a little differently. Some campuses are very competitive, others truly make it about the girls and the friendships. Sounds like your dd may be at a campus with a very competitive environment.

You mentioned that your dd didn't have great grades. Most of the NPC (National Panhellenic Conference) groups have grade requirements set by the local chapters. They look at high school grades and ACT/SAT scores; some will take into account whether the student has taken AP classes. Sounds like she worked hard & did better in college - that is great and she deserves much congratulations for that!

Unfortunately, each group works with a fixed number of girls they are allowed to invite for each party/interview round. This is determined by the Greek advisor on campus & is designed to keep all the groups about the same size. This quota is fixed as they progress through the recruitment process - so the groups will select their invitees based on criteria to narrow their list of girls. On some campuses it will be about who you know (girls in house, alums - did she have references), on others is seems to be about looks, and on others a heavy emphasis is placed on grades - or leadership experience - or some kind of talent....depends on the "needs" of the group.

On my campus, grades are very much a determining factor. While exact criteria are private, most houses will release a girl who doesn't have at least a 3.0 out of high school. They expect similar on college grades (and sometimes higher)for an upperclassman. Also, some houses take very few upperclassmen anyway - they place heavy emphasis on freshman....they are looking for girls who will be involved for all of their 4 years in school. I suspect it may be a combination of grades & age that affected your daughter.

If your daughter is still interested in pursuing membership in a Greek group, encourage her to go talk to the Panhellenic Greek advisor. She should be able to give a fair assessment of what happened & if there are any prospects for her to pursue at this point. After formal recruitment is over, many groups have a process called COB (Continuous Open Bidding) where they offer bids to girls who didn't pledge during formal rush. The Greek advisor can help her know if she is a good candidate for that if she is still interested,

Like I said - I hate this part. I never like to see any young lady hurt. Being Greek isn't the be all - end all. Their are plenty of other great campus groups to be involved in. I am sure your daughter is a lovely young lady & these groups are the ones missing out!

Feel free to pm me if you have any questions.

 

[lisadr]

I am sorry you DD is hurting.

Can I venture out there and say that when she is ready and gets over this, that you encourage her to have more faith in herself. She needs stop seeking out the approval of others.

Personally I just don't see how these Greek Societies are in any way good for anyone. Unless you're a Bush . She would do better to join a club of some sort where the focus is on a common interest-not torturing someone- for what?

Mom, you know your girl better than anyone. Don't let her focus on this. Start telling her she's better than all of it. The sooner she realizes that the better.

 

[castleview]

Is your daughter at a school where Greek life dominates? Most Big Ten schools are big enough that Greek life only makes up a small portion of the campus. I, for one don't like the idea of seeking acceptance from other girls based on superficial reasons - I know some say they base acceptance on grades, but my roommates that rushed a sorority had awful grades so I know some exist.

This may be the best thing that happens to your daughter. She'll find her place on campus. Good luck!

 

[Strangeite]

My father is 6'6" and played high school basketball; but was not playing on the college team. When he first went to college all of the fraternities tried to recruit him so that he could play basketball for them during the greek basketball tournament. However, he thought it was beyond dumb to have to pay dues to "have friends" and refused to join any fraternity. So, he and a bunch of other students living in his dorm formed an anti-fraternity called Zeta Omega Omega or ZOO. Apparently their primary motivation in life was to play pranks on real fraternities and generally make fun of them.

When I was in high school, I attended a leadership conference at this same college and my dad saw some students walking around with shirts that said ZOO. We stopped and asked them about the shirt and apparently ZOO still existed on the campus. The ZOO that night threw a party in my dad's honor and we attended. I thought my dad was the coolest guy and have never looked at greek life the same way.

Your daughter could think about forming her own anti-sorority. I am sure that she is not the only one that has been "burned".

 

[wilderness01]

My friends also had an anti frat house: LMIT or lick my inner thigh.

