Spin-Off of Funeral Thread: Why or Why Not?

[ronandannette]

On the "How Many Funerals Have You Been To" thread there have been a number of people say they don't and/or won't attend funerals. Other threads in the past have discussed similar things and negative feelings for funerals/memorials/celebrations seem quite common. Why?

 

[CarolAnn856]

Funerals, viewings, etc. are for the benefit of those left mourning a loved one. I go to show love and support to the friend or family member I care about. I've heard people IRL say they won't attend one because they "just don't like them" or "don't want to see someone in a casket." I'm sorry, and I know this sounds harsh, but if you're a grown adult without serious reasons for not being able to stand going (such as PTSD that could come on in that setting, for example), then get over yourself (general you, not anyone specific).

 

[ronandannette]

Funerals, viewings, etc. are for the benefit of those left mourning a loved one. I go to show love and support to the friend or family member I care about. I've heard people IRL say they won't attend one because they "just don't like them" or "don't want to see someone in a casket." I'm sorry, and I know this sounds harsh, but if you're a grown adult without serious reasons for not being able to stand going (such as PTSD that could come on in that setting, for example), then get over yourself (general you, not anyone specific).

It's a sensitive topic and I'd never tell people how they should or shouldn't feel. And over the years "expectations" in this regard have really shifted a lot in our culture. I'm just interested in some of the thinking behind it.

 

[CarolAnn856]

It's a sensitive topic and I'd never tell people how they should or shouldn't feel. And over the years "expectations" in this regard have really shifted a lot in our culture. I'm just interested in some of the thinking behind it.

I may have come across harsher than I intended, but I do think that it's a bit sad for someone to refuse to attend a funeral just because they "don't like them." There are many things in this life we do that we don't like. The comfort a friend can receive from someone going is far more valuable than a little bit of unease. It meant so much to my husband and I that so many of our dear friends came to the service when his mom passed away; I can't imagine not supporting a friend like that. And, you did ask "why or why not." I'm giving my reasons "why."

 

[tazdev3225]

I go to funerals now but resisted them when I was younger. The first funeral I ever went to was for my beloved grandfather when I was 8 years old. I understood that dead meant never coming back again because my other grandfather had died 2 years earlier. I know I will not be believed, but as I stood next to my grandfather's casket staring at him - his hands moved!!! I was terrified. Many years later my grandmother confirmed that his hands actually were in a different position before they closed the casket.

For a long time I refused to attend a viewing but would go to the funeral if the casket was already closed. I suck it up now because part of being an adult is having to face things that aren't always pleasant. I still get away from the casket as quickly as I can though. One moving corpse in a lifetime is enough.

 

[low-key]

because the person is dead

 

[crazylady]

I prefer to go to the funeral over the viewing of I have a choice. I really dislike viewing the body in the casket and all of the small talk at viewings.

 

[Mirielle]

I don't believe anyone "likes" to attend funerals, so when I hear that excuse, my opinion of that person lowers. There comes a time in this life when one needs to "adult" even if you don't want to. Being supportive to friends and family, *I feel*, is more important than a short time of uneasiness or uncomfortable feelings that will soon pass.

 

[sk!mom]

I go because if my attendance offers one smidgen of comfort then it was worth the effort. This article says my feelings perfectly...
https://www.npr.org/2005/08/08/4785079/always-go-to-the-funeral

The most powerful part to me...
"On a cold April night three years ago, my father died a quiet death from cancer. His funeral was on a Wednesday, middle of the workweek. I had been numb for days when, for some reason, during the funeral, I turned and looked back at the folks in the church. The memory of it still takes my breath away. The most human, powerful and humbling thing I've ever seen was a church at 3:00 on a Wednesday full of inconvenienced people who believe in going to the funeral.'

 

[dotfurio]

I'll attend funerals but not viewings. If the funeral is open casket I sit in the back. I know that is an image that will stick with me and I'd rather not remember them like that. Viewings and funerals are for the benefit of the loved ones left behind, and if a viewing brings their family and friends peace and closure more power to them. However, if it has the opposite effect, then why should someone feel forced to view their loved one in that state? I attended my dad's viewing but remained in the lobby, and I have no regrets.

