An Inconvenient Truth: happyhaunt Style! (New... pg. 113!)

[WheatThins]

You are a chicken. That's why.

Wheat Thins

 

[IkeandMike]

I had a all too similar experience after eating at the Whispering Canyon Cafe.

And you may have taken those stairs two at a time in flip flops, but try running through the lobby of the WL with two three year olds tucked under your arms in football positions conspicously. Grown men were looking over there papers at us, women were gasping in shock. At least I could blame the mayhem on the children though. "We're almost there honey, hold it as long as you can."

Thanks for another great installment Mel.

 

[1000thhappyhaunt]

So.

So...if a "Disclaimer" is SO "last year"... then I'll begin this chapter in a different manner.

I'll take responsibility!!!! Instead.

Yes. Full personal responsibility is the "new" Disclaimer.

Or my name isn't...Manley Hathpup...errrr... Hamlet Unhappy!

I mean.

And I will be responsible for sticking to the entire truth. 100%. It will be the straight goods. No exaggeration, even ever so slight, for comedic purposes. No scatalogical references. No funnying NOTHIN' up.

Straight goods.

However... like all my men likes to say. After a few drinks. While desperately trying to get through one of my new chapters, "Well, Mel, it's about 90% bang on. Sadly". And then he gets really really drunk, passes out in a trashed hotel room, leaving me to carry him to bed and roll him on his side so that he doesn't pull a Jimi Hendrix, John Bonham or Keith Moon.

Oh.

My bad.

Plus... I was gonna do anagrams for those names too.

But I haven't the energy.

Anywho... moving on: Hamlet Unhappy's duties of responsibility in this chapter: I promise to provide suspense, excitement, full character development and setting. All wrapped up in a timeless love story. Plus there will be the usual bad spelling, poor grammar and the possible addition of words and/or sounds which have no meaning to anyone else...

Maar mig... Hamlet Unhappy!

Oh.

En het Nederlandse.

Yes... this chapter will also be written in Dutch.

Het inheemse huis en taal von ZZUB. En Bovendien is ZZUB een groot meisje en geuren slecht!

Heh heh.

Let's go then, shall we?

I danced through The Land. Feeling GREAT! And fancy free. And footloose.

I got my groove on like Kevin Bacon in a barn mysteriously set up like a gymnasium... for some reason... and sang "I'm too sexy for The Land... too sexy for my van... I'm too sexy for my cat... too sexy for my hat..."

On and. On. Until I ran out of words to rhyme. And was tackled and restrained by security.

Oh.

That didn't happen.

Ok.

I walked through The Land and out the door into the blasting heat and down the ramp(ish) to where the rest of the happyhaunts were waiting for me.

Mellyman had spent the whole time waiting for me... standing in the sun. Sweating. And waiting. For Me(l).

He asked if I was alright.

I told him I was much better. Thank you.

We rounded the kidlets up and headed through Future World. We wanted to pick up Fastpasses for Maelstrom... PSYCHE!!!!!... heh heh.

We actually wanted them for Test Track. And were lucky enough to get some we could use in about an hour. Give or take two.

So then we headed directly for Mission Sinise!!!

When, suddenly, I remembered something: MY PURSE!!!

Mellyman's MURSE!!!

I freaked out and grabbed Mellyman's arm. He turned to look at me and I was fluttering my hands and going all Miss Prissy on him:

"Mellyman! Mel! Melly!" I gasped.

"Well what is it Boy?" He asked, " I said, I said what are you jabberin' on about? Come on? Cat got yer tongue? "

"Yessssssssss." I managed.

"Well what's the problem? Hurry up Son! I don't have all day. You got somethin' to tell Me(l)" he responded.

"Yessssssssss." Again. "The stroller! Melly! WE LEFT THE STROLLER BESIDE THE LAND!!!"

"Oh. Is that all? Listen and learn, son! We'll just send Calvin back to get it and he can meet us at Mission Space."

Then we both looked at each other in silence for a minute and burst out into laughter.

