Tell me again why I had kids? Who else has older kids break their hearts?

[pat fan]

I have 2 boys (21 & 18) and sometimes I just want to cry about them. They are really great people, but sometimes are lousy sons. The older one (a senior in college) only calls when he wants money/food and then never says thank you! I left food for him (4 grocery bags!) and his dad called to ask if he had said thank you, and his reply was "no, I haven't picked it up yet", and then never did anyway. He also has made it clear that he'd "Rather die than move home". Nice.

My youngest (works full time and lives at home) would rather talk (message/FB/text) his ex-gf's mom than talk to me. Oh, and has also un-friended me on FB and says he hates Christmas and can't wait to leave here.

What did I do wrong!!???!! Is it normal for the ages they are? Will they outgrow it? They never had the terrible 2's, or bad teenage years, so this just cuts me to the quick.

Sorry, I just needed to get it off my chest. Having a sad mommy night I guess

[hereyago]

Wow.

DD is 12 right now and honestly if she acts like that at 18 and 21, she would have another thing coming.

4 bags of food? Don't do it next time. Does he work as well as go to college?

the youngest, since he is working, does he pay your rent? if not, tell him he can leave anytime as well. He hates Xmas, does he EXPECT you will get him presents with that tude?

At those ages, they are adults and I don't let adults treat me like that. Good luck

[CathrynRose]

I literally *just* had a talk with my 19 y/o son, refreshed the page and this appeared.

I get you. It SUCKS! I keep hearing "they'll grow out of it, they'll grow out of it...." WHEN?? He's flipping 19, I had a TWO YEAR OLD (him!!) when I was 19. I wasn't like that to my mom, ever!

He'll be so mature about some things, and make me so proud and other times he's a real jerk. Says and does things that make me absolutely think "What did I do wrong??" This isn't the kid I raised...I thought.

He actually had decided to join the Marines. PRAISE JESUS! I thought... THANK FLIPPING GOD!! YES!!!!!!!!! Talked with the Marines and the damn Army.... they won't take him. He has asthma. He hasn't used an inhaler in ages - I didn't think they excluded asthma. Dammit.

The 15 y/o - I got unfriended on FB too, just a couple days ago. However - he's 15... I told his sweet ***, he can friend me back, or delete his FB entirely. His choice. I'm his friend, again. He's not nearly as lippy as his brother. But, he's certainly not the perfect little angel.

I don't know. I'm waiting for someone else to weigh in and tell me how much their child snapped out of it.

[rie'smom]

Sorry you're going through this. Our middle child, a son, was just awful for a while but I'm happy to say that around age 21, he outgrew the uglies. He is now just as sweet as guy as a mom could dream of having. I hope this happens for you too.

We do have a 16 year old daughter-YIKES! She is 10000% better than she was at 14 and 15 and I hope 17 is better than 16.

[CathrynRose]

Originally Posted by hereyago

Wow.

DD is 12 right now and honestly if she acts like that at 18 and 21, she would have another thing coming.

FYI - don't jinx yourself. I'm serious. Never say never... I'm telling you. This is truly a friendly warning.

[Christine]

To some extent, I think it's normal. I've had my DD prefer one of her friend's mothers because this woman is pretty darn cool. But she's not a parent like I am and has a horrific problem with one of her children that was probably a direct result of her hands-off parenting. But she treats the teens like "friends" and there's not much I'm going to do about it.

I don't get the "hateful" attitude that you seem to be getting so I'm not sure what is behind that. Sometimes I think teens/young adults act that way because they are more disappointed in the direction they've taken with their own lives as opposed to anything that you've done to them.

Also, many people that age tend to take people for granted that do for them (i.e., the four bags of groceries for your son) and sometimes just need to have that pulled out from under them.

Your younger son is just probably unhappy that he's living at home and is going to take that out on you.

[minniecarousel]

It's their ages! Stop "doing" for them, especially the older one. Once the younger one moves out and has to manage everything on his own, he'll appreciate you then. Our older son moved home after college, for a short time. And yeah, he didn't much like it.

Our sons are late 20's and 30 and both are married. They appreciate us more now than they did at that early 20's/college age. Just give them time, and back off some.

and hang in there, Mom. (it's still a shock to me when I look for my "little boys" and they're nowhere to be found!)

ETA: unfriending on FB is not necessarily a bad thing. Sometimes it's better not knowing too much!

[The Mystery Machine]

Maybe it is time to cut the apron strings, expect senior in college to pay for his own extras and groceries. I have a college sophmore dd and I expect her to pay for her extras, food, etc. She needs to work.

Then I would turn to myself and get my own life if I am worried about my 18yo. I would say that since he hates it there, I expect him to move out, ASAP. DH and I would tolerate that for about 2 seconds.

We have reminded my oldest and the youngest (14) they are free to move out at any time.

