Am I justified in being creeped out, or overreacting?

[lorijohnhill]

My divorce was final in December. Last year, when I changed the locks he got pissed off that he couldn’t get into the house. I told him he needed to call before coming to the house. This hasn’t been a problem (that I know if) since that conversation.

This morning, the doorbell rings as I’m getting out of bed. Guess who it is. He dropped off something our daughter made and then proceeded to tell me that he had been in the back yard moving the shed and cleaning up beaches, filling the green waste can. Now, this is the same green waste can he said was full last weekend (when my mom asked him to clean up branches my neighbor had thrown over the fence). This week was recycle pick up, so green waste did not get emptied.

There is a slider in my bedroom that opens to the back yard and is covered with a sheer curtain. I’m not sure if I am more disturbed that I didn’t hear him in the yard doing whatever he was doing, or by the fact he was back there, without calling first, while I was sleeping. Now I am jumping out of my skin at every noise from the back yard.

Would this bother you, or am I overreacting?

 

[ronandannette]

My divorce was final in December. Last year, when I changed the locks he got pissed off that he couldn’t get into the house. I told him he needed to call before coming to the house. This hasn’t been a problem (that I know if) since that conversation.

This morning, the doorbell rings as I’m getting out of bed. Guess who it is. He dropped off something our daughter made and then proceeded to tell me that he had been in the back yard moving the shed and cleaning up beaches, filling the green waste can. Now, this is the same green waste can he said was full last weekend (when my mom asked him to clean up branches my neighbor had thrown over the fence). This week was recycle pick up, so green waste did not get emptied.

There is a slider in my bedroom that opens to the back yard and is covered with a sheer curtain. I’m not sure if I am more disturbed that I didn’t hear him in the yard doing whatever he was doing, or by the fact he was back there, without calling first, while I was sleeping. Now I am jumping out of my skin at every noise from the back yard.

Would this bother you, or am I overreacting?

Honestly, I don't know how I would feel - it would depend on how we were relating to one another since the split. On the face of it, my instinct would be to cut ties as much as is possible while still co-parenting. I wouldn't be asking him to do yard chores at my place or anything else for that matter that blurs the boundaries.

 

[jevs]

You are not overreacting. Why did your mum ask him to do yard work, is it her house? Because that would bother me as well.

 

[sonnyjane]

My divorce was final in December. Last year, when I changed the locks he got pissed off that he couldn’t get into the house. I told him he needed to call before coming to the house. This hasn’t been a problem (that I know if) since that conversation.

This morning, the doorbell rings as I’m getting out of bed. Guess who it is. He dropped off something our daughter made and then proceeded to tell me that he had been in the back yard moving the shed and cleaning up beaches, filling the green waste can. Now, this is the same green waste can he said was full last weekend (when my mom asked him to clean up branches my neighbor had thrown over the fence). This week was recycle pick up, so green waste did not get emptied.

There is a slider in my bedroom that opens to the back yard and is covered with a sheer curtain. I’m not sure if I am more disturbed that I didn’t hear him in the yard doing whatever he was doing, or by the fact he was back there, without calling first, while I was sleeping. Now I am jumping out of my skin at every noise from the back yard.

Would this bother you, or am I overreacting?

The fact that your mom asked him to come over and do yard work last weekend makes it far less out of place. Honestly that’s the weirder part of this story.

 

[lorijohnhill]

I forgot to mention that my mom owns the house.

I did talk to her about it and told her it made me uncomfortable. Her response was, “it’s not like it’s anything he hasn’t seen before.” So not the point.

 

[SirDuff]

So, your mom asked him to come and do yard work. And he did. Does your mom also live in the house or just own it? Did she know he was coming?

 

[verleniahall]

I would be creeped out as well - I would have a sit down with both him and your mom and lay down som3 rules - that if your mom insists on him doing the yard work that it can’t be before or after certain times, and he needs to let you know when he arrives and leaves, just like a regular handyman or yard worker.

Whether or not “ he’s seen it before “ he’s not seeing it now so they both need to respect that

 

[Happyinwonerland]

It sounds like it is definitely time to set some boundaries with both your ex and your mom. I don't think he was being creepy, but he is being very intrusive.

 

[NYCgrrl]

My divorce was final in December. Last year, when I changed the locks he got pissed off that he couldn’t get into the house. I told him he needed to call before coming to the house. This hasn’t been a problem (that I know if) since that conversation.

