Strange family question Update 7/31/16

If it bothers you, then unfriend or stop following your sister on FB, I think.

(I didn't read any followups when posting this, just the first couple posts in the thread).

OP... you need to get some professional help for whatever issues you are dealing with because the anger and possible depression are impacting your mental health and your relationships. At this point it has NOTHING to do with anyone else. It's all on you.

I love it when my kids go out with their dad and I'm home alone. Time for a bubble bath, chick flicks and eating ice cream straight out of the carton! I don't sit there, bitterly thinking of all the fun they're having or who else is there.

tarheelmjfan said:

I guess my family is different than most. When someone divorces a spouse, we all do. I'll choose my sisters over any man every time, without question. In a case where children are involved, I'd be polite to the ex, but definitely not friends with him. OTOH, we're still very friendly with my deceased sister's husband. Obviously, they didn't divorce. She passed away. He's still family, even though he remarried.

When reading many of the replies here, I'm thinking, "with families like these, who needs enemies?" In my world family always has your back, regardless of the circumstances.

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That's how it is in my family too. One of my sisters was married to an abusive husband and got a divorce. None of us would ever "friend" him on Facebook. I can't imagine doing something so hurtful to one of my siblings. If one of my siblings remained friends with their ex-spouse, that would be different. But if they cheated on my sibling and treated my sibling like crap, there is no way I would friend that person. Thankfully, my siblings treat each other well and care about each other's feelings. My loyalty will always be to my siblings, not to cheating/lying/abusive ex-spouses.

sasywtch said:

I appreciate all the replies and read them all. I am not and will not say anything to her as I am a "fixer" person, don't enjoy conflict within family dynamics. After I typed that all, I thought about it and thinking my problem is that my sister is friending someone who hurt me both mentally and cheating on the support and by her friending him, it's as if she doesn't have my back. I know that is probably stupid thinking but I think it's honest thinking. (if that makes any sense). I'm going to therapy for my PTSD and learning honest thinking Sometimes it's difficult to admit what you're really thinking deep down.

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I went back & read this inlight of your last post. I am thinking yes you do like the drama.

I have lived through physical abuse by my DS's father, raised my DS with not a $ of support EVER, am a victim of infidelity & suffered with PTSD from the Boston Marathon bombings. I am glad you are in therapy but you need to admit that you may also have a drama addiction. Disattach from your ex & sister - stop poking the FB bear.

sasywtch said:

Bad, bad update today. I think it was the one that broke the camel's back. First of all, I will disagree with everyone has to get along with everyone after a divorce. (sort of). I do agree when kids are involved, everyone needs to be civil but I don't agree that if a divorce was due to adultery, lies, cheating on child support, going from DL dad to not seeing them for 4 years, that your sister should befriend them on facebook (he didn't, she voluntarily did). We are all civil at functions but seeing his name come up on Facebook and friending him, honestly tells me about her thinking. If her husband had done that, I would be civil and say hello at functions but if I saw his name come up on my facebook as someone I might know, I wouldn't friend him. We may disagree on that, but that's ok. If two people divorced nicely, it would probably be a different story for me.

So anyway, today.........My oldest son and DIL/grandkids were having a bbq for my kids dad and my dil dad. My other 3 kids were invited. All is good. I was sort of hoping I was invited because I had nothing to do but it was dad's day so, everything is ok. I stayed home by myself while they were bbq'ing and swimming at my son's. My oldest daughter who is living with me temporarily comes home early not in a good mood. She wouldn't tell me. I text my other daughter to find out why daughter 1 is not happy and she tells me that my sister is there and my daughter thought it weird. So here's my sister at MY family function with my kids and grandkids while I'm home by myself. They had to have told her what they were doing, otherwise she wouldn't have just driven over there as in the past they've gone to my ex's house (he moved out of state lately so hence why it was at my sons). Or she called to see what they were doing.

