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Old 04-28-2012, 07:46 PM   #166
kimmyann
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I didn't know this thread was here. I lost my mom on Feb 28, 2008 to complications from COPD. Time has helped, I no longer get those bouts of horrible, helpless, empty feelings of pain like I did. Now I just live with guilt & regrets.

My mother had a history of mental illness & would not let us help her. She would complain excessively of being lonely, but would never move in with any of her five kids or allow us to move in with her. (this is after my dad died in 2002 of pancreatic cancer) I became very frustrated with her, to the point I would ignore her phone calls sometimes just to keep my sanity. My brother moved her out of her house & into a assisted living facility in January 2008. After several hospital visits, I knew she was very unhealthy, but she continued to smoke even with full oxygen. I got a phone call at 3am that she was being taken again to the hospital. So of course I got up & went. This time it was different...when the Dr finally came out he took my sister & I to a room & informed us that she was incubated because she could not breathe on her on. When we were finally able to see her she could not speak. We asked her to write down what she wanted, she said a coke, we all laughed, never realizing that was the last time we would ever communicate with her again.

Then.....we killed her. After a week of the Dr's trying for her to breathe on her own, we were left with the decision of taking her off the ventilator & let nature take it's course or having a permanent one put in her throat & her be in such a bad state that she would be bedridden for the rest of her life. There was no recovery. I feel sometimes that we should have let her live, that maybe she would have gotten better enough to function. I know her family Dr told the hospital that she was not even a candidate for a ventilator, but I still can't get past the guilt that we killed her. She would have never gave up on any of us like that. After her death, some of my siblings pushed for her apartment & house to be cleaned out as quick as possible, another regret. It was too fast. We threw away things I want back. I didn't get time to say goodbye to the house I grew up in. I can't get anything back & it hurts.

A couple of things that have helped me (or maybe not) is that the morning she died, I had went home for a few hours of sleep. I had a dream that I was in a room & two nurses (old fashioned ones with the big hats) where sitting down when I walked in & said something like "she is fine, we will take care of her now". The phone woke me up from that dream...it was my sister in law calling to tell me my mom just died. I & my brother had dreams after that, which really made me believe that there is a process to dying. I also have recently realized that maybe she wasn't so crazy....looking back I now understand alot of why she was the way she was, I just wish I could let her know.

Sorry this got so long, I just have kept it in for a long time. Thank you for having this thread.

Kim
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Old 04-28-2012, 08:56 PM   #167
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Kimmyann- I am so sorry for the loss of your mom, and for the regret. You did not kill her, the COPD killed her, and you were able to make the decision to let nature take its course, and to allow her to go with dignity and comfort. It is such a hard decision and I hope you can find peace with it, and know you did what you felt was best for her, and what the doctors also thought was best too.

I lost my mom almost 3 years ago, and she had copd, diabetes, and multiple health issues, and being a nurse I feared the day me and my siblings might have to make that decision, but then she was diagnosed with terminal lung cancer and passed a month later. I think no matter what happens we always have regrets, and wonder if we could have done more to help the ones we've lost.

It is so hard with copd, and I have watched many people struggle with that disease, and I think you did the right thing, and your mom is at peace now. I would like to think she is out there, and knows what you are feeling. I agree the dream you had right as she died seems like a sign she is ok, and would not want you to be feeling badly. Hang in there. I hope talking about the guilt can help you find peace with it too.
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Old 05-11-2012, 11:00 AM   #168
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Never knew that this post existed until I decided to play around a bit on the Disboards for more than just "Resorts" and "restaurants". With Mother's Day coming up this was a nice thread to read in the sense that you feel you're not alone. I lost my mother 3 years ago to Breast Cancer - her 3rd time having it. She was 13 days past her 56th birthday (way too young) and I was 4 days past my 26th. Needless to say that time of year is no longer really "special" to me. I'm sure we can all say that one thing is for sure about it - it sucks!
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Old 05-11-2012, 08:14 PM   #169
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Quote:
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I'm sure we can all say that one thing is for sure about it - it sucks!
I'm sure we all will agree with you on this no matter how old we are.