So bottom line, sounds like you want to buy their respect when in fact they are the ones that need to earn it, to gain your respect back. Rather die than move back home and can't wait to get out would be cut off from my wallet.

Put the hammer down mama......

[pat fan]

the youngest, since he is working, does he pay your rent? if not, tell him he can leave anytime as well. He hates Xmas, does he EXPECT you will get him presents with that tude?

yes he pays rent, and I want to know what he wants for Christmas and he tells me nothing. I found out he his "hates Christmas & can't wait to leave" thing from someone else. I guess that is his FB status. That's also how I found out he un-friended me. I just figured he hadn't been on in a while.

He actually had decided to join the Marines.

Our youngest was all set for the Army and out of the blue changed his mind and refuses to tell me why.

4 bags of food? Don't do it next time. Does he work as well as go to college?

yes, he works, but has chosen to live off campus so he says he has no $$ with rent etc...To me, that's his choice, he could have lived on campus, but I know he would just ask my mom for food (she lives close to the college) or not eat. and he's my son, I want to make sure he has food.

That's the crappy thing, I love my kids and I'd do anything for them, and they really are good kids. The older one has some issues, college/fraternity crap (I was DEAD set against the fraternity thing but obviously had no say!) but they both have jobs etc...I just don't get this blowing us off thing. It really hurts.

So, I haven't really heard anyone say it will get better. Any hope at all????

[hereyago]

Originally Posted by CathrynRose

FYI - don't jinx yourself. I'm serious. Never say never... I'm telling you. This is truly a friendly warning.

I love my DD, don't get me wrong, but by those ages, she will be grown and I don't put up with her crazy hormonal stuff now, even though she tries

She will do something like this: say she goes to her friends house. now, she knows what time dinner is if she wants it, she has a cellphone, knows how to read a clock. but she will come home later and be like" why didn't you call me for dinner". You are 12 and you know how to reheat things or make your own food.

One time, she wanted to be miss smart mouth when I was about to take us to a movie, guess what? her butt stayed home and I had all the popcorn to myself. so she knows if she does it again, even if she acts crazy before a vacation, I took vacations before i had her and I will take ones after her.

[pat fan]

Put the hammer down mama....

Thanks, I like that saying, made me smile!
Think I will have a talk with DS tonight or tomorrow. Not mean, but nicely tell him that if he's a big boy, then he can start doing more around here and not expect me to take care of him like he's a kid any more. Man it's hard, I think I'd rather do the potty-training thing again!

[Christine]

I also wanted to say: Don't pay much attention to Facebook. The stuff that age group posts for status is full of bravado and swagger. He's trying to look tough and cool. Also, it is NOT cool for an 18 year to have his mom on if he doesn't want that. At 18, you probably don't need to be his friend on Facebook.

My DD is 19 and I was able to read her Facebook. I really hated it and don't even look at it anymore. She puts some idiotic stuff on there and I stopped taking it seriously or getting uptight about it. She's just immature and trying to be cool all the time. It's really so silly.

[CathrynRose]

Originally Posted by hereyago

One time, she wanted to be miss smart mouth when I was about to take us to a movie, guess what? her butt stayed home and I had all the popcorn to myself. so she knows if she does it again, even if she acts crazy before a vacation, I took vacations before i had her and I will take ones after her.

But, I did this stuff too. I promise! I think most can tell I'm a strong personality. I was never wishy washy with the boys, ever.

Don't jinx yourself!! Take it back!!!!

Originally Posted by pat fan

Thanks, I like that saying, made me smile!
Think I will have a talk with DS tonight or tomorrow. Not mean, but nicely tell him that if he's a big boy, then he can start doing more around here and not expect me to take care of him like he's a kid any more. Man it's hard, I think I'd rather do the potty-training thing again!

Oh, I was just mean, about it. I'll keep you updated.

And potty training - you're darn right. I had it done, honest to God, in 2 days for one, 3 days for the other. I didn't push them, so once they were ready, they were ready. You're absolutely right! I'd rather change diapers!!! I feel like I'm dealing with the same thing, anyways....

[The Mystery Machine]

Originally Posted by pat fan

Thanks, I like that saying, made me smile!
Think I will have a talk with DS tonight or tomorrow. Not mean, but nicely tell him that if he's a big boy, then he can start doing more around here and not expect me to take care of him like he's a kid any more. Man it's hard, I think I'd rather do the potty-training thing again!

Well, start thinking of yourself and stop doing for the kids. The more you do for yourself and others the less you will have time to worry about them. Trust me.

Oh and stop reading facebook. I can't stand my 19yodd's stuff. I try to stay away because it is so full of it.

If my kid said they hated Christmas, I would be DONE. Then again I keep asking the kids if we have to celebrate again this yr. If they don't help me with decorations then I will not put them up.

[Rora]

No advice, just