Please...help me to understand Alzheimer's

[shadowryter]

Hi all, it's been a while since I posted. As you can imagine it isn't easy living with a parent with Alzheimer's. To make matters worse my mom fell off the dining room chair on November 4th and fractured her hip. She's doing great. Has had surgery and has been in rehab and will hopefully be home in a couple of more weeks. Now I'm dealing with him first hand and it isn't easy which brings me to the present.
Tonight he grabbed his car keys and left. No word or mention just out the door. Two hours passed and he still wasn't home. He can't drive well during the day, night time is impossible. I thought maybe he went to see my mother in rehab but when I called her that wasn't it and now she was worried. After another half an hour she begged me to call the police so I did. An hour later there was a knock at the door and there was dad and an officer. The cop asked to talk to him and that's when his license was surrendered. Right now he is not a happy camper. He's been yelling alot but has since calmed down. I have his license and the keys and he won't be getting them back. Let's see what the morning will bring.

[SleepyDeb]

I am very sorry you are going through this. Unfortunately, it will not get better, only worse. I suggest you prepare for the time when he will need to go to a nursing home. Speak to an elder care attorney and start looking at homes. It will reach a point where you cannot care for him at home, perhaps it has already reached that point . Some people continue to try, and then accidents happen. My FIL fell, hit his head, and died. Other people have set the house on fire. Some people get violent It is a terrible, terrible disease and all you can do is keep him and you safe. He's not going to get better, no matter what medicine he's on. Medicines can slow the disease, make person more stable for a while, but nothing has been discovered yet that reverses or stops it. It is a fatal disease. And when he is in a home you will be able to visit everyday if you choose to see that he is being well cared for. He will be more comfortable because life will be more stable and predictable.

I wish I could give you uplifting news. All I can do is offer a >hug<.

[shadowryter]

Originally Posted by SleepyDeb

I am very sorry you are going through this. Unfortunately, it will not get better, only worse. I suggest you prepare for the time when he will need to go to a nursing home. Speak to an elder care attorney and start looking at homes. It will reach a point where you cannot care for him at home, perhaps it has already reached that point . Some people continue to try, and then accidents happen. My FIL fell, hit his head, and died. Other people have set the house on fire. Some people get violent It is a terrible, terrible disease and all you can do is keep him and you safe. He's not going to get better, no matter what medicine he's on. Medicines can slow the disease, make person more stable for a while, but nothing has been discovered yet that reverses or stops it. It is a fatal disease. And when he is in a home you will be able to visit everyday if you choose to see that he is being well cared for. He will be more comfortable because life will be more stable and predictable.

I wish I could give you uplifting news. All I can do is offer a >hug<.

Thanks for the hug. Yes it is worse. It went from "I'm just hurt that they took my license away. I'll have to get over it." to...."You took my license away. You could have stoppped it. Your not my daughter anymore. You're dead to me!" I know it's his illness though he was always a mean man when I was growing up. I left home when I was 17...no college...straight to work. We were estranged for 10 years. I only came back because my younger brother was dying and my mom needed my help. Two open heart surgeries saved him for awhile until too many blood transfusions and the onset of Aids ended his 29 years in '87. I met my future husband the year before while home and my brothers death seemed to soften my dad but today I don't know that man. Even after being brought home by the police he still wandered off yesterday and was brought home by the police again. I went out to move his car yesterday and saw that the tires were flat. Well they did't get that way by themself. Now he's ranting because he says he has a buyer for the car and believes that he can sell it and keep the money regardless that the bank still owns the title for the loan. I can't convince him otherwise and I'm tired of trying.
My mom is in rehab due to a fractured hip 3 1/2 weeks ago. He was mad at her because she insisted that I get the police involved so I called 911. He yelled at her that he didn't love her and never did. Again just words but my parents have had a rough history regardless of their nearly 60 year marriage. Honestly, I don't know how she ever put up with the guy. She even left him for about 2 years but came back when he begged her to. These words stung but she still said, "It's ok...I love you anyway." Now the story is completely twisted, how she broke his heart. He doesn't even remember what he said to her...oh..but he remembers what he said to me. Oh well, I'll keep you posted.

[SleepyDeb]

Remember, you cannot reason with an AZL patient. Their brain is broken. You can spend all day trying to explain it to him an you will just have wasted your day. You need support from the AZL Association and others. There is assistance out there. Since your doctor is not being very helpful, you need to find it on your own.

I'm not there, and I'm not a geriatric professional (although my daughter is) but from what I'm hearing, you cannot take care of him yourself. He's too sick. He wanders off, he is non-compliant with meds, he's combative. You wouldn't try to take care of someone with cancer home alone. You need help.

What area of the country are you in?

[shadowryter]

Originally Posted by SleepyDeb

Remember, you cannot reason with an AZL patient. Their brain is broken. You can spend all day trying to explain it to him an you will just have wasted your day. You need support from the AZL Association and others. There is assistance out there. Since your doctor is not being very helpful, you need to find it on your own.

I'm not there, and I'm not a geriatric professional (although my daughter is) but from what I'm hearing, you cannot take care of him yourself. He's too sick. He wanders off, he is non-compliant with meds, he's combative. You wouldn't try to take care of someone with cancer home alone. You need help.

What area of the country are you in?

I live in Massachusetts...things have gotten so much worse. He was fine last night...talked to my mom on the phone and said how much he missed her and loved her. This morning he screamed at her...said he hated her and me and wished us both dead. He took th eplates off his car and hide them and took the battery out of our land line phone...but I can still use speaker phone. My daughter says she fears for my life....should I be worried???What can I do? My mom called his doctor and he will call me later today. But he has gone down hill so fast. I'm beginning to feel a little scared. I woke up and stared at the ceiling this morning with tears in my eyes. I got up, made a pot of coffee and then went to my bedroom and cried my eyes out. I don't know why...stress I guess. Luckily my DH works nights and was there for me. I'm lost at this point.