Sorry for you loss.
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Old 05-27-2012, 02:25 PM   #170
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Just found this thread...actually just rejoined. When it started my mom was still alive. I lost her one month ago but I survived my first mother's day without her and now my first birthday. I am happy she is out of pain but oh I miss her.

Maybe Tinkerbell will go up to Heaven and give her a hug for me too.
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Old 05-27-2012, 07:26 PM   #171
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Originally Posted by Inventor View Post
Just found this thread...actually just rejoined. When it started my mom was still alive. I lost her one month ago but I survived my first mother's day without her and now my first birthday. I am happy she is out of pain but oh I miss her.

Maybe Tinkerbell will go up to Heaven and give her a hug for me too.

I am sorry that you have lost your precious mum, "first" days are so hard after we lose someone we love.
Hold your special memories of your mum close to your heart.
Sending you a big

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Old 05-27-2012, 10:20 PM   #172
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This is my first Memorial Day without my Mom. I expected to be sad on Mothers Day, I thank God I have the husband & kids I do, they did EVERYTHING they could to make it simply soothing for me. I however, didn't expect for this weekend to hit me so hard. I have always gone to the cemetarys (grandparents and brother) planting flowers and such, but have really thought of it more of an "american veterans remembrance day". Today we went to the cemetary (flowers were already planted for Easter/Mothers Day. Although, I know it "was her time" I miss her so much. As DH & I plan a vow renewal, and trip to WDW, it just doesn't seem right without her.
A side note.. we also went to the grave of a dear friend who took his own life in March, so I know that is hitting me too. It's a long sad story, but his name has not been added to the tomb stone yet, and that upset me as well. I do take comfort in believing in the forgiveness of sins & that he & my Mom are in heaven playing Yahtzee together. They loved each other very much.
Sorry, this has been wordy. But thanks to all who started & kept this going so I & others have some where to type as the tears drip down. Peace to all.
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Old 05-27-2012, 11:43 PM   #173
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Deesknee View Post
This is my first Memorial Day without my Mom. I expected to be sad on Mothers Day, I thank God I have the husband & kids I do, they did EVERYTHING they could to make it simply soothing for me. I however, didn't expect for this weekend to hit me so hard. I have always gone to the cemetarys (grandparents and brother) planting flowers and such, but have really thought of it more of an "american veterans remembrance day". Today we went to the cemetary (flowers were already planted for Easter/Mothers Day. Although, I know it "was her time" I miss her so much. As DH & I plan a vow renewal, and trip to WDW, it just doesn't seem right without her.
A side note.. we also went to the grave of a dear friend who took his own life in March, so I know that is hitting me too. It's a long sad story, but his name has not been added to the tomb stone yet, and that upset me as well. I do take comfort in believing in the forgiveness of sins & that he & my Mom are in heaven playing Yahtzee together. They loved each other very much.
Sorry, this has been wordy. But thanks to all who started & kept this going so I & others have some where to type as the tears drip down. Peace to all.

I guess we all know that the natural order of things is bury our parents but somehow that doesn't make losing them any easier. It is so hard to have all family celebrations without people that we love, there is always that ache in your heart.

Best wishes to you and your husband for your vow renewal I am sure your mother will 'be there' (if that makes sense).

to you and your family

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Old 05-28-2012, 06:18 PM   #174
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Quote:
Originally Posted by quasar4legs View Post
I guess we all know that the natural order of things is bury our parents but somehow that doesn't make losing them any easier. It is so hard to have all family celebrations without people that we love, there is always that ache in your heart.

Best wishes to you and your husband for your vow renewal I am sure your mother will 'be there' (if that makes sense).

to you and your family

Quasar
Thank you. And you are right, she is with me every day.
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Old 06-03-2012, 01:19 AM   #175
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Kimmyann, I also lost my Mom to complications from COPD (Feb. 2001). She was in a nursing home at the time.

The main thing I want to say to you is that you did not kill your Mom. You made a choice to end her suffering which I believe is very humane. When my Mamaw was dying, the doctors asked my Mom and Aunt to make a decision whether to hook her up to any machines or let nature take its course. They chose nature and both were glad they did. Mamaw didn't have any kind of life at that point and neither did your Mom.

