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Old 10-23-2013, 03:04 PM   #46
anniemae
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If it were me, I would hammer out some details with the other mom so there are no misconceptions and no angry feelings.

I would ask the other mom to send her daughter with a lunch every day. Tell her it is too much stress for you to try to please her dd and this will make things easier for everyone. She can keep it in your fridge and if it needs to be microwaved, that's fine. That way there is no question or going back and forth, she pulls out her lunch and that's it for her. Done. I would tell her that I will provide breakfast and snacks only. she seems okay with your breakfasts right?
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Old 10-24-2013, 11:40 AM   #47
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I always hate when people don't come back to update their threads. "Wait a minute! What happened? How does the story end?"

So here I am w/ an update!

DD's friend's mother texted me yesterday about something else, so, when I texted back, I said, "By the way..."

And then I sort of explained how I'd been handling meals, that we normally did sandwiches once & something hot on the other day, & asked if her daughter was liking everything okay. I came right out & asked, "Does [her daughter's name] like sandwiches?"

And she replied, "You are so sweet to be concerned about [daughter's name]'s lunch preferences. She tells me how good the food is when she is at your house. Sounds yummy to me also!"

So, I'm not sure what the sneer was for when we had sandwiches last week!

But now I know that sandwiches are perfectly fine w/ her mother, so I think I'm going to go ahead & continue with how I was doing things!

Today, for lunch, we had sandwiches, sliced strawberries, plain chips, & baked beans.

I also remembered to make lemonade.

All this w/ a migraine!

I didn't buy ice cream this week, & she just finished off the ice cream from last week. And now my 4 year old is upset because there's no more ice cream for him.

Anyway, thank you so much for all advice, support, & encouragement!
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Old 10-24-2013, 11:46 AM   #48
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Imzadi View Post

Then we come to the crux of it all. you are a people pleaser and you aren't in charge of this situation because of it. This girl CAN and has manipulated you, because at CORE you'd rather be liked than do the right thing and teacher her properly: how to be a gracious guest.

The "since she's paying me," excuse is just that, an excuse. What you are really asking yourself is, "Will she LIKE me if I. . ."

If she said she wanted to put her hand in fire would you let her? No, you know that is unhealthy & unsafe. You wouldn't care if she didn't like you then. But, you do let her emotionally manipulate her into giving her the unhealthy foods she prefers. So basically this whole situation is about you being liked instead of sticking to your own routine, doing what is best for your family and the situation. And what you are role modeling to your own kids is that it is better to do anything to be liked, than to do the right thing.

Seems like this is a teachable moment for you and for the girl.

You both need to learn about LIMITS. You need limits on what you will do to be liked. And to tolerate not being liked and to live through that. That your values and how you run your household is more important than being liked. That you won't throw them all away when someone enters your home. That how you raise your kids is acceptable and good for the other kids that come into your home. You don't throw them away just to be liked. You teach your kids this by role modeling this.

This girl needs to learn the limits of what what a gracious guest is while in another's home. She needs to learn how to adapt. When given the opportunity of being asked what she likes, that yes, she can speak up, but she needs to learn the limits of asking for things that are reasonable and healthy. She also needs to learn the limits that not everything will or should be provided for.

She also needs to learn that when a hostess is being gracious and overly-accommodating, she needs to grateful of what is being offered, and again to self-impose limits. Not to be greedy of what to ask for in these cases. She shouldn't be asking for special accommodations when there is nothing else to drink besides water. And she needs to learn not to eat other people's portions, that she eats the husband's portions and he has none.
[Bolding mine)

Wanted to add... this is absolutely true. And I do need to learn this.

Let me tell you a little secret about me... I've had this problem my entire life. Just last year, in church, our pastor, as part of a demonstration, asked each of us to write down on a piece a paper something that was holding us back from living to our full potential & then lay it on the altar. I wrote down on my piece of paper, "I am not enough."
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Old 10-24-2013, 11:48 AM   #49
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Wendy31 View Post
I always hate when people don't come back to update their threads. "Wait a minute! What happened? How does the story end?" So here I am w/ an update! DD's friend's mother texted me yesterday about something else, so, when I texted back, I said, "By the way..." And then I sort of explained how I'd been handling meals, that we normally did sandwiches once & something hot on the other day, & asked if her daughter was liking everything okay. I came right out & asked, "Does [her daughter's name] like sandwiches?" And she replied, "You are so sweet to be concerned about [daughter's name]'s lunch preferences. She tells me how good the food is when she is at your house. Sounds yummy to me also!" So, I'm not sure what the sneer was for when we had sandwiches last week! But now I know that sandwiches are perfectly fine w/ her mother, so I think I'm going to go ahead & continue with how I was doing things! Today, for lunch, we had sandwiches, sliced strawberries, plain chips, & baked beans. I also remembered to make lemonade. All this w/ a migraine! I didn't buy ice cream this week, & she just finished off the ice cream from last week. And now my 4 year old is upset because there's no more ice cream for him. Anyway, thank you so much for all advice, support, & encouragement!
I'm guessing you are reading WAY too much into a perceived "sneer" or other looks that aren't being expressed.