Right or wrong, I lost it. My son threatened me, told me I was no longer welcome at his house and can't see my grandkids. This shall pass when they need a babysitter. I'm angry if they invited her or told her about it and I'm angry if she invited herself into a family function that she knew I wouldn't be involved in. She has a son with a new baby and a husband. Why aren't they spending the whole day with him? I hope she had a great time with my family today while I was home by myself not invited. Oh wait, I was invited 3 hours AFTER they ate after I said something. Silly me. I don't think I should have been invited and I don't think my sister should have been there. I will add a disclaimer that my ex and his new gf are ok. We just were all together at my granddaughter's birthday party so no odd weird thing going there. I find it weird that my sister is hobnobbing with my ex and his new gf and my kids/grandkids while I'm home by myself. Right or wrong, these are my feelings. I am beyond hurt and have hatred for my sister.

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You will never be able to control the actions of other people. Sometimes it's best to let your feelings of frustration out, but not let them out to the people you are frustrated with in a damaging way. You were hurt because you felt excluded and your sister was included. I can understand how you would feel hurt. However, whatever transpired between you and your son doesn't sound productive. When dealing with my own extended family, I have had to accept certain things they did and not say anything in order to keep the peace.

In the end, we create our own happiness or misery by the way we act and react. If you can accept that your sister is the way she is and there may never be anything you can do to change it, you can move on and let go of your toxic feelings. She is the way she is and that's out of your control. As far as your relationship with your son, maybe you can talk to him when you are not angry, explain your feelings, and apologize if you think you over-reacted. Keep in mind that children of divorced parents are caught in the middle and that's not an easy place to be.

I hope you can work things out and try to create your own happiness, regardless of what others say and do. You can create happy times with your children and grandchildren. Maybe you can try to accept the things you can't change and move past them. Plan things that make you happy.

Bluestars said:

That's how it is in my family too. One of my sisters was married to an abusive husband and got a divorce. None of us would ever "friend" him on Facebook. I can't imagine doing something so hurtful to one of my siblings. If one of my siblings remained friends with their ex-spouse, that would be different. But if they cheated on my sibling and treated my sibling like crap, there is no way I would friend that person. Thankfully, my siblings treat each other well and care about each other's feelings. My loyalty will always be to my siblings, not to cheating/lying/abusive ex-spouses.

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Cheating and abuse are completely different than two people who grow apart and agree being married is no longer good,for either of them.

What if your brother married your best friend (it happens more than you think) and they grow apart? Would you abandon your best friend?

It isn't always a black and white situation.

Poohforyou said:

Cheating and abuse are completely different than two people who grow apart and agree being married is no longer good,for either of them.

What if your brother married your best friend (it happens more than you think) and they grow apart? Would you abandon your best friend?

It isn't always a black and white situation.

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I would think that if two people simply grew apart from one another and got divorced, there would be no feelings of hurt or betrayal. In that situation, if my sibling didn't have any hard feelings, they probably wouldn't care if I remained friends with their ex. But if an ex-spouse hurt my sibling in any way, best friend or not, I would side with my sibling.

Bluestars said:

I would think that if two people simply grew apart from one another and got divorced, there would be no feelings of hurt or betrayal. In that situation, if my sibling didn't have any hard feelings, they probably wouldn't care if I remained friends with their ex. But if an ex-spouse hurt my sibling in any way, best friend or not, I would side with my sibling.

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While I totally get what you're saying. The fact is some families/siblings just don't get along but I wouldn't lose the chance of being apart of my children's and grandchildren's lives because of my sibling being friends with my ex on Facebook . The hatred the OP has for this situation is causing her harm and is harming her relationship with her kids and grandkids. She has to find a way to not let this consume her because in the end it is only damaging her. These kinds of feelings leak into other areas of life. Life is way too short to give people you don't like control over you. OP maybe take a months vacation from Facebook.

Bluestars said:

I would think that if two people simply grew apart from one another and got divorced, there would be no feelings of hurt or betrayal. In that situation, if my sibling didn't have any hard feelings, they probably wouldn't care if I remained friends with their ex. But if an ex-spouse hurt my sibling in any way, best friend or not, I would side with my sibling.

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And just out of curiosity, what would you do if your sibling hurt your friend?

I think every situation is unique and needs to be handled individually. I love my siblings but I don't have a blanket policy for every situation involving them.