Sending Calvin off to find our stroller and return to us... avec stroller... in a timely manner would not only be foolhardy. Irresponsible. And plain stupid.

But also... REALLY STUPID.

Again, it would be like sending our hamster to meet the kids after school and walk home with them.

So I said that I'd go get it. Tommy would come with me and the other three could head over to do Mission Sinise and we'd meet them in the dump shop or arcade afterwards. Like usual.

Ok.

It was agreed upon and Tommy and I set out. Back to The Land.

I was trying pretty hard not to worry. That it wouldn't be there. With all our stuff in it.

But I was a little worried. Between lunch, my bathroom festivities and the past adventure through Future World... it'd been parked there a LONG TIME.

Although I wasn't worried about losing money or passes... we had, like, a couple of umbrellas and all of our other crap in there including our water, sunscreen and The Penske File.

I always carry our passes and money on ME. Just Me. MEL. Only. Is allowed to carry them. Because I'm slightly OCD about it. I hand them over to go through the gates of the parks. And once through the rest of the happyhaunts must return their passes immediately back to me. Mellyman too. In fact, Mellyman is only allowed to carry $10.00. At Disney.

Because I'm a freak.

And it's just easier to let me have my way. Then fight Me(l).

So we headed back to our portable dirty peed on trash bin. Hoping it would still be where we left it.

I was tryin' hard not to be at all worried. But it was difficult. Not as difficult as Bob Dylan trying to feign JOY... but close.

Luckily it was there.

Not exactly where we left it. But a different location altogether. I thought that maybe the CM's had noticed it hanging around for so long and decided to start weaving vines of ivy around it in honour of the Flower and Garden Festival. And also to hide it's terrible beauty.

We grabbed it and headed BACK. Across Future World. In the heat. In the sun. And stopped by the fountain to get misty. Which Tommy likes.

We played around for a bit. Got sprinkley. Felt cooler.

And headed for Mission Sinise.

Which is one of my FAVOURITE rides. BTW. If you didn't already know.

It is full-on fun. And, sometimes, I even dream about it. KWIM?

Anywho... we checked out the giftshop for the 1000th time. Tommy tried on the Stitch Mouth hat. For the 1000th time. And then we headed into the arcade area where the ride lets out. So Tommy could play in the climber. For the 1000th time.

Finally, Mellyman and Calvin and Beth emerged. Laughing and talking. Excitedly.

My sweet precious Star Trek Geekforce Alpha!!!

And it was about to be: GO TIME!!! For Me(l).

I was GO.

Along with Calvin.

To face my CapCom.

And...my fears.

Which aren't that numerous, tfi.


Certainly... the poor foreign-language speaking man who I was about to torment and berate on our Mars Team... would be facing more fears. And, most likely, some intense therapy.

Upon return to his homeland.


Stay tuned... and TURN IT UP!!!


Cheers,

Manley Hathpup.

 

[Wonders10]

Hey Mel,

Joining the party late but I have been here reading. Glad you came back to us! I'm really loving it!

And as a somewhat shy woman myself, I must say I really respect a woman that can proudly devote an entire chapter in her trippie to, well, you know, Pooh.

 

[samc]

Because I'm a freak.

straight goods you say............

dez ties rollzz

 

[kpk89]

Oh.

Oh Sheila.

You scared me there, Melly. Luckily you had the anti-theft package on that baby. The anti-theft stank, should I say?

That's the package we have, too. Works like a charm.

 

[tinkgurl]

I walked through The Land and out the door into the blasting heat and down the ramp(ish) to where the rest of the happyhaunts were waiting for me.

Don't you just love how everywhere inside, the air is on full blast. And the second we walk through those doors and go back outside, the heat is on full blast?! The reason the air is on full blast is to lure us back in and buy something!

 

[ZZUB]

it would be like sending our hamster to meet the kids after school and walk home with them.

Based solely upon what information we can glean from reading this monstrosity you sadistically refer to as a trip report, I'd hazard a guess your kids would be better served by the hamster.

Have you ever thought of breaking the pills in half?

