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Old 10-01-2008, 08:20 PM   #16
DisneyDivaMom
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Then I re-read a quote attributed to Eleanor Roosevelt, that helped me put my issues in perspective.

"No one can make you feel inferior without your consent."

Oh, I like that one! I don't let my ex take up real estate in my head. I do much better when I keep that mindset.
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Old 10-05-2008, 08:21 PM   #17
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I'm definitely still working on "getting over" my ex, but one thing that my mom said that sticks with me, and I try to draw on in my weak moments...

"Sometimes there are just things that you won't get an explanation for, that you will never understand. You didn't do anything to deserve what happened to you, any more so than a murder victim did anything to deserve being murdered. Going back over and over your years together thinking you could have done something to prevent it is useless. It was inevitable, like a ticking time bomb."

Not exactly the rosy-est of explanations, but it somehow makes me feel better.

So, next week when my divorce is final, I am celebrating with the following mantra...

"Picked the wrong guy, gave him the wrong finger."
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Old 10-06-2008, 10:05 AM   #18
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Quote:
Originally Posted by connorsmom911 View Post
So, next week when my divorce is final, I am celebrating with the following mantra...

"Picked the wrong guy, gave him the wrong finger."
such a great line!!!

when i first was informed that my marriage was over i was truly devastated. i have always been the man in my extended family where others had turned to for help and solace when they were experiencing troubled times, so when i was going through my breakup i was so amazed and gratified with the support i recieved from everyone. the support was so overwhelming that i truly started to realize, slowly of course, that i was a good person and i shouldnt be so down on life in general. when you receive incredible support form the ex-spouses own family you really start to feel better.

as the hurt passed i decided that i was not going to let this ruin my life. i almost let my depression cost me my long time job, so i woke up an realized i had to take control. i took what happened to me and placed it in its own little compartment, like darcy mentioned, and started to move on with my life.

then the anger started creeping into my life. any time i had felt anger like i was feeling the outcome was never ever any good. it usually made things much worse. anger clouds the rational mind like nothing else. so i refused to give in to it. i am better then that. this was a major realization for me. it was always easy to give into anger, it is harder not to give into anger.

i looked in the mirror and i liked the person i saw there. i still had the love of my sons, still had my job and my health was better then it has been in years. so it was now time to go out into the world and be me. it was odd that after giving my all for so many years and someone gives it back you usually dont feel good about yourself but i did feel good. people would ask me how much weight did i lose and i told them 35 pounds and 130 pounds. they look at me and say 165 pounds and i laugh and tell them i personally lost 35 pounds and i lost 130 pounds off of my back.

so after time i went out into the world and somehow, call it fate or just dumb luck, i met that special person. if i had given in to the anger and let it overtake me i would have never seen her there and would have missed out on what is becoming a very happy time in my life.

strangely i did ask my ex, if she was surprised at my reaction to her telling me she wanted a divorce. she said yes she was and was expecting me to react in a rather nasty and angry nature. i told her that after so many years she never really got to know me after all. i walked away from that smiling and i knew that by keeping my anger in check it changed how i felt and really socked her really good, much better then any angry outburst ever could have accomplished.

hate is just a wasted emotion. that emotion can definitly be used in much better ways

sorry if too long
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Old 10-06-2008, 03:00 PM   #19
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OP;

Just remember that people change over time.
Who you are today is not the same as the person you were 10 years ago, 5 years ago, 1 year ago, or even yesterday.. You learn and grow with each experience.

You are now growing and becoming a different person today, as is your ex. Eventually you will be two people that neither of you know at all.

To many people try to stop and live in that hurt full moment. Leave it where it was, you need some space for your future to be carrying the past around with you.

While i will never forgive my ex for what she did to me, we have children together, and she will always be a part of my life through them.. so i move on..

and found myself even more in love with a wonderful woman whom i never would have met if not for my ex's actions..

Everything happens for a reason...

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Old 10-07-2008, 06:07 AM   #20
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If you just had a tough breakup with your companion recently then you will feel like that your heart is broken and you don’t feel like doing nothing. Its always very difficult to gather the pieces and crop up with a preparation to lead a life by calling your ex back into your life. Probably you will not be aware where to start, and how to work out to continue your life and bring back the happiness into your life.