Poohforyou said:

And just out of curiosity, what would you do if your sibling hurt your friend?

I think every situation is unique and needs to be handled individually. I love my siblings but I don't have a blanket policy for every situation involving them.

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My statement about supporting my siblings was meant to be in general. If my sibling murdered someone, tortured someone, physically abused them, or in some way harmed them, then I would not support them. If my sibling was a dead beat dead, chose to use illegal drugs, or broke the law in any way, I would not support that behavior. But in general, if my sibling married someone who hurt them, I would be loyal to my sibling.

I read all of your responses and hmmm after talking to close relatives that are familiar with the situation, I don't know If it's the way I worded it but some theories are out there. The one mimicking my mother--definitely NO. In 15 years, I have never expected nor went to a father's day function. They were either at his house or they took him out to eat. +he was still with the affair person. In 15 years since the affair/divorce, I never saw her or spoke to her. I kept it civil for the kids. Three of my kids were old enough at the time 14,13,10 to know what happened. I mean, he took them to his new house with new pregnant gf. A little hard for them not to know.

Anyway, fast forward. We have been civil, he shows up to my son's house on holidays where we have our holidays. Stays for an hour, we talk, he doesn't bring gf as my older kids don't care for her. From what they have said, when they would go to visit, he ignored them, so his doing. I had no first hand knowledge what happened on their visits. 2 years ago GF finds new bf, dumps my exH after 12 years. Kids have been having father's day at his house or out to eat for years. No biggie. Same as mother's day.So

This year was just different. exh found new gf, moved out of state 2 hours away so kids decided to have a bbq for him and my DIL's dad. Again, when I heard about it, no biggie. When I said I hoped to be invited, it was just a thought and nothing I was upset about. I introduced myself two weeks earlier to the new gf and we were all together for granddaughter's birthday.

So I read everything and talked to some people, brother, sister in law, cousin etc that is familiar. I may be pushing something back from my childhood as I am quite aware that my father always said my sister was his favorite (we have heard this numerous times after my dad's passing in 84). I was 7 years younger than my sister so vaguely aware but at the same time, don't think it bothered me? I don't remember it bothering me. Fast forward to my mom's funeral in 97. We got into a screaming match at a ballpark (she did) that my mom favored my kids. I just heard that from my sister in law too so I'm guessing some annomosity there but they don't dwell on it. My mom didn't have friends, she clung to my kids after my dad died.

For a few years or probably longer, my sister has been coming to our family holidays instead of my brothers. She seems to latch onto the younger kids, buying them things to be the favorite aunt. My brother's grandkids were getting into their teens so now we are on to my family since they are young ones. It's always been a joke among most in the family that once you are a teen, the gifts stop, the coming around and taking to the show stops. I'm living with this, civil, I never say anything at holidays but my kids are aware that I feel she is rude to me, condensending to me, ignores me. As my brother said, it's as if she feels she is up there and I'm beneath her. They are aware of the rift but as said, I've been a good puppy and been civil to her and my ex.

So the bbq and father's day. As I said, I knew about it, wasn't expected to be invited.it was just one of those things that I had nothing to do and was hoping they'd say come on over for food. But they didn't and I was ok. My oldest daughter went and when she got there, my sister was there. What I have now been told by my DIL was that my two daughters were showing texts and not talking. My kids, especially my two daughters have an issue with their dad putting other's above them. For example: when I transferred to OK, I took the kids back for 6 weeks at my expense so they could spend time with their dad. (he had only had them over to his house all night once in 4 years previously because new gf/wife and new kid were priority). My daughter goes to see her dad first time in 9 months and he invites gf's family over and he spends the whole day talking to his gf's brother in law. Yes, my kids have issues with that also. So here's my two daughter's at the bbq for their dad and here's my sister. They were thinking the same as me, why is she here?