 

[1000thhappyhaunt]

Based solely upon what information we can glean from reading this monstrosity you sadistically refer to as a trip report, I'd hazard a guess your kids would be better served by the hamster.

Have you ever thought of breaking the pills in half?

No. I hadn't thought of breaking them in half.

Perhaps, tho, had I taken a WHOLE Imodium AD... I would have gotten past CANADA... and around WS to Mexico and El Rio Del Tiempo... at least. Where the effects would perhaps have added a lil sumpin sumpin "something" to that sorry dog of a ride.

Plus... Do you even have a MAP of Canada??????

What are you prepared to do to Me(l)?????

Permanent lockout in the NHL? A maple syrup embargo? Turn off Niagara Falls?


Boo-YEAH!!! Baybee!!!!


M.

 

[pongoperdigirl]

Melly.
You make me laff.
Hard.

 

[Kay7979]

"Yessssssssss." Again. "The stroller! Melly! WE LEFT THE STROLLER BESIDE THE LAND!!!"

But I was a little worried. Between lunch, my bathroom festivities and the past adventure through Future World... it'd been parked there a LONG TIME.

Shhhhh! Not so loud! This is one of the few methods of collecting tourist dollars Disney hasn't thought of yet. Plant this idea in their heads and there will be stroller parking meters cropping up everywhere overnight. In addition to your purse, you'll be dragging a sack of quarters along on your next trip. And if you don't put enough quarters in the meter, you'll come back to discover that the Stoller Maid left you a ticket.

 

[nicolemarie]

I always carry our passes and money on ME. Just Me. MEL. Only. Is allowed to carry them. Because I'm slightly OCD about it. I hand them over to go through the gates of the parks. And once through the rest of the happyhaunts must return their passes immediately back to me. Mellyman too. In fact, Mellyman is only allowed to carry $10.00. At Disney.

Does this mean that of all five Happyhaunts, you are the most RESPONSIBLE?This just doesn't fit my mental picture of Mellyman the Banker and his fly-by-the-seat-of-her-pants crazy bride.

Certainly... the poor foreign-language speaking man who I was about to torment and berate on our Mars Team... would be facing more fears. And, most likely, some intense therapy.

I'm lookin' forward to that one.

Keep bringin' the funny, woman. Like only you can.

NM

 

[AshClan]

However... like all my men likes to say. After a few drinks. While desperately trying to get through one of my new chapters, "Well, Mel, it's about 90% bang on. Sadly". And then he gets really really drunk, passes out in a trashed hotel room, leaving me to carry him to bed and roll him on his side so that he doesn't pull a Jimi Hendrix, John Bonham or Keith Moon.

Well, that might be better than the Elvis Death Poop.

I danced through The Land. Feeling GREAT! And fancy free. And footloose.

I got my groove on like Kevin Bacon in a barn mysteriously set up like a gymnasium... for some reason... and sang "I'm too sexy for The Land... too sexy for my van... I'm too sexy for my cat... too sexy for my hat..."

We rounded the kidlets up and headed through Future World. We wanted to pick up Fastpasses for Maelstrom... PSYCHE!!!!!... heh heh.

Yeah, wouldn't it be great if Maelstrom was a Fastpass?!

But I was a little worried. Between lunch, my bathroom festivities and the past adventure through Future World... it'd been parked there a LONG TIME.

Although I wasn't worried about losing money or passes... we had, like, a couple of umbrellas and all of our other crap in there including our water, sunscreen and The Penske File.

Is THAT where the Penske File is? We've been looking for that!!!

Certainly... the poor foreign-language speaking man who I was about to torment and berate on our Mars Team... would be facing more fears. And, most likely, some intense therapy.

Upon return to his homeland.

Poor guy. Had no idea what he was in for!

Great job Mel. Or is it Hamlet?

 

[celerystalker]

I got my groove on like Kevin Bacon in a barn mysteriously set up like a gymnasium... for some reason...

