One Wish

[Minerva Mouse]

a Wish journal? hu. I guess you could say I've been toying with the idea for a while, at this point that's all it is. A wish. One wish to the magical wizard and poof thin for life. Speaking of life, it's something I've wished for, for most of mine. I have memories of my weight going back to 3rd grade.

3rd Grade. What a way to wreck a childhood! Never fitting in (literally). I remember one girl who was exceptionally cruel, her name was Christy. From there it was junior high, where songs of "fatty fatty two by four" greeted me daily in math. I remember a lot of tears in Junior high, a lot of hurt, a lot of sadness. From there came High School, years before the "bullying" epidemic we're all so familiar with today. I remembering sitting in front of one of the cool boys in History, daily he oinked or Moo-ed at me, like the pig and or cow, I was. Kids would laugh, as I tried to hold back the tears, to this day this (now) man, still haunts me. I cower in the corner, and cross the street as quickly as possible. The scars are still so fresh. I can even recall my own father, my own flesh and blood once saying to me "Minerva, you'd be the prettiest girl in school (wait for it)



if you'd just loose some weight."


In my early 20's I met a man. A quote/unquote "popular" man. And he what? Wait? He likes me? Me? But he didn't like me, he liked the control and the power he held over me, this shell of girl, with no self worth and no confidence. I found myself the victim of an abusive relationship both physically and mentally. The physical scars heal, but those mental scars, let me tell you, those scars, well, they last a lifetime.

In my mid 20's something inside of me snapped. I vividly remember sitting in psychology class and this little switch inside my head went CLICK! and at 248 pounds (on a 5'4" frame) I said, I don't want to be fat anymore. And just like that, with the help of friend, and good ol' fashion diet and exercise I lost 70 pounds, in just a tad less than 5 months.

I kept the weight off for about 7 years, buy continuing to exercise, and eat moderately. Those we're the happiest years of my life. I felt so alive, I felt like me, I could wear clothes that I never dreamed of wearing, I had friends, and I had more phone numbers than I had fingers. The fat girl was gone! and I swore she'd NEVER be back!

As I sit before you today, balling my eyes out in shame and disgust. I can make excuses, and I can tell you how I found out my then best friend was sleeping with my then boyfriend. I was hurt, and deeply saddened. Shocked more by the "best friend", Guys are slime, we know this. But not my best friend? She was my rock, who does that? It's easier to place the blame on them, to say I was humiliated, that I was afraid I'd run into them in public and I'd see them together, and that the hurt would then only continue to consume me. But the truth is, They didn't make me eat! They didn't hold a gun to my head and force me to stay out of the gym. I did that to myself.

Today, I'm 37 years old and weigh in at a whopping 284 pounds. I'm a food addict, food is my drug of choice, I dream about it, I think about it, it consumes my every thought, it is my 10 second escape, and I don't know how to step away. Unlike a drug addict, I can' just "quit" food. I can't just walk away cold turkey. I have to learn to coexist with my drug, before it kills me.

And let me tell you, my weight is killing me! Not just emotionally but physically as well and it's a horrible life to live trapped inside the body of a fat person. It's like a prison, where you can't wear the clothes you want to wear, or do all of the things you want to do.

I debated on whether or not to create this journal in my real DIS username. I'm hoping that this will be that first push that I have so desperately needed to wake me up! I know I need to change, I so desperately want to change, but it is SOOOOOOOOOOOOOO hard when food is constantly yelling at me, teasing me, calling my name and then jumping down my throat as I walk by! This is step one of my WISH journal.

Step two, exercise.

P.S. If any of you know Shemar Moore I'd really like to meet him, But ONLY after I've lost about 140 pounds. How's that for motivation ladies, lol

[Happy 2 B Me]

Do not look back from now until forever. You have to know how strong you really are to have been misunderstood when you were a child, teen, young adult. Food is a drug and at that a legal drug. Start taking "mind away from food -- far far away-- take walks, go to plays, music events, anything that keeps your mind away from food. Unlike street drugs we must eat to live.

Each week plan to reset your eating habits such as small plates, putting utensil down between small bites. Actually tasting your food. You can do this I am going to follow along at your success.

Oh and not all guys are "slime". You just happened to find a snake. Never ever let anyone treat you with disrespect.

You can do this

[momof2minnies]

Hi I read your journal and say you can do this!!!!!! I have recently read a book by Tosca Reno called Recharged- I lost 10 lbs in 3 weeks, I have maybe another 10 to lose altogether.

She is unbelievable-she will have you hooked on a different way of looking at food and her personal story is yours.

Please pick this book up-you will move forward very quickly and your self confidence will SOAR!!!!!!!

Keep us posted.