I have complete sympathy for you because you had to make that decision. I was lucky, Mom had a living will and lectured us for YEARS that she want no machines. She didn't even want CPR. You had a tough decision to make but I believe it was the right one for your Mom.

My Dad was still living and he had me clean out Mom's closet 4 days later. I didn't want to do it, but I did it for him. I lost him in August 2003.

It's been 11 years since my Mom died and there are still times I feel a gaping hole.

I'm sorry your siblings decided to "clean house" so soon. Its hard to know what you want to keep when you are hurting. Dad handed me stuff to have from Mom - one of which was a bottle of sherry. I think its still in my garage.

Before this gets WAY too long. I just want to reiterate that I can comprehend the guilt and regrets that you feel but I just wish I could do something / say something so that you understand that you didn't kill your Mom. You helped her move on. If you haven't sought counseling, I strongly urge you to do so. It can be helpful.

Send me a pm if you ever need to talk.

Kristi

Quote:
Originally Posted by kimmyann View Post
I didn't know this thread was here. I lost my mom on Feb 28, 2008 to complications from COPD. Time has helped, I no longer get those bouts of horrible, helpless, empty feelings of pain like I did. Now I just live with guilt & regrets.

My mother had a history of mental illness & would not let us help her. She would complain excessively of being lonely, but would never move in with any of her five kids or allow us to move in with her. (this is after my dad died in 2002 of pancreatic cancer) I became very frustrated with her, to the point I would ignore her phone calls sometimes just to keep my sanity. My brother moved her out of her house & into a assisted living facility in January 2008. After several hospital visits, I knew she was very unhealthy, but she continued to smoke even with full oxygen. I got a phone call at 3am that she was being taken again to the hospital. So of course I got up & went. This time it was different...when the Dr finally came out he took my sister & I to a room & informed us that she was incubated because she could not breathe on her on. When we were finally able to see her she could not speak. We asked her to write down what she wanted, she said a coke, we all laughed, never realizing that was the last time we would ever communicate with her again.

Then.....we killed her. After a week of the Dr's trying for her to breathe on her own, we were left with the decision of taking her off the ventilator & let nature take it's course or having a permanent one put in her throat & her be in such a bad state that she would be bedridden for the rest of her life. There was no recovery. I feel sometimes that we should have let her live, that maybe she would have gotten better enough to function. I know her family Dr told the hospital that she was not even a candidate for a ventilator, but I still can't get past the guilt that we killed her. She would have never gave up on any of us like that. After her death, some of my siblings pushed for her apartment & house to be cleaned out as quick as possible, another regret. It was too fast. We threw away things I want back. I didn't get time to say goodbye to the house I grew up in. I can't get anything back & it hurts.

A couple of things that have helped me (or maybe not) is that the morning she died, I had went home for a few hours of sleep. I had a dream that I was in a room & two nurses (old fashioned ones with the big hats) where sitting down when I walked in & said something like "she is fine, we will take care of her now". The phone woke me up from that dream...it was my sister in law calling to tell me my mom just died. I & my brother had dreams after that, which really made me believe that there is a process to dying. I also have recently realized that maybe she wasn't so crazy....looking back I now understand alot of why she was the way she was, I just wish I could let her know.

Sorry this got so long, I just have kept it in for a long time. Thank you for having this thread.

Kim
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Old 06-03-2012, 01:24 AM   #176
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I did read this before I posted. You said what I wanted to so much better. for all

Quote:
Originally Posted by mikamah View Post
Kimmyann- I am so sorry for the loss of your mom, and for the regret. You did not kill her, the COPD killed her, and you were able to make the decision to let nature take its course, and to allow her to go with dignity and comfort. It is such a hard decision and I hope you can find peace with it, and know you did what you felt was best for her, and what the doctors also thought was best too.

I lost my mom almost 3 years ago, and she had copd, diabetes, and multiple health issues, and being a nurse I feared the day me and my siblings might have to make that decision, but then she was diagnosed with terminal lung cancer and passed a month later. I think no matter what happens we always have regrets, and wonder if we could have done more to help the ones we've lost.