The Magic of Making up has come up. So when your heart get downs and when you are in a bad state, if someone lends a hand then things seem to be much brighter and getting your ex back is a most puzzling and a tough work which you wouldn’t have tried in your life….unless you know what you are doing.
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Old 10-07-2008, 10:18 AM   #21
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Quote:
Originally Posted by ny to wdw View Post
such a great line!!!

when i first was informed that my marriage was over i was truly devastated. i have always been the man in my extended family where others had turned to for help and solace when they were experiencing troubled times, so when i was going through my breakup i was so amazed and gratified with the support i recieved from everyone. the support was so overwhelming that i truly started to realize, slowly of course, that i was a good person and i shouldnt be so down on life in general. when you receive incredible support form the ex-spouses own family you really start to feel better.

as the hurt passed i decided that i was not going to let this ruin my life. i almost let my depression cost me my long time job, so i woke up an realized i had to take control. i took what happened to me and placed it in its own little compartment, like darcy mentioned, and started to move on with my life.

then the anger started creeping into my life. any time i had felt anger like i was feeling the outcome was never ever any good. it usually made things much worse. anger clouds the rational mind like nothing else. so i refused to give in to it. i am better then that. this was a major realization for me. it was always easy to give into anger, it is harder not to give into anger.

i looked in the mirror and i liked the person i saw there. i still had the love of my sons, still had my job and my health was better then it has been in years. so it was now time to go out into the world and be me. it was odd that after giving my all for so many years and someone gives it back you usually dont feel good about yourself but i did feel good. people would ask me how much weight did i lose and i told them 35 pounds and 130 pounds. they look at me and say 165 pounds and i laugh and tell them i personally lost 35 pounds and i lost 130 pounds off of my back.

so after time i went out into the world and somehow, call it fate or just dumb luck, i met that special person. if i had given in to the anger and let it overtake me i would have never seen her there and would have missed out on what is becoming a very happy time in my life.

strangely i did ask my ex, if she was surprised at my reaction to her telling me she wanted a divorce. she said yes she was and was expecting me to react in a rather nasty and angry nature. i told her that after so many years she never really got to know me after all. i walked away from that smiling and i knew that by keeping my anger in check it changed how i felt and really socked her really good, much better then any angry outburst ever could have accomplished.

hate is just a wasted emotion. that emotion can definitly be used in much better ways

sorry if too long
Sweetheart, you have a beautiful way with words.
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Old 10-07-2008, 05:00 PM   #22
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Quote:
Originally Posted by buena vista View Post
Is it that he bugs you so much, or is it the memory of him and what he did or said (or didn't do or say) that bugs you so much?

If it's the latter, what I did, and what I think the best thing you can do for yourself is to put him and the memory of your life with him in its own place - as part of the story of your past life. Easier said than done, but with practice, putting your past behind you is about recognizing the past for what it is - it's history. It's not actually real right now. It was real, but it's not real now. If what bothers you are the things he did in the past, they can't continue to bother you without your permission, because what it is today is just a tale of what happened. You've dealt with whatever happened. He's no longer part of your life. You have the extraordinary power and gift to choose how the story of what happened will affect you both now and in the future.

I hope that helps. It sure helped me when I went through that .
Another vote for being some of the best advice I've read about a separation from someone you thought you meant a lot to...for me personally, I dwell far too much on the memories. I was smitten with a person I thought was there. He said things and made comments that lead me to believe that he was a good man who cared a lot about me. In the end, it turned out to be the complete opposite.

OP...without hijacking the thread, I'd say that the best way to stop hating your ex is to sit back, think of the good times, and realize that you will have them someday again with someone else who really appreciates you and realizes what a wonderful person you are. I read something somewhere once that went like this: "You can't help how you feel, but you can help how you choose to deal with those feelings". By posting in the first place, I think you are taking the high road by acknowledging your anger and not trying to hide it.

Good luck...I know it's not easy.
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Old 10-15-2008, 04:03 PM   #23
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First, I would simply say that it's normal to feel angry. And disappointed.

