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-   -   How to stop hating your ex ? (http://www.disboards.com/showthread.php?t=1955943)

magicmouse2 09-17-2008 10:16 AM

How to stop hating your ex ?
 
I am feeling guilty as today I am wishing very bad things on my ex husband.:guilty: I wrote a list of things that makes my life better since he is gone, but he bugs me so much!! :mad:
Any tips on getting over the anger !!!!

nurse.darcy 09-17-2008 10:22 AM

Its not easy. but you must focus on the positives. . .that will sustain you. . .

buena vista 09-17-2008 11:16 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by magicmouse2 (Post 27634663)
I am feeling guilty as today I am wishing very bad things on my ex husband.:guilty: I wrote a list of things that makes my life better since he is gone, but he bugs me so much!! :mad:
Any tips on getting over the anger !!!!

Is it that he bugs you so much, or is it the memory of him and what he did or said (or didn't do or say) that bugs you so much?

If it's the latter, what I did, and what I think the best thing you can do for yourself is to put him and the memory of your life with him in its own place - as part of the story of your past life. Easier said than done, but with practice, putting your past behind you is about recognizing the past for what it is - it's history. It's not actually real right now. It was real, but it's not real now. If what bothers you are the things he did in the past, they can't continue to bother you without your permission, because what it is today is just a tale of what happened. You've dealt with whatever happened. He's no longer part of your life. You have the extraordinary power and gift to choose how the story of what happened will affect you both now and in the future.

I hope that helps. It sure helped me when I went through that :).

magicmouse2 09-17-2008 11:30 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by buena vista (Post 27635884)
Is it that he bugs you so much, or is it the memory of him and what he did or said (or didn't do or say) that bugs you so much?

If it's the latter, what I did, and what I think the best thing you can do for yourself is to put him and the memory of your life with him in its own place - as part of the story of your past life. Easier said than done, but with practice, putting your past behind you is about recognizing the past for what it is - it's history. It's not actually real right now. It was real, but it's not real now. If what bothers you are the things he did in the past, they can't continue to bother you without your permission, because what it is today is just a tale of what happened. You've dealt with whatever happened. He's no longer part of your life. You have the extraordinary power and gift to choose how the story of what happened will affect you both now and in the future.

I hope that helps. It sure helped me when I went through that :).

Wow thankyou that really moved me. Actually I have never looked at it as though 'it was in the past'. :hug: :grouphug: I have got to get into the 'future me' and stop living in the 'past me' and you guys help sooo much with your words of wisdom!:hug:
I dont have any living family or close friends around me anymore, but you are all helping me to move on and stay living rather than existing. Thankyou.:hug:

Juliegirl1 09-17-2008 11:37 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by buena vista (Post 27635884)
Is it that he bugs you so much, or is it the memory of him and what he did or said (or didn't do or say) that bugs you so much?

If it's the latter, what I did, and what I think the best thing you can do for yourself is to put him and the memory of your life with him in its own place - as part of the story of your past life. Easier said than done, but with practice, putting your past behind you is about recognizing the past for what it is - it's history. It's not actually real right now. It was real, but it's not real now. If what bothers you are the things he did in the past, they can't continue to bother you without your permission, because what it is today is just a tale of what happened. You've dealt with whatever happened. He's no longer part of your life. You have the extraordinary power and gift to choose how the story of what happened will affect you both now and in the future.

I hope that helps. It sure helped me when I went through that :).


This is sooo true. Another thing I did was to forgive my ex. Not to his face (I never would have been able to get the words out with the way he interrupts me) but I sat down with a picture of him and talked to it. I told him all the mean, ugly things he did to me and how it made me feel and that I forgave him. I also told his picture that I was not going to allow him to make me feel that way again. I started to stand up for myself and I no longer let him walk all over me. He used to disrupt my plans and demanded to know what I was doing on my own time (yes - this was after our divorce was final). I can't tell you how many times I have told him that my life was no longer none of his business unless it affected our son. He has learned to stop asking and more or less respects my time alone when he has our son.

Burn a picture of him or get rid of something you had together. That helps too. Another thing I do is look for all the positive traits he gave my son and give my son a hug and a kiss. You loved him at one time and if you have kids they are also part of your ex and you still love them.

Believe me I do know how hard it is. :grouphug: It's been six years and I still have my moments.

Jill in Chicago 09-17-2008 11:38 AM

For my brand new SIL (who we all LOVE) it is the fact that she married her ex in the first place. She cherishes her two daughters, but the man was horrible. He abused her mentally and physically. He continues to do dumb inconsiderate things and she questions why in the world she one: married him, and two: stayed married to him. She questions her own sanity.

Now that she's married to my brother, her self esteem is slowly growing. We have all worked hard to shut our mouths and not comment on her horrible ex, because, as my brother explained every time we do she takes it as a hit against her poor choice in marrying the jerk in the first place. (We never talk poorly about the ex in front of the girls. They are older now anyways and they "get it," and what a jerk he is."

So not knowing your whole story cut yourself some slack. What was, was, and now it's over. You made the right choice to move on. Every time you can pat yourself on the back for the good decision you made.

nurse.darcy 09-17-2008 12:16 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by buena vista (Post 27635884)
Is it that he bugs you so much, or is it the memory of him and what he did or said (or didn't do or say) that bugs you so much?