 

[Mirielle]

I'll attend funerals but not viewings. If the funeral is open casket I sit in the back. I know that is an image that will stick with me and I'd rather not remember them like that. Viewings and funerals are for the benefit of the loved ones left behind, and if a viewing brings their family and friends peace and closure more power to them. However, if it has the opposite effect, then why should someone feel forced to view their loved one in that state? I attended my dad's viewing but remained in the lobby, and I have no regrets.

I'm totally with you on not viewing the deceased.

 

[NYCgrrl]

I prefer to attend viewings/memorials over funerals but will attend whichever fits best into my schedule and that of the departed's survivors.

 

[neverlandsky]

We like to offer our condolences in-person. Only 3 times kept us away. 2 were due to no bereavement time off. 1 was due to me having the flu then pneumonia.

 

[kdonnel]

I see them as a huge waste of money but as others have said, they are for the living, and if a funeral helps the living grieve then have at it.

I have made it clear to my family that they should not have a funeral for me because they think I want one.

I would be happy being dumped in the trash and taken to the dump if it were legal.

 

[ols386]

I go to viewings/funerals to support the family and friends. I don’t feel inconvenienced at all.

 

[ronandannette]

I see them as a huge waste of money but as others have said, they are for the living, and if a funeral helps the living grieve then have at it.

I have made it clear to my family that they should not have a funeral for me because they think I want one.

I would be happy being dumped in the trash and taken to the dump if it were legal.

Personally, I think it's good to allow the survivors freedom to make whatever arrangements seem most appropriate to them. When I worked in the funeral business it kinda broke my heart when a family would come in and be so, so uncomfortable with trying to do whatever it was the deceased had requested (or demanded) before their death. It worked both ways - sometimes the deceased didn't want a service and the family felt duty-bound not to have one even though they really wanted to; sometimes there were elaborate pre-arrangements in place that the family would much rather have not gone through with. Following the expressed wishes of the deceased is not a legal obligation although many see it as a moral one. As for me, even though I could pre-plan myself one barn-burner of a funeral, I'm going to leave it to my loved ones - for their sake.

 

[luvsJack]

I don’t do military funerals at all since my dad died, if I can avoid it. And have actually asked ahead of time. When my sister’s fil died, I didn’t go to the funeral because it was military but I kept all the babies in the church nursery. I simply cannot hear Taps with breaking down or having an anxiety attack. It’s better now but unless it’s family, I don’t go.

After losing my dad and brother a month apart, my bil, fil and nephew all within 10 months one year and now losing my mom, I cannot handle the smell of flowers at a funeral home. It makes me feel like the walls are closing in on me. Not every funeral home is the same but at some the smell can really be overwhelming. So I choose not to go to some for that reason. But I try to do other things instead, take care of the food at the family’s home, oversee the dinner after the funeral, etc.

If possible, I will go to the viewing and see the family. I just tend to avoid the room the casket is in if I can.

 

[georgina]

It was nice my mom and dad had much of their funerals preplanned. That took a lot of pressure off us.

Like many others, I go to support the family. I volunteer to help with funeral lunches at my church, and many families really appreciate a place to be together after the service. There were a few funerals years ago that had only one or two people attending, which was very sad, so now an email goes out about funerals which could use more attendance and some folks will go to lend support

 

[wenrob]

I attend funerals because, well, that’s what you do. I don’t attend viewings. Memorials/Life Celebrations are more my speed.

I find the whole thing including visiting graves archaic and morbid. No one really wants to be there and I’ve found most to be inauthentic. Usually presided over by a stranger and just not true to the person who has passed. I think over time we will see the younger generations choosing more and more not to have them. My MIL didn’t want one, my folks have said they don’t want one. I’m more than capable of saying goodbye without ever stepping into a funeral home or watching a casket get lowered into the ground.

We just attended my DH’s grandma’s funeral a couple weeks back. Quite frankly, it was a crap show. But the visiting and sharing memories afterward? Priceless.

 

[Micca]

I don't like going to funerals, but sometimes when someone I love needs me there, I go. I hated it when I was younger but it has gotten a bit easier over the years. It's always a bit uncomfortable but it's a sacrifice I'll make if my presence might help the bereaved. I can understand people who don't want to go to funerals, no biggie to me.