This morning, the doorbell rings as I’m getting out of bed. Guess who it is. He dropped off something our daughter made and then proceeded to tell me that he had been in the back yard moving the shed and cleaning up beaches, filling the green waste can. Now, this is the same green waste can he said was full last weekend (when my mom asked him to clean up branches my neighbor had thrown over the fence). This week was recycle pick up, so green waste did not get emptied.

There is a slider in my bedroom that opens to the back yard and is covered with a sheer curtain. I’m not sure if I am more disturbed that I didn’t hear him in the yard doing whatever he was doing, or by the fact he was back there, without calling first, while I was sleeping. Now I am jumping out of my skin at every noise from the back yard.

Would this bother you, or am I overreacting?

Putting the situation of your ex and the ownership of the house to the side I would want the house secure from anyone and consider what security measures you can install such as perimeter sensor lighting.

 

[leebee]

I don't think it's creepy, per se, but I think you need to talk with him about calling first. Now, I'll cut him a little slack; maybe he awoke really early and decided to get the work done but not call and wake you, instead waiting until a more-human hour to wake you. I'm not saying this is the case, just that I can see something like that happening. However, he is NOT related to you anymore and doesn't live in or have rights to hanging around the house anymore. You need to make it clear to him that he needs to call first- regardless of time- if he's coming over to do stuff your mom asks him about. You might also want to talk with your mom and let her know that you aren't comfortable with him coming over to do stuff, and if he's going to, you'd appreciate it if she set up a time with him and LET YOU KNOW ABOUT THE PLAN. (Honestly, it's pretty insensitive of your mom to not consider how you might feel about having him around, in general; that might be another conversation to have with her.)

 

[Hikergirl]

No I don't find that creepy, your mom asked him to come over and do yard work and he did.
How did he know the green can was full last week? He must have come over then to do it found the can full then came back this week assuming the can would have been emptied. It wasn't, so he just put the stuff in anyway.

If you are uncomfortable having him come over, tell your mom to stop asking him too.

 

[JLiz]

I don’t think your ex husband is in the wrong here at all. Your mother/homeowner asked him to come over and he did. You asked him to inform you when he was over and he did.

That doesn’t mean your feelings of not wanting your ex husband around you or seeing you in bed are unjustified. I think the problem is with your mother. You should calmly and firmly tell her that it is inappropriate to ask your ex for favors. If there are chores to do around the house, do them yourselves or hire a handyman. If she can’t respect your (perfectly reasonable, IMO) boundaries then you should find somewhere else to live that doesn’t have any shared history with your ex or your mother.

 

[fhtpdw20]

Since it is Mom's house, it is her rules. I would start making an exit plan for my own peace of mind and family harmony.

 

[Allison]

The fact that your mom asked him to come over and do yard work last weekend makes it far less out of place.

I agree.

I also wouldn't use the word creepy.

 

[okeydokey]

It's your Mom's house and she asked him to come over to do something so I give him a pass on this one. You may have to move to your own place if you want to make the rules regarding your ex's access to your living space.

 

[Floridaman999]

I think it's more about blurred lines than it is about creepiness. You need to have a conversation with your mother about boundaries and explain how you feel. If she doesn't respect your feelings then your problem is with her.

 

[mom2rtk]

It's the kind of blurred lines that come with living in mom's house. OP, are you unable to clean the yard up yourself? It could be that mom was using the only resource she had available. And I don't know your ex, and he might be a terrible creeper, but based on what you've posted, he also might just be trying to help out.

 

[PollyannaMom]

I don’t think your ex husband is in the wrong here at all. Your mother/homeowner asked him to come over and he did. You asked him to inform you when he was over and he did.

That doesn’t mean your feelings of not wanting your ex husband around you or seeing you in bed are unjustified.

It totally depends on how well you get along! If it was an amicable divorce, and you're co-parenting successfully, I'd assume helping out your mom like that is actually quite mature. But if there was any fear of him involved in your divorce, I would be unsettled by it.

 

[MrsJackSparrow4Life]

Your problem is really with your mom not your ex. You explained to her why it made you uncomfortable and she didn’t think it was a big deal. It is her house so as long as your mom is asking him to come over and do work around the house there isn’t much you can do other than get your own place unfortunately.

 

[DLgal]

Why can't you just clean up the branches in the yard? Is it that hard?

I think you need to tell your mom that your ex is NOT to be treated as a handyman. He lost that job when you divorced.

However, in this particular situation, I don't think your ex did anything wrong. Maybe you need to invest in heavier curtains because next time, it might not be someone you know. I would be CONSTANTLY paranoid if my bedroom on the ground floor had only sheer curtains.