Looking for feedback from parents with Autistic teens

Sabeking · May 27, 2015

My 15 year old DD befriended a girl at school who is somewhere on the spectrum. My DD invites her to sit with her group at lunch and has intervened when bullying has occurred. Recently the girl had a family party to celebrate the end of the school year. My DD and her best friend were invited and went. It was a family party so we went as well. My DD is compassionate and is very gentle with her. Here is where we need advice. The young lady just got a cell phone for doing well at school this year. She texts my DD probably about 50 times a day. It is starting to stress DD out. The friend asks her to spend the night every night. My DD doesn't want to ignore her on texts but obviously cannot respond constantly. If she does not respond immediately the friend will continue texting, saying....where are you, why don't you respond?" What is the best way to handle this situation? She truly wants to be a friend to this young lady but needs balance in the relationship. What do you suggest?

aaarcher86 · May 27, 2015

Sabeking said:
My 15 year old DD befriended a girl at school who is somewhere on the spectrum. My DD invites her to sit with her group at lunch and has intervened when bullying has occurred. Recently the girl had a family party to celebrate the end of the school year. My DD and her best friend were invited and went. It was a family party so we went as well. My DD is compassionate and is very gentle with her. Here is where we need advice. The young lady just got a cell phone for doing well at school this year. She texts my DD probably about 50 times a day. It is starting to stress DD out. The friend asks her to spend the night every night. My DD doesn't want to ignore her on texts but obviously cannot respond constantly. If she does not respond immediately the friend will continue texting, saying....where are you, why don't you respond?" What is the best way to handle this situation? She truly wants to be a friend to this young lady but needs balance in the relationship. What do you suggest?

Ugh. This is the worst. The girls behavior is what pushes people away (and I don't blame your dd at all for feeling the way she does), but it sucks that they can't really help it.

I don't even know how to advise you, honestly. I see this stuff happen with my spectrum kid, and I try to talk to her about her behaviors.

I guess I'd either advise my child to very gently just explain that she can't always text back right away, but reassure that she does get and see her texts so she will respond as soon as she can. Just be honest, but gentle. Hopefully the novelty if a new phone will wear off on the friend.

If that doesn't work I'd probably tell her to ignore the texts until she is ready to respond, just to kind of reaffirm that she can't text all the time but will respond when she can.

I don't know what to do about overnights. If you go to one, asking every night won't stop. If you don't, she'll keep asking. Maybe she can say she doesn't really like spending the night away but she'd love to hang out sometime.

Kudos to your daughter for trying to form a friendship and be sensitive to this girl and her issues. That's a great trait.

gap2368 · May 27, 2015

wow your doughtier is one special young lady I do not have kids but for the past 3 years I have been helping a young adult on the autism spectrom I agree with the above poster tell her nicely that she can not respond right a way to every text and to please just text her one time I would let her know that she still want to be friends and hang out but has other friends too you can also talk to the mom of the child and see if she has some ideas

PatMcDuck · May 27, 2015

Well, I would bring the young woman's parents into the situation. They can also reassure her about texting too much, too often. Her family could be a big help in restoring the balance to a normal level.

My daughter tends to do this, with the texting, and it sometimes ticks off her friends/family members. (she texts too often, long texts are bad enough, but a series of one sentence texts even when not getting a reply, can be worse. Then when a friend blows up at her, she asked me, isn't this rude? [when they tell her to stop]. I tell her to back off, let it go, do not get in a fight, and listen to what they are saying and why). My daughter is not on the spectrum, but has some social problems related to very serious health issues as a teen and young adult. She is still getting back on track with her life, not everyone snaps back quickly.

Sabeking · May 27, 2015

Thank you for the suggestions. I think we will start with my DD trying to handle it as aarcher suggested. If things don't slow down I may contact the mom. It's a balancing act and my DD doesn't want to upset this girl. They had a class pool party on the last evening of school. I understand from other parents that the girl cried when my daughter left to come home. It breaks my heart.

aaarcher86 · May 27, 2015

Sabeking said:
Thank you for the suggestions. I think we will start with my DD trying to handle it as aarcher suggested. If things don't slow down I may contact the mom. It's a balancing act and my DD doesn't want to upset this girl. They had a class pool party on the last evening of school. I understand from other parents that the girl cried when my daughter left to come home. It breaks my heart.

It's hard.

