Please...help me to understand Alzheimer's

[shadowryter]

Hi all....the last time I posted my dad was taken to the hospital to be evaluated. He was there for a about a week and then was transferred to a locked down facility for dementia patients. Another battery of tests were run, more to check the physical than the mental. They were supposed to keep him there for about 2 to 3 weeks but then it was decided that his Alz was more advanced than once thought. Since he did not have a Health Care Proxy I had to seek Guardianship which was difficult because it was the time of year when things slow down where DH works and money is a bit scarce. The hospital did pay for the lawyer to handle this. From there they helped me to find a place where dad would be spending the rests of his days.

The nursing home is lovely with wonderful people who care deeply for their patients. In the meantime, I am taking care of my mom who is coming along quite nicely after breaking her hip. She came home on December 21st, a few days before my dad was transferred to the nursing home. We had a nice Christmas but we missed him terribly.

Since I am my mothers sole caregiver I have not seen my dad since December 5th. We do however talk to him on the phone. He asks how "all" the kids are doing? There are only 2 of us, me and my brother. A couple of weeks ago he didn't remember who I was though he remembers my mom.

About 2 weeks I go I received a call from the nursing home in the middle of the night. They said when they went to change his bedding his nurse found blood soaked sheets and he was rushed to the hospital. They ran tests but the one he needed was a colonoscopy and the prep caused injury to his heart so the procedure was stopped. The bleeding also stopped but he needed two transfusions.

He is now back at the nursing home and doing well as can be expected. I had a lengthy discussion with his doctor which advised me to place a DNR on his chart. That the chances of survival should his heart stop was next to none. I discussed this with my mom. This is the hardest decision I may ever have to make. I've cried a lot over the past few days and especially today. I can't believe how fast he is declining. How do you set forth something like this? How do you not feel guilty?

I'm sorry this was so long but I felt those of you who have been with me with your advice and well wishes deserved to know what was going on. Thank you for your support.
Linda

[mommasita]

to you and your family.. That must be incredibly hard.

My father in law has been recently diagnosed, and although we all thought it would be such a diagnosis, it is a little shocking..

Thinking and praying for you.

[Deesknee]

I am sorry you have to go through this. I wish I had a magic wand to make the guilt & pain disappear. I lost my Dad just over 1 mnth ago. Just days before he drove his car to my home and sat with me, had lunch, even a couple of laughs. He entered the hospital, with urinary issues, but ended up getting pneumonia ..again. he went to ICU within a day or so of being in the hosp. That is when the doctors had the same conversation with us. The only warning I will give anyone is to make the doctors be specific as to what they are referring to with a DNR. With my Dad it was breathing issues. They put him on a BIPAP machine, then wanted us to sign a DNR so if he couldn't breath when they took him off they wouldn't put him back on it. We said yes. Well, when he came off it, he was sitting up, eating, laughing having a great conversations within 10minutes. So, we had to decide if we/he would want to be put back on the BIPAP again. We had them adjust the DNR to be more specific. He could go on BIPAP, but not int-abated, or feeding tube. no cpr if his heart stops. Then after a couple more times on the BIPAP Dad expressed his discontent with being on the BIPAP machine. (he actually snapped the hose when my brother told him his breathing wasn't going to get better & we didn't know what to do. So... we told the doctors to make him comfortable. But, today I wish I had been more specific about that too. They medicated him so much to make him "comfortable" he couldn't communicate. I wish they had just given enough to take the extreme pain away, so we could have asked what he wanted & he could have been specific. I still feel the guilt, but I know he would not want to live on machines. I think of conversations we had over the years. I know he wouldn't want to be on "life support" in any way. Try to think back to comments your Dad may have made over the recent years, before the Alzheimers. I hope you & your Mom are able to find inner peace to help you through this MOST difficult time. How wonderful you are to be this close to your parents. Again, I wish I had a magic wand. If you would not be offended I will enter you & your folks into my prayers.
Bless you.