My dil text me yesterdayan & told me that she planned the bbq, didn't know if it would be weird to invite me with new gf so decided not to (I'm ok with that). I never said a word to anyone, helped my daughter make a side dish
Depends on who's story you hear
1. DIL says my sister called at 2pm and asked what they were doing so she says they are bbq'ing for father's day. 2pm when bbq starts. I have no idea who invited who. 2 hours later, sister's son, gf and new baby call and invite themselves over. (keep in mind, my sister is married to her's son's father, son just had a baby so have no idea why they aren't spending all day with him)
2. Sister said DIL invited her

Ok, so it's weird to have the exwife at the bbq but not the exwives's sister? So after reading all the advice on here, talked to my brother, DIL and cousin. Since I'm not a psychologist, I had ideas but never put thought into them. To others, my sister needs to be the center of attention. If you are not making her the center of attention, she has no use for you. I realized the only time she really spends with e talking is when she wants to spill the dirt on my brother's family. It's not a conversation, she's doing all the gossiping. I pretty much don't want to hear it and will sometimes walk away (other people are there listening). It is not an issue of my son not inviting me due to thinking there may be an issue as there hasn't been. It was my DIL thinking of the new gf and how she might feel. I can honestly live with that and have zero issues with it and have not for 15 years that we have been divorced.

My issue is and will be my sister. Whether my DIL invited her or she called on father's day...I have an issue with it. If it had been reversed, the first words I would have asked is, is my sister there because I would feel odd knowing she hadn't been to any father's day functions and may not be at this one.

After hearing that I was upset, my DIL 3 hours AFTER they ate put a pix of food on facebook and said my food was waiting for me, come on over. They've been there eating and swimming for 3 hours, you hear I'm upset my sister is there and you post a pix of food on facebook telling me to come on over? From what my brother told me, my sister was smirking. Yeah, I can see it. I can tell you without a shadow of a doubt, she loved it.

And to the other person who said don't count on it when they want a babysitter, dil offered to bring the kids over the other night. I do not believe I acted well and admitted that on here. But some decided that I must have acted that way in the past so son decided not to invite me for that or a bunch of others things. I have unfriended immediate family from facebook and it's actually quite relaxing. I am going right now to a bbq LOL at my brother's. My sister is not going to be there. I have just elected to not speak to her. I don't expect her to be rude, I expect her to be civil to my ex but I don't expect her to be at my kids father's day events also. If making sure she is involved in everything is more important to her than how I feel, then that tells me what I need to know. My cousin had the same exact situation and said, unless you've been in a nasty divorce, you have no idea. Her sister invited her ex to functions knowing he cheated on ran off, didn't pay child support. She said the same thing, be civil but you don't have to go out of your way to the point that the other person is excluded. Her and her sister no longer speak.

sasywtch said:

I read all of your responses and hmmm after talking to close relatives that are familiar with the situation, I don't know If it's the way I worded it but some theories are out there. The one mimicking my mother--definitely NO. In 15 years, I have never expected nor went to a father's day function. They were either at his house or they took him out to eat. +he was still with the affair person. In 15 years since the affair/divorce, I never saw her or spoke to her. I kept it civil for the kids. Three of my kids were old enough at the time 14,13,10 to know what happened. I mean, he took them to his new house with new pregnant gf. A little hard for them not to know.

Anyway, fast forward. We have been civil, he shows up to my son's house on holidays where we have our holidays. Stays for an hour, we talk, he doesn't bring gf as my older kids don't care for her. From what they have said, when they would go to visit, he ignored them, so his doing. I had no first hand knowledge what happened on their visits. 2 years ago GF finds new bf, dumps my exH after 12 years. Kids have been having father's day at his house or out to eat for years. No biggie. Same as mother's day.So

This year was just different. exh found new gf, moved out of state 2 hours away so kids decided to have a bbq for him and my DIL's dad. Again, when I heard about it, no biggie. When I said I hoped to be invited, it was just a thought and nothing I was upset about. I introduced myself two weeks earlier to the new gf and we were all together for granddaughter's birthday.