The girl probably doesn't have many friends and really clings to your dd, but I feel for your dd. It probably feels like a very overwhelming responsibility. I'd let her know that no matter how hard she tries, this girl may eventually turn away thinking your dd is mean. And it won't be your DD's fault. But if she knows she's done all she can and treated her nicely, hopefully she won't put it back on herself.

It's really hard. Seriously, major kudos to your daughter. Lots of kids wouldn't give spectrum kids a chance.

halssister · May 27, 2015

First off, as the mom to a teen boy on the spectrum, I applaud your daughter for being willing to befriend this girl, and you as well, for obviously raising her to be a compassionate, caring young lady.
If you are at all friendly with the parents, you may want to talk to them right away about this. They might not be aware that it is going on, and they might be able to speak with their daughter and explain to her how this isn't really socially appropriate behavior. They are very likely to be willing to do whatever they need to do to help preserve this important friendship for their daughter. And at the same time, have your daughter try to gently explain, in very concrete terms, that she simply isn't able to respond constantly. Depending on the other girl, it may even help if your daughter gives her specific times in which she IS able to text her, if your daughter doesn't mind doing that.....such as, I'm only available from 7-8 on These nights, because I have to do homework, etc. I know my son does much better if there are specific "rules" and reasons for things. He's not to the level of texting (and doesn't actaully have a friend to text!), but I know even if someone said "I can't talk right now, I'll text later", that would be too abstract and he would be wondering if 5 minutes later, was later! If that makes sense. So have her be as specific as possible.
And thank you again, truly, for asking this and making the effort :thanks:

Sabeking · May 27, 2015

Thanks again everyone. The texting slowed down some today which was good. I talked to my DD about putting a framework around it as the previous poster mentioned. Hopefully having some structure will help.

cornflkgrl · May 27, 2015

Sounds like you already got some good feedback. I just wanted to agree with above about setting limits and rules. My son has trouble with social situations and I can't speak for other kiddos, just him, but he actually is happy when someone gives him a limit or points out what is appropriate (in a kind way). We had a boy next door that used to tell him to come over "whenever" and then my son would go over and knock and he'd tell him he'd be out in a bit and my son would stand outside his house just standing...like on his porch...for 30 minutes...while the kid ate dinner...played a video game with other friends...whatever. I kept trying to explain to my son "i'll be out in a bit" doesn't mean stand out on the porch until they tell you to leave, but he would not listen to us. We asked the kid to please tell him when to come back or that he couldn't come out or whatever, but he thought it was funny so he kept doing it. It is great that your daughter is making the effort here. I think that is very nice. I think being straight forward is okay as long as it is in a kind way.

Sabeking · May 28, 2015

cornflkgrl said:
Sounds like you already got some good feedback. I just wanted to agree with above about setting limits and rules. My son has trouble with social situations and I can't speak for other kiddos, just him, but he actually is happy when someone gives him a limit or points out what is appropriate (in a kind way). We had a boy next door that used to tell him to come over "whenever" and then my son would go over and knock and he'd tell him he'd be out in a bit and my son would stand outside his house just standing...like on his porch...for 30 minutes...while the kid ate dinner...played a video game with other friends...whatever. I kept trying to explain to my son "i'll be out in a bit" doesn't mean stand out on the porch until they tell you to leave, but he would not listen to us. We asked the kid to please tell him when to come back or that he couldn't come out or whatever, but he thought it was funny so he kept doing it. It is great that your daughter is making the effort here. I think that is very nice. I think being straight forward is okay as long as it is in a kind way.

Oh my gosh, if someone did that to my kid because they thought it was funny I would want to jerk a knot into them. How cruddy! :mad:

cornflkgrl · May 28, 2015

Sabeking said:
Oh my gosh, if someone did that to my kid because they thought it was funny I would want to jerk a knot into them. How cruddy!

Well, I like to think the kid didnt know any better...or at least, that was how I got past it mentally. It went right past my son anyway. The kid moved away and my son still calls him "my good friend" when I'm certain it was not how the other boy saw it. That is why I think it is much better to be direct: "no thank you, I can't talk today." "I can't text with you today. I can receive texts on Tuesday." And have her feel rejected for a few minutes, than to leave her hanging on -- even in an effort to "be nice" -- and confuse her and upset her.

sharadoc · May 28, 2015

Hi. I would suggest that your daughter tells her that she's only allowed to get 5 texts each day from a friend. Her friend may be able to latch on to the number and structure and that will make her feel comfortable with it. My ASD boy (who just turned 20!!!!) does well with limits, numbers and time.