This might help --
Very often when people hate someone, they think it is somehow punishing the other person. But hating another person has absolutely no effect on them; it does nothing to them. They may not know and they may not care. *But hating someone does something to you*.
Hating someone changes a person. I've seen a quote which says
"Hatred is like swallowing poison and waiting for the other person to die."

I think it's a helpful quote. I haven't been divorced, but of course, I've felt mad at people. If I'm mad at someone, it helps to think "I'm not going to let them take up my time, or make this a bad day, or whatever." Being angry when I'd rather be enjoying myself or getting things done means that I'm not in control of me, the subject of my anger is.

Hope this helps! Take care of you!
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Old 10-16-2008, 12:11 AM   #24
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Hello! Pamper yourself at any affordable spa's. Or meditate.
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Old 10-16-2008, 01:02 AM   #25
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I've never been married. But the lead singer of one of my favorite bands, a Christian band called the 77's,every so often writes music about his wife that left him( at least this is what I heard). They range from songs with tones like "why did you leave me?" to " This never would have worked out...". Not specifically those words but at least that's the feeling you get from these songs. He was telling the world how he felt. He was writing his feelings down on paper and singing his words to the world.

As Tom (Buena Vista) was saying. Leave the past in the past, and as Tracy (JadedBeauty) was saying she put her down in poems.
The past is in the history books. It's put on paper.Your future can never be written.
Put yours on paper and and put it down with passion so all will know your feelings. In your own sweet time you'll be able to close the book on those feelings.
And remember to always forgive but never forget otherwise bitterness will blind you.
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Old 10-16-2008, 04:13 PM   #26
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Quote:
Originally Posted by magicmouse2 View Post
I am feeling guilty as today I am wishing very bad things on my ex husband. I wrote a list of things that makes my life better since he is gone, but he bugs me so much!!
Any tips on getting over the anger !!!!
I hated my ex for about 5 years after our divorce. Every morning I would say a little prayer that she would get run over by a bus or something. I was continually angry, everything with her was a fight, I was misserable.

Then I realized that it wasn't doing me a single bit of good.

So, I just stopped. She would call me up and start arguing, and I would hang up, when she called back and complained I simply told her that if she yelled at me again, I would hang up again. When I needed something, I would ask, if she said no, I didn't argue. Whenever she asked, as long as it wasn't completely unreasonable, I said yes, If I had to say no, I gave her a simple reason why not and refused to argue about it.

After about 6 months the arguements stopped, we could talk and be civil. After we quit fighting, I began to see some of the things I liked about her in the first place coming back out.

Almost 10 years now from that point, I actually concider her to be a friend and confidant and I know she feels the same. Its a much better place to be in trust me.
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Old 10-21-2008, 07:39 PM   #27
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The best line of advice came from step-dad when I went thru my divorce...

"Temporary Inconvenience for Permanent Improvement"

To me it meant alot of fustration and ill feelings, but they went away and I am a much happier person today.
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Old 10-24-2008, 07:05 AM   #28
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Quote:
Originally Posted by magicmouse2 View Post
I am feeling guilty as today I am wishing very bad things on my ex husband. I wrote a list of things that makes my life better since he is gone, but he bugs me so much!!
Any tips on getting over the anger !!!!
Is he dead or alive?
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Old 11-06-2008, 11:06 PM   #29
Jackee
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Thank you for a nice post..
Men and women both have particular things they need out of a relationship, and if they don't get them the relationship is very unlikely to succeed. Your partner probably broke up with you because one or more of these needs weren't being met, and if you can identify them and how to address them it'll be far easier to get your ex back and what's more...keep the relationship going.
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Old 11-10-2008, 09:22 PM   #30
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Quote:
Originally Posted by connorsmom911 View Post

So, next week when my divorce is final, I am celebrating with the following mantra...

"Picked the wrong guy, gave him the wrong finger."
Love it.

I celebrated mine last summer by buying 160 pts of AKV DVC.... a symbol of my new freedom and ability to be who *I* want to be. I haven't regretted the decision for a moment.

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