Linda

[lmhall2000]

You have pain, but you also have HOPE! Hone in on those years below 180!!!! You did it and CAN do it again! Make it about two pounds at a time, celebrate their exit! Start with just walking 20 minutes a day...you can do this!

I did the same thing! Got down to 140s for ten years, ballooned up to 230s, got down to 170s ballooned up to 265 and am back below 200 and not stopping until I reach goal!

You are not alone, choose to lose and embrace the next beautiful moments life has for you!

[Minerva Mouse]

Thank you momof2minnies, lmhall2000 & Happy 2 B Me. Your words, as simple as they may seem, have brought tears to my eye's. The first step is always the hardest!

Finding the strength to say I'm worth it, has always been difficult for me.

[Minerva Mouse]

While sitting at work today, I remembered something I heard a while back. Not sure, who, or what, or why, or how this popped into my head: But



I've been silently repeating this ALL day, nothing tastes as good as skinny feels. I even ran to the local craft store at lunch and purchased some silver square letter beads. The beads ended up being to big to spell out the entire saying, so I ended up just using the initials. N T A G A S F, I'm ok with this, it gives the bracelet some mystery and makes it my little secret. I will wear this bracelet on my arm 24/7 as a constant reminder. Nothing tastes as good as skinny feels. Nothing tastes as good as skinny feels. Nothing tastes as good as skinny feels!

I was also thinking about taping up pictures of people around the house as a constant reminder? Maybe of myself at a former, more healthy weight, or of other people's before and after photos to help encourage me and keep my mind on track? Maybe pictures of things I'd like to do, once I'm healthy? I'm thinking this may help me.

[momof2minnies]

That is so funny that has been running through my head these past weeks too-did not work last night with a handful of peanut M&Ms but does most of the time-it is so right.

I say nothing feels as good as being able to roll over in bed and not go where your belly leads you but where you want to go with ease!!!!!!!!!

Thats my motto-haha!

Your doing awesome,keep up the great work and positive outlook.We are all here for you.

Linda

[Minerva Mouse]

Good Evening everyone

I need some assistance please. Recipes!

Anyone have any awesome chicken recipes, or any other low cal recipes that fill you up, and taste amazing. Please share!

[Minerva Mouse]

Well, I didn't win the $590 million dollar Powerball so NO personal trainer or personal chef for me. I've still got to do this on my own. Somehow, someway.

I took my measurements last night. YUCK!

Waist - 56
Hips – 59.5
Chest (around arms) - 62
Arm – 18.5
Leg - 30
Calf – 19.5
Neck – 17.5

Soon, I will take the dreaded pictures necessary for my success. I NEVER look at myself in the mirror, because I hate the reflection. And pictures, OH MY. It’s hard to look at those too, so I just don’t take them. But I’m going to do this, and I’m going to put the picture somewhere where only I can see it, so on days where the temptation is running high, I can look at that picture and remind myself what I’m fighting for!

I’ve decided that my goal weight, is HALF of what I am today. 140-145 pounds. Which means I need to loose 140-145 pounds. In order to do this and not feel discouraged I’ve decided to do this in quarters, and celebrate one small accomplishment at a time. Goal #1 is 35 pounds. Realistically, I’m hoping to acomplish goal one in 6-8 weeks. Since I’ve done this before (granted I was 25 then VS 37 today) I know that most people experience the big loss is in the beginning, then things begin to taper off. But I feel that this goal is accomplishable within this time frame.

[lmhall2000]

Originally Posted by Minerva Mouse

Good Evening everyone

I need some assistance please. Recipes!

Anyone have any awesome chicken recipes, or any other low cal recipes that fill you up, and taste amazing. Please share!

Well, if you're doing low carb this one is a fave of my kids and me and dh!

Parmesan chicken..I pound out the chicken (flattened) and saute in olive oil till almost done, then I put this mixture on top of it and finish baking in oven at 375 for about 10 minutes or until golden on top..
equal parts cream cheese/mayonnaise (usually 1/2 cup each for 6 breasts) and 1 cup shredded parmesan cheese...mix all that up and dollop and spread on sauteed chicken breasts, pop in oven and it makes awesome topping! If you're not doing low carb you sprinkle panko bread crumbs on top of the cheese spread before finishing it in oven.

Redneck caviar

2 cans black beans (drained and rinsed)
1 can black eyed peas (drained and rinsed)
1 can shoepeg corn (drained)
1 can Rotel
1/2 cup chopped cilantro (or to taste)
2 cloves garlic minced
6 T red wine vinegar
6 T olive oil
1 teaspoon cumin
1 teaspoon oregano
1/4 cup chopped onion
you can also add one chopped jalapeno if you like

Mix it all together and refrigerate, super served with fritos or whole grain Tostito scoops!