 

[NCRedding]

I was rejected by my first choice in sororities the first year I rushed in college 25 years ago. Our rush was early in the year, and I was very quiet at the time. I was offered a bid from a sorority, which I initially joined but decided it wasn't right for me. I waited til my sophomore year when I had made more friends, and was much more outgoing. I will say that I took great joy in not accepting an invitation on the last day from the sorority that rejected me the year before.

Rascalmom described the way our system worked also. The houses can only accept pledges up to a certain number determined by the panhellenic council. The sorority then has to decide who their priority invites are. It is further complicated by the number of legacy rushees--those who have some family connection to the sorority. We were strongly discouraged from rejecting legacy rushees.

There is a lot more at work than whether someone likes your daughter or not. It still hurts to be rejected though, as I know.

 

[FSUDisneyGirl]

Maybe your daughter will realize how much of the Greek system revolves around appearance and "who you know"...and decide it's not something she wants to be a part of. I know that's exactly why I was never interested.

During my freshman year, one of my roommates (whom I knew from high school) decided to rush. She was overweight, and not your typical sorority girl. After the initial rush, she (with amazing test scores, grade point average, extracurricular activities) was not asked back or shown any interest by any sorority....and there were so many of them. I was so angry, and upset for her. How sad!

to your daughter, I hope she figures out a place where people are accepting of others and where she belongs.

 

[Deb & Bill]

When I was in college, sororities were not confidence builders, but tore it down. If you weren't rich enough, cute enough, had the right car, right boyfriends, right friends, you weren't good enough for them. And any one who thinks I am not good enough for them, isn't good enough for me.

That, however, won't help your daughter's broken heart. If she is waiting for the sorority to make friends you need to find a way for her to make friends now. Find someone she admires who didn't go greek in college. Maybe that person can help.

 

[tasha99]

Maybe your daughter will realize how much of the Greek system revolves around appearance and "who you know"...and decide it's not something she wants to be a part of. I know that's exactly why I was never interested.

During my freshman year, one of my roommates (whom I knew from high school) decided to rush. She was overweight, and not your typical sorority girl. After the initial rush, she (with amazing test scores, grade point average, extracurricular activities) was not asked back or shown any interest by any sorority....and there were so many of them. I was so angry, and upset for her. How sad!

to your daughter, I hope she figures out a place where people are accepting of others and where she belongs.

All that superficial stuff is a real part of this world, but I just don't "get" sororities. Why celebrate what's wrong with the world? I wouldn't even want to be part of a group that chooses or excludes people based on things like appearance, level of chipperness, fashion sense, and money. Not to mention all the nepotism with legacies getting in just because mom did. I know there must be more to it, but it all seems icky to me. It did in my late teens as well--I never thought they looked like a good fit for me.

 

[TwinsinCA]

My opinion about the Greek system is not a good one. The whole things makes me I too have witnessed women knock themselves out just to be chosen by a sorority. It drove me nuts to see grown women demean themselves like that just to 'fit in'. This isn't middle school, this is COLLEGE. I just wanted to shake them and tell them they are SO much better than that!

I can't relate to the OP's daughter because I never wanted to be a part of that life at all. But I am sorry she is hurting. I just wish I could tell the OP's daughter that she deserves better than to be treated this way and to take off the rose colored glasses and see sororities for what they really are.

 

[chrismiss56]

My opinion about the Greek system is not a good one. The whole things makes me I too have witnessed women knock themselves out just to be chosen by a sorority. It drove me nuts to see grown women demean themselves like that just to 'fit in'. This isn't middle school, this is COLLEGE. I just wanted to shake them and tell them they are SO much better than that!

I can't relate to the OP's daughter because I never wanted to be a part of that life at all. But I am sorry she is hurting. I just wish I could tell the OP's daughter that she deserves better than to be treated this way and to take off the rose colored glasses and see sororities for what they really are.

I agree with you!!! However this 20 yr old had rose colored glasses on and it hurting her that they have been shattered.....

Thanks for your support.