[QuiltTeddy]

I know first hand how Alzheimers slowly eats away at the family members, while it slowly breaks down all organs in the person suffering from the disease. Fortunately (and speaking from experiencing the breakdown in my mother), the person suffering from the Alzheimers is not aware of how their body is breaking down. Once they hit a certain point, the downhill slide is quick. Hopefully during this quick downhill slide, they are kept pain free. The pain, though, is felt by the rest of the family and it never really goes away. I wish I could tell you it gets easier as time passes. It's now a 15 months since my mother passed from this disease and it's still very fresh. The only comfort is knowing that my mother is no longer suffering from the debilitating disease.

Stay strong and keep thinking of all the wonderful memories you have from the past. Those memories will help you through the darkest of days. I will keep you and your family in my prayers.

[RnbwSktles]

I wish I had found this thread sooner so that I could have offered you some support along the way!

My FIL has AZ and the last few years have been very rough on DH's family. I think they are finally starting to look at putting him in a nursing home, which I truly think is the best decision.

How my MIL is handling the situation has caused a lot of friction between DH and myself. My in-laws are still young (around 60) so this disease has really put a damper on my MILs lifestyle . She has been "retired" since she had DH about 30 years ago so she's very active socially. She is very responsible with making sure he takes his meds and sees his doctors, but she is easily stressed out. She likes to go out dancing a few nights a week, and a few times a year will take a vacation somewhere with a friend. Two summers ago she went for 3 weeks. Occasionally, it's just a weekend retreat. Sometimes she will just leave him at home all day because she doesn't want to deal with taking him out. I understand the need to get away once in a while for her own sanity, but it ends up putting a lot of responsibility on DH and I. My DSIL is currently living with them, but works full time and then is only home about 4 nights a week (never on weekends).

DH feels guilty that DFIL gets left alone all of the time, so he often brings him up to our house. We live on a 15 acre "farm" so there is always some kind of yard work to do. It used to be that you just gave him a rake and he'd be fine for hours, even if he wasn't actually being productive. Now, DH has to constantly watch him because he will break random things, throw things away, or randomly decide to go to the bathroom in a very inappropriate place. DH spends most of these days yelling at him out of frustration. This is basically every weekend.

I think the biggest problem is that his family overestimates what he can do most of the time. If he can't figure out to turn on the TV or put his pants on, they try to reason with him and say "Do it yourself, you know how to. Show me". 98% of the time this just leads to arguing. DH will give him a task to do, but then yell at him when he breaks something. :

Not surprisingly, this all gets worse when DMIL is gone on a trip.

I feel awful, but I'm kind of ready for the whole thing to just be over.

[shadowryter]

Hi, I feel so sorry that you are going through this too. For me things got so out of hand with my dad. He got violent and wanted me and my mom dead. The police found an 8 inch screw driver hidden under his pillow. The police became involved when he took his car and disappeared one night. I was beside myself with worry and to make matters worse my mom was in a nursing home/rehab because she broke her hip barely a month prior. The police visited my house for three consecutive nights and finally took him out of the house for observation.

He is in a nursing home now and doesn't even know who I am. He declined so fast. It was hard for me because the last words spoken between us was ,"Dad please come home. It's getting cold out here." To which he responded, "%itch!" In front of the whole neighborhood. I didn't hold it against him. I knew it was the AZ talking, not him.

I get it with the unable to dress, turn on a TV, leave all on the lights on in the house and the hot water faucet's running. I had to do a safety check every night. I know it is frustrating when they can't do something as simple as get dressed. Instead of telling him to do it himself I just helped. I explained what he did wrong but jokingly. It was like talking to a child.

I tried to put myself in my dad's place. He was a brilliant man: an electronics engineer. Imagine what went though his mind when the simplest thing was so hard to do if not impossible. It breaks my heart that I was the one who obtained guardianship because he couldn't make any decisions. I put him in that nursing home.

I understand that you MIL is still young and wants to have fun but she should really consider what's going on with her DH. I know that you need to get away sometime because the daily task of taking care of someone with AZ can be all consuming. My DH, me and my DD go on vacation in the fall every year. This year DH and I are hoping to sneak away but not without the help of my DD who has volunteered to stay at home and take care of her grandmother. Believe it or not my mom broke her hip for the second time in less than five months and is back at rehab, so she can't be left alone. I now have two parents in nursing homes.

The decision will have to be made soon as what to do, but for me placing dad somewhere where he would have around the clock care made sense. I feel rested now and I have no regrets. It was the right thing to do. I wish you and your family all the best. Take care.
Linda