SMD · May 28, 2015

I think that you should talk to the parents. If they're not monitoring her texts who knows what else is happening with the phone that could be an issue. If their daughter can't set appropriate boundaries then they need to reevaluate the unsupervised use.

DisMommyTX · May 31, 2015

sharadoc said:
Hi. I would suggest that your daughter tells her that she's only allowed to get 5 texts each day from a friend. Her friend may be able to latch on to the number and structure and that will make her feel comfortable with it. My ASD boy (who just turned 20!!!!) does well with limits, numbers and time.

I was thinking the same thing! My kids are still too young for phones, but I know this will be a problem as well. I have a very good friend with a 16 yo DD who has been having these same issues. She would urge you to please talk with her mom first. Try to make it a learning experience. Can your (absolutely awesome-give her an extra hug for being such a great person!) DD help her learn to set and respect this social boundary?

Setting a certain limit on the number of texts per day, the after the last one, respond something like, "thanks, but that is # for today. I'll text you again tomorrow

."

For the sleeping over issue, try a concrete alternate. Plan one specific activity a bit in the future, perhaps her coming over to your house, or going out to a movie together on a specific day and time. Every time she asks about spending the night, say no, but we will do X next Saturday.

Hopefully this can become a positive opportunity for both girls to foster and respect social boundaries.

SilverMickey · Jun 2, 2015

I think this is a great idea!A new phone brings on the unknown for any teen. Setting guidelines is a key. This many texts and between blank and blank time might work great. Too many texts from any friend /on the spectrum or not can be taxing. Kudo's to the OP's daughter for being a good egg.

sharadoc said:
Hi. I would suggest that your daughter tells her that she's only allowed to get 5 texts each day from a friend. Her friend may be able to latch on to the number and structure and that will make her feel comfortable with it. My ASD boy (who just turned 20!!!!) does well with limits, numbers and time.

TheRustyScupper · Jun 3, 2015

PatMcDuck said:
Well, I would bring the young woman's parents into the situation . . .

1) Absolutely best advice.
2) The parent can the decide if a Professional is also needed to intervene.
3) This has "risky" & "tricky" written all over it.

jec6613 · Jun 11, 2015

I've been on the sending end of this, and, yes, for a 16 year old, bring her parents in on this. Here's my story to add to this, and you should feel free to PM me about it if you'd like to know anything else or have any questions at all.

I met my best friend seven years ago when we worked together. We both stressed each other out, and for different reasons. Mine was both excessive messaging and not even being aware that a line existed, let alone that I had crossed it, and hers was unresponsiveness (not just to me). FWIW, as much as your DD is stressing out, her friend probably has the worse side of it. Despite the troubles, we stuck with it, because we both knew that we cared about each other and that we weren't doing anything intentionally to hurt the other. The trouble is, it took me six years to finally have full confidence that she felt the same way that I did about our friendship as I did. Oddly, we bonded mostly over being stressed out over each other!

The most stressful times for her were consistently when I didn't have any other outlets, when she was my only friend. But with her support, I now have several friends, know what limits are appropriate, and now a fiancé - things that are invaluable to me. For her part, she knows that I will always be there, and no matter what happens I won't judge her and will support her 100% no matter what.

What your DD needs more than the texting to slow down, is to be able to explain to her friend how to be a good friend, and keep a friendship. If they've gotten this far, they're probably well on the way to it, but it will take time and patience on both sides. Once they have an understanding where your DD feels like she can articulate when lines have been crossed and how, and in a supportive way without hurting her friend, things will improve rapidly.

Princess Disney Mom · Jun 15, 2015

Those on the autistic spectrum need to be taught everything. She just got the phone so it is very exciting. Talk to the parents, they should know how to handle it.

Looking for feedback from parents with Autistic teens

DIS Veteran

Registered

DIS Veteran

DIS Veteran

DIS Veteran

Registered

Mouseketeer

DIS Veteran

DIS Veteran

DIS Veteran

DIS Veteran

Visit WDW since '86, driving since '94.

DIS Veteran

DIS Veteran

DIS Veteran

Everyone Is Responsible For Everyone.

DIS Veteran

DIS Veteran

Share this page