[SleepyDeb]

Yes, that is what happens with ALZ. They have moments of lucidity, which lulls you info a false sense that things are getting better. Those moments will come less frequently as the disease progresses.

I wish I could tell you things will get better. They won't. This is why no one person can do it on their own.

[Caseheidi]

My MIL also has ALZHEIMER'S, and we ended up placing her in a care facility. She just became too much for us to handle, and it just progressed so fast. It is sounding to me like your family may need to consider this option.
A teacher at the ALZHEIMER'S Society put it best for us when he related this illness to a dance. The "Dance of Dementia" he called it. The patient is the only one who knows the steps, and we as loved ones and care givers can only try to keep up. Remember, by placing a loved one in a care facility, you are just keeping up with the dance steps.
Does your Mom have Power of Attorney? If not, you need to take steps to get it. With all you have shared, your Dad is not able to make decisions now and is a danger to himself and others. I would really encourage you to tour some facilities and check out this option.
Also look into Medicade. There are many rules and protections in place so that your Mom can still have her home if your father needs Medicade to pay for his care. Mostly you need to prepare for this eventually.
Mostly now, you need to take you time, and couple time. Being a care giver is exhausting, demanding work. Look into place who offer assistance. Someone to stay with Dad whole you get a break. You are not alone. Sounds like most of us are either there with you or have been in the past. Turn to your support network as much as you need to.

[SleepyDeb]

Shadow, I sent you a PM.

[shadowryter]

Last night my dad took off again. He said he was moving out and going to find an apartment. Our neighbors happened to be outside at the time so he decided to stop there first. He rambled on about how I am stealing his money and I had his license taken away so my husband could have his car. I ran after him and asked him to come in as it was getting cold out. He wouldn't listen to me and took off down the street calling me all kinds of horrible names. I told our neighbor that dad has Alz. Wouldn't you know his mom does too so he understood. My dad turned back and shouted in front of everyone that he was going to take all his pills and kill himself. My husband managed to get him into the house and I had to call 911 again. The officers called an ambulance to take him to the hospital for evaluation especially since they found a screwdriver hidden under his pillow. For that instant I didn't feel safe in my own home.
He is still in the hospital and this morning he told everyone there how he flattened the tires of his car and took off the plates an hid them. He also took the battery out of the land line so I couldn't call the police. I have my cell so it doesn't matter. His psychiatrist told me medically he was fine but that he could not come home. He's being moved to a psych ward and will undergo tests. I am so saddened by this but had no other choice. I slept last night for the first time in days.

[SleepyDeb]

Yes, you did have to. I'm glad you will start to get the help you need.

[robinb]

I read your apology thread and saw this one today. I can't offer any advise, but I can offer your lots of {{hugs}}. You need to do what's best for your father and the rest of your family. It sounds like the psych ward is the first step.

[kacaju]

I am so sorry to read about everything you have been through lately.

[Caseheidi]

Sorry that things have escalated to this point, but I am happy for you that you have the help and support you need right now. I wish I could tell you that everything will be better now, but I would be lying. This situation often results in your best choice being the hardest one to make. Stay strong, and get some rest in this well deserved break you have. I hope you find a good resolution soon and that your Mom is well on the road to recovery. Your Dad's illness is nasty, and we just have to remember that he is just not on control, and sometimes we need the help of professionals.

[Woth2982]

I am so sorry you are going through this. It is such a hard disease. Remember to be patient. This disease transforms its victims. My grandmother was very docile all her life, but when she would get an infection she would wander and get combative. Thankfully I never had to witness that. As hard as it was, once she was put in the "lock down" unit at the Alzheimer's care center things got better. She was able to have round the clock help, and because they are literally locked in, we didn't have to worry about her wandering. **Hugs** if there is anything I can do let me know!

[QuiltTeddy]

My mother had alzheimers for a number of years. It is hardest on the family members. The caregiver gets the brunt of the hate. My mother was just horrible to my father. She would kick him for no reason, hide from him and just be verbally abusive. After two years he finally reached the end of his rope. He commented that he felt like he was "sitting in the house waiting to die". He could not even go out to the mailbox without having to suffer the abuse when he came back in the house. The most difficult thing was the fact that he would not allow my mother to drive. Forbidding and preventing driving takes away their independence and thus creates even more anger.

My mother ended up having to be put in an assisted living, locked unit, for her own safety. She was there for almost two years. As the disease progressed she had to be moved to a full on nursing home where she lasted only 2 months.

Alzheimers is a dreadful disease that not only robs the person suffering of all dignity, but robs the family members of what should be "the golden years".

It has been a year since my mother passed and although they say "it gets easier", I don't see that happening. Know that you need to have a lot of patience and, yes, you will continually repeat things. Know that merely answering with a short answer is the best thing to do. As soon as you give your response, it will be forgotten, so it's not necessary to be elaborate with your response. Know that it is better to merely keep answering the same thing over and over because that will create less anger. Know that the drugs won't stop the disease, but merely delay the inevitable. Know that although you will find yourself becoming frustrated, it is even more frustrating to the person suffering with Alzheimers. They know their brain isn't functioning properly, but they have no control over it and are probably more frustrated than you are.

Most importantly, cherish every day because one day you won't have your loved one. Sending hugs across the miles and also know, you are not alone!