If it's the latter, what I did, and what I think the best thing you can do for yourself is to put him and the memory of your life with him in its own place - as part of the story of your past life. Easier said than done, but with practice, putting your past behind you is about recognizing the past for what it is - it's history. It's not actually real right now. It was real, but it's not real now. If what bothers you are the things he did in the past, they can't continue to bother you without your permission, because what it is today is just a tale of what happened. You've dealt with whatever happened. He's no longer part of your life. You have the extraordinary power and gift to choose how the story of what happened will affect you both now and in the future.

I hope that helps. It sure helped me when I went through that :).


Wow, Tom that was really insightful. As a person who can easily compartmentalize my hurt and anger and then allow myself to move forward, I sometimes have difficulty understanding those who can't - or choose not to. Very helpful advice.

BellTinkR 09-17-2008 12:30 PM

You've gotten some excellent advice here. The fact that you WANT to stop is a good indicator that very soon, you will simply be done with all that and move on.

Feelings aren't right or wrong, they just ARE. You cannot control your feelings much, but you can control your behavior. So you can "act as if" you have moved on, which may have some effect on the feelings, make them disspate further.

But overall, I'd just let the feelings alone - they'll be finished when they are finished, in their own good time, so just concentrate on your behavior until they're done!

I wish you luck and joy!

Tink *~*~*

MATTERHORN 09-17-2008 01:46 PM

Great advice from everyone!! Some that I will try to practice as I still struggle with this every so often. Even when I talk to him about the kids, I find that sometimes he still manages to get under my skin! I have to stop allowing him to do that. We are fine, and we will be fine!!

Andrea

jadedbeauty14304 09-17-2008 02:11 PM

Great advice from everyone! Just remember to be patient with yourself, and give yourself time. Feel the emotions that you are feeling. Don't try to suppress them, or they can manifest as physical symptoms down the road. Trust me on this one, I have been a "bottler" my entire life. I finally found the outlet of writing poetry to help me stop having intense hurtful feelings towards Tawney's dad. I wrote poetry to him telling him how I felt. (never showed it to him, it was for MY benefit, and not his) And eventually I forgave him for what he did to us, and got my life back. Sometimes it would scare me to have those intense idea's of physically harming him, but once I sat down and picked up a pen and let it all flow out of my fingers, it started to help.

If you want to read anything I wrote, PM me, and just remember.. it does get better with time.

justcantwait 09-18-2008 12:12 PM

I had a hard time getting over my first marriage too, until I met my second (and last!) husband. We were both divorced due to cheating spouses. One night he said "I wish I met you 15 years ago." My answer to that was that we had to go through what we went through to become who we were at that moment. It wouldn't have worked 15 years before. We were both stronger, and more focused on what we were looking for, what we would accept, and what we wouldn't. We probably wouldn't have given each other a second thought 15 years before. Just know that what you're going through WILL make you a better person, as long as you're willing to move toward that, and away from the past. One foot in front of the other... HTH

Kathy

disneydeb 09-19-2008 01:44 PM

sell him to pirates aaarrrggg!pirate: lol :hug: :grouphug: :flower3: if that dont work get your mama after him!

disneydeb 09-19-2008 01:49 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by buena vista (Post 27635884)
Is it that he bugs you so much, or is it the memory of him and what he did or said (or didn't do or say) that bugs you so much?

If it's the latter, what I did, and what I think the best thing you can do for yourself is to put him and the memory of your life with him in its own place - as part of the story of your past life. Easier said than done, but with practice, putting your past behind you is about recognizing the past for what it is - it's history. It's not actually real right now. It was real, but it's not real now. If what bothers you are the things he did in the past, they can't continue to bother you without your permission, because what it is today is just a tale of what happened. You've dealt with whatever happened. He's no longer part of your life. You have the extraordinary power and gift to choose how the story of what happened will affect you both now and in the future.

I hope that helps. It sure helped me when I went through that :).

to me this is some of the best advice seriously:thumbsup2

LindaBabe 09-20-2008 08:12 PM

From experience (I'm old) I can also tell you that 40 years from now, you probably won't even remember what he looks like, let alone get angry at the thought of him. Tincture of time has a way of drawing a merciful veil over the past.

What I didn't do back then, but should have, (Hind sight being 20-20) was spend my newly free time working on improving myself - my career - my physical, emotional and mental wellbeing, and setting some goals to pursue, rather than letting life 'happen'. Oddly enough, the future turned out ok, anyway.

2BoysMom 09-21-2008 08:55 PM

brief, but precise
 
I had someone hurt me recently. It was taking me a long time "to get over it." First I cried, then I got angry and even when I tried to imagine myself talking back to them, about the hurtful comment they made, I would get upset all over again. I wasn't able to "get a grip" over this apparent injustice to me, even after a few weeks.

Then I re-read a quote attributed to Eleanor Roosevelt, that helped me put my issues in perspective.

"No one can make you feel inferior without your consent."

It's sort of a concise way of saying much of what others have advised you on this post. I hope it helps you, too. :thumbsup2


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