So I read everything and talked to some people, brother, sister in law, cousin etc that is familiar. I may be pushing something back from my childhood as I am quite aware that my father always said my sister was his favorite (we have heard this numerous times after my dad's passing in 84). I was 7 years younger than my sister so vaguely aware but at the same time, don't think it bothered me? I don't remember it bothering me. Fast forward to my mom's funeral in 97. We got into a screaming match at a ballpark (she did) that my mom favored my kids. I just heard that from my sister in law too so I'm guessing some annomosity there but they don't dwell on it. My mom didn't have friends, she clung to my kids after my dad died.

For a few years or probably longer, my sister has been coming to our family holidays instead of my brothers. She seems to latch onto the younger kids, buying them things to be the favorite aunt. My brother's grandkids were getting into their teens so now we are on to my family since they are young ones. It's always been a joke among most in the family that once you are a teen, the gifts stop, the coming around and taking to the show stops. I'm living with this, civil, I never say anything at holidays but my kids are aware that I feel she is rude to me, condensending to me, ignores me. As my brother said, it's as if she feels she is up there and I'm beneath her. They are aware of the rift but as said, I've been a good puppy and been civil to her and my ex.

So the bbq and father's day. As I said, I knew about it, wasn't expected to be invited.it was just one of those things that I had nothing to do and was hoping they'd say come on over for food. But they didn't and I was ok. My oldest daughter went and when she got there, my sister was there. What I have now been told by my DIL was that my two daughters were showing texts and not talking. My kids, especially my two daughters have an issue with their dad putting other's above them. For example: when I transferred to OK, I took the kids back for 6 weeks at my expense so they could spend time with their dad. (he had only had them over to his house all night once in 4 years previously because new gf/wife and new kid were priority). My daughter goes to see her dad first time in 9 months and he invites gf's family over and he spends the whole day talking to his gf's brother in law. Yes, my kids have issues with that also. So here's my two daughter's at the bbq for their dad and here's my sister. They were thinking the same as me, why is she here?

My dil text me yesterdayan & told me that she planned the bbq, didn't know if it would be weird to invite me with new gf so decided not to (I'm ok with that). I never said a word to anyone, helped my daughter make a side dish
Depends on who's story you hear
1. DIL says my sister called at 2pm and asked what they were doing so she says they are bbq'ing for father's day. 2pm when bbq starts. I have no idea who invited who. 2 hours later, sister's son, gf and new baby call and invite themselves over. (keep in mind, my sister is married to her's son's father, son just had a baby so have no idea why they aren't spending all day with him)
2. Sister said DIL invited her

Ok, so it's weird to have the exwife at the bbq but not the exwives's sister? So after reading all the advice on here, talked to my brother, DIL and cousin. Since I'm not a psychologist, I had ideas but never put thought into them. To others, my sister needs to be the center of attention. If you are not making her the center of attention, she has no use for you. I realized the only time she really spends with e talking is when she wants to spill the dirt on my brother's family. It's not a conversation, she's doing all the gossiping. I pretty much don't want to hear it and will sometimes walk away (other people are there listening). It is not an issue of my son not inviting me due to thinking there may be an issue as there hasn't been. It was my DIL thinking of the new gf and how she might feel. I can honestly live with that and have zero issues with it and have not for 15 years that we have been divorced.

My issue is and will be my sister. Whether my DIL invited her or she called on father's day...I have an issue with it. If it had been reversed, the first words I would have asked is, is my sister there because I would feel odd knowing she hadn't been to any father's day functions and may not be at this one.

After hearing that I was upset, my DIL 3 hours AFTER they ate put a pix of food on facebook and said my food was waiting for me, come on over. They've been there eating and swimming for 3 hours, you hear I'm upset my sister is there and you post a pix of food on facebook telling me to come on over? From what my brother told me, my sister was smirking. Yeah, I can see it. I can tell you without a shadow of a doubt, she loved it.