You know what else bugged me? Why lock up all the good stuff in that one freezer thingie? Why not burn it? And why was it ok to dance as soon as you crossed the railroad tracks? And who in their right mind would drive 30 minutes to give his daughter money for a soda? Didn't they have an evening service in his church? It was starting to get dark. They should've been in church.

"Oh. Is that all? Listen and learn, son! We'll just send Calvin back to get it and he can meet us at Mission Space."

I giggled out loud at this.

And also to hide it's terrible beauty.

Kinda like this tripe report? Heh. Just kidding. Your beauty is hideous, not terrible.

And, sometimes, I even dream about it. KWIM?

I'm not sure that I do know what you mean. I dream about WDW and enjoy it - it's a cheap way to visit the mouse. Except for the "nightmares" where I'm on property for 5 days and then realize on the morning of the 5th that I forgot to go to any of the parks. Anyway. My point is, I don't know if our dreams are the same. Cuz I think you like Mission Sinise in a different way than I do. KWIM?

 

[1000thhappyhaunt]

A few lil comments:


KAY ~ Thanks for the message about the editing. Good to see!!!! That's how we play it here. And, yes, I WAS bored. I read your edit message over, over and over. And then over thrice more.

ZZUB ~ I'm glad you're dead...errr...DED.

NM ~ Here's your fork. Now. Pass the pork.

WDWLover ~ Too bad we missed you, too, in October. At the BWV. I agree that we just might be friends, too. Although... it would never work. We ALREADY have a couple of friends named Scott and Laurie. And... I'm blond. KWIM??? Heh heh.

Disfan3 ~ WHERE IS YOUR BLASTED EDIT????!!!!! You... of all people... should know better. You should!!! Naughty girl.

Kimmie ~ You may be both the meanest and dumbest mother... EVER. But... you're lookin' at the GROSSEST. Here. Heh heh.

ZZUBie WWUBie ~ You think that last chapter was BAD????!!!!! You ain't seen nothin' yet, Baby. 'Cause in the next one... I'm bringing SEXY back. (If that's at all humanly possible. Because of the bathroom incident. Stuff. KWIM?)

Pongopoodlelydoo ~ Good. That's really all that matters.

Wheatthins ~ Yes. Perhaps. I MAY be a big chicken. Who knows?! STILL... it seems better than being a lil ol cracker. To Me(l).

Miken'Ike ~ Why in the world were you forcing your tiny twins to go with you on your desperate deadly digestion distress dash? Through the WL?!!!! Is it new wave discipline? Getting even for the childbirth thingie? What? Why? Oh, yes... I'm intrigued. TFI.

Wonders10 ~ Thanks! My pleasure, Bud!!!!

Samc ~ Rolling Tide back yer way, Baby!!

Tinkgirliegurl ~ I think you just may be onto sumpin' sumpin' there.

Nike (again) ~ Yes... I AM the most responsible happyhaunt!!!! Heh heh. Oh. Gee. That felt wrong. Even just typing it. TFI. KWIM?

Ash ~ YOU... got the Penske reference!!!! Good girlie!!! Made prope! To ya. And, yes, now I'll return it to ZZUB. Post haste.

Celerymydear ~ What are you telling Me(l)????!!!! Are you not a huge Gary fan? Is he not the absolute dreamiest???!!!! What is it??? But... we can still be friends anyway. It just means there's more Gary for Me(l).

Now then... thanks all!!!!


I'm off to the beach for more than a week!!!! Sun and fun. So don't expect anything new and crappy to pop up here for a bit. If you need new and crappy... check out ZZUB's Tripey. Report. He's put up a new chapter.

Bleeech.


Rolling, OUT!!!


Cheers, Mel.

 

[barndweller]

Alrighty then. Beach Blanket Bingo time is over, Mellie. We are (im)patiently awaiting new adventures of the red & blue Happyhaunts and the twice ringers as well. Shake the sand outa the various body parts & sit your tanned & rested self in front of the keyboard. Your groupies are feeling neglected. I'm gonna have to re-read some of Zzub's old trippies to get my laugh fix if you don't get to typing pretty soon. That's how desperate I'm gettin'.