It is so hard with copd, and I have watched many people struggle with that disease, and I think you did the right thing, and your mom is at peace now. I would like to think she is out there, and knows what you are feeling. I agree the dream you had right as she died seems like a sign she is ok, and would not want you to be feeling badly. Hang in there. I hope talking about the guilt can help you find peace with it too.
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Old 06-03-2012, 04:56 PM   #177
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I ventured off of the Community Board and found this...and I am so glad that I did. I lost my mother unexpectedly this past February.

In the past 18 months we had decided it was time to put mom into an assisted living facility as she was having dificulty taking care of herself and none of my siblings and I had the space to take her in. It was an emotional decision and trying at best especially for my sister and I who handled most everything. She seeme dto like where she was, took part in the activities and made friends.

We noticed last fall that mom seemed to forget things and get confused more, but that was fine. My DD (16) was especially close with her as mom had taken care of her when she was a couple of months old when I went back to work until the time she was old enought to stay by herself.

ZMy DD and I went to see her the week before my DD's 16th birthday. The next week we received a call that mom had the flu. the next day they called to say they were taking her to the hospital to give her fluids that she was dehydrated. When she arrived at the hospital they called us to say that we should get there as soon as possible that it wouldn't be long.

I am thankful that we were there with her at the end, but my daughter will always rememeber her 16th birthday as the day "gramma Shirley" died.

We all love and miss her everyday, but try to keep her memory alive.
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Old 06-03-2012, 08:55 PM   #178
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Originally Posted by usd2bmd View Post
I ventured off of the Community Board and found this...and I am so glad that I did. I lost my mother unexpectedly this past February.

In the past 18 months we had decided it was time to put mom into an assisted living facility as she was having dificulty taking care of herself and none of my siblings and I had the space to take her in. It was an emotional decision and trying at best especially for my sister and I who handled most everything. She seeme dto like where she was, took part in the activities and made friends.

We noticed last fall that mom seemed to forget things and get confused more, but that was fine. My DD (16) was especially close with her as mom had taken care of her when she was a couple of months old when I went back to work until the time she was old enought to stay by herself.

ZMy DD and I went to see her the week before my DD's 16th birthday. The next week we received a call that mom had the flu. the next day they called to say they were taking her to the hospital to give her fluids that she was dehydrated. When she arrived at the hospital they called us to say that we should get there as soon as possible that it wouldn't be long.

I am thankful that we were there with her at the end, but my daughter will always rememeber her 16th birthday as the day "gramma Shirley" died.

We all love and miss her everyday, but try to keep her memory alive.


I'm so sorry for your loss. Your DD will always remember that. BUT, she will have many many happy birthdays in future years that she will remember too. I was extremely close to my Gramps. He died 35 days before my 16th bday, just weeks before Christmas. I had many happy birthdays over the years, but that one, was lonely there was someone missing. I hope your daughter celebrates every birthday from this point on with everyone she loves. Bless you both.
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Old 06-05-2012, 09:52 PM   #179
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Thank you so much. DD and my mother were very close having spent so much time together when she was growing up. ZMy mither was in a bowling league and my daughter always went with her before she was in school. At my mothers wake some of the women she bowled with sought my daughter out to tell her how beautiful she was and how wonderfully she had grown up and how my mother beemed when she talked about her (even though my mom had 7 other grandchildren).

It made me both happy and sad that they had shared all those special moments, bt that she woudn't be here for the important ones still to come!

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I'm so sorry for your loss. Your DD will always remember that. BUT, she will have many many happy birthdays in future years that she will remember too. I was extremely close to my Gramps. He died 35 days before my 16th bday, just weeks before Christmas. I had many happy birthdays over the years, but that one, was lonely there was someone missing. I hope your daughter celebrates every birthday from this point on with everyone she loves. Bless you both.
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Old 07-02-2012, 11:53 PM   #180
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Hello. My mom died in 2006 of breast cancer that metastasized and ate her up. She was very active on the boards here, and I discovered a way to read all her old posts today. I spent hours doing that. Now I'm just kind of numb. Sometimes I think if I live in the past enough she will be alive.

Anyone here?

Melisss
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