And to the other person who said don't count on it when they want a babysitter, dil offered to bring the kids over the other night. I do not believe I acted well and admitted that on here. But some decided that I must have acted that way in the past so son decided not to invite me for that or a bunch of others things. I have unfriended immediate family from facebook and it's actually quite relaxing. I am going right now to a bbq LOL at my brother's. My sister is not going to be there. I have just elected to not speak to her. I don't expect her to be rude, I expect her to be civil to my ex but I don't expect her to be at my kids father's day events also. If making sure she is involved in everything is more important to her than how I feel, then that tells me what I need to know. My cousin had the same exact situation and said, unless you've been in a nasty divorce, you have no idea. Her sister invited her ex to functions knowing he cheated on ran off, didn't pay child support. She said the same thing, be civil but you don't have to go out of your way to the point that the other person is excluded. Her and her sister no longer speak.

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I can't really understand what you wrote as it seems more stream of conscious, but I think the jist of it is that you have recognized some of your triggers and are at peace now?

If so, then good for you

OP, if you've read this far, I recommend you leave this thread completely. There are some hateful, non compassionate people in this world & it's better to not engage them. I sincerely hope life gets better for you soon.

I've read them and it's ok. As my cousin said, unless you've personally been through it, you wouldn't know. There were a few things written that some decided must have happened in the past....but that wasn't true. (I must have done something in the past therefore, reason why not invited). I have been extremely civil to my ex even though he crapped on me and the kids, I have been extremely civil to my sister even though she has treated me like dirt. My cup ran over from 15 years of being civil and I blew it.

My sister was not suppose to be at my nieces bbq but when I pulled up, she was there. I went home. I am at peace with that.

These are my contentions and sorry if some don't agree: if it was akward for me to be there with ex and his new gf, it should have been awkward for my sister to be there. I would no more think to go to her husband's kid's bbq for father's day. I can honestly see her calling to see if something was going on so she could be a part of it.

I am not happy that once they realized she was coming over even if sister called, I believe they should have called me to invite me to "the now family bbq" as my DIL is now calling it. They waited 3 hours when they found out I was upset she was there and said, you could have come over. Really, come walking in like a third wheel after they ate 3 hours earlier because you all know I'm upset?

I have blocked everyone on facebook. It's quite relaxing that way. I was told by my sil that my sister thinks this is funny and stupid. That doesn't surprise me. I am hurt beyond words and those are my feelings whether they are right or wrong. I think the hard part is, I'm finally seeing my sister for who she really is and what my guy friend has always said. And yes, my job is horrible right now and this is definitely not helping but not the cause.

sasywtch said:

I have blocked everyone on facebook. It's quite relaxing that way.

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Probably the best thing you could have done.

Social media has its upside but it certainly has the downside of amplifying people's worst impulses.

There's a reason Facebook is now specifically cited in a third of divorces. My MIL bought her house before it came on the market because the owners had a spectacular breakup via Facebook.

OP, Your sister was way out of line calling your son on Father's Day and asking what they were doing. Of course your son and DDIL were probably caught off-guard and invited her over. What kind of pathetic person weasles in on somebody else's Father's Day bbq? When you think about it that way, she IS pathetic. Normal people do not do these things. Continue to take the high road and do not let her upset you. Unfriend her on Facebook and do not mention her negatively to anyone. Let her be the one to show everyone her true colors! Hugs...

TC

Your sisters wish is to annoy you and she is succeeding

If it were me, I would try to avoid your sister when possible. She treats you crappy, and that's a shame. In your situation I wouldn't like it if the sister friended your ex after the way he treated you. She sounds like just as big a jerk as your ex.

Why are you allowing your sister to control your life? If you are not careful she will ruin your relationship with your son by getting in between you.

Stop playing into her hands by letting her see how much she gets to you. Instead of complaining about her being friends with your ex on Facebook, you should have told her you were happy he had her as a friend because he has so few, and then walked away.

Do not avoid activities because she will be there. She will only gloat that she's getting under your skin and continue to show up where you don't want her.

Try a different tack. Next time you see her just walk up to her and say "it's good to see you sis!" (with a smirky smile on your face) and then walk away.

Whatever the heck you do, don't give her the satisfaction of letting her know that she is getting to you! Life is too darn short to let crap like this bother you day in and day out.

There is something wrong with your sister. You are not going to change the relationship you have with her. It's too late. Like others have said you can only change the way you deal with her.

I understand what you're going through. My poor mother-in-law had a similar situation with one of her sisters.