Like so many have said, quit overthinking. Stop worrying, it has to be exhausting to live this way, you are fine.
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Old 10-24-2013, 01:52 PM   #50
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Quote:
Originally Posted by RadioNate View Post
I'm guessing you are reading WAY too much into a perceived "sneer" or other looks that aren't being expressed.

Like so many have said, quit overthinking. Stop worrying, it has to be exhausting to live this way, you are fine.
This, exactly!

My guess is that the perceived "sneer" was more along the lines of "teenage girl trying to figure out what to put on her sandwich when faced with a gazillion more choices than she normally has at home".

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Old 10-24-2013, 02:24 PM   #51
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Wendy31 View Post

So, I'm not sure what the sneer was for when we had sandwiches last week!
This is mostly just being a teen. Ignore that part.

Though I will say, I am in my 30's and I really don't like my food to touch or mix. I am getting over it but I used to be like her that if something touched, I ate around that and would not eat the parts that touched.
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Old 10-24-2013, 02:45 PM   #52
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Side note; other than babies, don't people kind of NEED to drink water? I mean, you can survive without it, but it's not healthy right?
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Old 10-24-2013, 03:09 PM   #53
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Ohhhhh, I am not in any way thinking that the OP read to much into that reaction, aka 'sneer'.

We ARE talking about a 13 year old teenaged girl!

OP, Yes, I do think that you are a big people-pleaser... and you are placing too much value on these things that you are putting such effort into as a mother (wife, friend, etc....)

Perspective can change a LOT!!!!!!

And, if this girl is being 'forward' (like my DH's best buddy might have been.... again BTDT) and is eating all the ice-cream, pork sliders, etc.... YOU NEED TO BE PROACTIVE, AND NOT LET THAT EVEN HAVE AN OPPORTUNITY TO OCCUR. Only the snacks and fruit, etc... that you have placed out for the day should be fair game, especially on those two days that she is in your home, and especially without asking and clearing it with you. Other things should kind of be hidden away. Again, being proactive, and perspective!
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Old 10-25-2013, 04:11 PM   #54
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Would it help you feel better if you had a stock of things she does like that is easy for her to prepare herself? Something like cup ramen noodles or forzen dinners? That way if she really doesn't like what you have out, she always has an alternative?

I have exchange students from Japan (15 yr old girls!) every year for about two weeks. Talk about culture shock for them. The girls are always very polite and will eat whatever I serve. But I try to have a few easy things around so she can help herself whenever she wants.

All part of growing up - learning to choke down a few things to be "polite".
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Old 10-25-2013, 04:35 PM   #55
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My daughter didn't want her food to touch until she was well into adulthood! She still has some texture issues with food, but there is no sign of autism there; she has three children and homeschools them. And she still eats what is on her plate, one item at a time.

I also think you need to set a few limits; if you didn't buy ice cream for everybody, then what is left is saved for the youngest members of the household. But if she is accustomed to being able to just go in and get the ice cream, then she will continue to do so; she isn't used to sharing what is in the house. You have to voice the limits, even though it will nearly kill you to do that.

I am also a people pleaser, but I am learning slowly that I can't please all the people, all the time.
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Old 10-25-2013, 11:05 PM   #56
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I also hate for my food to touch. I'm better about being able to separate the contaminated food and eat around it now, but when I was a child I could not stand it.

We eat off divided plates here.

I also don't drink water very often. In fact, very, very rarely. It probably isn't healthy but I just don't care for water.

ANNNNDDDDD... speaking from someone who spent a lot of time at friends house at that age I was always uneasy about getting into someone's fridge and making my own food. I would eat if someone offered a plate, or a friend offered to make me one of what they were having also, but to me to go into someone's fridge and just make my own food was rude.

And her response "okay" to whether she likes something should be interpreted as "I don't want to be rude but it's not my favorite thing in the world."

She's a typical teenager who is spending time with a friend. IMO, you are trying way too hard and way overthinking this. But it really is sweet you are concerned.
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Old 10-26-2013, 02:04 PM   #57
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Frankly I wouldn't be buying nor serving anything different for her than I did for the rest of my children.

It's quite simple "This si what we re having for lunch. If you don't care for it make yourself a PBJ sandwich".

Of course this is coming from a woman whose mother had a sign on the fridge that said "This isn't Burger King. You don't get it your way".

Mom always made it very clear that she was not a short order cook in a diner so she would make one meal and we would like it and eat or we could eat PBJ or cereal.

Amazingly enough, I survived.

Meanwhile this kid sounds a bit rude and a little bit of a PIA.
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