 

[Mr. Silly]

So since I have my new program to calculate the number of days (or minutes, or hours, or whatever, I have flags) since a TR has started, and I ran it on this one. It said: 174 days ago. I lost track of which day we were on in this trip report so no ratios could be calculated. Anyone who knows which day we are on and volunteers it will help us in our scientific quantitative analysis of this report.

 

[1000thhappyhaunt]

It's SEVEN. Day sept.

7.

1.
2.
3.
4.
5.
6.
7.

SEVEN!!!!!!!

Oh. Baby.

The sixth successor of 1.


So... do da mathe.


I dare you.


Or else I'll leave you in a parking lot.

Way past the Hummers. Which don't want to be scatched by the unwashed masses. Cars. Or smelly old minivans.

And... ducks will pick your sorry bones clean.

Or poop all around you.


I'm waitin'.

Cheers, your friend, Mel.

 

[Mr. Silly]

It's SEVEN. Day sept.

7.

1.
2.
3.
4.
5.
6.
7.

SEVEN!!!!!!!

Oh. Baby.

The sixth successor of 1.


So... do da mathe.

174/7 = ...


...



...


You don't have a calculator?


....



...


You hate calculators and don't like long division even when it's a three digit number divided by a one digit number? Dude, that's like third grade math isn't it?


...



...



...


..


We are building tension here, in case you can't tell


...



...


The answer is :





42


.


ha ha.


just kidding.


It's really

...


0x18


...


well...


while technically correct, that's hex with an unsigned int... (only nerds can decipher that)


so in decimal it's:


24.857142800857143 (as a signed long which is what my calculator uses)


Yes, ladies and gentlemen!


In this marvelous trip report you get to wait an average of 24.86 days (rounded) to get each individual day of reporting completed.


As we all know, the key to master tripreportology is to break 25, so don't be surprised if you find a few sudden breaks where Mel disappears for a while and posts little as she ruminates and meditates on her art, as a master tripreortologist does.

I dare you.

Dang. I missed that part and did the maths. Well, since you have this dare thing going, I'll say that the number I gave up there is not only not exactly correct, but it actually contains an infantile joke. But you have to do the maths to see. Heh, heh heh. Go ahead do the math. Or are you too chicken?

Or else I'll leave you in a parking lot.

Way past the Hummers. Which don't want to be scatched by the unwashed masses. Cars. Or smelly old minivans.

And... ducks will pick your sorry bones clean.

Or poop all around you.

So, were I a 2-3 year old that would be a really scary threat. As it turns out I am somewhere in the later thirties (but not too late, I like the sound of mid-thirties instead), so I could pretty readily call a cab, or something. Considering that I probably would not get into your stink-van willingly (unless you had some awesome ancient coin you were bribing me with (mmm denarius-a-licious)), I'd assume that the only time I'd ever get in a vehicle with you would be if you were in WDW. So you'd have a rental and could not had yet converted the interior into your natural vehicular habitat of a swampland. And then I'd bring H. along. So your plan would be foiled since you'd have to dump both of us and we'd just laugh, grab a bus, and I'd start furiously writing in my notebook about the crazy Canadian lady who insisted on giving us a ride in her weird smelling car and then dumped us in a parking lot, cackling wildly, and saying something about ducks and poop, which would ultimately make a great trip report entry, and then we would hop on a bus and go to Epcot, and smile since, hey, we were in Epcot.

...
I'm waitin'.


...

It's over. And you lost... Sort of... Depending on your criteria for what is a win, and what is a loss. Do note that while I did give you an answer, the answer is intentionally slightly incorrect. So by my criteria you lost. (Neener neener neener.)

Cheers, your friend, Mel.

Cheers, your weird internet friend, Mr. Silly, AKA Steven, AKA SMB, AKA The Cap'n, AKA many other things as all shadowy and mysterious people are.

<- Did you know I licked these glasses and put one side in my nose as far as it would reach (as an experiment - I'm ever the scientific type).

 

[__disneygirl]

Hi Mel, so glad you are back writing this trippie again! Can't wait for more!