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Old 08-07-2012, 01:13 PM   #16
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Quote:
Originally Posted by cornflake View Post
Not for nothing, but a lot of what you describe sound like behaviours not unusual for kids without any diagnosable anything.

Different kids are different. Some kids are more stubborn, or will argue about anything under the sun. Some are negative, some are uber positive. General personality is pretty set in the womb.

I'm not saying your daughter doesn't have issues or etc. I have no idea. Just saying that her acting completely differently from how your other daughter did, not seeing things or responding the way you'd think would be obvious, and the parenting techniques that you'd developed that worked great the first time round having no effect, etc.? This happens with lots of "normal" kids too.

Haven't you met any "if we'd had him/her first, he/she'd be an only child' people?
she said in the first post that her daughter WAS diagnosed at 20 months. Unless you know more than her doctors, the suggestion that simply she needs to parent better is pretty insulting. I'm insulted, and I'm not even the OP.
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Old 08-07-2012, 11:49 PM   #17
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My dd is 9, and has been in and out of various therapists for over 3 years. None have done any good. She is a master defector and no therapist has ever even cracked the surface of her behavior issues. My daughter has two major issues: Anxiety and explosive (meltdown) behavior (as you described). She has put holes in her door, in her walls, has hit me (and very rarely others if she is "backed into a situation"), has hit herself, etc.

No parenting book has ever described a child with the tenacity of my daughter. I've followed every technique to the nth degree-she always comes out the winner.

All that said, I will tell you what has worked the best---getting to the "root" of the behavior. For my daughter 99.9% of the time her explosions are a direct result of anxiety. Over time I have come to realize that anxiety, as felt by my dd, is not a typical, garden variety type of anxiety. It is full on panic, fight or flight inducing anxiety. And it can be brought on days later, after days of minor things, or completely seemingly "out of the blue". But when the anxiety/panic occurs all bets are off on her controlling her impulses or behavior.

So, reduction of anxiety is the key. Recognizing the warning signs of stress build up. Developing a mood barometer-type sixth sense that allows you to decrease the expectations and pull back on the requirements.

I think any parent of NT kids would call this a lax parenting tactic. I think any parent of a child with AS would tell you it's the key to everyone's sanity.

Tomorrow's a new day. Bad days happen for all of us.
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Old 08-08-2012, 12:03 AM   #18
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Originally Posted by kirstenb1 View Post

Now to my question. When I said Zoe will do something hard headed, like persisting in laying on top of her sister, when her sister says stop. I sometimes feel like I'm in the Groundhog Day movie. Despite being told to stop, Zoe will do the same exact thing several times a week. Like it either never sinks in, or she's being hard headed. BTW, ironically, in her special ed preschool, she was the one kid who could correctly identify pictures of different facial expressions with the correct emotion, so I tend to think she understands when people are mad (but it is for some reason not relevant to her, no sarcasm intended, at all).

Do you ever find with kids with ASD that things really do not ever sink in? Or do they sink in, but it's less relevant than for the average person? That is my sincere question.

My dd does things like this too. I think she doesn't really "get" how other people see this as such obnoxious behavior (your dd's face recognition may not translate in actual situations yet). In fact, she might see it somewhat as a game, becuase it usually gets a rise out of people.

My dd doesn't learn lessons in the typical way. She rarely is able to connect her behavior to a consequence-instead she blames me for the consequence. All I can say is keep at it in the hopes that through age and maturity, these lessons will stick.

Natural consequences are the best: such as the sister not sitting next to her anymore. And being "angry" with her is a natural consequence. I don't think AS should be a ticket for behaving rudely, but understand that she may not understand how offensive her behavior is, as her theory of mind is limited.
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Old 08-08-2012, 08:01 AM   #19
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Grace, I was hoping you'd see this!! I can remember you posting about your dd a couple of years ago, and Zoe reminded me of her. Thanks!

Everyone, I did ask Zoe's OT for advice. She said Zoe had always been so passive that this was progress. She said she thought Zoe was trying to control things, and gave me some ideas to work on.

Cornflake, for the millionth time the whole DIS has asked, do you even have children?
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Old 08-08-2012, 12:18 PM   #20
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@ kirstenb, yes my dd has behaviors that definitely look willfully malicious! And your OT is correct imo, it does stem from a need to control, but getting deeper than that---the underlying reason why she needs to control is probably due to anxiety. I only know my dd, so can't be sure about Zoe, but truly-anxiety reduction methods will get you further than "disciplining" the controlling behaviors.


One thing I wanted to add is that we often don't realize that our AS children do not interpret things like emotions and body language as well as our NT brains. So, brustling or acting angry doesn't always make a clear impression. I tell everyone my daughter is around to be VERY SPECIFIC AND CLEAR when communicating with her. So, if she is bugging them I encourage them to say "I don't like it when you ______. Please stop doing ________ now ". Clear, concise statements not laced with confusing emotional tones work best with my dd.
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Old 08-15-2012, 03:52 PM   #21
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Quote:
Originally Posted by kirstenb1 View Post
Now to my question. When I said Zoe will do something hard headed, like persisting in laying on top of her sister, when her sister says stop. I sometimes feel like I'm in the Groundhog Day movie. Despite being told to stop, Zoe will do the same exact thing several times a week.
I don't have any experience with any of this, but here is a thought.

Like others have mentioned, Zoe may have problems with the "action = consequence" model. It could be that she is willful, or it could be that she cannot "get" that she should not do that. You may be projecting the way you think onto her when she can't do that.

Why is she laying on her sister? Is she trying to get attention but doesn't know how? Is she trying to get some physical interaction but doesn't really know how? or maybe she is just trying to annoy her sister. It could be that she has started a routine of lying on her sister during the Oprah show.

Perhaps you could talk to your older daughter...say that you want to try something different. If zoe usually lays on her during a certain time, then maybe she could do an activity with her sister. Change the model.
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